I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

My DHs parents are divorced, have been since he was 16.

When we had DD1 (forst grandchild) he mad wit clear that their partners would be known by their first names. The divorce was okay and both pmay active roles in their children's lives.

My Mil did try and push it, suggesting we could use the word grandad but in a foreign language. Just said no and she gave up.

I have to disclose I’m a bit sensitive to this as my family has adopted members in it. We view all in laws on par with adopting. They are not lesser relatives or lesser family member states because we do not share DNA.

@AngelasAshes if you have read everything I have written and still come to the conclusion that ‘You’ve just made it plainly obvious you do not want to know him better or let him have any relationship with his stepgrandson.’ then I’m unsure if you’ve understood what I’ve said or maybe I have been unclear. I’ve never mentioned anything about blood relatives either - that is absolutely not my concern. I did say, if my mum’s partner had any kind of relationship with myself or my partner or if I had any reason to think he may have a relationship with my son I would possibly feel differently. You and I evidently have very different stand points here, have a nice day

When my DD had her first child, her father, my exdh, announced that his new wife to be would be known as 'Nan' as he knew I was Grandma. My DD was horrified as she'd only met the woman once but didn't like to rock the boat by saying anything. It then turned out that 'Nan' only once saw the little one and neither have visited since ( he's now 6!} so it never became an issue. I've noticed that Birthday and Christmas cards and gifts are signed from Grandpa and Susan so I think she realised it wasn't appropriate.
I will say though that I think it makes a difference if the People involved are married. If it's a few months relationship it's absolutely not on for a person to have the Grandparent title, if they're a long term married couple I'd expect them to both have the title

@Emthebaker - I think that the suggestions to find an alternative that you are happy with, are very sensible. That way, when you talk to your mum, you can make it a positive discussion - instead of saying "I don't want your partner called Grandad", you are saying "I'd like him to be called Pops (or Gramps or whatever)", so she will feel you are acknowledging him as part of your mum's life, and that he will be a part of the baby's life - but not Grandad, because that title belongs to your dad.

My mother is like yours. The first time I met her H was when I flew across the world to support her in their marriage. I was pregnant and she was talking about him being grandad then. He told her he thought I was spoilt. This person that i’d literally just met. I did talk to her and say how about Poppa (his name) and though that was the end of it. They came to visit us when DC1 was born and she’d brought gifts and written the card from grandma and grandad. The 2nd time i’d met the man. She refused to see my point of view and tried to push him on me as a stepfather, white washing her life again and pushing my adoptive dad out of the picture. It was a long line of her way or the highway.

We went NC shortly after and I’ve not regretted it a day.

@AngelasAshes I genuinely see where you're coming from in relation to young children, whose relationships with the adults in their family will colour and set the tone for the remainder of their lives. To suggest they are less of a family member because they don't share DNA would be unforgivable, as would any suggestion that their parents are not their 'real' parents (especially in a family which also contains biologically-related children). An adopted son or daughter is a son or daughter; no questions, no disclaimers.

Family elders - people who are old enough to know better - are another matter entirely. What I see here is one grandmother trying to 'empire build', the possibility of the OP's father's nose being put out of joint, OP as mother being between a rock and a hard place, DM's DP apparently not giving a stuff either way: all manner of adult-based angst that pays scant attention to the wellbeing of the child.

Referring to grandparents' DPs by their given names does not preclude children from having very positive relationships with them. What it does, from the child's POV, is makes it clear who the grandparents are, shows that the nuclear family isn't necessarily the given norm, that marriages can and do break down, and new partnerships can be formed amicably between adults with a positive outcome for all concerned. It's obvious OP's DM doesn't have such an objective in mind.

As a mother, I'd prioritize my unborn child's needs over my DM's hurt feelings if need be. I'd be equally determined that any insecurities she had about her relationship with her DP would not become my DC's problem.

Done we are then, and leave her too it.

Thank you to everyone who is offering such thoughtful, constructive advice, I really appreciate it and am taking it all in. As my mum is not speaking to me over this, I’m waiting for her to calm down and get in touch before we discuss any kind of potential compromise. I did tell her when we had the conversation that it wasn’t anything personal against her or her partner and I do hope she comes around, but I agree with everyone who has pointed out that the issue is not the title itself, but my mum and the emotionally manipulative way she has reacted.

I’m disappointed that it’s become such a big issue, especially as I suspect her partner is not bothered about being ‘Granddad’ and I’m sure she’d be devastated if my dad’s partner wanted to be ‘Nana’.

Some have asked what I would do if my son had a very close relationship with my mum’s partner - I’d be thrilled honestly! The more love, the better! Sadly, I don’t think that will be the case, judging from his relationship with my nephew. I certainly don’t dislike her partner though, I’ve said a couple of times that I think he’s just quiet, but not a bad person. I just hope everything works itself out in time for my lovely little bundle to arrive

You're right to wait it out OP. Your mum has prioritised her partner over her relationship with you. I think she needs to realise you won't come running this time.
Out of interest, how did this pan out between your mum and your sister after your sister told her the same thing?

Second marriage for both of us here, plus my husband's ex has married again. Due to very fortunate circumstances, the grandchildren on DH 's side have got a full set of great grandparents, so all in all there's millions of them! The children all refer to them as nanny jane, granddad jane, grandma yellow, granddad yellow etc, never a problem. I said when first grandchildren came along their natural family should have first dibs on what name they wanted, I'd be happy to be called anything! They call me grandma, and all subsequent children on both sides call me that. Your mum is being a bit silly, cutting her nose off to spite her face.

