Really upset about dh roaring at our 4 year old

[Westside1]

I have previously posted about this but I’m really shook up tonight. Dh was bringing dd in car earlier and I just happened to open front door as they’d forgotten bag when I witnessed him roaring at her and her really distressed in car. She wanted her music put on and he wanted to listen to match. He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop. Windows were slightly open and I could hear all this. I got in beside her until she calmed down and then they left. I wanted to let her stay at home but he insisted she would be fine. She was fine when she came home. I’m so upset all evening and can hardly look at him. If I witnessed a parent doing this to their child I’d be appalled but to see my own child being treated like this is torture. He keeps telling me I’m over reacting, that she was just playing up so there’s no point arguing with him as we are going around in circles. He had a go at me as I’m not strict enough with her etc.

Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me is thinking I need to start thinking of a new start for me and dd. Any advice welcome.

Christ on a bike, I worry for the upcoming generation of kids if half the people on this thread are being serious.
Sounds like your 4 year old kicked off, your husband yelled at her to pack it in, and you came swooping in and now your child knows exactly how to play the two of you off each other. If I make daddy angry, mummy will be annoyed with him and let me do what I want.

My dad yelled at me when I was kicking off as a child too. Funnily enough, it hasn't hurt me in any way, as I realise that he never yelled unless I was being a horror, and my dad is my best friend.

Funny that...

Do you know how many people are NC from their parents? Have you spent any time on mumsnet? Only 50% of parents in nursing homes even get visits from their kids ffs 😂 stop being so naive thinking your kids will give a shit about you when you’re old and frail when you’re abusive to them as children. And yes shouting/screaming at a defenceless child is abuse 🤷‍♀️

Emotive language hithere

“Abusive”, “screaming” etc

If my kids go NC because I yelled at them when they were 5 “just go to bed” then that’s the risk I take.

Fuck, my mum spanked me at couple of times. Your head will explode at that.

Ah mumsnet, that fully representative cross section of society, where going NC and LTB are as common as Pom Bears at a picnic.

But if you’re defending this woman’s husband and think that it’s normal you likely have problems. If I ever “roared” at a crying child I would feel sick with guilt, I’d feel like a monster, what reason was there for him to continuously shout at her whilst she was crying? He’s just a bully on a power trip.

There’s no point in this discussion, it’s just a circle jerk of dysfunctional people with anger issues who probably don’t have the temperament to be parents.

Feel free to leave then, bye

Your now expanding the story - the OP used pretty emotive language but hasn’t actually given much detail about what actually happened. The “continuously” part is all in your head, I’ve not seen the OP describe a prolonged screaming match.

And honestly if raising your voice to a child would make you “sick with guilt”, you need to work on self compassion. We’re all human, tempers fray, relationships can be repaired.

@Hithere12 from the OP, the child is crying because they didn't get their own way, not because they got yelled at.

I’m happy to look at any actual evidence (research, peer reviewed, academically credible) you have that in the context of an otherwise healthy relationship, shouting at a child occasionally causes long term emotional harm. I’m thinking I might be waiting a while.

He didn't continuously yell at her while she was crying, the OP said she opened the door the dd was crying and she saw her dh turn round and yell at her, then she ran out to the car to comfort her until she "calmed down". If I thought my dh was being verbally abusive to my children in the car, I wouldn't be letting him drive away with them without me. OP let her child go after she calmed down, she couldn't have been that worried.

And yes shouting/screaming at a defenceless child is abuse

Shouting at a child is abusive? Don't be so bloody daft.

Meh. Our kids might be 'verbally abused' (lol), but at least they won't grow up into unbearable spoilt bloody monsters.

@Contraceptionismyfriend @Skittlenommer funny how many posts come up of mothers pulling their hair out and shouting at their kids on MN. But they all get support. Guess they shouldn't have bred either

I’d have said the same to a mother. People consider more carefully what goes on their monthly shopping lists than they do their reasons for having children.

‘Oh I’m so stressed out and exhausted, if only I knew children were hard work before having them’, it’s the same old story!

A little forward thinking would save a ton of hassle!

my parents were shouters and spankers and I do hold that against them. But my adult relationship with my mum was very strong (dad died many years ago) and when she was in hospital we were there day in, day out.

DH had a very good childhood, much calmer - 'ideal, perfect' he would say. His adult relationship isn't that great with either parent - not bad, but not especially close, and geographically he isn't close to them, so if the same happened with either of his parents he wouldn't be there day in, day out.

How does that sit with your 'research', Hithere12?

I can see both sides; she was being spoiled and he didn't handle it well by roaring.
I would have words with both of them tbh.

A little forward thinking would save a ton of hassle!

Yeah because then I would've known that DD would be a baby/toddler that didn't eat,sleep or talk.

Not that we're on the other side of it and she sleeps great, talks too much and we're still working on the eating, I can see that a lot of the stress,anger,worry and frustration ( "I broke the baby!!" Wails happened frequently) was unnecessary.

People consider more carefully what goes on their monthly shopping lists than they do their reasons for having children.

Oh fuck off, I went through 15 years of infertility, investigations, and then a lengthy adoption process to have my children. There was more thought, tears, heartache and effort that went into me becoming a parent that you could begin to understand - and yet sometimes I’m human, loose patience and shout,

Don’t be so bloody condescending.

@jellycatspyjamas Oh fuck off, I went through 15 years of infertility, investigations, and then a lengthy adoption process to have my children. There was more thought, tears, heartache and effort that went into me becoming a parent that you could begin to understand - and yet sometimes I’m human, loose patience and shout, Don’t be so bloody condescending.

As a whole it’s true (you may be part of a small minority). You see it here all the time. “Oh I forgot to take my pill, DH and I are now shocked that I’m pregnant with my 8th”! Time and time and time again the same irresponsibility on here. People mindlessly getting pregnant and then complaining that they’re in a bind or they don’t enjoy their lives.

That because people who’s family life was well planned and ticking along nicely don’t post on MN, Skittle. So just because you see something ‘all the time’ on MN doesn’t mean it’s the norm.

But planning doesn’t automatically = good parent, you know. And the reality of being a parent is not something you can plan for.

Like jellycat DD was very very much planned and wanted and a lot of heartbreak and many years went into bringing her into the world. I still struggled massively with being a parent and yes, have shouted. But I have a 9 year old who is secure in the love that we have for her.

Oh ffs. I knew this thread would get a bunch of responses from people who also abuse their kids. Some people just aren’t fit to be parents.

Shouting at your children once in a while is now abuse. Amazing.

This!!!!