Really upset about dh roaring at our 4 year old

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I have previously posted about this but I’m really shook up tonight. Dh was bringing dd in car earlier and I just happened to open front door as they’d forgotten bag when I witnessed him roaring at her and her really distressed in car. She wanted her music put on and he wanted to listen to match. He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop. Windows were slightly open and I could hear all this. I got in beside her until she calmed down and then they left. I wanted to let her stay at home but he insisted she would be fine. She was fine when she came home. I’m so upset all evening and can hardly look at him. If I witnessed a parent doing this to their child I’d be appalled but to see my own child being treated like this is torture. He keeps telling me I’m over reacting, that she was just playing up so there’s no point arguing with him as we are going around in circles. He had a go at me as I’m not strict enough with her etc.

Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me is thinking I need to start thinking of a new start for me and dd. Any advice welcome.

It does mean ordinary shouting

So, dd was bawling and he yelled at her to stop. Why was she bawling? Because she’d been told no?

You have tears in your eyes because a parent shouted at their demanding child?

Ok then....

What strikes me, is that he wasn't saying 'no' for her own good, or for any safety reasons and wasn't doing so patiently, calmly, or in any way suited to or focused on explaining things to a child.

He was saying 'I want x so shut up!'. So basically two toddlers shouting 'mine, mine, mine' at each other.

From what you've said, he wasn't parenting. He was performing selfishness.

Sounds like a classic case of not understanding that, with small dcs, you have to 'invest first' to reap the rewards of good behaviour, or time to yourself. You cannot demand instant capitulation and expect anything other than upset.

Well no, he was telling her to stop bawling...

Sweet Jesus, “he was performing selfishness” 🤣

Please stop saying roaring. I can't take it seriously and keep envisioning him looking like a lion and physically roaring 😂

To me 'roaring' is loud, aggressive, sustained shouting, from the back of the throat. The kind that sounds really angry and is intended to shock, scare and intimidate, not just to get a message across urgently.

Without having actually heard him, I don't think any of us can say whether this was forgivable or not. Parents raising their voice can sound perfectly reasonable, or abusive, depending on the tone, the words and the body language that goes along with it.

@lottiegarbanzo it doesn’t matter what his reasons were. He was the parent, he didn’t want to listen to children’s songs whilst he was driving. That is absolutely ok.

I don’t know anyone who puts kiddy songs on in the car, usually it’s radio with music/ commentary.

That poor neglected child for not being allowed music on in the car 🙄.

As roaring is apparently a regional word, I don't really know whether it's just another word for shouting or something else.

I have tears in my eyes too. That little girl, being shouted at by the one person she should always feel safe and secure with....

Oh behave.

sounds like all of you overreacted

Yes, it sounds as though he was acting like a selfish toddler himself. 'I want this, so you can shut up!'.

An adult, a parent, anyone with a bit of maturity, would understand the need to explain things to a child calmly, in terms the child can understand.

It is absolutely not, lottie, in the context op is using it. It means common or garden yelling or shouting.
Op says she was bawling and he yelled (roared) at her to stop. Nothing sustained about it. You do seem to be feeding the drama, for some reason.
Possibly based on your misunderstanding of what op meant by roaring.

@lottiegarbanzo how do you know he didn’t before the child threw a massive tantrum?
We’re you there?

What strikes me, is that he wasn't saying 'no' for her own good, or for any safety reasons and wasn't doing so patiently, calmly, or in any way suited to or focused on explaining things to a child.

He was saying no because presumably, he's the driver and he didn't want to listen to children's songs in the car? What's wrong with that?

I grew up spending every single car journey listening to Radio 4. If I wanted to listen to my own music, I had my cassette player or CD player and headphones I got older. If I'd starting crying and throwing a tantrum because he'd said no, I'm pretty sure I'd have been shouted at as well - and quite right too!

Jellybeans the issue isn't the choice of soundtrack (though if this child's routine is that she does always listen to songs in this car then that is relevant, whatever your life experience), it's the way he 'explained' his choice to her - by the sound of it he didn't explain.

Your posts almost suggest you’d been there, lottie? Talk about making a drama out of a crisis. You’ve extrapolated wildly from the info op has given and she actually was there.

@lottiegarbanzo apparently it was a minute ago, you compared him to a toddler because he wanted to listen to his own stuff.

Op hasn’t said anything about him explaining to her, that’s just something you’re assuming. However- it’s clear to see that this child really knows how to throw a strop when they don’t get what they want, and at 4 that’s quite concerning. To me anyway.
They should be able to take a no on the chin.

I think you’re overreacting massively.

when I opened door could hear dd bawling and saw him turn around and roar at her to stop. I opened the door and she was really distressed, lots of tears it wasn’t just made up. What disturbs me most is that he would turn and roar at her when it was obvious she was really distressed

This makes it sound as if she had already worked herself up into a state about not being allowed to listen to her music, and that he got annoyed and shouted - not that he shouted at her to the point that she hyperventilated because of him shouting. The two are very different.

He should not have shouted, of course. But you don't sound as if you have effective parenting strategies either, OP, so your "listen to me because I have a childcare qualification" attitude must be super-annoying for your DH. As PPs have said, you need to agree a parenting strategy that you are both happy with, and that doesn't rely on your DD always getting her way. Then you need to back each other up, not undermine each other. You are not doing DD any favours by always letting her have her way.

Sadly, real tears do not mean justifiable upset. I know many youngsters who can turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat, including my own.
Being on the same parenting page is vital to survival of yours relationship. If my partner decided that sharing the radio was too much to negotiate with a toddler (seriously, wtaf) then I would consider that we were not well matched. Thankfully we both ageee that kids need to learn that the world does not revolve around them, starting at home. You can see those that don’t get taught this a mile off - constantly attention seeking, interrupting, asking if they are the best, no manners, pleases or thank yous, hitting and kicking parents and others. It does kids no favours. They can learn to coexist happily well before 6/7. As mine did.

I don’t know anyone who puts kiddy songs on in the car, usually it’s radio with music/ commentary.

If it was any of that Baby Shark shite, I’d be on #teamdad.

He sounds horrible. Go with your instincts OP. If you have been leaning towards a fresh start then explore it.

He has no experience of dealing with children

But he does thought, he has had 4 years of experience...