To think you only go to funerals of people you know?

[justforthebuffet]

That's a bit of a generalisation I know. But myself and DH only go to funerals of people we know pretty well. I'm going to a family funeral next week, and I'm amazed at the number of people who are coming along who have either met the deceased/their family once or twice, and some are tagging along as a plus one despite never having met them at all. My DH isn't coming as he hasn't had anything to do with them for years and it means taking the day off work, but now I'm worried people will wonder why he isn't with me! Is it just me? Or is it the done thing to take extras along?

I rarely attend funerals, just close family but sometimes I am asked and will attend. Everyone's of course is different but I much prefer private small family funerals.

When my dm died, my brother wanted a non-religious service and made a huge ridiculous fuss about it all. He was very dominant and bullying and even our family solicitor asked what on earth his problem was. He wanted it at an arty venue my mum used to laugh about and I felt it was an insult to her.

In the end I decided that my dd's, their partners, grandchildren, myself and dh would have a very small personal service in church. The vicar was brilliant and captured her spirit with laughter and sadness. It felt very personal and I just knew in my heart I had done the right thing for her. I would want that for myself and for dh.

@RosaWaiting

There are definitely people who see a funeral as an outing.

Victoria Coren’s story pretty much sums up how I see those.

We were lucky with dad’s funeral, all of us just wanted to get it done, so there were no announcements and no hangers on. We also felt if people hadn’t been in touch recently, there was no need for them to come and gawp at one of the worst days of our lives.

@TabbyMumz

I've never been to a funeral, thank god. I tend to think you should only go if you know the person. I can understand partners of close family going though, to support their partner. We didn't go to a very close family members funeral for various reasons, but were surprised to hear people went who only met the deceased once, for half an hour and even muscled their way in to the family funeral cars. They said things like "we loved her you know"....when they'd only met her for half an hour and the deceased didn't like them very much.

YES YES to these 2 exactly. People going to funerals of people they didn't know (or barely knew,) and funerals of people they've had nothing to do with, for say, 15 or more years is just WEIRD.. Also makes you look a bit needy, and rather attention-seeking. Unless you are going to support a friend or family member who knew the deceased, then why on earth are you there?

Couldn't be arsed with them when they were alive, but show your face now they're dead?

As I said, if you've had sod-all to do with me and my nearest and dearest for the last 10-15 years or more, you are not welcome at a family funeral. A few people have said something about teachers they knew. OK, I can understand you'd want to attend the funeral of a teacher, if you (or your child) had been to school and had that teacher for lessons within the last 10 years; but if you finished school 20 (or more) years ago, it's bizarre to want to go (IMO.)

As I said, It smacks of attention-seeking, and is quite ghoulish.

@jennymanara

We have a branch of our family by marriage who are very insular. When their GF died only very immediate family went, about 5 people. They were clear it was invite only. That felt very strange to me, but did reflect the very insular approach to life they have.

And so WHAT if they are insular? That's their choice, their business, and their right. Does my head in when people think they have a right to tell others how to live.

Also, I'd rather have ONLY 5 to 10 people at my funeral who love me and care about me and are there for me all the time, and in my life when I need them, than 150 people who have had fuck-all to do with me since the 1990s, or early noughties, and/or are just there to show their face. Nope. They can fuck off.

Me AND DH are having funerals that are strictly private, and only the people closest to us (who show they care while we are alive) will get to come. The folk who have had fuck-all to do with us for the past 10-15 years or more can piss off.

Didn't bother with us when we were alive??? Then don't bother coming to show you 'care' when we're dead. As I said, if DH dies first, and someone (who has not been arsed for more than a decade,) discovers where and when the funeral is, and turns up at DH's funeral, they WILL be told to FUCK OFF! And he will do the same if I die first. They will be sorry they came, I can promise that.

And I really REALLY don't give a shit what people think about my views and opinions.

@Pinkblanket

Personally I'd rather not go to any funerals at all ever. I would say it is quite common for people to go to support those who are still living, even if they didn't know the deceased well. I also have a friend who despairs of her elderly relatives going to every funeral they can find, treating it as a jolly, and even taking their Tupperware to the buffet. So, I guess there is a wide spectrum!

