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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really upset about dh roaring at our 4 year old

298 replies

Westside1 · 11/08/2019 22:19

I have previously posted about this but I’m really shook up tonight. Dh was bringing dd in car earlier and I just happened to open front door as they’d forgotten bag when I witnessed him roaring at her and her really distressed in car. She wanted her music put on and he wanted to listen to match. He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop. Windows were slightly open and I could hear all this. I got in beside her until she calmed down and then they left. I wanted to let her stay at home but he insisted she would be fine. She was fine when she came home. I’m so upset all evening and can hardly look at him. If I witnessed a parent doing this to their child I’d be appalled but to see my own child being treated like this is torture. He keeps telling me I’m over reacting, that she was just playing up so there’s no point arguing with him as we are going around in circles. He had a go at me as I’m not strict enough with her etc.

Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me is thinking I need to start thinking of a new start for me and dd. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
ohmysoul · 11/08/2019 22:22

That made me want to cry just reading it. The thought of somebody speaking to my daughter like that, let alone her own father makes me feel sick. You need to leave with your daughter or make him leave. This is an awful situation for you both to be in. You should be protecting your child from this vile abuse. Please don't allow it to happen again.

ColdToesHere · 11/08/2019 22:24

We all lose our rag sometimes, but if he can’t see that he did anything wrong, then yes, I think I’d be thinking about a new start. It is not an environment I’d want my child growing up in.
Especially as he’s done it before.

StubbleTurnips · 11/08/2019 22:25

Your poor girl.
Just think of how afraid she mustve felt toward someone who should be there to protect and love her.

DontBeOffensive · 11/08/2019 22:27

What do you mean by roaring? You do sound a bit over indulgent of her if she can always have her own music and you dont really ever tell her off. You may be over reacting because I doubt he was screaming his head off (if that's what roaring is) and she was hyperventilating. Are you sure you're not over reacting/dramatising this? Is she your PFB?

TheInvestigator · 11/08/2019 22:28

He does need to accept that h8s reaction and method of discipline was not OK. Roaring at a crying child just doesn't do anyone any good.

Your daughter needs to learn to accept "no" as a response though. She doesn't need her music on in the car and if someone else wants to use the radio then the answer is no. She shouldn't argue. If she doesn't listen when she is told no, and its a regular argument over everything then I can understand him losing his rag with her. But he needs to find a better way to parent.

MynameisJune · 11/08/2019 22:28

It’s not ideal but neither is it the crime of the century to shout at your child. Most of us have done it at some point.

What’s worse is that he didn’t apologise to her and admit he was wrong. And can’t see that he was wrong. That would be my main issue.

Armadillostoes · 11/08/2019 22:30

Disgusting behaviour from your DH. Shouting at frightening a small child for no good reason is terrible. Prioritising his wish to watch the match over her routine of having music also seems nasty and selfish-she is four not fourteen.

The question is what are you going to do to protect her in future?

TheInvestigator · 11/08/2019 22:33

Having her kids music in the car is not a routine. It's a privilege. If she was told no, then that's the end of it. But if he ended up really shouting then I'm guessing she didn't accept no as an answer, argued, god upset and whiny etc. And then he shouted at her. It's a pretty normal scenario. Doesn't make it o.k. though. Shouting doesn't achieve anything; he needs to understand that. But you also need to start telling your child no.

stayathomegardener · 11/08/2019 22:35

Your description is evocative and not in a good way.

Yes Dd can't always have her own way but Jeeze there are way of conveying or negotiating this that do not encompass "roaring" 😢

SuzieQ10 · 11/08/2019 22:36

She's 4 years old and he was roaring at her until she was hyperventilating. And this was not the first time? She's only 4 for goodness sake testing boundaries, learning what she can / can't do is completely normal - she doesn't need to be screamed at by a big man and frightened into hysterics when she isn't being perfectly behaved.
I think you need to put a stop to this urgently, don't enable this behaviour by letting it go. Remove your child from the situation if you feel you can't trust him to parent (and discipline) appropriately. What if you're not there to interrupt and comfort next time. It doesn't sound like effective discipline, it sounds like a bully taking his frustration out on a small child.
I personally couldn't be attracted to a man who behaved like this to a little one / anyone.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/08/2019 22:39

Does he think that shouting at child will achieve anything? Is he going to do anything differently next time?

