to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

[MatildaWormwood8]

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

Goodness me, 17 years on and she is still harping on about it? She wasn’t even the wife! What a sanctimonious, bullying cow.

We’re none of us the same person we were seventeen years ago. We all do things we’re not proud of, or others may disapprove of, and those who think they never do/have are, frankly, delusional hypocrites. What matters is how we develop, change and make amends.

You may have been the OW 17 years ago, OP, but your SIL is a bullying, self-righteous, delusional, overly-harsh and unforgiving bitch right now, every day.

I would be starting to fight fire with fire.

‘Wow, SIL, you have an unusually strong capacity to be endlessly amused by the same repetitive ‘joke’, don’t you? I’ve never come across that trait in an adult before.’

‘Something really terrible must have happened to you, SIL, to make you so bitter and sanctimonious. Any time you want to talk I’m here for you.’

Or, if you no longer care about repercussions....

‘For the love of God, what the fuck is wrong with you that you feel the need to bully me over something I did - not even to you - 17 years ago. Fuck off away from me until you finally manage to grow up’.

Those people saying ‘well it’s true’ are being ridiculous. I can think of lots of things that may be true about people but it wouldn’t be appropriate to keep saying it to them!!

Also, the person who compared the op to a criminal. Bloody hell, even most criminal convictions are spent after 11 years so i’m pretty sure the op’s ‘offence’ should by now!

SIL is rude and silly. But you knew that.

Ask her if she's planning to scarlet As into your clothes.

OP, on MN divorce doesn't exist, and the only human worse than a second wife is Hitler. I suspect a lot of people on here have red embroidery thread at the ready for their friends and neighbours.

Look I think like she has the right to not like you.. (but not mention it to your face), you have a right to go NC with her because she isn’t your sister.

So your DH has to make a choice here.. he can go visit them alone.

I don’t think this is about what you did it’s her trying to have a one up on you.

She doesn’t need to accept that you’re a change person with morals. She doesn’t need to befriend you. But she does need to shut up about humiliating you as that’s not her place

HE did the terrible thing OP, him. It was his marriage to end and he did that. As the other woman involved you were also culpable for your own conduct but his marriage ended because HE wanted it to.

As far as your SIL is concerned, cold indifference is the way to go when she keeps on about this. It's ridiculous and not her business quite honestly. Does your husband (her brother) speak to her about this? If not, he should - more seriously.

Or, next time she does it in company, tell her to stop. Just to stop it. It's not a lightheared thing therefore you will not be 'lightening up' about it. It was a difficult time for the parties concerned and that you would appreciate it if she will stop going on about it now - or not, in which case you'll distance yourselves because your children do not need exposure to her nasty comments cloaked as 'jokes'.

I think it is rude for your SIL to keep banging on about this and I fully acknowledge that what you did was wrong and what your H did at the time he had the affair with you was even wronger!

However, what's done is done and was done 17 flipping years ago and your SIL is just being a bitch now. However, if everyone completely ignores her when she does it, then her comments lose their power, so that would be what I suggest everyone in the family does. She sounds really unpleasant anyway, so everyone probably knows that.

“SIL I wonder who here thinks you are funny ? Because I surely don’t” look around at everyone.

“SIL, I think you are not in the spirit of this party, are you needing attention?”.

“ don’t worry everyone, SIL doesn’t mean it. She just wants attention” then smile, looking at everyone.

“SIL, I think you are embarrassing yourself infront of the guests”

“SIL, I think you have just showed the guests how childish you can be”.

@ScreamingLadySutch yes my DH and I have had long conversations about the circumstances in which we got together. We also had counselling, individually and together to help us deal with it all and to work on ourselves.

To PP asking the circumstances in which we got together. We were colleagues, we were put on the same project at work which lasted 8 months and meant that we had to spend pretty much all of our working days together. I was single and knew he was married. We were friends and feelings developed but neither of us said anything but there was closeness / flirting. At the end of the project we went on a work night out, got drunk and confessed feelings to each other. We had a drunken kiss. DH told wife the next day, she threw him out. I transferred to a different department at work to avoid him. He rented a flat, changed jobs a month later. We had no contact. He told ex wife he wanted to separate. She wasn’t happy but eventually agreed. Six months later he rang me, we met up. All my old feelings came back. I’d tried to “get over him” in that time but never really managed to. We started dating, he told ex wife and she went ballistic that he was now with me. Divorce happened, we carried on dating, moved in together, got married and had DCs.