Yep, I know a few people like this. Sounds like there are a few on this thread. Serial-funeral-attendees.

I don't think I could actually tell you who attended the funerals of my family members.
Leaving the chapel behind the coffin my head was down i never once looked at who was there and we were straight into the cars.
It was other family members who would say who attended the service.

Unless you are going to support a friend or family member who knew the deceased, then why on earth are you there?

@zeezee3 to pray for the repose of the soul of the deceased, which is the principal reason for any Catholic funeral.

If the family are pissed off because they'd rather have fewer people to pray for their loved one, I'd say they were the weird ones.

Rather than throw blanket statements around about how such and such people can fuck off, it might be sensible to realise that funeral customs differ across cultures.

“. People going to funerals of people they didn't know (or barely knew,) and funerals of people they've had nothing to do with, for say, 15 or more years is just WEIRD.”

Not wierd. Just part of a different cultural tradition,

I don't think I could actually tell you who attended the funerals of my family members

You could in Ireland they have signed a condolence book.

You could in Ireland they have signed a condolence book

And often afterwards people send out a Remembrance card for the deceased as a momento of their lives.

Been to the funerals of two people I had only met briefly.

The mother of a good friend. She died suddenly and my friend had a complex family background so I went to support my friend.

Colleague’s teenage daughter died after a long battle with anorexia. Whole workplace turned out to support colleague. It was horrendously sad. Seeing a funeral so filled with teenagers was really jarring as so many people from her school were there.

Definitely cultural. My MiL's funeral had loads of people there who had never met her - SiL's workmates, DH's uni friends, someone from the local Garda as FiL worked there - and that felt comforting and nice and supportive. My DM's funeral had a full church and then a full house for the dinner afterwards, and I met a lot of new people then and was just glad they had come. I think preparing a massive spread took my mind off things, actually.

I always thought it was to show respect and offer support to the family.

Reminds me of the TV series The Royle Family where nana goes to funerals just for the buffet

My sister does this. She's even been known to nip home to get the kids between funeral and buffet and heard to tell them to 'eat as much as you can, saves me feeding you later'. 🙄

I live in England but grew up in NI. When my father died I fully expected my sister in law and her husband to come to the funeral (it was about an hour´s drive away). They'd only met him a couple of times but it didn't occur to me that they wouldn't come. They never even mentioned attending. I found it hurtful at the time but realised it was only because in their situation I would have attended. I now realise it was just cultural differences - to them it was the funeral of someone they didn't really know, to me it was a funeral I would have attended to support my friend/family member.

What an interesting thread. I've reached the age when funerals are much more likely than weddings in my immediate circle.

A couple of examples of attending funerals to support the living. My cousin died. I didn't like him or his mother. However, my sister was very close to the brother of the deceased. sister went to the funeral to support the cousin agendas close to, I went to the funeral to support my sister and my daughter went to support me. Deceased mother was known to be quite capable of kicking off, even at her sons funeral. Because said aunt was very wary of me, I knew she would be less likely to kick off if I was there.

Another example is the recent death of my friends partner. He died from the same type of cancer i was lucky to have survived ten years previously. My DD came with me to his funeral, and I was so very grateful. DD is empathetic enough to know that the fact i survived and he didnt caused me distress. So, while DD had never met him, she was at the funeral for a reason. Not one that was immediately clear to anyone who else who was there. But avreadon, nonetheless

I go to funerals of people I’m close to or if it’s a relation of a good friend or someone that has made a good impact in my life,

The last 4 funerals I’ve been to have been my uncle, a coach at one of my kids clubs, my fil, my best friends mum.

Does my head in when people think they have a right to tell others how to live

And yet you have a long post telling everyone who doesn't do funerals your way how weird and wrong and ghoulish and attention seeking they are

Where I'm from, the attention seeking behaved would be not attending. Cultures differ.

I wouldn't go to a funeral of someone I didn't know well. Seems really weird, like you're making someone else's grief a spectacle.

Then again, if someone wanted me there for moral support I'd do it.