If its not your place to say what your child calls him who's is it? You are the mother. Tell her you do not know him and you do not call this man dad. Grandad is the term for the father of your parent. He is not your parent. My kids call my stepdad grandad and I call him by his name. But he has been in my life since I was 14 and they have been married 15 years. I also lived at home with them yet my brother did not. My brothers children call him by name when they visit I think but that is his choice because he doesn't know him as well as me living a long way from us.

We're having the same problem (and we don't have children and I'm not even pregnant).

MIL has brought up about wanting grandchildren and that her partner of four years will be called Grandad but my FIL's wife has to be called by her name.

I hadn't even considered or thought about any of this and we're not even close to having children and it's become a problem. We told her that everything's going to be fair. I've thought about it more since she brought it up and I think our parents are going to be called Grandma and Grandad or whatever they want and the partners are going to be called by their names.

I personally grew up with step grandparents and they were always known by their first name and it never stopped me thinking of them in that way and loving them to pieces.

DC here call my Mum's DH "Papa" which I love. He's been around since they were born, and has been a lovely part of their lives, though, so obviously it's a different relationship.

I think if you give in to anyone who blackmails you emotionally you run the risk of it happening over and over again. At some point your Mum will need to know that your child belongs to you and that your decisions are inflexible where your DC are concerned. I adore the bones of my Mum and we have a lovely relationship, but she wouldn't dream of challenging me over my DC because she knows it would be overstepping. At some point your Mum is going to have to learn not to overstep.

YANBU My dad is grandad and my fil is known by his name, and he is a blood relative. If you were close, then fair enough, if he was interested in you and your sister, fair enough, but as he is not, then I'd say no.

@Butterymuffin she also argued with my sister, but they agreed to let my nephew decide what to call him. My mum didn’t have such a strong reaction with my sister, I think because she always knew that she’d be looking after my nephew two days a week when my sister returned to work and so she’d have time alone with him to call her partner whatever she wanted. This isn’t the case for me as my partner and I work opposite shifts and are planning on putting our baby in nursery a couple of days a week (an option which isn’t financially viable for my sister), so I think part of my mum’s extreme reaction possibly stems from the fact that she won’t get that same amount of alone time with my little one where she can just go against my wishes in the way we suspect she does with my sister and nephew. I hope that makes sense!

Yes it does. And what it shows is that as pp have said, you hold all the cards here, which is why your mum has created drama. It's her only way to impose her wishes on you. But if you wait it out, she will realise it hasn't worked and she'll have to back off from making demands if she wants to see her new grandchild. Be patient, calm but firm.

It absolutely is your place to dictate. Your son, your decision.

If your mother decides that she doesn't like that and no longer wants to be a part of you/your sons life then that's her decision but she's only hurting herself. It'll be her that's missing out.

My eldest DD calls my DH by his first name, we met when she was 6. She only ever called his mother by her first name too. However, to her son, my grandson, she refers to my DH, her own father and her FIL as grandad, me, her MIL and her father's partner as grandma. That's because all six of us have been in his life since before he was born. Probably when he's a bit older he may refer to each of the grandparents by grandma/grandpa followed by their first name.
My DH didn't express a preference over what he should be called, and I would have been absolutely fine with him being called by his first name rather than grandpa.
Op, in your mothers eyes, her partner is equal in role to that of grandpa. By you refusing to allow him to be called Grandpa you're saying to your mum that he doesn't belong as part of the family. That's quite sad really.
BTW, none of my father's grandchildren (all 10 of them) referred to him as grandpa. He had a nickname that they all used. It didn't mean he was any less important, in fact he was a major influence in all their lives whilst he was alive. The name / title given isn't important. The relationship is.

They have a grandad and they dont need to call one who isn't their grandad,"grandad", just to please your mother.

He is your mothers partner not their grandad. YANBU at all, your mother is

YANBU at all. I had a similar dilemma with my Nan's partner and my son.

My son calls my Nan 'Nan' although he gets that she is his great Nan but I have always referred to her partner by his first name and taught my son the same (my son is 5).

My Grandad (Nan's husband) died when I was 4 and there is no way in Earth I would be calling anyone else Grandad - those shoes can't be filled and that's why I don't want my son calling Nan's partner Grandad - because he isn't.

My sister has taken to referring to Nan's partner as Grandad and her two sons do the same - as petty as it might sound it actually upsets me quite a lot. I seethe every time I hear it. Fair enough my sister wasn't born when our Grandad died but she still knows about him. I also know it would upset our mum if she knew

So, I would just use your mum's partners name and teach your child the same - they have Grandma and

Your mum sounds toxic. Do you really want to expose your child to such a manipulative cow?

Why not take this golden opportunity she has presented you with and cut her out of your life now.

My grandparents were divorced and we called granny's husband Uncle John.
We had a grandad so would never have thought if calling John grandad.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. He is Grandad to my youngest daughter's kids, since the eldest, aged 5, said "Can I call you Grandad?" My other grandchildren call him by his first name. Either is fine by us. They are all affectionate towards him and treat him as a Grandad, whatever they call him. Could I suggest that you think of a Grandad type name that your child can call your Mum's partner? Pops? Grumpy? That might heal the rift between you before it gets worse.

My gran had only been with my grandad (her second partner, now husband) for around 4 years when I was born. I called him grandad and still do, and my actual biological grandad is also called grandad. Although My mum viewed him as the ‘new’ partner at the time, she realised he would likely be a big part of my life. She now would refer to him as her stepdad as I am an adult. He has been around since I was born and has been a grandfather figure, so of course I call him grandad.