Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 15/08/2019 13:08

I don’t think YABU OP.

And I agree with this:

Funny how the woman is always blamed yet the mans part is minimised

Yes, once you were the OW. People do make mistakes and they can be sorry for them.
But it’s not like you had a quick fling, fucked up his marriage and move on to the next guy. You fell in love and got married and are still together 17 years later. I think it is very weird that SIL keeps bringing this up - she obviously has issues!
I don’t think you should be punished for this, any more than he should to be honest.

ethelfleda · 15/08/2019 13:09

I would have thought your DH would have stood up for you though, as it is his sister. You’re not the OW, you are his wife.

bellabelly · 15/08/2019 13:10

She is being a cow.

Inappropriatefemale · 15/08/2019 13:11

17 years is a long time and against popular opinion then I do believe people should have moved on by now and you were the OW ages ago but not anymore, now your the wife.

Was your SIL very friendly with your DHs ex wife and this is why she has it in for you? I can’t think why else she keeps cracking these ‘jokes’ nearly 20 years later?

constipatedoverweightoldlady · 15/08/2019 13:11

She is being unreasonable. I wouldn't like to be judged on something I had done 17 years ago. Do she said things to her brother as well or just you?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 15/08/2019 13:12

She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions.

Depending on my mood, whether I was feeling gracious or not, as the case may be, my reponse might be along the lines of "Shut the fuck up Mary, you weird and freaky fuckwit, why are you so over invested in your brothers sex life" or perhaps "Oh Mary, must you live in the past" >deep sigh<

People who take the moral high ground usually have a lot further to fall. In the real world, no one gives a super sized varnished turd who slept with who, no one cares. No one would ever hark back to events 20 odd years ago.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 15/08/2019 13:12

Its all aimed at me, not DH. She doesn’t say anything about him.

That's the issue right there. It's not as if he was all innocent until you lured him away with the promise of a Mars bar and a bottle of pop.

SIL needs to keep her bitchy comments to herself.

sofato5miles · 15/08/2019 13:14

I'm with other PP who think she is being a bitch. You obviously are well suited if you are still happy after all this time.

I would have no issue with you other than a wry shrug. People are people, it obviously wasn't ideal but so what, you are an established family.

MRex · 15/08/2019 13:14

YANBU. Have you tried stressing how very boring she's being? Maybe that would work better than her thinking she's winning by being irritating. She sounds very annoying regardless.

elessar · 15/08/2019 13:15

Of course YANBU.

Not that it matters hugely at this length of time but what were the circumstances of you getting together? Did you know the ex-Wife? Did you deliberately pursue your husband knowing he was married?

If neither of the above, then your part in this really isn't so dreadful anyway - your husband is the one who cheated.

And comparing you to a murderer is also ridiculous. You were the other woman, you are no longer the other woman. Yes the fact of your relationship beginning cannot be changed, but that doesn't mean you should be condemned forever - it is not a comparable crime to murder! And if SIL thinks it's really so heinous what happened, then she shouldn't be continuing a relationship with her brother who was far more at fault.

In any case your SIL is being a total cow. I'm not sure how you can really stop her, but I'd be inclined to treat her as if she was just really really boring. I'd call her out on it but not in an emotional way, not giving her the chance to strop off. Or alternatively I would just completely ignore any comment like it, and ask everyone else to do likewise. If she gets absolutely no reaction whatsoever she might eventually stop.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/08/2019 13:16

Can you roll your eyes and say something like

'Even Ken Dodd got new material after seventeen years. Your joke writer wants sacking.'

Or similar? Call it out, but by making a 'joke' out of her 'joking'?

Inappropriatefemale · 15/08/2019 13:16

Maybe the SIL suspects her hubby or partner, if she has one, of cheating and your getting the brunt of her feelings towards that, you never know.

