Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you only go to funerals of people you know?

206 replies

justforthebuffet · 12/08/2019 08:32

That's a bit of a generalisation I know. But myself and DH only go to funerals of people we know pretty well. I'm going to a family funeral next week, and I'm amazed at the number of people who are coming along who have either met the deceased/their family once or twice, and some are tagging along as a plus one despite never having met them at all. My DH isn't coming as he hasn't had anything to do with them for years and it means taking the day off work, but now I'm worried people will wonder why he isn't with me! Is it just me? Or is it the done thing to take extras along?

OP posts:
Benjispruce · 12/08/2019 09:42

It’s not like that in England either. Just some people.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/08/2019 09:42

Funerals are awful things. I wouldn't want to attend any for their entertainment value, that's for sure.

I've been to much more than my fair share of funerals for someone my age: from a funeral for a baby (an experience I hope never to have again) to that of very old people who have lived a full life. Reasons for attending are very personal: but in my experience voyeurs and death vultures are rare. If I attended the funeral of someone I didn't know well, but whose relatives I did know, it would be to support and respect them.

Funerals are for the living.

NB. the latest instagram photo culture, unless this is done with the express endorsement of the immediate family, is IMO disrespectful and odd.

WhyBirdStop · 12/08/2019 09:42

I've been to funerals with now DH for his family members who I had only met a couple of times (they lived 300 miles away) , I went to support my partner. I think this is quite usual. He also came with me when a close colleague passed away suddenly, he'd met her a handful of times at work related events but he drove and also picked up a few other people. She was young, it was very unexpected we were all very upset and he offered to drive so none of us would have to.

LillithsFamiliar · 12/08/2019 09:42

It's common in Scotland and Ireland but people don't expect to be invited back for a meal/drink,etc. They're going to show their respects. The meal afterwards is viewed for close family and friends unless you announce an open invitation at the end of the funeral eg' thanks for attending the family invite you to join them at the pub/their house/a cafe to remember x'. But if you can't afford to cater to everyone then you just don't announce the venue.

thatdamnwoman · 12/08/2019 09:43

I try not to go to funerals unless I've known people well. This is because on so many occasions, thinking I've known them, I've gone along only to realise that I didn't and then felt like an interloper.

On the other hand I've attended a number of funerals for people I barely knew who didn't appear to have family or many friends. I went to those funerals because I didn't like to think that no one would go. On those occasions a couple of relatives have appeared and have been very pleased to see anyone else. The smallest funeral I've attended was just three of us, none of whom had known the deceased much at all.

Mrsjayy · 12/08/2019 09:44

Ive gone to funerals of friends parents that i don't know that well It is normal to do that here I just go to the service usually and not the burial or the tea afterwards.

zeezee3 · 12/08/2019 09:44

Agree @justforthebuffet

I find it very odd when people go to funerals of people they don't know. I know a few people who go to EVERY FUNERAL at the local Church... Like two or three a month. And they very rarely know them.

I don't find it odd if someone who didn't know the deceased is going going to SUPPORT someone who knew, but when randoms turn up who did not know the deceased and are not with someone who DID know them. That's weird.

I also find it bizarre when people go to funerals of people they haven't had any contact with for 10-15 years or MORE. They weren't arsed with them when they were alive, why bother pretending to give a shit about them now they're dead? Confused

And don't say 'they are going out of respect..' That's bollux. If they 'respected' them, they would have stayed in touch.

If my husband died, and some random nobody, who hadn't been arsed with him (or me) for more than 2 decades decided to turn up; I would tell them to fuck off.

Benjispruce · 12/08/2019 09:45

A friend actually said to me that she wasn’t going to our mutual friend’s family member funeral because she ‘didn’t like funerals ‘ Well who does? It’s part of life and it’s important for the family. You certainly know who your friends are when you experience bereavement.

flowery · 12/08/2019 09:48

I've been to a funeral of someone I never actually met. Her husband is a very good friend of mine, I was supporting him a lot towards the end of her life and afterwards, so I went in support of him. I wish I had met her, but sadly never did.

DH would normally come with me to a funeral whether he knew the person or not. I would hate to go on my own. In this case another good friend of mine was also going, in a professional capacity, so I went with him.

Benjispruce · 12/08/2019 09:48

zeezee my DGM had about 11 siblings all over the country. I knew several but not all because it wasn’t easy to travel but my DM knew them growing up. After my DGM and DM died, I went to two funerals of the siblings as a representative of my DGM and DM. The family were delighted that I had cared enough to come and show my respects.

TabbyMumz · 12/08/2019 09:52

I've never been to a funeral, thank god. I tend to think you should only go if you know the person. I can understand partners of close family going though, to support their partner. We didn't go to a very close family members funeral for various reasons, but were surprised to hear people went who only met the deceased once, for half an hour and even muscled their way in to the family funeral cars. They said things like "we loved her you know"....when they'd only met her for half an hour and the deceased didn't like them very much.

ginghamtablecloths · 12/08/2019 09:54

I agree with you OP though I know someone who goes to funerals at the drop of a hat, possibly because he gets time off work.

