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Original poster

To think you only go to funerals of people you know?

206 replies

justforthebuffet · 12/08/2019 08:32

That's a bit of a generalisation I know. But myself and DH only go to funerals of people we know pretty well. I'm going to a family funeral next week, and I'm amazed at the number of people who are coming along who have either met the deceased/their family once or twice, and some are tagging along as a plus one despite never having met them at all. My DH isn't coming as he hasn't had anything to do with them for years and it means taking the day off work, but now I'm worried people will wonder why he isn't with me! Is it just me? Or is it the done thing to take extras along?

OP posts:
PeoniesarePink · 12/08/2019 12:02

I think it's fine to attend funerals, but really cheeky to go back to any family arranged wake if you weren't close. It's awful to think of anyone being stressed that they can't afford to feed and water people.

I've been to several as a carer, and would never have dreamt of going back with family afterwards even if asked. That seems to be crossing a line.

derxa · 12/08/2019 12:03

This reminds me of the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The groom's buttoned up but essentially kind parents on one side and the Greek family on the other. The two sides will never understand each other.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 12/08/2019 12:04

Interesting to hear it can be regional.

My boyfriend at the time came to my grandmother's funeral, who he had never met. He came to support me but the daft sod came with a black eye (he got punched for snogging his best mate's ex) and caused me a great deal more hassle explaining that away.

I recently disappointed my dad by not going to the funeral of somebody I barely knew. He was my dad's friend, and my godfather, but apart from a couple of xmas and birthday presents as a very young child he rapidly lost interest in me and didn't visit, enquire, send a card or anything. I only had vague memories of him from when I was a child. I just didn't feel I should go to the funeral of somebody I barely knew and hadn't seen in over 30 years.

3timeslucky · 12/08/2019 12:09

I have been to funerals of people I'd never met but in each case I went to support a relative of the dead person who was someone I was close to. Funerals may be for the dead but it is the living that need support. I hate funerals but will go to support a friend.

That would be very common here (Ireland). However in parts of Ireland it seems to be common to go to any local funeral (so I'm told by someone who does). I don't understand that at all and would not do it.

Lazydaisies · 12/08/2019 12:13

I think it's fine to attend funerals, but really cheeky to go back to any family arranged wake if you weren't close

In Ireland these are 2 separate things. The wake is where usually younger close family members stay awake overnight (hence the name wake) with the body supposedly praying (really drinking, joking and reminiscing about the deceased) is different to the post funeral dinner usually for all the attendees.

ParkheadParadise · 12/08/2019 12:18

At my mum's funeral 2yrs ago the ladies from Legion of Mary attended, they had previously visited her in the care home. They came back to the wake all 10 of them.
Several drinks later they all left with a doggie bag, repeatedly telling us it was the best spread they had ever seen.
As a family we were just grateful they took the time to come.

Fink · 12/08/2019 12:24

The Irish love a good funeral especially in rural areas.... Some of the culchie radio stations read out obituaries several times a day with full funeral directions

@EdtheBear Nowadays you can use the website if you're not local. Most of the Irish people I know in London check it a couple of times a week, to see if anyone back home has died. You can filter it by town, very useful. rip.ie/

Also, agree with pp that the wake is what we call the prayer and waiting with the body before the funeral, not the social event afterwards.

Passthecherrycoke · 12/08/2019 12:29

Agreed, I’m from an Irish family and I didn’t understand for ages that some English people expected an invite to a funeral, like you’d get to a party. They wouldn’t go if they weren’t invited at least verbally.

I do understand the 2 attitudes never shall meet but what I don’t understand is because the funeral is for the deceased, what about those who knew the deceased but not those organising the funeral? And old school friend say, Or a long lost loved?

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 12/08/2019 12:32

I went to my best friends Nana's to show support for her more than anything. I had kind of met her Nan over the years but didn't know her. I didn't go to the wake or anting just the service.

Other than that I've only gone to funerals of family and one friend.

