Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to call this out?

440 replies

harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 07:39

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

OP posts:
Hilolilo · 13/08/2019 17:48

I’d have been quite flattered. YABU and a bit grumpy

leghairdontcare · 13/08/2019 17:48

Good for you OP. Sounds like you dealt with it politely and professionally.

managedmis · 13/08/2019 17:48

Can't believe people are saying get over it Shock

Pratt at work called me 'girl' once Shock - I told him, no, my name is managedmis, he never spoke to me again!

Which wasn't actually a bad thing

Mummadeeze · 13/08/2019 17:49

I also don’t think he should feel the need to call men ‘sir’. He is not deferential to them. If anything he should have been more matey with them, not more respectful towards you.

managedmis · 13/08/2019 17:49

I feel sorry for the guy to be honest.

^
Let's face it, with attitudes like this we're all screwed

Poor little bubba, being called out by the nasty lady on the train

Toooldfornonsense · 13/08/2019 17:50

Sorry but you sound like a grumpy moo... don’t make a thing out of something that doesn’t need to be a thing

EllenMP · 13/08/2019 18:05

You were quite right to set him straight. Well done. Hopefully he will think about it in future and will have learned something useful. There is no reason for him not to have called you "ma'am" if he was calling the men "sir", apart from sexist condescension.

When I turned 50 I decided to stop letting things like this slide and call them out every single blinking time. I wish I had taken this tack sooner. I applaud you for your instinct to fight the good fight, even at stupid o'clock in the morning!

LisaD76 · 13/08/2019 18:11

I work in retail and call my customers young man, young lady and darling as it is just what comes out of my gob.... I don’t mean it in a derogatory manner it’s just my way.... some people are less professional with women than men though.... I personally wouldn’t have been bothered as it isn’t always necessarily meant to be sexist, they just believe they should show a softer more personable side to women

manicmij · 13/08/2019 18:11

I do think the Americans managed addressing male/female fine ie Sir and Mam. Of course there will be issues when self declaration becomes norm. Society will have to come up with a totally non gender verbal salutation, perhaps Thank You passenger, customer, patient. No wonder we are becoming obsessed with screens, we don't need to speak!

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 13/08/2019 18:20

I’d have been quite flattered.

Who called this reaction way back in the thread? You get a pink lollipop for being a clever girl!

Graphista · 13/08/2019 18:30

"they just believe they should show a softer more personable side to women" why? And HOW is behaving differently to women NOT sexism?

RiftGibbon · 13/08/2019 18:44

If he'd called the men 'mate' then I'd have let it go, as that's around equivalent. However, 'love' when all the men are 'sir' does rankle.
I'd have pulled him up on it too.

browneyes77 · 13/08/2019 18:52

It wouldn’t have bothered me personally as I’m from Birmingham and everyone here gets called Bab, mate, kidda etc. So I’d have probably just thought he was trying to be friendly

However I can understand why you may offended by this. Your right in what you’re saying - there was a level of respect shown to the men in how they were addressed, that wasn’t really shown to you and in a customer service role you need to be consistent. It’s just having that awareness that whilst you might think you're being friendly, all customers are different and some may take offence to things you may consider as just being nice.

I suspect he didn’t do it to intentionally upset you and was just trying to be friendly, but went an arse about way of doing it. Nothing wrong with you pointing it out though, as it may make him think again in future with other female passengers. We learn from our mistakes.

Nearly47 · 13/08/2019 19:03

You were right to call it out. And I think it's only unaccompanied women that get this. I never got called love in this kind of situation when I am with my husband...

vrmlr · 13/08/2019 19:10

I think it's so embarrassing that you said that. I mean he was trying to be pleasant. You were trying to be awkward. He wasn't treating them better by saying sir. Yikes.

Billben · 13/08/2019 19:11

Good for you for calling him out on it. He might have not realised what he was doing but hopefully from now on he’ll pay a bit more attention to how he addresses people. I don’t mind being called love, sweetheart etc but I wouldn’t have liked it either in the scenario you’ve described.

Reggybalboa · 13/08/2019 19:14

I fully agree that we should be trying to pull people up on this to improve things for the next generation but I think that what OP did and what quite a lot of posters are calling for, is not the correct way to go about it.
We should be pulling up people who are deliberately disrespectful to women, our sons, young boys, leaders, influential figures. To call out a mature man, who was only trying to be friendly in the only way he knew, in the course of going about his work is probably only going to have caused embarrassment and done nothing to further this cause significantly.

glennamy · 13/08/2019 19:15

I very much doubt he was meaning it in any way other than being friendly, softening his demeanour/chat to see a Woman amongst lots of Men! I also know that the early morning train journey is the last place people want to be too, at least you didn't report him as he would've been in trouble!

angelfacecuti75 · 13/08/2019 19:33

I think calling someone 'love's or 'darling's isn't that bad. It would probably be better than "out you cranky bitch sitting over their giving me daggers with as bags as big as the universe under her eyes" (I just, I'm sure you have lovely eyes).But then again I am from a non affluent part of the country . I don't think it was intentional. It was just thoughtless..

angelfacecuti75 · 13/08/2019 19:34

Jest*^

Sb74 · 13/08/2019 19:41

I hate men or women calling me love etc in a service role. I absolutely would prefer madam. It really annoys me. And in the ops situation it wasn’t on at all. Good for you op.

JellyNo15 · 13/08/2019 19:47

This thread has really made me think. I have always disliked terms of endearment from anyone who is not someone close to me, but I usually just roll my eyes. I am sure he didn't mean any offense but it is conditioned sexism and it should be called out.

Devora13 · 13/08/2019 19:52

It needs to be called out as it shows a lack of respect and a level of familiarity that is not in line with good customer service, particularly if the men were spoken to more formally. Bad training?
I have to say that I am aware there are regional differences, and I probably wouldn't say anything to an older person (yes, I do know this is ageist) as generally it also also a bit of an era thing. Bloody annoys me most of the time though. And I don't think Sir or Madam really need to be used, just a polite and friendly tone will do.

Fowles94 · 13/08/2019 19:55

You are right, it wouldn't of been a bother if he was just a friendly person but the fact he addressed the men differently is a bit disrespectful.

Vivianebrookskoviak · 13/08/2019 19:59

I've had it done at me, I don't feel in the slightest bit offended. I have no problem with it.
I wouldn't even ge bothered by it or even acknowledge anything wrong with it.
Was it meant as a personal attack? Of course not.
He was just being friendly.
Get over yourself,seriously.

Swipe left for the next trending thread