Plus some people are a bit ghoulish, sentimental or are hoping for free entertainment, cup of tea, cake and the like.

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 09:54

A lot of friends went to a friends mum's funeral. Many had never met her or only briefly. But she had been housebound and our friend was worried there would only be 1 or 2 people there. She was really grateful that so many of her friends turned up. People turned up not because they cared about her mum, but because they cared about our friend.

We have a branch of our family by marriage who are very insular. When their GF died only very immediate family went, about 5 people. They were clear it was invite only. That felt very strange to me, but did reflect the very insular approach to life they have.

Lazydaisies · 12/08/2019 09:56

In Ireland even the most tenuous of links means you will interact with the family for a funeral. Wake/removal and funeral are often 3 separate parts and depending on your relationship you could be part of any or all of them. The wake is usually the close younger family who stay up all night with the body before it is buried. The removal was is evening time prayers in the house or funeral parlour and the funeral is the funeral. People cook/make sandwiches and feed the masses at each event. It is about showing support.

It is to show support for the family but also respect for the deceased. It can be a good and a bad thing for the family. Some people love the show of support, some people feel overwhelmed, often both exist at the same funeral within the same family. Grief is personal, you will never get it right all the time.

BlueSkiesLies · 12/08/2019 10:00

Funerals are awful things. I wouldn't want to attend any for their entertainment value, that's for sure

I am not sure I agree they are ‘awful things’.

They are a ritualistic way to mark the passing of the dead in our culture, and to support the living with their grieving process. Whilst sad that someone has died, funerals can honour the dead well. Wakes do often turn into a bit of a party, god knows I’ve been to more funerals than I should for young people (hobby with a relatively high death rate - and due to nature of the community you would go to the funeral of someone you knew to chat to even if you weren’t super close)

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 10:00

I also find it bizarre when people go to funerals of people they haven't had any contact with for 10-15 years or MORE. They weren't arsed with them when they were alive, why bother pretending to give a shit about them now they're dead?

I disagree strongly with this. People can touch you even if you have not stayed in contact. So I have been to a funeral of a teacher that made a big impression on me at school. I doubt she would have known who I was, but I remembered her.
At my gran's funeral a man came who I think was an old boyfriend from before she married, over 50 years ago.
It's not giving a shit. It is that sometimes there are good reasons you have not stayed in touch, but it does not mean that you are not upset that they have died.

Megan2018 · 12/08/2019 10:00

I'd go as a +1 to support my DH if it was someone he knew well, but I had never met. e.g I never met his aunt, but he was very shaken by her death as he lived with her for a time. Another time a close friend of his committed suicide and he needed me there even though I didn't know them. If he didn't need me to attend then I wouldn't feel I had to go automatically as his spouse.

Otherwise I do only go if I knew the person.

BertrandRussell · 12/08/2019 10:03

“I've never been to a funeral, thank god. I tend to think you should only go if you know the person.”

As I said-different cultures,different traditions.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 10:04

In Ireland it’s very common to go to funerals of people you don’t know.

Friends’ parents who you may or may not have met being the main example.

You go to support the living.

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 10:04

I am also amazed at all these people who are always so sure whether someone who turned up at the funeral knew the dead person or not. I know my DHs friends he sees regularly and his family and main colleagues. But he may chat to people regularly that I simply don't know about. So maybe he chats to someone in the local paper shop every day, or someone at lunchtime who works in a different organisation, but is based in the same building as his employer. I wouldn't know. In the same way even though my mum has a very small world and rarely goes out, she does garden in her front garden and may regularly chat to a passerby I know nothing about.

jennymanara · 12/08/2019 10:06

And I like the fact that some people attend funerals in their local church whether they knew the person or not. It does feel a kind and Christian thing to do. A church should be a community after all.

Benjispruce · 12/08/2019 10:08

jenny exactly.

isabellerossignol · 12/08/2019 10:11

I am also amazed at all these people who are always so sure whether someone who turned up at the funeral knew the dead person or not.

Me too. There were hundreds of people at my dad's funeral and I didn't know loads of them. Who am I to say if they knew him well enough or not? Only they know really.

Benjispruce · 12/08/2019 10:11

This reminds me of the thread about going to watch weddings if you’re not invited to the church. Totally normal. The church was packed for mine with neighbours and colleagues from work who were coming later but wanted to see me .

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 12/08/2019 10:13

At my DM's funeral earlier this year there were a lot of people at the requiem that we did not know and are not sure if they knew my mother. However as a PP mentioned it was a Catholic service and these people may have been unaware there was a funeral on, and were there for the usual mass. These people did not come to the actual cremation service or to the wake, so were definitely not 'just there for the buffet '. On another note, EskewedBeef, while not actually taking a register the undertakers did take the names of all the non family attendees who wished to give their name, and they were listed in a rememberance folder.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.