I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

@Rtruth

Here let me help you. The OP said this:
my mum’s partner makes no effort with my sister, myself or my nephew. He has no interest in forging relationships with us, hence why we feel it would not be appropriate for our children to call him Granddad. He has almost entirely ignored my nephew for the past year. We have persistently made efforts to spend time with him and make conversation over the past four years and have been shut down every time

@Rtruth - if you click on the little arrow next to where it says Talk, at the top,of the page, you can customise your MN so the all OP’s posts on a thread are highlighted in whatever colour you choose. You can highlight your own posts too.

That makes it much easier to find the OP’s updates on a lengthy thread.

This is not meant to sound snarky - I hope it helps.

@Toomuchtrouble4me Where I am, it's compulsory to call your teacher/Principal Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss. In fact, the practice is so deeply embedded in first world English speaking western cultures, that it never even occurred to me that there would be schools where the kids can just....address their teachers as their first name. It sounds so rude, improper and disrespectful to me. I mean, if your teacher's name is Ms Jane Smith, do you call her Jane? Pmsl Obviously not. Her name is Ms Smith. That's pretty standard world wide, surely.

Or you can just go Ctrl F and type in the OP's name and find subsequent posts from the OP that way. That is how I do it. It takes you straight to the next post with the OP's name (even if sometimes the posts are other posters saying the OP's name), rather than scrolling through pages.

SaraNade

@Toomuchtrouble4me
Where I am, it's compulsory to call your teacher/Principal Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss. In fact, the practice is so deeply embedded in first world English speaking western cultures, that it never even occurred to me that there would be schools where the kids can just....address their teachers as their first name. It sounds so rude, improper and disrespectful to me. I mean, if your teacher's name is Ms Jane Smith, do you call her Jane? Pmsl Obviously not. Her name is Ms Smith. That's pretty standard world wide, surely

Erm...Yes, kids would call her Jane, because that’s her name! And the head also first name, it’s not that unusual, you’re living in a bubble!
And what about your friends? Do your kids not refer to them by their first names?
I wouldn’t want my friend’s children calling me Mrs X! It’s too 1950’s for most people.

Our “blended “ family set up is that my Dad’s partner is called by her first name by all my kids. She has been in my Dad’s life most of my DC’s lives( having lost my Mum during my first pg and having a generous age gap between DS1 and DD (who is my no 3) I never really thought about calling her anything other than her name and my kids just followed suite. My FIL recently decided he wants to be called by his first name by any GC over the age of 10. My own maternal grandmother decided she was too young to be a GM so none of us were allowed to called her Gran or Nanny so I was perplexed when my school friends found it bizarre that I used her first name. I think YANBU to not necessarily call your DM partner Grandad. My own set up of multi generational biological and non biological “grandparents” prove that at the end of the day it’s the relationship between people that matters not what title you give them.

Thanks @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I had done that previously but looks like on my phone it doesn’t work. Option to add it doesn’t seem to be on phone either so will go back to pc.

Apologises @browneyes77 that’s why I didn’t see the other posts and wrote posts I did.

No problem @Rtruth

Apologies if I came across as bit mardy. Full of cold at the moment and more snappy than usual!

YANBU and your mum is cross because she A) can't bear not to be in control of this situation, B) does not respect your or your sisters feeling regarding her partner (he is her choice not yours) and I strongly suspect she wants the luxury of painting herself a nice fantasy that she dearly wants but doesn't exist in terms of family dynamics.

Her energy would be better spent trying to improve relations rather than bullying you but I suspect this is what your DH means when he refers to patterns of behaviour.

You're upset because she's spiteful and your hormones are shot.

Take a deep breathe, recognize her behaviour and be thankful for the positive relationships in your life... she will be lonlier than you.

You need to stop hankering for a relationship that doesn't exist and concentrate on being a good mother yourself, you will be happier for it.

I don’t see the issue. My DS1 calls his step-dad “dad” and his parents and step-parents “grandad” and “grandma”.

Yes I agree 👍
I re married years before my grandson was born but for some reason my daughter won't let my grandson call him grandad???? And my grandson loves him

ZOMBIE THREAD

Married into a blended family so none of the emotions associated with being the child in this scenario. Probably easier to comment.

My kids have two Grandmas and a Granny Name. Granny Name is Grandad's wife but not Daddy's Mummy. They've understood that from about 2 years old. Neither Grandma is upset by Granny Name having a title.

It takes a village. Pick your battles.

I am a stepgrandmother and my DH is a stepgrandfather. We see a lot of, and are close to (both emotionally and geographically) my children and grandchildren. When my first grandchild was born we made up a name similar to Grandpa for my DH to be called, as there were already two male grandparents.
The situation was different with my stepdaughters and their children. They lived much further away and we only saw them once or twice a year. My DH is much closer to them now than he was before, but I have always felt like a bit of an outsider (partly because of my autism I think) and of course we have never been able to help with the children. I would love to be a grandmother of a sort to my stepgrandchildren, with my own grandmotherly type of name. I have always been too shy to suggest it, but it would mean a lot to me. My eldest stepgrandchild is nearly 14 so it's a bit late to start now.

