To think you only go to funerals of people you know?

[justforthebuffet]

That's a bit of a generalisation I know. But myself and DH only go to funerals of people we know pretty well. I'm going to a family funeral next week, and I'm amazed at the number of people who are coming along who have either met the deceased/their family once or twice, and some are tagging along as a plus one despite never having met them at all. My DH isn't coming as he hasn't had anything to do with them for years and it means taking the day off work, but now I'm worried people will wonder why he isn't with me! Is it just me? Or is it the done thing to take extras along?

When my Grandad died about 500 people turned up, that is no exaggeration. There’s no way everyone there was a close friend but he was a popular guy and touched many people’s lives so they wanted to pay their respects.

I think it’s fine if you have at least met them, weird if not.

When my Dad died, I was moved by how many of my friends came...some of them didn't know him at all. They came to support me.

It was lovely. They shut his place of work down for the entire day so all his workmates could come too. That was amazing.

Several little old ladies from the village came to my mum's funeral when she died suddenly and too young even though they didn't really know her. No one minded a bit, if they felt they wanted to attend for whatever reason that was fine with us.

IMO yes, they are only for people you know. My friend recently asked me to babysit her DD while she went to her great aunts funeral. I couldn't as I was working and asked why her Partner couldn't look after the DD knowing it was his day off but he was going to the funeral. Despite never met said great aunt. She was going with her mum, dad and sister so it wasn't like she wanted him there for support and I find it all a bit odd that he'd want to go

and some are tagging along as a plus one despite never having met them at all.

Surely you are supposed to support your partner in this . I wouldn't dream of letting DH (or MIL or dad) go to a funeral alone.

My grandma (Irish catholic) used to go to every funeral held at her church - she felt like it was part of her religious duties to go and offer up prayers for the deceased, whether she knew them or not. She would just go to the church and sit at the back though, she wouldn’t go to the wake of someone she didn’t know.

If my DH was going to a family funeral I would definitely take a day off work and go with him, even if I hadn’t met the person. I wouldn’t worry about what people think about you going alone though, if it’s not important to you then who cares what other people think?

I've been to a few funerals of people I didn't know, for me it was about supporting the bereaved and showing THEM that I care.

I'm amazed at the number of people who are coming along who have either met the deceased/their family once or twice, and some are tagging along as a plus one despite never having met them at all.

Whilst you do sometimes go to a funeral of someone you know, usually it is to support those who are still alive.

My daughter died shortly after she was born and she met very few people in that time. The church service was packed as people came because of me and my husband. They hadn’t met my daughter but they came to support us.

I think it’s fairly normal to go to support the bereaved even if you didn’t know the deceased well. A colleague’s partner died suddenly last year, and a couple of his close work friends who had only met the partner a couple of times at functions went to the funeral. The bereaved colleague was glad his friends were around him.

As for partners going, it depends on context. This family member you’re attending a funeral for, i assume not close family? So maybe not the kind of thing you’d want your husband there for support. When my grandmother died, the family were a little surprised that my brother’s long term girlfriend of the time didn’t come with him, even though she had been welcomed to my grandma’s house several times and knew other branches of the family well. My sister’s partner came even though he lived out of town and hadn’t met my grandma that often. I feel like that’s the done thing.

As people have said though, other cultures can be very different. My friend lives in Spain, and ended up in an argument with her husband because she didn’t see the point in attending her husband’s boss’ grandmother’s funeral. She hadn’t met the boss even. It’s just what you do there.

I went to my friend's dad's funeral. I had never met him.
Friend was very touched that friends came to support her.
I didn't go to the after party.
I also attended a couple for relatives of my staff. Was unobtrusive at the back and left after the service. People always thanked me for the support.
When my granny died I was still at school and one of my school friends mum came to the service. She never met my granny but I thought it was kind of her to come.

