to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

[MatildaWormwood8]

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

@TheGodMother You're in-depth knowledge of my personality, feelings and attitude are outstanding!! Yet the irony is you claim to know that a person never changes, you claim to know the personality, feelings and attitude of all people who have cheated. That is true hypocrisy.
If you can't take it back, you shouldn't be so smug and self-righteous assuming in your black and white world that no one who has ever had an affair (and as we see now, the OP did not have an affair and is not/was never the OW anyway) ever changes.

@IABUQueen
I do think if the OP wasn’t available at the back of his mind

So now it is her fault simply because he was thinking about her. Unbelievable. Unbelievable just how far someone will go to make someone who is clearly not an OW an OW.

He just owes her to resolve things like an adult without external influence and decide together whether it works or not... again without external factors nfleuncing his decision.
And that is exactly what he has done @IABUQueen

Sara I think the OP is a mild case of OW. But she did intrude on the marriage. Her DH is more to blame.

She had an emotional affair with flirting for a couple of months. Then confession of love and a kiss.. she backed away but that’s they both confessed love for each other.. kinda too late ? Wasn’t exactly at the first sign that things are intruding on his marriage and their professional space ?

How many people do you know confess love just because they have a crush? And how many people do you know forget their love after 6 months?

She did do a decent thing by backing away afterward she but I’m afraid it was a bit late and she did it when she was secure about his love for her.

AIBUQueen you are creating a narrative that simply isn't there. Where do you get that she was secure about his 'love' for her? They simply admitted they had feelings, that's all. Then she abruptly stayed away from him. He never confessed his undying love or anything like that, she never even gave him the chance. She had no idea at the time what he would do, so it is wrong of you to invent a narrative that the OP's posts do not in away, remotely, in any way shape or form, suggest. I read a bit of flirting, which is usually light-hearted, not serious. There is no evidence they had an 'emotional affair' at all, until that one kiss. When, she abruptly left, and never saw him again for 6 months. That is not an emotional affair, or being 'secure in the love', or a commitment, or anything. You are reading things there that simply did not happen, you have a narrative in your head but what you are saying does not line up with what she has said, I just think maybe you should consider that you have blown it up in your mind into something it's not and is way out of proportion.

It seems no matter what someone does when confronted with feelings outside of their relationship, there’s no way to leave the original relationship in the ‘right’ way.

The advice on here is that if you find yourself developing feelings for someone outside of your relationship (or, if you’re single, in their relationship) then step back in respect for the original relationship and either shut down the outside interest, or end said relationship order to pursue something new. Barring the kiss, that is EXACTLY what the OP and her husband did, yet she’s still being called the OW.

Barring the kiss, that is EXACTLY what the OP and her husband did, yet she’s still being called the OW.

She set the scene by calling herself that and consistently referring to herself as such throughout.

God knows why. The truth is actually very unscandalous.

but that’s they both confessed love for each other

Gordon Bennett.
No. They. Did. Not.

It's either projection, or comprehension difficulties plaguing you this time @IABUQueen. You are pathologically committed to putting words into the OP's mouth which she has not spoken.

Well, you are the OW. You’ll continue to be the OW until your DH finds another OW to replace you. But then I suppose you’ll still be an OW, just the first (or first known OW). Sorry, no sympathy from me for people who cheat (includes your husband).

Well, you are ignorant @AdoreTheBeach. You'll continue to be ignorant until you have RTFT. But then I suppose you'll still be ignorant, because your prefer parading your unfounded opinion to understanding the facts. Still, no sympathy from me for someone who is so enjoying their wilful ignorance.

I am guessing you have been married to your DH longer than his first wife? If yes ... the SIL is probably just jealous that things have worked out. It's a reflection of her nothing else. Next time she calls you the OW just state I am still here

Sometimes I think people would love if they could stone adulterers in the street
Only here on Mumsnet!
Let those without sin cast the first stone.

A mild case of OW - how the hell can anyone come up with such a term.

DP/DH cheats - mother fucker, arsehole nasty piece of shit - he was at that moment in time regardless of the reasons and justifications. He should have had more moral fibre and standards than to dally whilst in a relationship with someone.
He was a cheater and therefore will always hold the title as having been a cheater. Sorry history does not get change what you once were.

Likewise the OW - she was once an OW regardless of reasons justifications. She knew that man had a partner, children etc etc.Once an OW always were an OW - history does not change that.

There is no grey area - you are either are or you are not.

Time does not change history or your actions.
OW

I think it is reasonable for her to judge you as an OW. But it is unreasonable for her to be rude openly in from of you or family members. She should keep her comments to herself.

I agree with this. Your SIL is being unnecessarily unkind and her behaviour is unacceptable.
However, I feel similarly about my SIL. She was the OW and the original wife is one of my best friends. Although my SIL has been family for a few years and has dc who my dc’s cousins, to me she is still OW. I’m polite and don’t bitch about her but I don’t feel much warmth towards her and original wife is still a very good friend.