I believe in some cultures it is customary for the entire community to turn out for a funeral. So I suppose it just differs from place to place.

“Seems really weird,“

No. not weird. Just a different cultural tradition.

I think funerals are a celebration of life. Not the last 5, 10, 15 or whatever years.

So having childhood friends, friends from different jobs or locations, people who can share stories about the deceased person’s life and experiences makes it richer and warmer.

At a family member’s funeral last week there were about 130 people, it was a life afffirming, positive event, full of love. Nothing goulish or weird about it, but obviously not for everyone.

My parents and people I know of their generation would think it very odd to go to a funeral without a spouse. For younger people it's more common, probably largely because of the time off work issue. If it was someone I was close too but who DH didn't know well, I'd like him to be there to support me,even if he wasn't particularly grieving the deceased himself.

I have been to funerals of people I didn't know, or didn't know well. Once when a member of a club I belong to lost her son. Lots of members went and she really appreciated the support. Another time was to support my friend when she lost her father. I went and did the "hosting" bit that she felt was her responsibility but which she didn't feel up to.

A few people have said something about teachers they knew. OK, I can understand you'd want to attend the funeral of a teacher, if you (or your child) had been to school and had that teacher for lessons within the last 10 years; but if you finished school 20 (or more) years ago, it's bizarre to want to go (IMO.)

As I said, It smacks of attention-seeking, and is quite ghoulish*.

How kind to lay out in such complex terms who would qualify for your judgemental attitude for attending the funeral of a teacher and who wouldn't. So very decent of you.

I had a teacher who changed my life hugely for the better. She was the first person who ever fully made me believe in my own capabilities. I know, from other members of our old school Facebook group, that other students viewed her in the same way. This lady was loved.

Our school group decided to hold a reunion some years ago and I looked her up, called her out of the blue, and invited her to the reunion. At her own insistence she brought a few of her ex-colleagues to the party, and we were happy to see them all. Afterwards, I continued to visit her. And when she died, I went to the funeral.

I'd have gone to the funeral whether I'd had the fortunate opportunity of belated contact with this lady or not. Yes, even though I hadn't seen her for nigh on 25 years. She was still an important figure in my life. What's more, her family were moved and delighted to see me there, insisted on my coming to the wake, and were happy that a former pupil from so long ago cared enough to come.

I take fucking exception to the dismissal of that sentiment as 'bizarre'. I'm no death vulture. I've attended the funerals of my friend's 4 MO baby, a dear friend who committed suicide, both parents at far too young an age, and I can assure emphatically I do not see funerals as entertainment or a fun day out.

With your attitude, I doubt your family will need to do as you suggested and tell superfluous mourners to FUCK OFF at your funeral.

It was the other way round for me. Dd's teacher came to her funeral.

@ParkheadParadise I'm so sorry xxx

I went to a funeral of a teacher when I had left school over 20 years before. I only went to the service and sat at the back. But that teacher had been hugely influential in my life. She was my form tutor for 5 years and I babysat for her regularly when I turned 16. Because of the huge age difference we were obviously not going to stay in touch when I left school. But she made a massive difference to my life.
Find that ghoulish if you want, but you don't get to dictate who is important in someones life.

I went to my friend's dad's funeral. I had only met his dad twice (more than 10 years previously). I went to support my friend.

What rubbish about it being ghoulish to go to a teacher's funeral if it was more than 20 years ago.

Teachers can have an enormous impact on a pupil's life. Most won't stay in touch with their teachers at all.

Going to the funeral is a postive way of demonstrating to the family how important the deceased was - that their life and work had an impact far beyond anything either the deceased or the family were aware of.

The fact someone who is not close would make the effort to go to the funeral says alot about how much they regarded the deceased.

I think it's a lovely thing to do and can't understand (provide there are reasons of that sort for going) why anyone would think it was ghoulish.

I'm Jewish and funerals are always very very well attended, even with the usual 24 hour notice. It's to show respect for the deceased and the mourners. The shiva (daily evening prayers at the mourners'house) is also always packed, even If the deceased didn't know that many people.