I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

YANBU. She's not been with him that long and doesn't sound like you have any meaningful relationship with him. Your baby has a grandpa already, your dad. Your mum is being selfish and making an issue where there isn't one. It's not unusual at all for parents partner not to have a 'title'. I'm from a blended family and there are many issues that arise as a result. I regret the time I spent during my first pregnancy worrying about things like this and getting bogged down by it. When your beautiful baby arrives you'll feel less upset by your mum's behaviour because it will just seem pathetic. Congratulations on your pregnancy and all the very best being a new mummy xx

I feel the same way when Friend's DC call every random adult Aunty and Uncle.

The only people my DC call aunty and uncle are their true Aunts and Uncles.

My siblings DC all called my stepfather Poppy George. No one had a problem with that. He had died by the time my DC were born so I never had to face the problem.

I think YABU about the grandad thing, as it's a nice gesture for a relative's partner. Unless you think they'll break up soon then I don't see the issue. We have grandads in our family they aren't technically Grandads but love being called it by the kids. It welcomes them into the family and they appreciate it. The kids will know the difference and it's unlikely that they'll care anyway.

However, your mum is BU to force the issue.

Mermaid67

I don't think any children should call anyone of the older generation by their first name only, sounds very disrespectful

Head over to Gransnet then mermaid / a very old fashioned opinion, I’ve always called aunts and uncles by first names and my children do too. They also call their teachers and my friends by first names.
I can just imagine my friend’s faces if my children started calling them Mrs Smith or auntie instead of their names.
How ridiculously dated!

I think YABU a bit. My grandmother remarried the year I was born and my siblings and I called her new husband Grandpa. He was not in any way a father figure to my dad, who had two kids himself when they married, but he was the only grandfather we ever knew and was a positive part of our lives.

You sound like you have not welcomed this man into your family, and that must be hurtful to your mother, who presumably loves him enough to marry him. If your concern is not confusing your child or hurting your dad's feelings, then I would agree with other posters and suggest Grandpa Paul to your mum, with Grandad reserved for your dad.

I'm a stepmum hoping for stepgrandchildren one of these days, and my view is that the order of choosing your grandparental nicknames goes: parents of the mum, parents of the dad, step-parents. So as step-grandma I will have to wait until the two grandmas have nicknamed themselves, even though I will probably be more involved with the GC because we live closest. I'm sure if you calmly explain to your mum that the names need to be different to avoid confusion and your dad has first dibs on Granddad she will get it. But it sounds like this has become a proxy re-litigation of old divorce/parenting conflicts, which your stepdad probably wants no part of anyway.

I would try to avoid a major rift over this, even though your mum is being obnoxious in making threats. I would text her to say your dad is going to be Grandad to all his grandchildren, but you really want Paul to be a part of their lives too so you would like to call him Grandpa Paul. I am sure that "Paul" will tell your mum to stop making a fuss and wind her neck in about it if she kicks off after that.

We were in a similar situation, my DM remarried when I was about 20. I was very close to my DF, and when he became terminally ill I was his carer. He died when the children were about 2, but when I was pregnant he felt that my mum was trying to push him out and get my stepdad to replace him (a very astute assumption - she was).

I've got nothing against my stepdad, he's a decent bloke, but he's not my dad. Given my mum's behaviour and how upset my dad was feeling, I made the decision that my children would call my stepdad Uncle XX, and never grandad. Mum wasn't impressed at first but she got over it. it wasn't helped by the fact that my stepdad's GC call my mum "nanny" so she couldn't see why I was being difficult. Maybe I wouldn't have thought about it but my dad getting so upset, and my mum trying to push him out made the decision a no-brainer. Nine years on, no-one even thinks twice about it now.

Haven't RTFT.
I had SGP. They were both called by their first names.
I'm a step parent and have always been called by my first name. It would be strange to be called otherwise IMO.

I think (esp if your DM is 'tricky') that you should pick your battles.

Your kids might even end up giving him his own name when they start talking.

What's the harm in calling his 'Grandpa Pete' for example and your DF 'Grandad'. It's just a name, it would make your mum happy and ease relations.

I would save your stress and energy for something actually worth fighting over.

YABU. Your mum wants her partner to be accepted and treated right which is understandable. Same as we would want our kids from previous relationships to be accepted and treated right by our current partner and his family. It's obvious you don't like him and have never accepted him but she still loves him enough to fight for him.

Surely treating someone right (awful phrase) isn’t about an honorary title, and it goes both ways.

This man can have a special place in the children’s lives regardless of what he is called. He just needs to get to know the,.

He has been dating their grandmother for four years and shows little interest. Why on earth should be be ‘treated right’ by pretending he is these children’s grandparent.

You don’t get a new boyfriend and insist your children call him dad?? Hopefully. That would be really selfish. Using children to ensure a man is ‘treated roght’?

It’s a title with a huge amount of meaning, I am surprised how so many people just want it it to be handed out like it’s meaningless.

I would bestow is ppt iron a step parent if they had played a strong role in my life and I was confident they would love my child and hold a special place in their heart.

I would bestow it on some man who I had no relationship with, just to appease my mother.

Don’t call him uncle. That’s confusing.
I don’t see the big issue- there are lots of names for grandad- pop, papa, grandpa, grandad etc. Just choose one that’s different from your dads chosen one and use it alongside his name. I think grandma and joe seems weird given he has been around for 4 years.
Mind you, I’m a grandma and my husband keeps refusing to be called grandpa as he isn’t baby-mums dad... we ignore him and call him grandpa anyway!! He is in the baby’s life from the word go and the more people who love a child the better. Don’t be so precious.