SIL was on friendly terms with ex wife but they weren’t best friends. They didn’t have much contact after the divorce either and now don’t talk at all as far as I’m aware.

You did a dreadful thing. Being young is no excuse. SIL is right to hold you in contempt, but she should include her brother as well. He is equally guilty.

It's tricky but after 17 years I would have thought she could just agree to disagree. My sil has told me she will never forgive her brother for leaving me, time will tell of course.

Fucking hell my ex left for an OW and even I think your SIL should have been over it about fifteen years ago.

I don't think SIL has aright to hold this over your head for all these years. She was no the wronged party, and if she has disdain for anyone, it should be her brother.

I was a teen 17 years ago, and did some monumentally stupid and selfish stuff, I am definitely not the same person so would hate to be judged on my actions from almost 2 decades ago.

I think your DH needs to have a serious word and tell her to pack it in. Personally, I'd have told her to wind her neck in a long time ago myself.

Well, how you got together wasn't exactly ideal but nor did you kill anyone.

People are very quick to judge - my own SIL is often berating others who have affairs or who is the OW. She seems to have forgotten that 25 years ago, she was the other woman herself. I don't like what she and my DB did, I was really upset at the time, but he loves her and I won't lose my relationship with my brother because of something that happened a quarter of a century ago.

Sounds like you had very little input into his decision to end the marriage. Not sure “the other woman” is quite the appropriate description if it all played out the way you described.

Fucking hell, now you’ve told us the exact circumstances it’s clear she is being even more of a ridiculous bullying bitch than I thought.

You didn’t have an affair until he was separated. And you have ended up together, so it wasn’t just a shag on the side, it was a real lasting connection. Really, you didn’t do much wrong, other than the kiss/confession of secrets. He was honest with his wife. It’s really not that terrible.

I can’t believe the people on here who are so harsh and unforgiving. I hope I never come across them in real life.

I’m not usually very sympathetic to OW but your SIL is being ridiculous. She’s clearly got issues about your DH’s marriage breakup but is deflecting it to you. And it sounds like she likes being sanctimonious. Your DH needs to get her telt. For once and for all.

Really, what you did doesn’t even merit the title of ‘other woman’ at all. What a fuss about not very much.

Her and my father were together for 37 years before he died. He was with his ex wife for 5 years. My fathers entire family have never spoken to her or had anything to do with us except for posting a Christmas card. The ex wife remarried and was still a huge part of my dads family life. All very odd. Some people just need to get over

But at the one month mark, your father’s family obviously felt uncomfortable about his behaviour and how he had treated his wife. They made an albeit harsh decision which was to be there for his ex. They couldn’t have known your father’s affair would endure a marriage of 37 years. Rather, they probably were judgemental people who wanted to distance themselves from the selfishness of their son. Perhaps their relationship with their exDIL was a positive one and they struggled to see her so hurt by their son’s behaviour. Perhaps they had strong religious views. Did your dad ever accept that his actions caused a family rift? Or did he stick two fingers up and pretend it was everyone else’s problem?

It is sad that an affair can cause such damage for so long but that is the reality for some families. My ex had a long, long affair and eventually left. It caused me a lot of pain and took a lot of getting over. Whilst the wound is well and truly healed, there is one hell of a scar across my life, my children’s lives and whilst they were alive, my parent’s lives and an think too many people here seek to minimise just how awful it is. It is not surprising, to me at least, that some families are unable to fully recover.

I can’t believe the people on here who are so harsh and unforgiving. I hope I never come across them in real life.

It's funny isn't it. Some of those who shout the loudest have often done some very questionable things themselves.

I wouldnt much like you or find you trustworthy but I wouldnt constantly bring it up either.

However, thems the breaks I think 🤷‍♀️

Why is the woman always the one to get all the hate?
The bastard man is the one who left his wife for someone else. It's him who should be bullied if anyone. Your SIL is a dick.

op have you actually ever cheated on anyone though OP?

Have you actually ever stolen anything?

I think that's how I'd be responding ....'How, ridiculous SIL, I've never stolen anything' or 'how ridiculous SIL, I've never cheated on anyone'.

If she pushes, point out that you can't steal a person, they have responsibility for their own actions, and that while someone has cheated, it wasn't you.

@MatildaWormwood8 God, I would struggle to muster up much energy to feel bad about that at the time, let alone 17 years later.

Your SIL sounds emotionally stunted. I'd just feel sorry for her and go on with your life.

Has the SIL never done anything stupid/nasty in her life? Assuming she has, maybe you can respond with a reference to that every time she brings this up?