At work the bosses have attended the funerals of staffs husbands/wives to show support. Personally I'm not sure I would want my manager to see me while grieving for a close family member.

user1471546851 · 12/08/2019 12:38

I'm Welsh
And have attend quite a few funerals of people I've only met once or twice as support for friends or family etc
Obviously don't go to the wake afterwards but just go to the service to pay respect and show support.
It's a very normal thing to do where I'm from.

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 12/08/2019 12:40

If catering costs are an issue then you keep those details private and give wake details only to those invited.

I've just seen a friends post about a parents funeral where they are clear there is no catering but they are going for drinks after to raise a glass.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 12:45

what I don’t understand is because the funeral is for the deceased, what about those who knew the deceased but not those organising the funeral? And old school friend say, Or a long lost loved?

Yeah, I think this is sad too, but the culture's are very different in that regard.

isabellerossignol · 12/08/2019 12:48

Personally I'm not sure I would want my manager to see me while grieving for a close family member.

This sounds like another English/Irish divide where we'll never understand the other's point of view. I can't imagine someone where I'm from giving a damn about their boss seeing them crying at a funeral. Or anyone else for that matter.

AhhhHereItGoes · 12/08/2019 12:52

I either go to funerals of people I know very well or go with someone to support them if the funeral is of someone they are closed to or cared about.

I've been to about 15 funerals, 10 were of ex clients of my Mums as she used to be a career.

Others were my grandad, family friend, aunts partner etc.

I don't like going to them but there is something beautiful about seeing all these people appreciating one person.

BillywilliamV · 12/08/2019 12:53

My Friend went to the funeral of a dear friends father, I went along as a plus one. It wasn’t an issue.

Member984815 · 12/08/2019 12:54

When my bil was tragically killed people who didn't know him but knew me and my husband came to pay their respects and it was a huge comfort to us . I'm Irish and agree it's cultural . My mil really appreciated the effort of these people, people from a job he did when he was at school came and she had forgotten he even had that job , it was lovely to talk to them

Passthecherrycoke · 12/08/2019 12:59

I remember my first experience of an English family death, my DHsgransmother.

She was under hospice care and when they told the family she only had a few hours left the family said goodbye then left her to die alone because they didn’t “want to remember her like that” I want to cry just thinking about that poor woman dying alone and wish more than anything my children never do that to me

ParkheadParadise · 12/08/2019 13:07

Passthecherrycoke
That's so sad.
When my mum died all 6 of her children were at her bedside for days. It was my biggest fear so would die alone.
It actually brings me comfort to know we were with her at the end.

teachermam · 12/08/2019 13:16

In Ireland anyone goes to funerals

bluegirlgreen · 12/08/2019 13:38

@justforthebuffet YANBU.

bluegirlgreen · 12/08/2019 13:38

@justforthebuffet YANBU.

bluegirlgreen · 12/08/2019 13:39

Ooops, sorry, not sure why it posted twice. Blush

Aragog · 12/08/2019 13:41

Some people go as a 'plus one' to support their partner who is attending. I think that's fairly normal.

Dh goes to funerals of people he doesn't know that well, as part of his job as a solicitor. Not everyone has a large family/friends base. He has, quite sadly, sometimes been one of just 2 or 3 people there. He sometimes takes trainees or junior staff with him as it makes up numbers.

Greensleeves · 12/08/2019 13:45

I went with a friend of mine to his father's funeral, I'd never met the deceased or any of the family. I went to look after his 6yo dd and take her out if necessary, as the family dynamics are very difficult and things could have got nasty. I did feel pretty awkward but on the whole it was better that I was there so he could concentrate on himself and saying goodbye to his father.

You don't know people's individual circumstances or why they are there, so best not to judge.

M0RVEN · 12/08/2019 13:47

She was under hospice care and when they told the family she only had a few hours left the family said goodbye then left her to die alone because they didn’t “want to remember her like that” I want to cry just thinking about that poor woman dying alone and wish more than anything my children never do that to me

That’s awful 😟.

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