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AIBU?

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Original poster

Really upset about dh roaring at our 4 year old

298 replies

Westside1 · 11/08/2019 22:19

I have previously posted about this but I’m really shook up tonight. Dh was bringing dd in car earlier and I just happened to open front door as they’d forgotten bag when I witnessed him roaring at her and her really distressed in car. She wanted her music put on and he wanted to listen to match. He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop. Windows were slightly open and I could hear all this. I got in beside her until she calmed down and then they left. I wanted to let her stay at home but he insisted she would be fine. She was fine when she came home. I’m so upset all evening and can hardly look at him. If I witnessed a parent doing this to their child I’d be appalled but to see my own child being treated like this is torture. He keeps telling me I’m over reacting, that she was just playing up so there’s no point arguing with him as we are going around in circles. He had a go at me as I’m not strict enough with her etc.

Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me is thinking I need to start thinking of a new start for me and dd. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2019 09:50

If your daughter had a hyperventilating tantrum over not being able to have music on in the car, I'm not surprised he shouted at her to be honest. We all lose our tempers sometimes. It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world - and you've said that he's otherwise kind and gentle.

I would also suggest that your 'I am a qualified childcare expert and therefore I can tell you that your way of parenting is wrong' attitude might be quite annoying for your DH. Childcare theory and being a parent 24/7 are, to be brutally honest, really pretty different, and even childcare experts don't actually all agree on the best way to discipline a child. It honestly sounds to me as if you're making a mountain out of a molehill with this.

steff13 · 12/08/2019 09:50

"Roaring," and "practically hyperventilating," is very dramatic language, isn't it? I've never witnessed anyone roaring, other than the Beast in Beauty and the Beast.

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2019 09:53

I haven't read your previous threads, OP, but it sounds like however you're treating your dd isn't working. She sounds over imdulged/spoilt. Maybe your DH was over the top, but do you think you occasionally need to not let her have her way?

zzzzzzzz12345 · 12/08/2019 09:53

I have a friend whose child is allowed to hit and kick his parents with impunity. Saw it recently and was genuinely shocked. Poor child, he’s a sweetie but has no boundaries. These kids are the ones who take up most teacher time in reception because they can’t follow orders and think biting/kicking/hitting is perfectly acceptable because they do it at home.

An undisciplined child is very wearing. Maybe a shout is the short sharp shock she needs to understand appropriate behaviour.

Cheby · 12/08/2019 09:54

Jesus wept, the child was hyperventilating because her father was roaring at her and most likely she was frightened.

Your instincts are right OP. Listen to them, protect your DD.

makingmammaries · 12/08/2019 09:54

‘I am qualified in childcare so this is why I’m adamant that roaring at her is not the way to go and maybe if someone else tells him he may listen.’

Oh heck. You had some sympathy from me until I read that.
I’m a linguist. If I go around telling everyone how to speak I can imagine the fury they will feel.

Cheby · 12/08/2019 09:55

"Roaring," and "practically hyperventilating," is very dramatic language, isn't it? I've never witnessed anyone roaring, other than the Beast in Beauty and the Beast.

Lucky you. I have. From a parent and an ex partner. It was frightening. Which was the intention.

Butchyrestingface · 12/08/2019 09:56

Jesus wept, the child was hyperventilating because her father was roaring at her and most likely she was frightened.

I’d like to meet the 4 yo whose parent hasn’t yet shouted at them.

It’s not fully clear why the child was hyperventilating at this point.

jellycatspyjamas · 12/08/2019 09:58

Jesus wept, the child was hyperventilating because her father was roaring at her and most likely she was frightened.

According to the OP the child was hyperventilating because she wasn’t allowed to listen to her music in the car, her dad roared at her to stop.

PleaseGoogleIt · 12/08/2019 09:58

@Butchyrestingface yes I'm native, lived in Yorkshire my entire life. Never, ever heard 'roaring' before

Butchyrestingface · 12/08/2019 10:01

@Butchyrestingface yes I'm native, lived in Yorkshire my entire life. Never, ever heard 'roaring' before

Well, you have now. Grin

Very common in er, Glasgow.

FenellaMaxwell · 12/08/2019 10:02

So just to clarify, she was practically hyperventilating because she couldn’t have her music on, and he shouted at her to stop hyperventilating?

greenlavender · 12/08/2019 10:03

I'm not sure. Can't judge how bad his temper was, but on face value your DD sounds over indulged.

Jimmylaw9 · 12/08/2019 10:05

Children can learn right from wrong but they are emotionally unconscious until about 6 or 7. Roaring at them is pointless. Short term it makes them fearful and long term emotionally it affects them. Getting annoyed frustrated at them etc all normal but given what’s been posted it seems disproportionate. Personally I gave up the radio for the sake of peace and plug my earphones in if I need to listen to something

Ohnononono · 12/08/2019 10:06

If he has no experience with children then he probably doesn’t know how to handle this. Would he be willing to read any child behaviour books?

