I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

My family tree is all over the place but I had a grandma who wasn't a grandma and we called her husband uncle. Never questioned it until my teens when I was old enough to understand.

But given your update where he handed your nephew back in favour of his blood grandchild I wouldn't want my child calling him grandad either. YANBU. Sack your mother off if she has form for this sort of thing. It's not worth the stress

They have had a very short relationship, it sounds as though your mum is far keener on him being assimilated into the family than he is. If they split up it would be very confusing to your children. Don't do it.

Four years?? There are plenty of parents on here who have had children after a shorter period! How long is acceptable?

Think about the long term effects - I have been married to my DSD's dad for 20 years, known her since she was 10, been very much involved in her upbringing. When she had a child and decided there was never going to be any grandparent name for me I couldn't have felt more hurt and excluded. It has had a very negative influence on our relationship ever since. It's not so much the name, but being told in no uncertain terms that you're not family and never will be.

Over the last 8 years, I have time and again had to remind myself to back off because I don't have the right DNA to be involved. He's missed out on love and support that would have been freely given. It has also affected my DH's relationship with his GS, although we both love him dearly. So I agree with AngelaAshes, you are being unnecessarily cruel and unwelcoming to your mother's partner and it's not surprising he is having difficulty relating to you, your sister and her child.

My 3 DN call my stepdad pappy, my mum has been married to my stepdad for 10 years so he wasn't always a part of me and DS life but he has always been a part of DN lives

I'm not sure I can get het up about labels, I have two couples (friends) who I refer to as auntie/uncle with regard to DS, they're not and his real aunties and uncles don't seem bothered. You've expressed your wishes, you have little to do with him and you will never refer to him as grandad to your child, so it's unlikely they will use that label anyway. She doesn't sound like she'll change her mind, no point in arguing with a brick wall.

Hold on your nephew spends two days a week with your mother and this man and still isn't allowed to call him grandpa!! This may be CFery. Blood isn't relevant relationships are.

My partner was around from my two children being 6 and 9 years old. He didn't move in until they were much older though.
He never tried to be their dad because they already had one but they became close.
Now, their children call him granddad because my children want them to. My partner never expected them to (but as happy about it) and neither did I expect it.
Your mother has to respect your choice/decision and not put her wants above yours!

I think you're underestimating the power of the statement in this. Had you not said anything and after a few years your mum complained that you don't refer to him as grandad to your kids, I would say she was being fussy and shouldn't be upset. But to go out of your way to say it before the baby is even born, let alone before they're talking, gives the impression that you feel so strongly about him not being family that you want to make an active point of it. I definitely wouldn't threaten non contact, she is being melodramatic, but it would definitely feel like an insult.

The fact he has gone out of his way to say HIS grandchild has arrived shows he has read your message loud and clear. I do think it's quite rich to be offended by him not seeing your nephew as family AFTER your sister had made a point of saying that he wasn't.

@AngelasAshes you really are a twat. You've apply your circumstances to the OPs situation which are hugely different and then insulted her as a result. If you are sensitive about adoption then you may want to read OPs better rather than trying them to make them about a circumstance that just doesn't apply.

This is ridiculous. The man clearly has no interest in the children, they are not his grandchildren and he doesn’t think of them in this way. I doubt he wants them to call him grandpa.

Your mum is trying to force a relationship that isn’t there.

It would confusing for the children to grow up calling is man grandpa when he doesn’t give a flying fig about them. It will also be confusing for this mans actual grandchildren.

He is clearly not going to treat all the children equally, I doubt your son and nephew feature in his will for example (and why should they). So why pretend there is close relationship that doesn’t exist.

Ae18. This man had been on the scene for two years when the nephew was born. there is no way I would bestow this privilege on a new boyfriend. It has life long consequences.

The man is an arse if he is going along with this.

I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why so many people here seem to be struggling to grasp that my sister and I have made decisions about not having our children call him Granddad after four years (three for my sister) of him rejecting our efforts to welcome him into the family - his actions caused reactions, not the other way around. His coldness towards us led to these decisions - he did not stop making an effort after my sister said she didn’t want him to be referred to as granddad, he never made an effort to begin with.

