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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to call this out?

440 replies

harriethoyle · 12/08/2019 07:39

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

OP posts:
PurpleRobe · 13/08/2019 08:23

*very not bery

BarrenFieldofFucks · 13/08/2019 08:27

Madam is very old fashioned, but appropriate given the use of Sir. Or just nothing at all!

Original poster
harriethoyle · 13/08/2019 08:41

Yep @PurpleRobe madam or ma'am is dreadful! Nothing would have been fine 🙈

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2019 08:49

Stunned at the suggestion that without a tertiary education, sexism should be expected.

What else? Is racism ok as long as it's low level and the perpetrator hasn't been to university?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2019 12:13

IamtheDevilsAvocado

Fantastic user name!

Cassilis · 13/08/2019 12:46

I might go with IAteTheDevilsAvocado

sunshinefinally · 13/08/2019 12:48

Personally it wouldn't of bothered me - where I am from it's normal, if it was me and it annoyed me I probs wouldn't of said anything but that's just me

Cassilis · 13/08/2019 12:57

Why wouldn’t you say anything if it bothers you sunshine? That’s really sad.

sunshinefinally · 13/08/2019 14:05

I'm not a confrontational person. I'd rather have a little moan in my head then forget about it. Also the man probs was just trying to be nice. It's not sad thing. Just everyone is different.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 13/08/2019 14:34

Just everyone is different.

Sure are.

The men are regarded as beings worth of a respectful and polite greeting/salutation.

The women are not.

Halo1234 · 13/08/2019 14:38

Look at the intention not the action. Complain when there is deliberate rudeness or when someone doesn't do there job well. Plus it's none of your business what he calls other passengers. He is a hardworking person up early to work. He called u love trying to be nice. There are bigger problems in the world. U are looking for reasons to complain if u ask me.

Souwest · 13/08/2019 14:38

He apologised. Is that not enough? Hopefully he realised that he was applying two sets of rules. Now, do you really want to ruin his career?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 13/08/2019 14:40

The OP hasn't said anything about complaining...who are you talking to?

Halo1234 · 13/08/2019 14:43

Complain/call him out. Same difference. Make him feel bad when his intention wasnt to be offensive. Bit mean to a hardworking person doing there best and obviously didnt mean to offend. Let it go. It's not that big a deal.

Cassilis · 13/08/2019 14:47

Make him feel bad when his intention wasnt to be offensive

But he made OP feel bad, was told politely that it did, and now likely won’t do this again, so another woman won’t feel bad like OP.

Surely this is a positive thing?

M3lon · 13/08/2019 14:53

I think fundamentally there are a lot of people on this thread who are fine with telling women they are wrong or have made a mistake but can't really accept that its okay to do to a man. I mean poor poor man, shown up in public and by a woman no less! Must have been bloody AWFUL for him...his poor pride...his whole career (somehow magically) blighted!

I wonder what the % vote would have been if the coffee maker was female....probably fine to point out sexism then! Although there would have been another whole demographic who can't accept that women are capable of sexism too....

Yabbers · 13/08/2019 15:13

The saddest thing about this is how many women think this is entirely acceptable.

How on earth does this need 15 pages of debate. I weep for our daughters’ future.

Original poster
harriethoyle · 13/08/2019 15:31

@souwest where have I said anything about ruining his career?! Hmm

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 13/08/2019 16:22

I think we need to bring our daughters up to believe they are equal to our sons. They have as much power to men. And that being called "love" isnt offensive. I dont see this as sexism the person who said it was not being intentionally sexist. In fact in this scenario the Male was serving coffee and snack to the business woman female. He called her love so what. It doesn't take away her power or lessen her role in the work place. He was trying to be nice. It's no biggy. People are going to be scared to speak before long.

Wtfdoipick · 13/08/2019 16:53

@Halo1234 if this was just a nice thing to do and not sexist in any way why did he call the men sir, why not use a friendly term for the men?

Halo1234 · 13/08/2019 17:20

Maybe he just didnt think about it that deeply. He called them both a polite term. Sexism maybe just isnt on the forefront of his mind. If he isnt sexist then addressing everyone in a polite term might be all that's on his mind. One is more formal than the other but think the sexism card is being played prematurely here. I dont think there was offence ment. I dont think it suggests be believes females to be weaker than males. I dont think there is reason to pull him up on it.

tolerable · 13/08/2019 17:43

darling is an acknowledgement you isnt a sir.?

Wtfdoipick · 13/08/2019 17:45

But surely treating people differently due to their sex is exactly what sexism is. Yes there may be far worse things happen but it all starts with believing men and women don't warrant equal treatment. It may be done subconsciously but I think this kind of thing is exactly what people need to see to challenge their own ingrained sexism

bmbonanza · 13/08/2019 17:46

I personally would not see any insult in this - he is being friendly that is all.

Mummadeeze · 13/08/2019 17:47

I would have liked his friendly, warm manner if he had used a term of endearment towards me. I wouldn’t have been insulted in the slightest. It would not have entered my head. I genuinely believe people are overthinking this. It is hardly the same as calling you ‘sexy’ or something salacious. I feel sorry for the guy to be honest.