If you're being serious about leaving though, and i dont mean to sound flippant, his re you going to protect her? Woukd access be denied because your word against his, he shouted at her? If you're being serious I think you may need more examples or some evidence if you dont want him to see her unsupervised? Though I dont have any experience of the court system

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/08/2019 22:40

*how are you going to

HollyGoLoudly1 · 11/08/2019 22:41

We can all lose the plot and have a shout sometimes. Generally once an adult has calmed down though you know that it was wrong. If he's actively choosing it as a discipline method and doesn't see how wrong it is then I wouldn't be happy with it either and I would go round in circles with him as many times as it took.

Maybe his own upbringing was like this and he's needing a bit of a crash course in current parenting advice for discipline etc?

bouncingraindrops · 11/08/2019 22:42

So he was shouting (roaring) and she was hyperventilating? Was this through crying or some panic?

Of course it's not ok for your daughters father to a act like an absolute prick towards her. She is 4 and irrespective of the reason, his behaviour was that of a bully.

jellycatspyjamas · 11/08/2019 22:51

A child practically hyperventilating because she can’t listen to her music isn’t good, parent roaring at her to stop isn’t good either but my goodness I think most folk have lost patience with their child at some point.

Your DH may be feeling defensive because he knows it wasn’t his finest moment, or he may be frustrated at his child not taking no for an answer and working herself into a state. In any event, I’d be having a chat with him when it’s all calmed down.

I do think you’re a bit precious though, always letting her listen to her own music, wanting to keep her home - you’re clearly not on the same page as each other in parenting terms, and need to really talk through what is and isn’t ok - I suspect you both have some movement to make.

Cocobean30 · 11/08/2019 22:58

Put your kid first. Fuck him

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/08/2019 23:05

How long were they outside in the car? You say you opened the door because they had forgotten a bag so he must have literally just put her in the car and got in himself. How on earth did he have time to be roaring so badly she was hyperventilating. And if he was indeed roaring you would have heard it regardless of the windows being down. It is not good to shout at your child but there is a big difference between shouting no you cant and roaring.

Tonnerre · 11/08/2019 23:08

A child practically hyperventilating because she can’t listen to her music isn’t good,

As I understand it she was hyperventilating because she was being roared at, not because she couldn't listen to her music.

LagunaBubbles · 11/08/2019 23:09

What was he roaring?

Bertieandernie · 11/08/2019 23:11

No wonder people grow up to be such snowflakes if you can’t shout at your own children Hmm

TheInvestigator · 11/08/2019 23:11

@Tonnerre

OP said he was shouting at her to stop the heavy breathing. It sounds like he said no, she argued, started getting upset, he didn't give in and she's started getting even more angry and then he started shouting at her to stop having a tantrum.

jellycatspyjamas · 11/08/2019 23:14

He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop.

From my reading of it she was hyperventilating because she wasn’t getting her own way and he was shouting at her to stop.

Bertieandernie · 11/08/2019 23:16

They’ll never learn they can’t get their own way all the time if you continue to wrap them up in cotton wool every time they have a tantrum!!!! So YABU to your husband

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/08/2019 23:16

OP said he was shouting at her to stop the heavy breathing. It sounds like he said no, she argued, started getting upset, he didn't give in and she's started getting even more angry and then he started shouting at her to stop having a tantrum.

All that in the small amout of time it took to put her in the car then get in himself?

TheInvestigator · 11/08/2019 23:21

Quote possibly. A child who doesn't get told no and always has mummy jump in and 'comfort' her can throw a tantrum at the first sniff of not getting their own way.

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