To think you only go to funerals of people you know?

[justforthebuffet]

That's a bit of a generalisation I know. But myself and DH only go to funerals of people we know pretty well. I'm going to a family funeral next week, and I'm amazed at the number of people who are coming along who have either met the deceased/their family once or twice, and some are tagging along as a plus one despite never having met them at all. My DH isn't coming as he hasn't had anything to do with them for years and it means taking the day off work, but now I'm worried people will wonder why he isn't with me! Is it just me? Or is it the done thing to take extras along?

I would only go to a funeral of someone I knew or to support a close friend or relative.
DH is Jewish and I've learnt that anyone who he ever met, who is a relation of a relation, friend of a friend etcs funeral gets attended and that means by me too as his wife. I'm completely used to it now and don't mind going with him. You get a days notice have to drop what you are doing and get there. It meant there was a phase when we were literally attending a funeral every one or two weeks for a year. - then there's the whole thing a year later to revonsecraye and blew the grave and new gravestones.

So my choices and the obligations are very different!

Many companies will send someone to represent them at an employees funeral, even if it’s someone they didn’t know.

When we came out of the church after my father's requiem Mass, I saw a man in the uniform of my dad's last job, standing back with head bowed. He was a young man, so unlikely to have known him in RL. I was so touched.

On a similar theme, this is an interesting article by Victoria Coren about dealing with people trying to gatecrash her father's memorial service
A memorial service in London to remember the life of one of the great and the good is not a funeral service.
Victoria Coren is a journalist.

I think it depends. I’ve been to two funerals of people I never met but that was to support friends.

When my grandma died, my OH had barely met her, but he came to the funeral to support me. When his died, we hadn’t seen her for a long time, she wasn’t a nice lady. We went to the funeral to support MIL who, although they didn’t get on well at all, had been responsible for her care for 10 years.

It isn’t all about the person who died.

I know people who are practically professional mourners - and others who tag along for the wake.

I only go if I know the person, or am supporting a mourner. Once I went to my neighbour's son's funeral because the man (deceased) was a recluse and had no friends. I'd met him a couple of times. The funeral of a comparatively young person (40's) with no mourners on wet day is bloody heartbreaking.

Attending funerals or memorial services is fine to support the living or honour the dead.

Any event after the funeral itself should be friends and family only (including genuine 'supporters') unless you've been specifically invited.

I’m Jewish and it’s considered a mark of respect to attend a funeral to support a bereaved family, whether you knew the deceased or not. Funerals usually take place within a day or two of the death which is followed by a week of mourning (shiva) when everyone, which includes family, friends, their children and a local rabbi will visit the family. The shiva week is actually a very good distraction from the immediate grief, even though having visitors is exhausting and the constant stream of food being offered gets a bit much after the first day or two

Op, there is definitely a big cultural difference depending on where you are from and whether you are religious. Well done for starting such an interesting thread x

I go to funerals of very close friends and family.

My exh used to go to funerals of people he had only met once or twice. Very bizarre behaviour on his part.

Of course it is a cultural anomaly.
If you're Catholic then it's more or less compulsory to attend the funeral of anyone who lived in your local parish, regardless of whether you knew them personally. You would be more of a pariah if you didn't go and said it was because you didn't actually know the deceased. People would think you very rude and weird.

When my grandma died, my OH had barely met her, but he came to the funeral to support me

It is so alien to me, given where I am from, that a person would even need to say this. Where I live it is an absolute given that outside of some copious family disharmony that a person would go to their OH grandmother’s funeral. It would be just expected, a relationship dealbreaker if they just didn’t show up. You might as well be explaining why you would turn up to your own child’s birthday party.

It is so interesting reading about the cultural divides on the different practices.

Personally I'd rather not go to any funerals at all ever. I would say it is quite common for people to go to support those who are still living, even if they didn't know the deceased well. I also have a friend who despairs of her elderly relatives going to every funeral they can find, treating it as a jolly, and even taking their Tupperware to the buffet. So, I guess there is a wide spectrum!

In my experience people massively appreciate anyone going to the service to support the bereaved family and pay respects. I certainly have appreciated that as bereaved person, as long no histrionics or grief theif behaviour.

