to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

[MatildaWormwood8]

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

Well technically you where and always will be the OW that he cheated on his first wife with. Time doesn’t change what you have done. Others get to decide if they forgive or forget what or who you where not you.

She should be polite enough to keep it behind closed doors after so long but you are what you are.

YANBU. Did you both do a shitty thing? yes. but after 17 years I would expect ALL parties to move on, especially when no DC are involved therefore no relationship with the Ex needing to be maintained at all. I’d hate to be judged for something I did almost 20 years prior. The real world is complicated and sometimes these things happen, and it sounds as though you guys were clearly better for each other and have built a life together. I’d just call her out next time, plain and simple, and don’t accept her lighten up response. Let her kick off if need be.

Well, does not sound like you abducted your dh and forced him into a divorce and marriage. If his sis must be so snide, she should be aiming it at the two of you, not only you! I would not allow my adult kids to insult invited guests, and you are an invited family member. I would be upset it has not been put to a stop, and avoid her. If your dh feels it is not fair on his dm for you to miss family gatherings, maybe that is what it will take to get your dh and parents to basically demand she shuts her trap with referrals to her brother stepping out on his first wife. You and your dh should walk out if she does it again. Adults should be able to keep their distaste for a person to themself at family functions. She sounds like a jerk.

Be careful what you wish for! You would stop being the OW if there was a new OW.

Your SiL is a cow - call her out on it, if she tantrums call her out on that. "MiL I think you have given me a slightly bigger piece of cake than SiL, you know what she like she'll throw a tantrums if she notices" and when she's upset point out that is was just a joke.

My stepdad was the " OM" however we never refereed to him as such (he is refereed to as grandad) Before I had children he was spoken of as his name. I would never say to him that he was the " OM" though I know he was. Nor would any of my mothers siblings have done. They remained together for 39 years until my mothers death. my mother and father were together 15 so seems unfair he would be called OM when having a much longer relationship with my mother.

For example, If you murder someone, you'll always be a murderer, nothing changes what happened.

Oh, please. What an offensive comparison.

Don’t ignore her as that’s not working, I think you should say something next time and get your point across that you won’t tolerate it anymore, if she makes you feel like crap in your own home then throw her out if she starts, ignoring it is doing no good because your here on MN asking what to do, just ask her what her issue is and ask if it hurt her when her brother left his ex for you, because unless the SIL and EXW were mates then I don’t see why the SIL is so bothered, she should want her brother to be happy more than anything and he clearly wasn’t in his last marriage or he wouldn’t have left her.

YANBU

MY DF is still with the OW after 10 years. It caused a lot of upset at the time but none of us would dream of referring to her as that now

I think your DH should pull her up on it though

It was 17 years ago. It wasn’t ok, but really? His sister is massively over invested. Yanbu to expect everyone to move on almost 2 decades later- it’s all a bit pathetic and ridiculous after all these years.

This is actually ridiculous.

Firstly, its got fuck all to do with her so she shouldn't be commenting at all.

Secondly, it's been bloody 17 years! He was with the wrong woman and left for the right one. Fair enough the circumstances were shit but jeezo, has your SIL never done anything stupid when she was young?

Personally I'd tell her to fuck off. But I dont mince words when I dont need to. Shes being a dick.

I always think that once the second relationship is longer than the first, you deserve some respect regardless of how it came about

Why? A 5 year marriage suddenly means nothing if the second one is in it’s 6th year? Or a 20 year is unimportant if the next marriage goes 25 years?

How about recognising that for each happy marriage where an affair took place, there was more than likely some genuine heartbreak and distress that took place on the part of a person who is now unable to stand up for themselves or express how they experienced the situation because they have been erased from history? Don’t they too deserve respect?

Sorry, OP. I am not suggesting it is OK to treat you in this way because it isn’t. But as someone who was cheated on and who’s life was turned inside out, I resent the ‘but the end justifies the means’ comments. It doesn’t. It really, really doesn’t.

You have a husband proble, OP. He needs to stand up for you and perhaps acknowledge the damage done on his part.