This has happened to me and my children. My DD’s call my mothers husband Uncle. I still have a Farther whom is Grandad and his wife is called Auntie. I would never disrespect my Mother or Farther by letting another person that is non related Grandad or Grandma. My great gran didn’t like the words, Nanny, Gran, Grandma etc so we were allowed to choose a name for her. As children we chose Rover. So that’s another option, wait until your baby is old enough to chose a name for him.

For what is worth I agree with you. My mum’s husband will be known by his first name and not grandad. He isn’t his grandad. I know my dad would be incredibly hurt if mum’s husband was called grandad too. I know a name for him may develop organically which I’ll have to get onboard with but we will not encourage grandad. He’s not a father figure to me and I do not consider him a step father. Other families may have other step ups that work for them, which is fine, but it is perfectly legitimate for you to feel the way you do.

@Toomuchtrouble4me It isn't dated at all, it is about manners and morals! When did they cease to exist? You aren't allowed to call teachers by their first names and their is a good reason for that. They are children, and no child should ever call an adult by their first name. I am shocked at the utter lack of boundaries and responsible moral parenting.

My Dad married again when my Mum died. My step-mum is always referred to as Dad's wife and her first name. We've occasionally used Grandma name or Aunty name but only as you would for a family friend and it made my S-M really uncomfortable. Stick to seeing Grandma and Bob.

SaraNade

You aren't allowed to call teachers by their first names and their is a good reason for that. They are children, and no child should ever call an adult by their first name. I am shocked at the utter lack of boundaries and responsible moral parenting

Of course children call teachers by their first names -it’s policy In many many schools, also tutors, nursery workers, children’s ward hospital staff, play leaders etc etc All first names.
So if your friend, let’s call her Jane Smith, pops round, do your children call her Mrs Smith? If their new piano teacher says “Hi, I’m Jane” - do you insist on Mrs Smith?
It isn’t about morals! Where do morals come to play in how to address an adult? It’s nothing to do with morality. And your views are old fashioned and in today’s society will be impossible to live by.!
This bit I am shocked by the utter lack of boundaries and responsible moral parenting made me laugh out loud! All I said was that my kids call their teachers and my friends by their first names, I haven’t got them growing cannabis and swigging vodka ffs!

Yet.

@Rtruth

Wow, so your mums partner has been with her 4 years and maybe just maybe he feels nervous around 2 grown adult daughters who don’t want him to be seen as grandad. I wonder why he hasn’t made an effort???

Oh for goodness sake! The OP has said several times now that he hadn’t made any effort BEFORE the whole Grandad thing came up and it’s his lack of effort that made them decide they didn’t want their children calling him Grandad!

Why can’t people READ properly!

@browneyes77

I can read. Making an effort is a 2 way street. If someone comes into a home and has been a mums partner for 4 years I would expect an adult to have made some effort.

OP has said he hasn’t, but by nature of saying “he won’t be called grandad” suggests that she equally hasn’t made much effort,

Equally when if I had adult children I could think of many reasons why a new partner would struggle to make an effort. They may feel they don’t want to try and replace dad (clearly OP has good relationship with him) so what could he do to make the effort??? If he tries to hard is he the creepy step dad? If not he gets told he’s not a grandparent.

I could be wrong but communication is the key, if he hasn’t made effort maybe he doesn’t want to be grandad. However this might be opening to see more effort.

But An adult decision with him might be the way to solve this.

@Rtruth

And if you had read the OP’s posts properly, you’d see she has already said that they’ve tried to make an effort with him many times but they get shut down every time.

Despite all their efforts to be closer to him and get to know him better, they’ve had zero back from him in return and THAT’S WHY they don’t feel they want their children to call him Grandad.

And what could he do to make an effort? Well he could try engaging with them for a start, rather than sitting there saying/doing buggar all when they try and spend time with him and interact with him. That might be a good start. The OP has made it quite clear that both her and her sister have made an effort to get to know him and spend time with him and haven’t had this reciprocated. If someone makes an effort with you and you don’t respond then you only have yourself to blame for if they stop making that effort.

Your Mum is unreasonable saying "we are done" and I agree with other posters saying you should call her bluff on that.

However on the grandad thing, I think YABU.

With lots of friends with step grandparents, it's common place to have say Granny Alice and Granny Louise to differentiate. Grandad Joe and Grandad Pete would be just as sensible.

My mums parents were divorced, and now my maternal grandparents have passed away, I am still very much in touch with Nanna Nicole and Papa John, even though John only married my Nan five years before she died.

It's not like they've been together under 6 months. I assume they live together and it's a bit unreasonable of you to alienate the man who has built a life with your mum.

I really can't see how not giving a "grandad" title is alienating him!

He's not the grandad. If OP doesn't feel close enough to him to give him the honour of that title in respect of her child, fair enough.

@browneyes77

Where in the OP does it say they made an effort???

All I can see is “he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I”.

So could it be a quiet and shy man who doesn’t know how to break into a very tightly bonded pair of sisters who feel that by giving him a name the same as their dad that it’s disrespectful.

He may feel the same, but talking is the way forward.
Dictating rather than discussing maybe the issue. As I said we discussed a very similar situation and decided we didn’t want our DD to treat him any differently but wanted a slightly different name to explain the difference.
He was overjoyed we wanted him involved and bought him closer to us all.

@Rtruth Try reading her subsequent posts instead of just the first one!!