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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really upset about dh roaring at our 4 year old

298 replies

Westside1 · 11/08/2019 22:19

I have previously posted about this but I’m really shook up tonight. Dh was bringing dd in car earlier and I just happened to open front door as they’d forgotten bag when I witnessed him roaring at her and her really distressed in car. She wanted her music put on and he wanted to listen to match. He was driving my car and I always let her listen to her music. She was practically hyperventilating and he was roaring at her to stop. Windows were slightly open and I could hear all this. I got in beside her until she calmed down and then they left. I wanted to let her stay at home but he insisted she would be fine. She was fine when she came home. I’m so upset all evening and can hardly look at him. If I witnessed a parent doing this to their child I’d be appalled but to see my own child being treated like this is torture. He keeps telling me I’m over reacting, that she was just playing up so there’s no point arguing with him as we are going around in circles. He had a go at me as I’m not strict enough with her etc.

Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me is thinking I need to start thinking of a new start for me and dd. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Latenightblues · 11/08/2019 23:32

A man who roars at a child because she's being a temporary obstacle to him listening to the football sounds like a snowflake and a spoiled brat to me. A poster on here the other day got absolutely slaughtered because she snapped at her child when she was stressed, but it seems to be normal to hold men to a low standard on here.

AngelasAshes · 11/08/2019 23:39

Yes shouting at kids is not ideal, but every parent has lost the plot and had a shout. I have.
I would worry if he’d shouted for no reason, but there was a reason.
Child wanted her music on but he wanted the match on.
Mum always lets child decide music in car. Dad does not.
Mum and Dad have different rules...which is inconsistent parenting...which leads to the dreaded tantrum.
Child had tantrum, probably included things like “but mum always lets me..this is not fair..” and then the old tactic of hyperventilating to make yourself cry (second to holding your breath until you turn blue)
Mummy sweeps in and glares at Dad...child is encouraged to string out the hyperventilating to ensure Dad is in trouble, not them.

So...way ahead. Mum needs to hear Dad’s side of the story and have a bit of trust. I am sure she has shouted at her daughter at least once before. Mum and Dad need to make joint decision on music in car rule- ours is that driver always decides. Child must abide by rule.
Dad apologise for losing temper and shouting.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/08/2019 23:40

In all fairness to the DH on a previous thread the OP has said the DD was roaring her head off so it may be her go to choice of phrase.

However all your threads OP indicate you are not happy in your marriage. He works crazy hours, he doesn't help uou emough now you are working part time, he doesn't agree with some of the ways you parent, and now this one. So if you are unhappy why are you still with him? All your posts have said you think you woukd be happier without him and you also said you could move to your parents temporarily. Why don't you do this?

CheshireChat · 12/08/2019 00:08

I'm baffled by all the posters who are backing up the OP's husband- he could've just said no, put the match on and turned it up if the kid continued to whine.

My DP had a similar reaction towards DS and damn right I interfered and defended my kid- he's a kid! DP however acknowledged he was wrong so very different outcome.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 12/08/2019 00:53

DD was having a major meltdown the other day and started kicking and hitting me. It took me ages to calm her. What do you find works best when your dc are like this?

This is from a post you wrote about your daughter, clearly this is challenging behaviour. Toddler tantrums can test the most patient parent, and as frustrating as it can be, as humans we can lose our cool. Your daughter didn't get her way and she kicked up a fuss, but this is something that needs to be managed and you both need to work as a team. You cannot pander to her all the time and when you say no, it means no.

Let this go, I am sure you have shouted at your daughter before. What you two should discuss is how you will handle her tantrums and that you wish to work as a team so that she knows if dad says no, mum won't come in and undermine him and say yes to her.

Euclid · 12/08/2019 00:58

OP I don't know anything about your backstory with your husband but it seems to me that you have indulged you DD to be an entitled little madam. If things are bad with your husband she no doubt picks up on this and screams for you so as to get her own way. Not good.

Original poster
Westside1 · 12/08/2019 09:24

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply. It is great to get the opinion of others. Yes dd can be a little madam at times but roaring at her is not the answer and that is what I’m trying to get through to dh. I’m still very upset today. I have asked him to meet with an childcare expert so we can work out best ways to deal with dd behaviour but he says no way. I am qualified in childcare so this is why I’m adamant that roaring at her is not the way to go and maybe if someone else tells him he may listen.

For a number of reasons I have been thinking over the last year that my marriage is in trouble. I could move to my parents house but am not going to do anything yet as it’s a huge move and if I am to move I’d prefer to have my own place sorted. Ending a marriage is a major step and I want to be sure I’m doing the right thing as opposed to making a decision when I’m upset with him.