I've been to too many funerals 😔. I do to funerals of people I loved and was close to - those are to honour those people and, in a way, for me because they were special people in my life (pare ts, grandparents etc). I go to funerals of dh family - to pay respect to them and to support Dh. I've also been to a couple of funerals where I didn't know the person who died, most recently the funeral of the parent of a child I work with at school. The look that child gave me when they saw me arrive will stay with me forever. I've since been told that their grandparents were glad I went as they knew that the child would be well cared for at school after and it was something less to worry about whilst they grieved the sudden and traumatic loss of their child/sibling/grandchild.
I don't think most 'unknowns' go to funerals expecting to be fed - I certainly don't and in the case I've given, I politely refused the invitation to the wake. I've been to other funerals where I haven't gone to the wake because I didn't feel close enough to the deceased, but I do think that the bereaved often appreciate it as it is an opportunity, possibly the only one, to hear about their loved one from a completely different point of view. I know we appreciated some of the stories told about my dad by other people at his funeral.

I've been to a few funerals where I didn't know the person and felt a bit like an intruder in someones grief. It just meant the family had to be even stronger infront of everyone. My dad requested his funeral just be immediate family (7 of us) which meant we could sob in the church, talk amongst ourselves, hug his coffin etc. We didn't have to feel self conscious.

It’s a cultural thing. I would go to the funeral of someone I’d never met if they were close to someone I am close to. But I think the English way is to only go if you knew the person quite well.

When my father died a hundred plus people must have turned up. People were literally standing outside the church, there were speakers put up for them to hear the service even though they couldn’t see it. When his coffin was driven through the village, people stood outside on the street when it passed and then followed it. I have no idea who many of them were. My father was well known in the locality though. The wake after there was still loads of people I didn’t know, but the bulk was made up of family and friends.
The local paper did an article on him.
It all depends on the region and local custom.

I’ve been to several people’s funeral that are family members of friends. I go to supply my friend and show respect for their loved one on a massive day for them.
I really appreciated all of the people that made the effort to come to my DM’s funeral. I also remember the ones that didn’t because the funeral was ‘ too early’ or they had to ‘get a day off work. ‘

It depends - I've been to the funeral of a distant family member I only met a couple of times because my nan is dead and I went to represent her as she'd have wanted me to and otherwise our side of the family wouldn't be there.

I've also been to support friends when their parents died even though I didn't know their parents well.

Support not supply

You go if-

You knew the person (and are not estranged from the chief mourners)

You are an emotion support person for a close friend/family member

You represent a group the dead person was a part of (workplace, hobby group, fan club, etc)

You don’t go if-

You want to stickybeak on the arrangements, or someone’s grief (or in the hope of drama).

You are going out with someone who knows the dead person

You like the idea of the nosh and drinks afterwards.

Your DH should make the effort OP imo.

I've probably been to more funerals of people I didn't know than people I did know. As in the parent of a friend or colleague, that sort of thing. I'm from N Ireland and it would be considered unbelievably insulting to refuse to attend such a funeral. But you go to the service, you shake hands, you say sorry. You don't sit in the front pew and wail loudly.

I often see funeral threads here where people say they would be angry that someone came along to eg a parent's funeral because they'd be expected to be host, but that's not how funerals work where I'm from. It's all hands on deck to help the bereaved, but from the sidelines, like an army of magic elves. I have absolutely no idea who produced all the endless cups of tea in the church hall after my dad's funeral, just that it was the ladies from the church. They didn't intrude in any way, they just made tea magically appear.

Definitely cultural. As an Irish catholic it's not unusual to go to your mother's friend's son's dog's vet's sister in law's funeral but in the UK I see that you really only go to the funeral of family or friends who you actually have a relationship with

Also had never heard the term 'chief mourner' until I read it on Mumsnet. English funerals sound very formal.

cook you can sob regardless of who is there. It’s a funeral and you won’t be judged.

As for being fed, it is possible to just go to the church or cremation and then go home. I have done this before . I’ve paid my respects to the family outside after and left. This has been an hour out of my day so not even had to take a day off work .

Gooseygoosey12345
Not the whole of the UK. I've been surprised on Mumsnet to see that people don't go to the funerals of people they don't know well, or expect an invitation etc.
It's not like that in Scotland.