I think you both need to sit down together and discuss a common strategy for how to handle your child’s behaviour. Having parents at odds over how to handle a situation doesn’t help the child at all.
Yes you are qualified in childcare but it doesn’t mean you are always right. It is hard sometimes to see our own children objectively.
If he feels you are not strict enough, ask him for specific examples. Ask him how he would handle it (without shouting). Maybe he feels he has to be the tough, shouty parent. It could be the way he was brought up so he doesn’t know any different. Being a good parent isn’t something that everyone instinctively knows, it’s something you have to work at, and be constantly learning and willing to accept your own errors. This is where I think the biggest issue would be for me here, that your DH wasn’t able to accept he did anything wrong.
Do you think he feels judged by you and that you are overly critical of his parenting?

DH and I definitely have different parenting styles - he feels I am too soft and I feel he is too strict. He felt I didn’t trust him. When DD was a toddler we had to sit down and agree a common strategy and both of us had to take the other’s point of view on board. However he did agree to read some parenting books which helped.

It may be that you feel it’s all gone too far and you don’t want to be a couple anymore. However be aware that just because you are separated doesn’t mean the parenting issues will go away - just that you will be negotiating as two separate parents rather than a couple.

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 10:07

Roaring just means yelling, it just sounds more dramatic. It sounds like your dd is indulged within an inch of her life, op, and behaves accordingly.
It’s hardly likely that she was hyperventilating at him yelling at her, the tantrum surely came first? Or what was he yelling at?

Jellybeansincognito · 12/08/2019 10:10

I also thought your dd is over indulged. How much of a tantrum would she have been having for your husband to lose his temper?

Why did you go to her and undermine his parenting? You’ll have just made her feel like something was wrong.

It’s not nice to shout at your kids, but it sounds like there’s issues all round.

Pinkout · 12/08/2019 10:12

Most of us have lost it at some point, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent unless you do it constantly. It’s hard in a car because there’s no escape, you just feel utterly trapped and enclosed.

Did he kick off literally just because she wanted music on though or was she throwing a tantrum and he kicked off in response to the tantrum? It is hard dealing with tantrums whilst driving and dangerous tbh.

Original poster
Westside1 · 12/08/2019 10:13

I was in the house so didn’t witness everything but when I opened door could hear dd bawling and saw him turn around and roar at her to stop. I opened the door and she was really distressed, lots of tears it wasn’t just made up. What disturbs me most is that he would turn and roar at her when it was obvious she was really distressed. I’m sorry if some of you think I’m overreacting but I’m appalled at such behaviour. Teachers/childminder tell me she is perfectly behaved in there settings. She plays up for me (not all the time) but most 4 year olds would be the same. Going into work now at 11 so need to go

OP posts:
HostofDaffodils · 12/08/2019 10:13

I think car journeys are quite boring for children. They're trapped in a car seat. When that seat is in the back they can't have eye contact with their parents. Journeys may be quite long and they certainly have no control about how long they are strapped in for. One way to make this relative isolation and imprisonment more bearable is a) to give them an element of choice over something like music and/or b) to talk to them some of the time during the journey. There may be times when neither a) nor b) is possible. The driver may need some information on the radio or to pay attention to the road. But in this case it's the father who sounds more like the child who has to have his own way. As he's a great deal bigger and stronger, I imagine the roaring was very frightening for the child. It might be permissible to roar to stop a child running into to a busy road. Or if a child had done something to cause their parent great physical pain. But not otherwise.

PerfectPenquins · 12/08/2019 10:14

An adult shouting at a child is of course horrible and its frightening for them. He should have stepped out of the car and calmed himself down. Not acknowledging that he dealt with the situation poorly is a big issue. She's only little ffs.

CatteStreet · 12/08/2019 10:14

I haven't read any of the OP's other threads.

I'm bemused at the idea that her having her music on in the car and being upset because her father wouldn't put it on for her = over-indulged. Why do adult wants automatically go before children's routines (really important to them at that age)? Being a parent means you can't always listen to sport (or music or whatever) when you feel like it.

I would understand 'roaring' to mean very loud and sustained shouting, intended to silence and/or terrify. Some are using it as a synonym for ordinary shouting. OP, can you clarify which it was?

Jellybeansincognito · 12/08/2019 10:15

Can’t have been that bad, you still let her go with him.

CatteStreet · 12/08/2019 10:15

(Not that any shouting is great parenting, but I think here the quality of the shouting does make a difference, along with the frequency etc)

Chottie · 12/08/2019 10:17

I have tears in my eyes too.

That little girl, being shouted at by the one person she should always feel safe and secure with....