I think people do struggle to get over behaviour like being the other women tbh. Cheats and liars don’t tend to do liked

Come on, it was the HUSBAND who cheated! Calling you the OW after 17 years is pretty CF tbh.

In the beginning DH and I just ignored SILs comments as I guess we felt they were deserved / justified. Maybe that was a mistake. Looking back I never felt brave enough to say anything as I felt it was what I deserved. MIL will say to SIL “oh stop it now” but SIL will either get stroppy or sit smirking.

DH will also tell her to shut up. But she always will do it again next time.

I'd ask her "will you never forgive me?" And stare her straight in the eye.

Or every time she makes a remark, reply "oh for goodness sake, even murderers' punishments end after 17 years". Repeat that every time. When she remarks that you always say the same thing, tell her "yes, it's boring and irrelevant, isn't it?"

Your SIL only speaks the truth. You are the other woman. You will be always be the other woman. Time doesn't change that.

Maybe, your SIL doesn't like your morals and can't believe that you willingly had an affair with a married man and that's why she always makes the comments about you.

It's easier for her to accept your husband's part in the affair because he's her brother.

My dB married OW and left his fiancé, my friend.

I still don’t like his wife. Because she is a snob and still thinks that everyone is jealous of Her and tells my brother that. But I’m respectful. I would never dare say jokes like that.

So you are both BU. You ARE OW, I wouldn’t trust you. But it’s not her place to dig at you like that.

Ffs.
Whats wrong with people . The past is the past it has gone, And nobody except stupid sil lives there. And I imagine you have been together longer than he was with his x. So a little bit of advice. When Sil makes another comment just look at her and say ,I have made your brother happy,his x wife didnt.end of,deal with it.
She did i did and your brother did.grow up and get over yourself.
Unless of course you wanted him to be miserable all his life.
What a nice person you are.

I could completely understand your DH's ex still being bitter about this 17 years later but what has it got to do with your SIL??

17 years is a very long time to hold a grudge against someone when their actions didn't even impact on you directly. Is she always so concerned with the business of others? I wonder if perhaps her own life is a bit empty?

I wouldn't put up with this to be honest. I would be sitting DH down and telling him that after 17 years of snide comments, jokes at your expense and trying to humiliate you in public you've had enough of your SIL's behaviour. I'd tell him he needs to have a serious word with her, to tell her that it's not funny, that it's tedious and crass and she might think she's embarrassing you but actually she's embarrassing herself and making things awkward for the rest of the family and it needs to stop. If she doesn't stop after that then I would go NC. I wouldn't expect DH or DC's to stop seeing her but i wouldn't have anything more to do with her myself, life is too bloody short.

Wow. Why doesn’t she berate your brother? He’s the one who cheated on his wife! If she does it again point out her sexism

Ask your DH for embarassing things that she did when younger - then bring it up every single time she mentions you as the OW. eg "Yes that was such a funny joke about the cake Mavis - nearly pmsl - oops better not mention that had I given that you used to be the bedwetter?". People like that only respond to treatment in kind.....

She's being incredibly immature to the point of mental illness FFS. 50% of marriages end in divorce, for all sorts if reasons. She needs to grow up and move on. I can't stand the poor man 'lured' away by the evil OW narrative that so many people ( women mostly) seem to believe.
I;d get DH to have a word and start distancing yourself from her. Does she says this in front if your kids? Would you be happy if she did?? Would your DH?
It really is none of her business.

SIL just says stuff about me, the other da MIL made a cake and SIL said “ooh watch out Matilda doesn’t steal it, you know she likes to take things that belong to her hee hee” hmm

I couldn’t be doing with this. Amazed you haven’t slapped her yet. Also, if she does this indiscriminately, it must be pretty embarrassing for the poor fucker who knows nothing about you, only wants to offer you a slice of 🍰, and instead gets treated to a laundry list of who you’ve fucked from your SiL.

The fact that she says nothing to or about her brother, the ACTUAL cheater, says it all.

Unfortunately, I think until you start to twist her remarks back so that they implicate him, the situation won’t change.

Or there's the good old, 'oh for God's sake, are you ever going to grow up?'