I understand that you don't want your mother's partner to be called Grandad, or Grandpa, or whatever grandfather name you use, but could be not be called by a similar but different name? One of his own?

Your mum is acting aggressively and is trying to emotionally manipulate you to get her own way. I would say to her that her partner is her choice but a close relationship cannot be forced on you, your sister or your children. I would say her partner is not your child's grandfather and will not be titled as such when baby's actual grandad will be present and taking an active role in their life. If she says she is done, do not get emotional or try to convince her otherwise, just say that it's a shame but is entirely her choice and, as much as you would like her to have a relationship with your child, she's a grown adult so you won't try to force her. I would have this conversation with her with your sister and her partner present so he is aware first hand of your wishes (and your sister can back your opinion up)

What's the deal with the zombie thread resurrection?

Hello I just needed advice from other people who may have been through the same thing I’ve been going through for the past year and a half.
I don’t like my mother in laws partner she’s made rude comments towards me made me feel very unwelcome in there home and hasn’t treated me in the best of ways, so I already had a bad impression of her and I had only been with my partner for 3/4 months. I fell pregnant and straight away my mother in law referred her partner as being called “nana” which I wasn’t okay with, she was being rude with me and saying hurtful things so why should I allow her to have that title to my baby. My partner also agreed with how I felt but didn’t want to say anything, he didn’t want to cause any arguments and put stress on me. As times gone on my baby is nearly 4 months now and we’ve allowed my mother in laws partner to be apart of our daughters life and we’re fine with her holding her or playing with her but we’re still not okay with her being called nanna. My partner decided to actually tell his mum a few months back how he felt how I felt and what we didn’t like, his mum was shocked we felt like that and basically told us it’s not fair to not involve her partner but that’s not what we were trying to do we were actually just saying she can still be apart of her life but not to be referred to as “nana”. So with us telling her how we felt we thought things would change but things only got worse his mum was pushing onto our baby quite a lot that she has two nanas (I know our baby is young and doesn’t understand but it’s not the point when she does understand it’s not fair that’s been pushed onto her) We also kindly asked his mum if she could stop pushing onto our daughter that her partner was her nana (when we didn’t want that) and that we’d allow our daughter to decide when she’s older on her own but until then we do not want it to be pushed onto her that much that she just automatically calls her nana without getting to think about it. He then spoke with his mum again about the situation and said the same thing as last time, and yet again his mum is still calling her partner “nana” and says it to our daughter as well, we honestly do not know what to do about it, some people will say why not just allow it but we don’t want to we’re not keen on the person, she’s very controlling of his mother and doesn’t seem to let her have a good relationship with her grandchild, always has to stick her nose into every conversation that’s had, we can’t send things personally to his mum we have to send it to a group chat so she also can see what’s been said or any photos, she’s just toxic and I just do not like that, as a mum I should be allowed to place boundaries and rules and for people to listen them and follow them but they don’t seem to want to. What worries us more than anything is if my mother in law wants to have our daughter over night or for the day that the whole nana thing is going to get pushed onto her and we’re not going to know about it. Any advice is welcome.

Here is my similar(ish) story and what we did:

My mum remarried 20+ years after my dad died, to a longstanding friend of both my parents. It caused a huge ruckus with lots of unpleasantness from members of both our family and his. It was incredibly cringy and uncomfortable to hear myself referred to as his stepdaughter, even though accurate, and worse when he would sometimes drop the step part. When I was pregnant, they insisted on referring to him as Grandpa. I was was 100% not comfortable with calling him that, and equally determined that he would not replace my dad's role. And this was how I felt about someone I had known from childhood and who was always there for us as a family, and was very keen to be involved. Unlike op's stepdad.

Compromise was that he was referred to by us as "Grampy Joe" (name change) - a form of the grandfather title that we would never, ever actually have used for my dad and that we decided on rather than him, plus his first name. And we weren't always consistent with the Grampy bit out of their earshot either, so ds grew up knowing that we might go to see Nana and Joe / Nana and Grampy Joe. Nana was consistent but his "title" wasn't.

Kept the peace between us and them until he died. But it is a really awkward situation and you have to go with a form that you can bring yourself to use.

Why not, in the interests of good family relations, have a chat directly with him and ask him if he'd like to be grandad, or alternatively - Pop, Gramps or something - or none of the above, and if he says no, sorted and if he says yes, you've opened up positive lines of communication for a new and perhaps slightly closer relationship.

A child can never have too many grandparents.. it doesn't prevent them being closer to some than others, that's normal and fine.

Unless of course he's an actual monster and would have an outright negative effect on your child without doubt. But he's going to be there anyway, as he's with your mother, so maybe try to make the best of it? He might surprise you.