Really upset about dh roaring at our 4 year old

[Westside1]

I have previously posted about this but I’m really shook up tonight. Dh was bringing dd in car earlier and I just happened to open front door as they’d forgotten bag when I witnessed him roaring at her and her really distressed in car. She wanted her music put on and he wanted to listen to match. He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop. Windows were slightly open and I could hear all this. I got in beside her until she calmed down and then they left. I wanted to let her stay at home but he insisted she would be fine. She was fine when she came home. I’m so upset all evening and can hardly look at him. If I witnessed a parent doing this to their child I’d be appalled but to see my own child being treated like this is torture. He keeps telling me I’m over reacting, that she was just playing up so there’s no point arguing with him as we are going around in circles. He had a go at me as I’m not strict enough with her etc.

Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me is thinking I need to start thinking of a new start for me and dd. Any advice welcome.

Oh I just read your earlier post about your husband. Raising kids brings out the best and worst (and everything in between) in all of us OP. Your other half is human, and it sounds like you have seen him in a certain light and his halo has slipped somewhat as he has become a parent. I'd say give him a go with a child specialist or a therapist or someone to try and see what's going on with his anger, and then you can make a call further down the line. I can't think of any parent I know who hasn't admitted (or just mentioned in passing, it's not really anything that particularly strange) to being angry from time to time at their kids so you might need to look at your own expectations too. We are all only human and anger can be incredibly difficult to control until we are more aware of what we are doing. Of course in an ideal world none of us would get angry at our children but we don't live in that world so we have to make do with what we have. You also sound a bit angry too so you might want to explore that in yourself as well as you might possibly be transferring this on to your husband. Judgement can also be disguised anger too.

😂 laughing at some of the dramatic posts. Tears in your eyes, performing selfishness, roaring...

Nobody really knows what actually happened because we only have OP’s point of view and she could be dramatising herself.

That’s the problem on here... we only get one side of the story and yet everyone throws around words like abusive, controlling, coercive...

I genuinely pity your husbands

@Armadillostoes

My children are now 7 and 6. I've raised both of them through the age of four, and never once did either of my kids work themselves into such a state because they were told no. OP hasn't bothered to teach her child that no means no and you can't always get your own way. No wonder the husband us blowing up. Being told no to having music on should not result in a child having a tantrum and crying. It never did with my 2.

I think roaring at your children and belittling the things they are upset about will make them feel unloved, yes.

I don’t think I parent perfectly; I worry constantly about getting things wrong and I do my best to try and get it right. Of course I have snapped (snapped, not roared, I think that behaviour is genuinely worrying) at my kids when I’ve been under multiple stresses and been overwhelmed. When it happens I take the time to apologise to them, afterwards if I can’t in the moment, admit I was wrong and explain shouting isn’t acceptable. I don’t know how much I’m getting right. I do make an effort to think about my interactions with my children and how that affects them emotionally, and change my own behaviour as a result where I can. And actually I don’t think it’s ok for kids to learn that shouting at people is acceptable.

I’m just really shocked at how many people think shouting at small kids is an effective way of disciplining them in the first place. It just doesn’t work. You’re not helping yourselves, it’s illogical. If you can try and remain calm, or apologise when you have failed to, everyone wins.

Seriously? You think an adult should put a child's demand to listen to music before his/her wanting to listen to a match?

Yes. Why should parent’s want trump child’s? They’re both people. It’s extremely boring for kids in the back of a car.

I roared at my daughter yesterday. I don’t often do it ad when I do she realises she has went too far. She doesn’t feel unloved.

If it happened frequently then yes, that’s a different issue and will affect a child long term but that’s not what we are talking about.

cheby Why would my shouting at my child worry you?

And to the poster who implied you shouldn’t consider your child’s feelings because some other people won’t, I don’t even know where to start with that one.

You do know you can teach resilience without being a colossal bellend towards your children?!

Can't believe the amount of people who think it's funny to deliberately "misunderstand," roaring to wind the OP up - is he a lion ?

It's a perfectly normal colloquism for shouting or screaming.

Some of you must be hard work if you take everything so literally in real life.

If I say I'm "under the wheather," do you seriously ask if I'm under the sun or the rain.

Take no notice OP. I'm pretty sure they aren't speaking English as an additional language, knew exactly what you meant, and are just trying to wind you up.

@Cheby
Children need to learn how to be bored. They don't need and should not have constant stimulation. They need to sit and be bored so they can come up with their own strategies to cope with boredom and find ways to entertain themselves and use their imagination. Blaring stupid kids songs every time you're in the car means they won't be looking out the window or at the clouds. When my kids are in the car, they look out their windows and imagine Pokemon hiding around the trees and roads and I can hear them saying to each other "oh, I'm going to catch the nidoran" or whatever. When they're alone in the car, the do the same thing. Imagination. Much more important that idiotic songs.

Oh and my kids music would never get put on in my car. Not a chance.

Yes. Why should parent’s want trump child’s?

In a car, safety is paramount. I wouldn't want to be distracted by ridiculous children's songs - I need to concentrate on what I'm doing and on the road around me.