There's a certain ceremonial aspect to funerals where sometimes you go to represent an organisation or club, or distant branch of the family, which is also hugely appreciated I think. My father died after only a month in a job and a senior person, who would never have met him probably, came to his funeral. I thought that was very kind and respectful. I've thought well of that company ever since.

“My exh used to go to funerals of people he had only met once or twice. Very bizarre behaviour on his part.”

It’s honestly not bizarre. Just different cultural expectations.

This is why I would likea direct cremation when my time is up. We aren't particularly sociable in my family, and I would hate my close relatives having to deal with people they may not know very well when I know they hate it.

I think a get together for immediate family who are important to me would be much nicer than a funeral service for all and sundry.

cranstonmanor the people I’ve described as tagging along are going with people who already only have a distant relationship with the deceased, and are themselves going to support someone closer, so don’t really require support.

DH is Jewish and I've learnt that anyone who he ever met, who is a relation of a relation, friend of a friend etcs funeral gets attended and that means by me too as his wife. I'm completely used to it now and don't mind going with him. You get a days notice have to drop what you are doing and get there

This. I actually have a rule to only go if it’s a good friends parent / grandparent / sibling / child otherwise it gets insane. Same for Shivas. My dad will go to the funeral of all sorts of tenuous people and try and get us to go to shivas of their friends (who I barely know)’s parents but I have put my foot down, it’s ridiculous.

By the way, I totally get that people go to funerals of people they don’t know in order to support someone they are close to. I would definitely go to close friends’ parents funerals to support my friends. This isn’t what I’m referring to here.

I work in the Catholic church and am mixed Irish and English.

I would go to the funeral of:
a) anyone I knew personally (at least their name and enough to say hello)
b) anyone in my own family or in-laws. This includes third cousins once removed etc.
c) the close family member (parent, child, sibling, grandparent) of a friend
d) the friend of my immediate family (dh, dc, parents, siblings)
e) anyone whose funeral is in the church where I work and which coincides with the normal time I go to Mass
f) not relevant in London, but if I were living somewhere smaller then anyone in the village/ local area.

I would only go to the graveside and refreshments for family and close friends.

In our parish it would be seen as very disrespectful to avoid someone's funeral just because you didn't know them very well, almost a sign that you wished them ill. Of course you would go along and pray for the dead person, doing otherwise would be a terrible snub.

Most funerals in our church are for African, Caribbean, and Asian people. Large attendances are common across the ethnicities. We don't have a lot of white British people, maybe they're the ones who think funerals are just for close families and friends.

Yes direct cremation for me too. All sorted. No service or gathering of any kind.

I am more like you but my husband was raised Catholic and it seems more of a thing in that faith. The wife of an acquaintance of mine died recently and I didn’t really consider going to the funeral but my husband said he’d have gone in my position.

The Irish love a good funeral especially in rural areas.... Some of the culchie radio stations read out obituaries several times a day with full funeral directions

I know this is meant to be a serious thread but that made me lol.

To the comments about people who aren't known to the family, nobody knows everybody their partner knows, and even less likely to know everybody your parents know.
Friends and acquaintances from work, hobbies, even the pub.
I remember a comment about weddings particularly big weddings it's rare for the B or G to know everyone at there own wedding, due to +1s, work mates, distant family.

I have attended funerals where I did not know the deceased. I attended because they were related (parent/ grandparent/ sibling) to friends or colleagues.

I do hope that the family mentioned in the OP do not feel under pressure to provide catering for attendees, especially if they cannot afford it.

Sometimes your reaction to a death can take you by surprise, for many reasons, so I don't think it's fair to judge others who attend regardless of who they knew or how close the relationship was. I've seen church newsletters reminding the congregation that a funeral is due to take place in the church and suggesting that the regular churchgoers attend as an act of Christianity to show support for the family and friends, even if the deceased was unknown to them.

For the posters saying that they don’t want any kind of service or funeral at all - you may want to consider donating your body for medical research.

The university will dispose of the body when they no longer need it. There’s usually a memorial service once a year attended by the students and staff. Some family members may wish to attend but many don’t.

Just a thought for anyone who might be interested.