WIBU to call this out?

[harriethoyle]

On a disgustingly early train to a work thing. Suited and booted as is everyone in my compartment. Everyone in my vicinity is a man.

The chap on the trolley called me love the first time he served me and darling the second time. He has called all of the men around me Sir, both times.

So, the second time, I said "are you aware that you have called me love and darling on the two occasions we've spoken but you are calling all of the men Sir?" At which point he stuttered a bit and apologised.

WIBU in calling out what I felt was total sexism - he didn't call any of the men love! Or am I just a grumpy moo because I've been up for hours and have a long and difficult day ahead and the poor man was just trying to be friendly?!

I'm a regular commuter and I can't imagine being bothered observing this. It wouldn't bother me being called those things and I wouldn't care that the men were called Sir.

To be fair, I do agree with you. Whilst I hope he wasn't aware of what he was saying, I do think that he is in the service industry and same courtesy should be given to every customer. He is demeaning your stature and probably of every woman that comes there.
Would it be the same as every white male sir and every non white male Bro. it would be terribly offensive. I applaud you taking a stand, I hope it causes him to reflect and change his tone

bert as I said, its the drip drip that leads up to them thinking I'm not as qualified as my colleagues when I am that is the problem.

Most recently when I got 'miss', I said, actually I'm an associate professor so its 'Dr' or just please. I told them about my research etc.

Then the student who'd called me miss, said 'wow, I never realise you were a real member of staff - do you fancy going for a pint after class'.

I mean seriously.

Anyhoo...they are good students, once you've told one lot then they usually get it. But then its the next lot and the next, and there's always a few who can't wrap their heads around the idea of female professors and feel they've been short changed. And then it turns out the uni pays substantially less to female professors than male....

Def not being unreasonable to call it out. I had one just last week - changing my mobile phone contract in store, and he decided to start calling me dear. Before anyone says it’s a regional or age thing, this was in Reading and he was only a few years younger than me. Plus, he had my fucking name in front of him. I called it out, he mumbled an apology but didn’t do it again.

Also called it out at a restaurant once - having brunch on my own, noticed the waiter would call all the men “sir” and the women “darling”. When I called him out, he tried to tell me it was about respect, and him being gay and connecting with the women. I know, it made no sense... He was a little stumped when I asked why that only seemed to go one way. Or why he wasn’t also calling the men “darling”.

Call it out. Every time.

Bertieandernie as I said I'm perfectly happy with people being friendly, it's not that where the issue lies, it's the discrepancy between the sexes that is an issue.

Maybe using race would demonstrate it more, if all the white men were called sir and a man of another ethnicity was called mate could you see the inherent racism in that?

so while it shouldn't matter what you get called day in day out...it actually does in the end.

And its something you can do something about! (Unlike floods, typhoons, Boris Johnson or Brexit)

Those who aren't bothered by this must surely understand why some women are? And, while you're not too fussed yourself, you understand the valid points others are making? Replace "sir" with anything else, a handshake for example. All the men get a handshake, but you don't because youre female. May not bother you necessarily but you would recognise that he was treating you differently because you're female?

bianca I like your example...what if white men get a firm handshake, BAME men get a fist bump and women get a kiss on the cheek?

I feel like I've been in business meetings like that....

My real name is unisex and I work in a very male dominated industry. When trying to strike up a deal with someone, he offered me VIP box seats at the match, when he realised I was female he brought me flowers instead.

Of course YANBU, OP. Those who think you are, have been so brainwashed they don't even realise that they have been. Good on you, and I hope I have he courage to do so next time it happens to me (as it surely will).

@Wtfdoipick well yes of course I’d see the racism in that but I do think not being called miss or madam by a stranger on public transport is nothing compared to racism

Bertieandernie racism is treating someone differently due to their race, sexism is being treated differently due to your sex and that is what happened, he used a different type of term due to her sex, friendly instead of respectful.

bianca that's rough.

I think my biggest current issue is when people swear then look at me and apologise for swearing with ladies present.

My boss once apologised for saying bollocks while I was present in a meeting. I said 'I've pushed a baby out, I not only know what bollocks are, but I've used ALL the other swear words too.'

It is hard to explain how othering it is when someone pauses mid conversation to make it clear that you don;t really belong.

M3lon working in a very very male dominated environment means that the swearing and apologising is a daily occurrence, I swear myself but it's frowned upon as not ladylike.

Another example of everyday sexism my autocorrect capitalises male but not female. I go back and correct male everytime.

One of my best friends is a lesbian, could say it’s hard to tell her gender sometimes as she does wear Male clothes with short hair etc and she hates being called sir as she is often and being confused with a guy she would prefer people were not so formal

Obviously if you didn’t know her it’s hard to tell her gender not if you did

YANBU OP. I can't believe how many posters couldn't grasp that it's the disparity, not the friendly term, that's the issue.

Definitely wouldn't bother me he didnt mean anything by it. Dont sweat the small stuff and all that. Try and use some emotional intelligence to look at why he might be using the words and his intentions and you will see he doesn't mean anything by it.

@alconleigh I just can’t find myself getting worked up by this situation

@Wtfdoipick

I’m a Muslim female and I get this, if I swear people get shocked and say we just don’t expect that from you.

I was left out of a sweepstake and fantasy football because it was assumed I wouldn’t want to take part.

None of it was ill-intentioned at all, but I knew if I didn’t want it to go I would have to speak up. It was very other-ing. I want to be able to swear like everyone else if I want to!

@cassilis well that’s rude about the sweepstake they could of at least asked you

Honestly @Cassilis how you resist the temptation to swear like a navvy CONSTANTLY I do not know. You're a better woman than me!

And men who used to say ‘smile it may never happen’. I used to smile but when I realised it was sexist I just gave them evils.

Funny how men don’t ask me to smile now I’m no longer young and nubile 😂

@harriethoyle I do swear quite freely now but sometimes the only word that succinctly sums something up is ‘cunt’ and I have to be careful to say it under my breath

I quite like cunt sucker too.

YADNBU

I don't mind being called love, depending on context, but the key issue here is the disparity in the terms used for men and women.

At high school it is always drummed into students (even in sixth form) to call Male teachers sir, but female teachers miss

So those students manage to call male lecturers 'Dr' or 'professor' at uni, but can't change what they call women?