I don't understand why she is through with you and not your dsis being as you both asked the same.
i don't blame you tbh, it's her call, don't back down. if she wants to lose her grandchildren over a title that says a lot about her.

Hopefully she will thaw and you can reach some sort of compromise. I agree with you that it's not up to your mum to decide, it's up to you. I would try not to get too hung up about who makes contact first. It's understandable to insist the other must cave first but it's how minor spats can get pulled into decades-long feuds.

Apologies if I've missed it, I have read the thread, but what does your mum's partner's grandson call your mum? I wonder if she is either desperate to be called Granny by him, and taking it out on you, or is called Granny and feels anything less than Grandad for him in "return" would be mortifying/a massive snub.

People can be thick @Emthebaker.
Just focus on those that have understood your situation and ignore the rest

Apologies, you said in your first post that your sister talked to your mum about this before her son was born the same as you, and that prior to that you hadn't taken his quietness to be malicious.

Still, I personally think you need to be aware of the difference between stating your intentions and simply quietly doing it. It's the same as going up to someone to say "you're not my friend" rather than just never referring to them that way. It feels like you wanted them to know that.

If I was your mum I'd probably feel exasperated it was happening again after already having the conversation with your sister which might explain the overreaction.

That's not to say I think she's 100% right to feel that way, but I can see why feelings were hurt and I don't think you've helped the growing rift by jumping the gun to make a point out of it.

Tbh it sounds like your mum is trying to tie her partner down, and having her children call him grandpa cements the relationship.

She sounds quite selfish.

As a pp pointed out, it would be interesting to know if she is called granny by her boyfriends grandson.

I’d like to just clear up why this conversation has been had now - at our gender reveal we had a book for people to write messages to the baby, my mum and her partner had to leave before getting chance to sign it so when she came to sign it a few days later she asked me whether to sign it from her partner and asked what we’d be calling him, when I said to just sign his name she became very angry and ended up just signing her own name and leaving him out of it completely. I didn’t go out of my way to bring up the point.

For those asking, his grandson calls my mum Nana, but he calls everyone Nana 😂 this does feel a bit different as his daughter’s mum passed away around ten years ago.

@Ginmel thank you! It is reassuring that those who have understood seem to agree

My eldest son has a girlfriend with a 3 year old son. He's been with her for 2 years and I've become grandma mabel. It's no biggy really, just another person who loves her child.

@Emthebaker you are welcome. Don't try to justify yourself to the rest. Save your breathe and energy.

There's no reason not to have multiple grandparents. My kids have three of each. It makes no difference to them whether they are related by blood or not. They are not necessarily closer to the biological ones, and using the name doesn't necessarily mean that they are close to the person. The relationship is built by the person, or not and what they call them makes no difference. If this man already has grandchildren he is already known as grandad so why not let your kids call him that too? He will have been around since birth for them. It's not like this is someone your mum has been with for two weeks.

YNBUR. Both mine and DH parents got divorced when we were kids and they all have partners now, our children just call the Nanna + first name or Grandpa + first name. We get on great with all our parents partners and the children have great bonds with them also.

Ok, you've clearly decided you're definitely right, there's no need to patronise everyone that doesn't agree 100%

I don't really see the point in posting this is you don't want to hear alternate perspectives.

I didn't misunderstand anything you made clear. Your post gave the impression that you brought the subject up, it's only your last comment that's made it clear your mum did. There's not much you can do in that scenario, she put you on the spot.

Still, my opinion is that being too hung up on labels creates a problem when there isn't one and friction where there doesn't need to be, when it doesn't actually make any difference. If the child sees him a lot and has a close relationship with him, they'll think of him as grandad, if they don't, they won't 🤷🏻‍♂️

My Dad has been with his partner for 16 years, and my MIL has been married to her husband for 12 years... they are not granny or grandad they are known by their first names. It hasn't stopped my child having a lovely close bond to either of them and neither of them have been insulted. In fact my MIL has 9 grandchildren all of whom call her husband by his first name.

Ordinarily I'd say you were being a bit silly. Most of us have more than one grandpa, or did at one time. It's not a title for just one person. I had 3 grandmas growing up, having 3 didn't diminish the title for any of them.

That said, your mum is being MORE ridiculous. What a thing to be cutting people off for!