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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 15/08/2019 14:14

Be careful what you wish for! You would stop being the OW if there was a new OW.

^There's this to consider. And I'm afraid I too dont buy this bollocks about length of subsequent marriage justifying forced termination of the first, nor 'level of supposed happiness' for that matter. I mean the longeveity of the current one rests on two factors: 1. Willingness of husband to cheat 2. Another woman willing to aid and abett his cheating.

I think I expect women to be more understanding about other women's up and downs, where men don't get it. So admittedly I do judge women who help put other women through hell more strongly. Some thibgs we do stay with us. I have a number of regrets so I know.

That said, your sister in law should put a sock it by now definately. She doesn't have to like you though. But equally neither do you her.

YAN entirelyBU

mbosnz · 15/08/2019 14:14

Alternatively, you could say, 'well, since we're dredging up ancient history, how about that time you (insert embarrassing/stupid/wrong moment of SIL's here)? Wasn't that just a scream? Oh, and then there was the time you. . oh, and what about the time you. . .

I did something similar to an IL of mine. My goodness they backed the truck off, after that. After throwing an epic tanty.

CornishMaid1 · 15/08/2019 14:14

'Wow SIL, everyone already knows your brother cheated on his wife so I really don't understand why you still feel the need to tell everyone after 17 years'.

Yes you were the OW, but the only person who gets to be upset about that after 17 years is the first wife (and the kids if there had been any). You are not the OW now - you are the wife and SIL needs to grow up.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 15/08/2019 14:15

Jesus after 17 years, a marriage and DCs? You were once the OW, now you are the wife and the mother of her nieces/nephews.

Making passive aggressive 'jokes' (hate when people justify being mean with 'its just a joke') about what happened is petty and childish and it would irritate the life out of me. If she has something to say, the time to say it was 17 years ago and then accept her brothers decision. She doesn't have to agree with it but she doesn't get to make digs for the next 17 years about it. She sounds like a bully tbh.

escapade1234 · 15/08/2019 14:15

I’m thinking the OP is Camilla Parker-Bowles?

TheFlis12345 · 15/08/2019 14:19

I would have snapped by now! Your patience is amazing.

Next time she mentions it sigh, tell her it was 17 years ago and ask if she is leading such a sad life that nothing more interesting has happened since for her to talk about.

IABUQueen · 15/08/2019 14:20

Now that you mention it, I still can’t forgive Camilla Parker Bowles 😁 and it has nothing to do with me.

I probably would have few digs at her for the want of some justice.

So maybe I am as bad as your sil.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 15/08/2019 14:21

Grow some balls and call her out.

TheFlis12345 · 15/08/2019 14:21

Oh and if she pulls the ‘just teasing’ line, tell her that repeated prolonged teasing about something a person doesn’t find funny is defined as bullying, and ask her to clarify if she thinks it is ok to bully you.

Boysey45 · 15/08/2019 14:21

I'd tell her very loudly to stop bullying me if I was you OP. That's what she is.Or say I'd rather be the OW than a pathetic bully like you SIL. Keep repeating this at her and she will soon shut up.

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 14:22

I will in no way excuse my behaviour when we got together. Kissing a married man and telling him I had feelings for him was out of order to his ex wife and wrong.

No I’ve never cheated on anyone and the only thing I’ve stolen was a few penny sweets from the shop when I was 7 Grin

OP posts:
ysmaem · 15/08/2019 14:23

You'd think your DH's sister would stand by her brother and not bully his wife. Your SIL sounds beyond childish and immature.

Cyrusc · 15/08/2019 14:24

You need to put her back in her box, it's literally the ONLY way to deal with people like this. She's using this as power over you, it's all she's got so that's why it's continued for so long. Bullies always throw tantrums when called out because they're weak souls really.

Shame her over something she's done, humiliate her like she's been humiliating you and she'll stop - or at least will stop talking to you so a win win either way.

Cheating is a shit thing to do but it happens. I've done it to boyfriends when I was younger but would not tolerate being berated for it at this stage in my life.

messolini9 · 15/08/2019 14:24

SIL just says stuff about me, the other da MIL made a cake and SIL said “ooh watch out Matilda doesn’t steal it, you know she likes to take things that belong to her hee hee

"Oh dear SiL are you atill obsessing about events you don't know much about & aren't any of your business? I'm getting a bit concerned that you might need some professional help.
So why don't you go & tell a therapist, because after 17 years it's just rude & boring. You're embarrassing yourself & I'm telling you to stop.
Oh! - are you going to have another tantrum now? See what I mean about needing therapy?
No, I'm not listening because I'm not interested. You can get some therapy or you can grow up - your choice."

And repeat.

