To think you only go to funerals of people you know?

[justforthebuffet]

That's a bit of a generalisation I know. But myself and DH only go to funerals of people we know pretty well. I'm going to a family funeral next week, and I'm amazed at the number of people who are coming along who have either met the deceased/their family once or twice, and some are tagging along as a plus one despite never having met them at all. My DH isn't coming as he hasn't had anything to do with them for years and it means taking the day off work, but now I'm worried people will wonder why he isn't with me! Is it just me? Or is it the done thing to take extras along?

Where I am from, we go to funerals to support the bereaved mostly. So you can go to the funeral of your best friend’s granny not because you knew her but to show your friend you are there for her.

Definitely cultural. I live in a southern European country and EVERYONE goes to everyone elses funeral. For example a few years ago the father of a work colleague passed away. I was quite friendly with her to wanted to go to support her, despite never having met her parents. The whole of our company came to show their respects. From the building concierge to the company's CEO.

They may be partial to ham sandwiches?

On a similar theme, this is an interesting article by Victoria Coren about dealing with people trying to gatecrash her father's memorial service

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/21/celebrity-victoria-coren

A (not close) friend of mine lost his teenage son unexpectedly. He actively invited our group of friends to the funeral and three of us went despite not knowing the son well. We went because the bereaved wanted us there and he expressed gratitude that we had turned up.

I'm glad I went but it certainly was not for some sort of jolly. It was very upsetting. I didn't go to the wake as I felt that was best left to close friends of the family.

Several of my sister’s friends, who were local, came to my parents’ funerals although they did not know my parents well. My sister did a grand job, on both occasions, of booking the funeral at midday on a bank holiday Friday so they got an extra day of work, too!

Funerals are for the living. I have been to funerals for friend's family members that I have never met, but there to be a friendly face in the crowd for the bereft. I also think using the term "plus one" is pretty wrong. I have attended funerals of people that I have never met with my husband out of respect.

Yep. Funerals are for those left behind. I'm lucky to have not gone to very many, but two were for people I've not met. When my husband died, colleagues who'd never met him came because they wanted to support me.

It helps a lot to walk behind the coffin into the church/crem and see lots of people there. And it's the people from way back that you don't expect to see, that touch you the most. Some of our friends from our social group when we were younger, moved away 20-30 years ago, and we've only really been in touch via Christmas cards since. That they drove a long way to come to show their respects, meant a huge amount.

I work in home care and attend at least 6 funerals of clients a year, as do many of my colleagues. Sadly as a group we often outnumber other mourners, but we sit together at the back so not to intrude. Its not uncommon for some of us to bring spouses either for support or just to boost numbers.

Nobody has ever said or even implied this is inappropriate, it's our way of honouring someone we may only have known for a short time and the final piece of respect we can show them.

That being said, we rarely attend the wake unless family are very insistent we do so (being in uniform we have a handy excuse about having to get back to work!)

Where i am it's common to go to support and out of respect to the bereaved so will attend funerals for friends or colleagues parents, partners etc. Funerals aren't really for the dead.

Yes, I would go to a funeral to support my friends. I've been to Mass before and a funeral is taking place.

I would never take a "plus 1" though, what a bizarre phrase to use in relation to a funeral.

I am not sure I agree they are ‘awful things’. They are a ritualistic way to mark the passing of the dead in our culture

I know what they are for, and I know what their cultural significance is. And I find them traumatic; not least for the memories they entail of the funerals of my parents who both died at far too young an age. If I attend a funeral, it's out of respect for either the dead or those left behind, usually both.

To the PP who works in a care home and attends the funerals of her clients, bless you and all others like you. Same to the nurses, like the wonderful ones who attended the funeral of my mum. From my POV it meant so much to me as a bereaved relative that they cared enough to make this gesture. My parents had gone by the time my grandparents died and I had to arrange everything, which was hard enough in itself and I was grateful to see their carers. My mum's nurse even shed tears for her.

It matters. As do people like you

On a similar theme, this is an interesting article by Victoria Coren about dealing with people trying to gatecrash her father's memorial service

That does make interesting reading. Nowt as queer as folk. How awful to be coping with a loved one's death and having to deal with that sort of behaviour.

I was very touched by the friends who supported me by coming to both my parents funerals
Yy me too when it was my dad's funeral. Nearly all my colleagues came to the service even though they hadn't met him and I appreciated their support and acknowledgement of my loss.

I think it's weird to go to the funeral of someone you don't know

I would imagine about 40% of the people who came to my DH's funeral had not met him.

They came to support me and our DD, and I'm beyond grateful at the effort they made.

Victoria Coren’s dad was a famous journalist so that was probably a factor unfortunately.

I went to a second cousin's funeral a year or so ago whom I probably met a couple of times when we were children; my mother was going and wanted some support. As it turned out no one seemed to regard my presence as at all odd (large Irish-origin family so that may be why).

In Scotland ( and Ireland too I think ) , if a child or teenagers dies then the school will send along a senior teacher ( usually the head teacher ) and they will often speak at the funeral.

When a friends son died, his consultant and community nurse attended the funeral.

Church members will often attend to represent the church. In some traditions, it’s important to have many people there to pray for the persons soul.

Many companies will send someone to represent them at an employees funeral, even if it’s someone they didn’t know.

Others will attend to represent their bowling or golf club etc.

All this is seem as an important sign of respect and part of the duty of someone in certain positions. I find it really weird that some posters here assume that people are coming for a free cup of lukewarm tea and a dried out paste sandwich - nothing could be further from the truth.

I've been to funerals where I didn't know the deceased well at all, but I know the bereaved well. Similarly when I've had close family members die, people have attended who knew me very well, but not necessarily my family member - for instance, my new boyfriend (now DH) came to my sibling's funeral when he'd only met him once previously.

@M0RVEN
When my dd died at 23. The head teacher of her old school came to her funeral. The school also sent a wreath.

I remember your story @parkheadparadise and I’m sorry for your loss.

I went to the funeral of dh’s Aunt who I never met. Also to the funeral of a good friend’s dad, who I’d never met. It’s to support the living.

There are definitely people who see a funeral as an outing

Victoria Coren’s story pretty much sums up how I see those.

We were lucky with dad’s funeral, all of us just wanted to get it done, so there were no announcements and no hangers on. We also felt if people hadn’t been in touch recently, there was no need for them to come and gawp at one of the worst days of our lives.