to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

[MatildaWormwood8]

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

sigh "And in primary school I didn't share my colouring pencils with Bobby Jenkins. Any other ancient history we should all go round again before we can get on with our lives?"

SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

Well then I guess she can do whatever she wants.

Oh fgs sake you are not the ‘other woman’ once you are married to someone who had an affair with you. It’s on him.

OP, honestly IRL I have never met people who are so quick to judge ‘the OW’ as on MN, yeah affairs are messy and shit and no one should be seeking to cheat on their wife or husband but it happens and sometimes it’s for the better - as in your case.

Even if she was married to her brother, it's not ok to joke about this (not unreasonable to think about it) Does she give her brother a harder time?

My xh left me for his mistress 7 years ago and we call her his gf even though we are thinking of another word to describe her.

Considering that she's not even friends with the XW any more it's weird for her to keep mentioning it

Has he tried “it’s only a joke if everyone’s laughing DSIS and you’re not very funny. It’s been 17 years, time for you to get some new material and stop picking on my wife”?

Or go on the attack 'Sis, you were nasty and ugly seventeen years ago and tome hasn't been kind to you'.

When Sil makes another comment just look at her and say ,I have made your brother happy,his x wife didn`t.end of,deal with it.

Nah I don’t think that will do anyone any favors. That’s just supporting the narrative that she thinks what she did as OW was right. No one said his ex wife didn’t make him happy. Some men just cheat.

However the SIL is over stepping her boundaries. I don’t think she needs to like OP or her morals. But she can be civil.

I don’t think it’s nithing to do with her. Surely ex wife was part of the family when this happened. So OW and the brother did this to the whole family. It’s hard to accept someone in the family when they enter it this way.

But she can be polite and civil. If she was, then I would’ve advised OP to have an open conversation with mil about how she regrets what she did and is now a better person.

But right now SIL is being too hostile so it’s nit helping anyone

YANBU. It was 17 years ago and it's also not really any of her bloody business.

SIL just says stuff about me, the other da MIL made a cake and SIL said “ooh watch out Matilda doesn’t steal it, you know she likes to take things that belong to her hee hee

At which point, you stand up and have a proper fucking tantrum back, scare the shit out of her, shout 'Enough is enough. Why don't you pick on your fucking brother for a change?' and walk out. (Obviously not in front of the DC) I absolutely would stop tolerating this passive aggressive shit. Does this say this stuff in front of your kids? Cos I'd go absolutely ballistic if she does. She needs to stop. Stop pussyfooting around her in case she has a tantrum. She's been allowed to get away with this shit for far too long.

If she wont stop, I would go totally NC, sod anyone else's feelings, yours certainly aren't being considered.

Your SIL only speaks the truth. You are the other woman. You will be always be the other woman. Time doesn't change that

It’s INAPPROPRIATE for her to keep speaking the truth for 17 years. OP knows what SiL thinks of her actions. Fuck knows what SiL thinks of her own brother’s behaviour because she never alludes to it.

It is especially inappropriate to “speak the truth” at a party in response to a polite enquiry about a piece of cake. Even if she couldn’t care less about OP’s feelings, she should care about the awkwardness and embarrassment she causes other people with her childish, crass remarks.

Who knows, perhaps if your dh does it again, you'll be relegated to ex wife status in her eyes and there will be a new ow?

I think 17 years is long enough to earn the title of being the only woman. Your SIL is pathetic.

Your SIL only speaks the truth. You are the other woman. You will be always be the other woman. Time doesn't change that

This is ridiculous. OP would only always be the other woman if her DH had stayed with his first wife and he and OP had an affair all this time.

OP and her DH are married so she is his wife.

Also OP, don't ask SIL "won't you ever forgive me" - you didn't do anything to her!

You deserve a medal for holding your tongue for this long - I'd give her a sharp "fuck off".

Gosh stop feeling sorry for yourself! Imagine how his ex wife felt! You are not the victim here. geesh some people

At the next family do wear a scarlet letter

But really this has to stop, your husband needs to have a sterner word. I can't believe you've had this for 17 years.

I would find out something about her that she is not proud of and bring that up every time.

I would also be asking her why all the comments are made at you and not your Dh. He broke his wedding vows. He was married. Why do you get to shoulder all the blame?

I would stop being passive about it.

I don't agree with people saying you should object loudly and have a tantrum, it just plays into her hands. Instead, you need to meet passive aggression with even more passive aggression, to make her look stupid.
Every time you or your DH hear this, you need to say with a big smile and a head-tilt "Oh, come on, haven't you managed to get over that in 17 years?". Or maybe "Apparently one of the first signs of dementia is fixating on certain subjects, even if they are decades out of date. Have you had yourself checked?"

SIL sounds like a petty b*tch
How horrid but also feel sorry for her that she still thinks about this. Why is nothing else happening in her life for her talk/think about?
Your DH and MIL should have put a stop to this year's ago.
People that blame you for your DH's infidelity are misogynistic. Sorry that you're being subjected to this.

It's easier for her to see you as a scheming harlot than see her brother as a cheating slime ball. It obviously really upset her to see him ditch his wife that way and she'd dumping all the responsibility on you.

You are both BU. You are and always will be the OW who slept with a married man. She shouldn't be bringing it up and making the family uncomfortable. She can think what she likes but no need to drag others into it.

""Funny how you never mention DH breaking his marriage vows SIL. Sure, what I did was bad, but DH was far worse, don't you agree?"

But your DH may not like that approach"

This. Boom, @MindyStClaire

Has your not so DH ever expressed remorse for betraying and hurting another human being, by the way?

Do you ever say to him, 'what we did was really bad' ie the truth?

I think she is rude to mention it, but it may well be what the family is thinking - you will always been seen as the OW. It is a bit dramatic on your part to say this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour , has something else happened recently to make you feel like this, possibly to a friend or relative?

You've had some good advice on this thread about things to say to SIL and I agree that the looking-dead-in-the-eye method can often be effective when someone does not expect to be pulled up on something. I don't think it is too late to tackle the matter, just wondering what has tipped you over the edge finally!

She sounds awful and a bully, she knows it’s inappropriate but still does it. I’d have different techniques depending on how I was feeling that day:

Feign ignorance so she has to repeat/expand on what she says “Sorry SIL, I’m having a senior moment, what did you mean by that comment?” - having to say it more than once might make her feel uncomfortable for a change

“You’d better watch I don’t decide to steal your OH, he’s looking rather handsome today”

“Watch out everyone, SIL is dredging up ancient history again, hide those skeletons in your cupboards before she drags them out again”

“are you ok SIL? , you seem fixated on something that happened almost two decades ago?”

My mother was the OW. Her and my father were together for 37 years before he died. He was with his ex wife for 5 years. My fathers entire family have never spoken to her or had anything to do with us except for posting a Christmas card. The ex wife remarried and was still a huge part of my dads family life. All very odd. Some people just need to get over themselfs.

Bloody hell how old is she? She sounds about 15. Was she really good friends with the ex wife or something?

You are and always will be the OW who slept with a married man

Unless he find a new ow and then she will be relegated/promoted (which ever way you see it) to the poor ex wife.