I’m just really shocked at how many people think shouting at small kids is an effective way of disciplining them in the first place.

Why is shouting worse than being snapped at? I hated being snapped at as a child - I genuinely found it really really upsetting and I still do as an adult. I also hated "the look" or the "cold, clipped voice" some people have mentioned upthread - it feels much more intimidating and unpleasant to me.

Each to their own.

look at my username OP, and take action for all your sakes.
However, whatever you do about your husband get some parenting lessons because your child is being spoiled.

When my son was a toddler he was a bit of handful and I was always shouting No! After a while he started shouting as well so I realised he was copying me and becoming shouty all the time. So I forced myself to talk quietly and firmly to him. It was a waste of time he still continued to shout and throw things. I think children are born with their own personalities because my daughter was quiet and well behaved. I treated both of them the same but they are completely different people. As my son got older the shouting stopped and he became well behaved thank goodness.

you seemingly know what a colloquialism is @Sootyandsweep2019 but still misunderstand why people don’t understand?

Ok.

Well said TheInvestigator

The more you post, Cheby, the more I hope I never run into your children.
I’d probably recognise them if I did, though. They’d be the one’s running riot while mummy ineffectually wrings her hands but is afraid to tell them off in case it hurts their feelings.
Do you think many people will want to be around them; these children whose wants trump everyone else’s?

They’ll also be the adults HeadintheiClouds that have anxiety issues and cannot deal with every day life because of how they’ll only care about their own feelings and nobody else’s, unlike well rounded adults that have been taught resilience.

Whilst your DH maybe didn’t handle the situation particularly well I imagine he feels incredibly undermined by you.
Your Dd was told no, she had a meltdown because she didn’t like that. She shouldn’t be allowed to get her own way every time, life isn’t like that.
Sit down with your husband and have a serious discussion about how you handle situations like this in the future, and don’t mention your qualification, he’s a parent too.

OP at 4 years old I'd expect tears and tantrums occasionally. I'd expect not-quite-right reactions to situations because she's still very much a work in progress. You can help her learn that no means no, that she is fine to cry and feel cross and that tantrums won't get her anywhere. By 4 she's old enough to talk about situations and learn how to modify her behaviour; you can say to her "you look like you're feeling really cross, can I help?" and figure out better ways for her to handle her feelings.

However, your DH is the finished article. This man is however many more years older and feels that the appropriate response to his upset child is to roar at her. That's the part I'd have a problem with. Adults who see an upset child and chuck another shouty petrol bomb on top aren't helping their child handle their anger or frustration, and are probably more likely to see another tantrum next time because the child is further frustrated and lacks the skills to handle their feelings positively.

All children push boundaries and try it on. Totally normal and you, as parent, get to decide which battles you deem worth picking. But you're picking a battle with a grown man who sees no issue with adding fuel to the fire of an upset by child by roaring at her, and who shuts you down when you dare to question his parenting. That's not even remotely ok.

Oh dear-@TheInvestigator you have just proved my point. You have two children, their responses do not prove ANYTHING about children in general.

Also you seem very confused about the concept of routine-I notice you ignored the bit of the post you couldn't answer. The 0child was not demanding a "treat" she was upset because what she was expecting to happen suddenly didn't happen. That is confusing for a child of tatt age.

A 4 year old knows (or should) that music is not a necessity. It might've been a routine for her. But by 4 she should know that the adult has said no.

@Armadillostoes

Children expect things to happen all the time. But changes occur, and at 4 years old she should have been taught that even when you're used to something, there will be times when the answer is no and you cannot throw a tantrum when that happens. One example for us is that my kids always have pancakes on a Sunday, when I say no because something else is happening they don't throw a tantrum. There is disappointment of course, but they've learned how to handle that in a respectful way. They've learned that sometimes the answer is no, even when it's something they often have. When they are told no then that's the answer. They don't tantrum. As OP said, her daughter behaves like a little madam. She got told no and had a tantrum and was shouted at to stop her ridiculous behaviour. She obviously hasn't learned the word no or been taught that even regular things don't always happen . At 4, she should know better.

I used to find it scary when my father shouted. It's particularly scary in a confined place - a car, a car seat - when you can't get away. I think it's particularly hard, as others have said, when the thing the child has been told is reasonable is suddenly withheld. If a child understands that Mummy likes songs and music in her car, but Daddy hates it and will choose what he likes (sport) in his car then that might be viable. Or if it's explained in advance that when Daddy drives in Mummy's car then Daddy's rules apply.

How is it confusing for a 4 year old than be told what they’re expecting to happen “suddenly” doesn’t happen, when they’ve been told it won’t? They mightn’t like it, but it’s not remotely confusing. A hefty percentage of 4 year olds are at school.
They can deal with things happening differently without being confused.
Pissed off, maybe, but that’s life.

was upset because what she was expecting to happen suddenly didn't happen. That is confusing for a child of tatt age.

So how is a child ever going to learn to cope with that unless it's allowed to happen to them sometimes? Without shouting, but by saying 'no, you can't have what you want this time'?