Mrscog · 15/08/2019 13:16

YANBU - especially as she never mentions your DH's role - she's not saying 'ooh don't be on his team during the family board game...he's a cheat!' is she?!

mbosnz · 15/08/2019 13:16

I'd be saying to her 'God, you're like a dog with a bone. Get over it already, it's tedious and makes you look petty and silly.' And then she can have her tanty. And you can tell her that her behaviour is just making her look sillier. See whether she ends up on her back screaming and kicking, lol. . .

ILearnedItFromABook · 15/08/2019 13:17

Yes, what she's saying is true and you will always be the OW in the eyes of some but what does she hope to gain by dredging it up at polite family functions?

It sounds like she either doesn't like you and is using this as a way to needle you (under the guise of an awkward "joke") or is taking out her feelings about cheaters in general on you (which is unfair, since she doesn't seem to acknowledge her own brother's role in all this).

If talking to her about it hasn't made her stop, I don't think there is a quiet, dignified way to deal with it. Most people would've stopped the snide remarks by now; she's apparently immune to the awkwardness she's causing, or is even enjoying it, in some perverted way.

I think you'll either have to continue ignoring her, or answer her back, damn the tantrums. Let her tantrum. She's a grown woman and needs to learn that her own actions have consequences, too. She knows what she's doing. This "only a joke" thing is merely an excuse.

Wiltshirelass2019 · 15/08/2019 13:18

It’s a horrendous thing to do, and horrendous things are hard for people to forget. But why doesn’t she take the piss out of her brother too? Men seem to get away with these things more for some sad reason l.

Oly4 · 15/08/2019 13:19

She’s being a cow... 17 years and two kids together?!
I would just ignore it if it were me and keep contact to a minimum. If your DH calls her out on it, then he needs to keep that up. But I’d just ignore her, she’s probably trying to get a rise out of you.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 15/08/2019 13:19

Your sil is being a bitch. Start taking her to task on it

Bookworm4 · 15/08/2019 13:20

I think call her out, I certainly wouldn’t tolerate that for 17 years. Tell to fuck off and go bore somebody else with her pathetic behaviour. I never understand MN all these people scared to speak up for themselves.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2019 13:20

Difficult, because you were the OW.

But she does sound incredibly childish.

is your DH brave enough to say 'Look, enough. I was the one that cheated.' next time?

ethelfleda · 15/08/2019 13:20

Can you roll your eyes and say something like

'Even Ken Dodd got new material after seventeen years. Your joke writer wants sacking

Do this OP!!

Curlysue2019 · 15/08/2019 13:20

Op it's really no ones business how you got together - challenge her directly on whyour she us behaving this way - ie 'you appear obsessed with me.being the ow - it's not a joke it's disturbing at this stage as it was over 17 years ago. You need help. ' repeat as necessary

Wonkybanana · 15/08/2019 13:21

The SiL may think she's being funny, but nobody else does. is that because they think she's being a pillock, or because they still hold it against you?
You haven't said anything about you also being married when you got together with now DH, so I'm assuming you were single. In which case, next time she tries it, DH should be saying, very quietly and matter of factly, that you were single, he was the one who cheated on his wife. And then change the subject.

adaline · 15/08/2019 13:21

YANBU.

Why are you getting all this abuse and why on earth hasn't your DH stood up for you?

Yes, being the OW is wrong but he's the one who cheated and left his wife, not you.

Courtney555 · 15/08/2019 13:21

No. You are not "the other woman" anymore because there is no involvement from any other woman for 17 years.

Yes, you once were OW, but it's ridiculous to refer to you as that once your marital status changed. When you are someone's gf and they propose, you become fiancé, then wife. If someone makes a point after the wedding, of still referring to you as gf, then it makes them look pretty immature.

If she can't refer to you as "wife" then I feel a bit sorry for her to feel the need to make those jibes. It's a reflection on her, not you.

Of course there are many ex-wives that can never move on, and harbour the attitude, but depending on the situational circumstances, this is often understandable.

But for his sister to make comments like this continually, after 17 years? Frankly, she's a twat and enough of the "I'm only joking" you need to take her to one side with DH and tell her it stops. Now.

Flowers