I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

YANBU. My DM’s partner of five years is not my DC’s Grandad, they call him his first name and always have. She tried once to push the Grandad thing and I shot her down immediately. My Dad isn’t even in my life but I don’t wish to confuse my DC in any way.

Honestly I think this is one of those situations where you are going to have to ignore the emotional blackmail and when she says "we are done", you say " That's a shame but if that's how you feel ok", it won't happen, she won't be done, she's just manipulating you and thinks if she pulls out the big guns you'll back down, don't engage and stand your ground

My maternal grandparents were divorced before I was born, and both had new partners. We were under strict instruction to call them by their first names only.
I was actually closer to my nan's partner and wish I could have called him granddad, he was there before I was born and died when I was an adult with children myself.
Your mum is being unreasonable demanding it from you though.

If she says you're done over that..then leave her to it.

Her partner is not your child's grandad. It's a fact.

YANBU Your DM is.

She's being really unfair, especially with the "we are done" comment.

Take her at her word, you don't need more stress and pressure just now, and you've done nothing wrong.

If she wants to be part of her grandchild's life, she's going to have to get a grip and apologise. If not, it's her loss.

Actually, I think YABU.

This man may be the love of her life, could be around for another 20 years at least and you're clearly not interested in him.

My kids had a step-grandad. (To be fair, my dad was dead so they didn't have a grandad) He was never a father figure to me as he came along after I had two of my dc and I was pregnant with No 3. My siblings dc were older. They called him by his first name. Mine called him grandad.

I was never that close to him but he made my mum happy and cared for her and that was what mattered.

Give yours a different name - Grandpa, Pa, Pops. What's the harm?

Just as an example, I'm very close to my DSD1. Really close, have been since she was 7.

Her Mum will be grannie/nana to her children and I'll be whatever she tells me I am.

How often would your DC see your mum compared to your dad. If they’ll see your mum more often then it makes sense for her DP to be called grandpa_firstname. Remember the DP will have been around your DC’s entire life so as they get older they will decide what to call him - your DC may eventually even grow closer to him than your dad if they see him more often. What would you do then?

Your mum is being unreasonable. It's up to you and your partner what your child calls people. Your Mum is entitled to have a preference but it is not her decision.

Can they call him uncle first name?
I get where you’re coming from but don’t make it into a huge issue - kids will call their grandparents whatever they or you choose and a mixture of both! I had a grandad and a popa growing up - my made up word because I couldn’t say grandpa and then all the younger grandchildren called him this too. I also had an uncle Stan - my great grandmas partner.
My children and nieces and nephews call my parents a mixture of grandma and grandpa and ma and pa!
There really are bigger things to worry about honestly.

Your mum is a bit batshit. Lots ( if not most) families have a mum / dad / granny / grandad plus partner John/ Jane.

Your mum’s new partner isn’t your dad and he’s not your children’s grandfather. He’s not even your step father if they are not married.

Bat shit.

I don’t think YABU. You still have a relationship with your dad who will be your baby’s grandad. You’ll just have to stick to your guns I think.

One possibility is calling your mums partner Grandad Tom or whatever his name is if you felt that you could? If not just tell your mum that you aren’t comfortable with it and it isn’t happening. It’s odd that she’s pushing so hard on this matter.

This man may be the love of her life, could be around for another 20 years at least and you're clearly not interested in him.

Equally, he could be gone in a year. It's not fair to kids for them to call someone grandad/grandma who can just disappear one day and never see them again. Obviously biological grandparents can split up too, but the difference is they'll always be their grandparents.

She is willing to never see her grandchild for the sake of one word?

Is there a compromise eg grandpa Joe or papi or something

I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure

That's your perspective. It's not your child's perspective.

To your child, your mum's partner will have been in his/her life from day one. If your mum is granny then her partner is grandad.

Your dad is also grandad. His role and status is not diminished in any way. There is plenty of room on the broom for grandparents!

I speak as one who had three sets of grandparents, two biologically mine and one step set. My brother shared one of my bio pair and my step set were biologically his. They were all just grandparents to us.

Similarly my niece calls my mum's (third) husband 'grandad'. Like you this felt odd to me, but I realised that's who he is to my niece. Our dad is also grandad (and his wife is also grandma).

It's totally up to you and your mum should respect that.

MIL and FIL are separated and both tried referring to their partners as "Nanny / Grandad [name]" etc. but we just kept referring to them by name only and that is what DC have picked up. It hasn't affected our relationships with any of them. Fact is, neither of their partners are a parental figure to DH so it feels a bit odd for them to have a grandparent title. They are not DCs' grandparents.

YANBU. My MIL has been trying to force this for fifteen years now, every card is from grandma and grandad etc. We simply ignore it and refer to Grandma and J every single time. It helps that we don’t see them often though. FIL wife is referred to by her first name too and has no problem with it at all, even though she refers to our dc as her grandchildren and behaves like a grandparent towards them.

This man may be the love of her life, could be around for another 20 years at least and you're clearly not interested in him

But he’s only been her mother’s life for 4 years, he HE has no interest in OP or her sister either. He is not a dad or a step-dad to OP so why would he be a grandad to her DD? I think this would be very different if there was some relationship there.

OP don’t let anyone emotionally blackmail you as your DM is doing. Even if this is an issue they could be compromised on, saying things like “were done” is just childish and emotionally abusive and for that I’d say well, have it your way and cut contact. “We’re done” is not a negotiation tool!

I can see both sides. My children actually have four 'granddad's due to a combination of partners, parents and step-parents.

They see my dad regularly. They see my husband's dad a few times a year as he lives a few hours away. My MIL's partner is 'granddad' and is not that involved, and my husband's step-dad sees us once or twice a year but is still 'granddad'.

We differentiate with names, so it's 'Granddad Steve', 'Granddad James', etc.

My feelings were similar to yours at first, but over time I've realised that it really doesn't matter. Children know the difference between people who care and are interested in them, and those who are less involved. The names used for them don't matter.

My youngest calls all men of a certain age and appearance 'Daddy', but he knows who his Daddy is. It's the relationships that count.

Your mum is a very silly woman. I don't think I'd want too much to do with her after the 'we're done' comment, even when she backs down and comes crawling back, which she will.

Perhaps ask her, would she be ok if your Dads new partner was going to be called grandma/nanny? I'm sure she wouldn't!

Does he want to be called grandad? He may not even want to be? Why do you think he’d be so invested in your child?

To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn't understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum's previous pattern of behaviour

Sounds like you have other issues with her, not to mention her behaviour with your sisters child - I'd leave her to it and I suggest you take a look at the stately homes thread op -

This is a no brainer for me. He is not your little ones grandad, just isn’t, so why should he be called that.
Just refuse to engage with it.

I think the main issue is your mum’s insistence that your dc call her husband grandpa. The fact that she is trying to force your hand to by telling you that you are done. This would make me want to dig my heels in tbh.

The thing is if you go back to her and agree to her demands she will continue to attempt to emotionally blackmail you when you offend her.
I would just keep my distance for now and see what happens.

So many precious mothers!

As a stepmother to adults I’d hate to be called granny by their children. We don’t always think your children are the centre of our world like you seem to think we will.