I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

It’s a name, that’s all. It seems a very small hill to die on.

I can't get worked up about this to be honest. I never had the conversation with my parents. My son has nanna (my mum) and grandad (my dad). I call their partners by their names, what they call them to my son when I am not there doesn't bother me. Kids choose names for people anyway.

When i was expecting my eldest 20 years ago now, I hated my mum's new husband who I didn't get on with at all and he is only a few years older than me. I didn't want him to even hold my child and definitely didn't want him to be called grandad even though I didn't have a good relationship.

My mum was upset over it and eventually I compromised on him being called Pops. They have now been married over 20 years and he is Pops to all grandchildren.

Children can have many grandparents and will have a different relationship with each one no matter what they are called but it can feel very excluding to not be given a "title" rather than just their name. We tolerate each other for sake of my mum and I know as I have grown up realised it was the right thing to do to give him a title.

Meh I was all set to say you are being a bit unreasonable (in that you're taking it too seriously) before I saw her response, now I think you're both taking it too seriously.

I think a lot of upset over nothing comes when people are too obsessed with what certain people are called.

My maternal grandparents were divorced and both remarried, and I did refer to them as "nanny and x" rather than grandad, but I don't remember any tension or suggestion that I HAD to call my grandma's husband anything in particular. I just called him by his first name because my mum did. I can't imagine she'd have been the slightest bit bothered if I'd called him grandad, but as it was I just copied what I'd heard. I didn't really devote any time to being bothered about who was and wasn't my real grandad, I just liked the people I had more of a relationship with more.

Kids will call adults what they will, either because they are making sense of the role someone plays and X is acting like a grandad so surely that's what they are, or because they are copying what adults say. I honestly think that being too hung up on titles is unnecessarily confusing and antagonistic for kids who aren't really that bothered.

You can see the unnecessary drama it causes from your mums reaction. Pointedly bringing it up with your mum probably got her back up because she took your strong feelings on the matter to suggest you haven't accepted her partner, but she did overreact.

It'll evolve naturally once the kids have their say in it to be honest. My mum's partner I call by his first name, she married him when I was already an adult - but my kids call him Grandad (well usually Gwandaaaaaad when they're shamelessly wrapping him around their little fingers to do something) and he adores them. My family have a very flexible attitude to "family members" though - we have picked up various people along the road who are pretty much part of the family although not at all blood related - my mum acquired a lady who arrived here seeking asylum and now refers to my mum as her "England mother" and my kids refer to as an auntie and the like. To the kids he's the man who is married to nanna = grandad - they know the rough outline that he's not mum's father as nanna married him when mum was grown up - but they absolutely adore him and he's very involved in their lives.

I think you're being weird, tbh. If he actually wants to be involved with the dc and is a decent guy, he could be a lovely extra honorary grandparent.

My stepdad and I didn't get on really, but he was a nice "grandad" to my children. My ex's parents were both divorced and remarried, so my dc ended up with several sets of grandparents.

I think it's unkind to be a bit precious about who gets the title of grandparent and deliberately exclude your mum's life partner.

As someone else mentioned why not encourage Grandpa X, whatever his name is?
Also I think your mum is upset for your stepdad and over-reacted a little.

Let your little one have all the love they can get from family, after all what’s in a name?

Actually, I think YABU. This man may be the love of her life, could be around for another 20 years at least and you're clearly not interested in him.

But none of this is relevant to the fact that he’s not the child’s grandfather. He has a grandfather who is going to be part of his life. The OP wants to make it clear to her child who that is. It’s her mother who’s being unreasonable and downright obnoxious. I’d find ‘We are done’ childish from a teenager, never mind a woman old enough to be a grandmother.

OP - you will get a lot of responses telling you ‘It’s not about you, it’s about your child; they may see him as grandad’ etc. Personally I think that’s nonsense. Kids accept the normal they grow up with. My niece is 7 and doesn’t seem to have questioned that her maternal grandparents live together but her paternal ones don’t. Likewise, she sees nothing odd in the fact that her other auntie is married with children and I’m not. If your child is told ‘This is grandma and this is John’, that will be what they accept.

your DC may eventually even grow closer to him than your dad if they see him more often. What would you do then?
Still call him by his first name, like every family I know in this situation do?

It is clear that this has become a flashpoint for both of you that is about more than just calling mum's partner grandad - that is far more emotional than practical/ rational/ proportionate on anybody's side.

Anything baby related has I found had the ability to escalate from a storm in a tea cup to epic proportions ( we had a similar one about grandparents posting on facebook)

In my childhood I called several of my friends parents who lived near me grandad . I have some friends who call everybody around them aunty / uncle including distant cousins and family friends.

Strong minded people tend to have strong minded children who also all take things to heart and say things in the heat of the moment.

your child is unlikely to be confused about the difference between mums partner and your dad especially not in today's times of blended families. Children know quite quickly which relatives and friends are interested.

You could choose to make this a hard line and go no/ low contact between you.

You could discuss a compromise - either uncle or one grandad and one grand pa/ gramps

You could text your mum you love her very much and you are fond of her partner. and say you want to have a chat about it to find a workable compromise and then leave the ball in her court when everyone has calmed down a bit.