Dh was always so kind and gentle and still is most of the time, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined he would be like this with our child. He has no experience of dealing with children and just doesn’t seem to be able to handle any bad behaviour which all children will have at times. It has turned me off him a bit to be honest.

OP posts:
zzzzzzzz12345 · 12/08/2019 09:26

Your daughter was hyperventilating because she couldn’t listen to music? Sounds like they were both out of order and they sorted it out themselves?

bouncingraindrops · 12/08/2019 09:27

A childcare expert?

I'm sorry but he was a cunt. A childcare expert won't change that. Someone that can behave like that towards a 4 year old isn't doing it because they do t know any better.

bouncingraindrops · 12/08/2019 09:28

And whether you choose to let her listen to music is irrelevant. He was plain nasty.

jellycatspyjamas · 12/08/2019 09:30

I am qualified in childcare so this is why I’m adamant that roaring at her is not the way to go

I’d respectfully suggest that if your 4 year old is throwing tantrums and being violent towards you, your discipline isn’t working either - I imagine your DH is weary of watching you tip toe round your child and lost the rag. You need to agree clear, immediately consequences for poor behaviour and stick to them, including how you react when she works herself into a state having been disciplined.

You may have a childcare qualification but your parenting sounds no better than his.

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 09:34

Hang on, how often has he shouted at her? Is this a regular thing or not?

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 12/08/2019 09:35

Eh? Shouting at a child is not ideal but really is not the end of the world either. If he was doing it at a drop of the hat then it might be ideal to have a word with him. And my kids are able work themselves up into a hyperventilating tantrum even when the issue is minor and i’m calm, so i’d discount that detail.

Children don’t have a right to listen to music in the car.

DontBeOffensive · 12/08/2019 09:35

Still dont know what roaring means really. Did he just shout once "stop that" or something small like that or was he literally screaming at her (which I highly doubt)

A childcare expert?? What a load of nonsense. You sound like you just want to end your marriage and this is a good thing to jump on. Sounds a bit like your DD is a bit of a brat and could do with some boundaries but obviously we're working on limited information.

Original poster
Westside1 · 12/08/2019 09:36

Jellycatpyjamas, this is why is suggest we meet with an expert. I have a qualification and years of experience of working with preschoolers and know that roaring at a child is not the way to behave.

She is more often than not a fun, happy 4 year old but she does have her episodes and yes I ageee we have totally different ways of dealing with it.

OP posts:
Russell19 · 12/08/2019 09:37

What is roaring?

GiveMeHope103 · 12/08/2019 09:39

Whilst I agree with others saying that it's not good to always indulge her, what your dh did was so wrong. If she was at a point of hyperventilating and him not calming her down but instead making her more distressed then I fully agree with you. I cant imagine my dh or I doing this to our ds and I would be horrified if I had witnessed this, regardless of the circumstance around it.

Armadillostoes · 12/08/2019 09:39

OP-I am really sorry that things sound quite rough in general at the moment and hope that you find what feels like the right way forward.

I am glad that most people here have made helpful comments. Ignore anybody who thinks that roaring at small children is ever acceptable or the correct approach to a situation. It's understandable and it happens to everyone at times, but seeing it as an reasonable thing to do, rather than an unfortunate lapse, is just plain stupid.

Also @TheInvestigator if a child is used to a particular thing happening in a particular context it is part of their routine. Suddenly taking it away is going to cause upset, it is just absurd to suddenly describe something like that as a privilege. You really don't seem to have a clue about how four year olds operate.

jellycatspyjamas · 12/08/2019 09:40

So, how do you discipline your daughter? You’re rightly critical of him “roaring” at her but what do you do when she’s demanding her own way, hitting you and kicking you?

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 09:41

From your others threads it seems that DD does have some temper issues OP? You also repeat that you have all the childcare experience and your H has none. He probably feels undermined if you say this to him too.

bouncingraindrops · 12/08/2019 09:42

I have a qualification and years of experience of working with preschoolers and know that roaring at a child is not the way to behave.

Oh stop making excuses for him. You don't need a qualification to know it's not ok to be a cunt to a 4 year old.

He is a nasty bully.

PleaseGoogleIt · 12/08/2019 09:44

I really don't understand what roaring means, unless you're a lion.

Butchyrestingface · 12/08/2019 09:47

Why was your daughter hyperventilating, @Westside1? It’s not clear. Is it because he was shouting at her? Or did he shout at her because she was hyperventilating due to not getting her own way about the music?

Butchyrestingface · 12/08/2019 09:48

I really don't understand what roaring means, unless you're a lion.

Are you a native speaker of English?

It’s certainly a fairly common expression where I am (central Scotland).

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 09:49

Roaring is shouting, screaming.

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