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 14:27

My SIL very much likes to know everyone’s business and loves gossiping. I have also heard her speaking about other people in a nasty way using “ammo” such as, one of the school mums had a boob job and so is clearly a slut etc. I just ignore SIL most of the time, if she wasn’t a good aunt to my DCs I would have cut contact a long time ago.

The replies on here have helped me see maybe it’s not ok for her to make these digs at me and I don’t “deserve” to be subjected to it all the time.

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 15/08/2019 14:27

I'm in two camps on this having been cheated on myself. After 17 years I think it is time for your SIL to STFU, but if she doesn't like you very much she's going to carry on with the 'stealing' snipes.

And as for the stealing snipes..it's not as if you 'stole' your DH as he obviously had some part to play in this by making the choice to cheat on his then wife, with you. But you have had the luxury of time to come to terms with being implicit on the breakdown of your DH's ex-marriage and you are still together etc. That's all well and good, but I always measure people on how they treat others and hope Karma doesn't bite you in the arse in years to come. Entering a relationship knowing full well you played a part in the end of another person's relationship couldn't have been a great foundation.

HaileySherman · 15/08/2019 14:29

At this point its just over-kill and I can't imagine anyone really finding the subject funny. Also I feel his transgressions were far worse than yours, so unfair for you to be the brunt of the scorn. Also, possibly an unfair pov, but I feel it's a matter between the adults involved. No one else's business. With no children involved in the dissolution of his first marriage, it is time for everyone to get past it. Like you said, it was 17 years ago. I certainly am not the same person I was 17 years ago.

Loveislandaddict · 15/08/2019 14:30

No one know what goes on in a marriage. Maybe they were unhappy. Maybe it wouldn’t have lasted even if op has never appeared on the scene.

Yes, sil is out of order. The fact that you have be3n together 17 years testifies to your good relationship. Also, mil supports you. That’s a good sign.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/08/2019 14:33

Do you think she's going to stop once your DCs are old enough to hear her 'jokes'? I doubt it. And for that reason I'd be brutal and say to her "either you STFU with the OW stuff of I'll reduce contact with my DC because they don't need to know their Mother and Father's past". Be forceful and tell her how pathetic it is, and from this point on hold to your word; if she continues, cut off contact. Force her hand; she continues being a prick or she loses contact with children she loves.

And I'd have to question how great an Aunt she truly is when she's chatting shit about your past and other people's private lives (using the word slut in relation to another woman, for example, is not what I'd expect from any adult woman, let alone one who would influence children). That's not the standard I'd expect from people close to my DC. Set your own standards a little higher.

mbosnz · 15/08/2019 14:33

Does she make these remarks in the children's hearing? Because if so, that is definitely not on.

Bibidy · 15/08/2019 14:37

I think it's embarrassing that you're SIL is still saying all this - or that she ever said it in the first place. Your relationship is absolutely none of her business to comment on.

I don't think you just need to accept it at all, and I think the approach you and your DH have taken is right - attend only necessary events with her.

At this point, I wouldn't care how stroppy she got, I'd be calling her out on her inappropriate behaviour. You are married and you have two children - it doesn't matter what happened in the past, your SIL should keep her thoughts to herself.

MrHaroldFry · 15/08/2019 14:38

I think you misunderstand. You were and always will be the person who slept with a man that was already married. He also played his cheating husband role. Those things are historical fact and can't be changed even 17 years later. If you see it as punishment maybe that shows you have a conscience.
You can change your attitude or any multitude of things and be sorry about those for the rest of your days but something once done, is done. It can't be undone. I think you just have to make your peace with that and move forward.
However your SIL now needs to stop singing that song. It's done, we all know, she is not giving new information.

RedWoollyHat · 15/08/2019 14:39

"For example, If you murder someone, you'll always be a murderer, nothing changes what happened."

Only on here would you get this ^^ used as a comparison to adultery. Your SIL is being a bitch. I very much doubt it's down to devotion to his ex-wife that she makes these comments (if it was I would understand it a tiny bit more), but it's never that with the kind of person who makes these remarks.

AuchAyeTheNo · 15/08/2019 14:40

Sorry but you are the OW.

I wouldn’t forgive that either but I’m terrible at holding grudges. Next time she brings it up I would ask her outright why she seems to think her brother did not have any say in the situation. Does she think that all men can be ‘stolen’?

Bookworm4 · 15/08/2019 14:40

Tbf you weren’t really the OW, he left his wife soon as you had feelings for each other, he wasn’t cheating behind her back for years. Your Sil is a nasty boot, saying a boob job makes someone a slut? The woman could have cancer for all she knows!! Vicious cow, tell her to fuck off.