Let your little one have all the love they can get from family, after all what’s in a name?

Then surely the mother can get over it and accept that her partner is going to be John/Steve/Bob rather than Grandad?

Thank you everyone for your responses - some have been really helpful! I feel I maybe should have clarified in my original post that my mum’s partner shows no interest whatsoever in my nephew, there was even one occasion where my mum insisted on him holding my nephew and then his own daughter and grandson pulled up outside the house and he handed my nephew back to my sister saying ‘my grandson’s here now’ and left the room.

Based off the fact that I have seen his interactions with my nephew for the past 11 months, I have no reason to think he’ll be interested in forming any kind of relationship with my son.

I agree with Display, you're looking at this from your point of view and not the child's. I can understand your feelings but this is someone who is going to be around all the time for your child and they will think of him as a grandparent no matter what title you call them. You say you barely know him, but there is a chance your child will know them their entire life.

There are so many different "grandfather" type names to choose from that aren't actually "grandad" . I quite like the US one Poppop but that is because I have a serious Life in Pieces addiction.

Make a list of the ones you would find acceptable and send them to your mother/her partner and ask him to choose one. You say he is reasonable, he is already a grandad through his own children so is probably not hung up on the grandad name . I hope you can find a solution.

Your mother is being unreasonable, if I was cynical (moi?) I would wonder if her relationship was feeling a bit insecure and this was her way of regularising it and anchoring her partner.

Call her bluff, let her come and apologise. She’s being hugely unreasonable and controlling.

Your baby, your decision. It's not like the man is looking to forge a grandfatherly relationship with your child anyway. Ignore your Mum's emotional bkackmail, if she's prepared to go NC with her child & grandchild just because she's not getting her own way she's proving herself unworthy of the role anyway.

She's being ridiculous. He clearly doesn't even want to be called Grandad.

there was even one occasion where my mum insisted on him holding my nephew and then his own daughter and grandson pulled up outside the house and he handed my nephew back to my sister saying ‘my grandson’s here now’ and left the room.

Have you considered that this might be because of the fuss your sister made about the name thing? It's obviously "a thing" in their household if your mum feels the need to undermine her daughter and argue it. He may be irritated that people have gone out of their way to exclude him or taken it as a cue to stay out of the way, this could have been a deliberate dig.

There are clearly divides in who can and can't be considered family and starting out with that request about the names won't have helped. You can't really blame him for not seeing your nephew as family when your sister went out of her way to declare that he wasn't.

This sort of thing is why I feel like quibbling over names just causes drama.

I'm a grandmother - and divorced / remarried. My grandchildren consider themselves lucky, as they have 6 grandparents ! They have the paternal parents , me and my husband, and my ex and his partner. Our names are Grandma, Grandad, Poppy, Nana, Nanny and Da. The children have no idea of who is married or divorced - none of that matters. All that matters is that they have six people who adore them.

I'd say , "pick your battles" . This is one of those things which can become a big deal, or a big nothing, depending on how you approach it. Your children will just know that they have some nice grandparents who love them - if you make a big thing of what they are called, you might end up with a fractured family where the kids miss out on their grandparent's love because of a silly fight about names.

Similar situation here, my kids have Nanny, Grandad (my folks), Nanna Biscuits and GrandTom (MIL and her partner) and Grandad and Nanna (FIL and his partner). She also has Nanna Sharon, who is my neice's Nan on her dad's side who my kids love.

I'm firmly of the belief that the more people who want to love my child the better so when FIL's partner asked to be called Nanna I agreed even though it chafed because I'm not a fan of her. It's not up to me to limit a potentially valuable familial relationship.

Meanwhile MIL's partner asked not to be called grandad, so GrandTom was a sarky nickname that stuck 😂 perhaps you could do similar? Your mum's partner could be Grandad, Pops, Gramps, Grumps... Whatever?

Do you feel that calling someone else by his title is somehow going to hurt your father OP?

Can you ask your mum's partner what he'd like to be called? This is obviously your DM's issue, and she can't see that her partner isn't that interested.
Congratulations btw!

Your mum sounds manipulative, and it sounds like your partner has the measure of her entirely too.

I’d leave her to it, she’ll be the one who misses out. Your son will have plenty of other (non toxic) people to love him. One of my grans was toxic and I had nothing to do with her and don’t feel I missed out at all.

Children can cope with a myriad of Aunties and Uncles without any problem at all. Once they get old enough, they will start to understand that some of them are only Aunties or Uncles by marriage etc. But I do understand that you feel strongly about it, and technically there can only be two blood grandads.

Your mum's feelings about this are no more important than yours.

Why don't you ask him outright if he would be happy with being Grandpa Fred or Pops or something else like that?

PS my step father was the nastiest man you could ever hope to meet, mean, spiteful, self centred, God knows what she saw in him (luckily realised this on her death bed but that's another story). The point is my DD adored him, and he her. It was I think the only genuine unconditional love relationship he ever had in his life, even with his own children. I couldn't bear seeing them together, but bit my tongue because she didn't have another grandfather figure in her life , I would not have wanted her to miss out on the few years that she had of that relationship, even though it stuck in my craw. Sometimes these things just happen, relationships click, and you can't always account for them.