I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

Step families are so difficult. My dads wife asked to be called grandma by my kids. I was fine with that (we fell out after second dc was born which was before first dc had even started talking so it never happened).

However my mum wanted similar for her DH. The difference is they live on the other side of the world. Her DH has been over 3 times I think - my DC's have really only met him once. I don't feel comfortable them calling him grandfather name but I let her refer to him as that and I refer to him by his name.

I've just asked my 11 year old what he calls Nama's husband and he said he doesn't even know. It's not grandad.... probably Name.

I would agree a nickname like 'pops' or something that is affectionate and special but not grandad.

However I call my step grandparents grandma/grandpa

I haven;t read the whole thread but here's my twopennorth!

DS is three, DM had been with her new partner for two years and had newly moved in with him when DS was born. She made it very clear that she wanted him to be called Grandad. My actual father was still alive (died in Feb this year) but we were estranged so I didn't have any feelings about making him feel bad IYSWIM?

As it turned out, I've ended up referring to him as Grandad First Name purely to please my mother. The man means nothing to me and I see him, at best, twice a year. My brother has an 8 month old daughter and, by proxy, my mum's boyfriend is also referred to as Grandad X by him and his family now, too.

It doesn't entirely sit well with me, I do think it is odd. I don't think of this man as my step father and he isn't DS' biological grandfather... BUT DP doesn't know who his bio dad is either, as his DM got pregnant on purpose and, on purpose, did it by herself without informing the birth father. She married when DP was 2 and that man adopted DP, so is his legal father, but not his bio one. There was never any question about DS referring to him as Grandad.

Swings and roundabouts, I suppose. There will be (IME) many other arguments to come concerning GPs and your DC, so I'd be tempted to just do as they ask. Having said that, DS generally refers to DP's parents by their first names anyway, despite us calling them Granny B and Grandad C from the very beginning, so your DC might well call them whatever they like!!

WOW. I think what you've done here is horrid. You are only half way through the pregnancy, and you've already taken your Mum to one side, to tell her that her Partner will never be called Grandad? I would be gobsmacked if my daughter did that to me. And I'd be really upset, that of all the things you could be thinking about, with regards to this baby, that this is taking up your head space.

How would you feel, if your Mum's Partner took you to one side and said "Just so you know, that baby you're carrying will never be my Grandson" ?? Would you feel shit? I bet you would. And it's effectively what you've done in reverse to your Mum and her Partner.

I agree with you OP and not just from your point of view, also from your mother's partner's point of view. When my husband's daughter was pregnant, she asked if I would like to be called Nanny by the child! I vehemently said no - the child is not my grandchild and I would hate to be called Nanny anyway! Has anybody asked him if he wants to be called Granddad? First names are correct for anyone who is not a blood relative.

My mums husband is not my step dad, but hes a wonderful man who has made the effort to know my husband and I, and adores my kids. He is papa first name.
My dads partner is lovely but they aren’t married. She goes by her name.

For me, it’s all about the relationship I have with my parents partners.

You are not being unreasonable that you don’t want him to have a special name, but you are a little in that him having one takes away from your dad. I wonder if you’d feel the same way if you did like him?

You mom is acting like a child. Let her be done. You are your child’s parent, you get to make the choices

Can’t you just find a different name to call him instead of grandad and grandpa?
He could be called pops or popssteve or papa Steve. Surely there’s a compromise to be had? You sound like you don’t like him very much.

I don’t agree with you there OP.
What if the situation were reversed and your mum refused to call a stepchild of yours “grandson” on the ground of no shared DNA and the fact “it’s only been 4yrs.”
Her partner could likely be as involved as any grandparent in you child’s life. You don’t know what next 18yrs will hold.

@Nanny0gg why would it matter what he is to OPs mother? He hasn’t made any effort with OP and probably won’t make any effort with OPs child either.

I agree with you OP, I'd just tell my child to call him his first name.If hes nothing to you then hes not going to be very involved with your child is he?

I think it depends on your relationship really. My stepdad is my daughter's Grandpa Firstname. He's been in our lives for 10+ years and does a huge amount for my DP and I, and he dotes on my DD. So I don't believe that only blood relatives can be called Grandpa or Grandma.

But if he's not involved in your lives, then it seems a bit weird and I'd just stick with using his first name. But I don't think I'd make it a hill to die on.

Way to make sure your mums partner feels very unwelcome and not a family member! Good on you! You’ve just made it plainly obvious you do not want to know him better or let him have any relationship with his stepgrandson.

How long have you been with YOUR partner? How many years did he have to log before your sister deigned to recognise him as a BIL?

@AngelasAshes if you had read other posts on this thread, I have actually stated that my mum’s partner makes no effort with my sister, myself or my nephew. He has no interest in forging relationships with us, hence why we feel it would not be appropriate for our children to call him Granddad. He has almost entirely ignored my nephew for the past year. We have persistently made efforts to spend time with him and make conversation over the past four years and have been shut down every time. I have nothing against him, I did state in my original post that I think he is simply quiet. I just don’t feel that it is appropriate for my child to call him Granddad or for my mum to try to make that decision on my behalf. To clarify, I did not go out of my way to let them know about this, the question of what he would be called was raised by my mother and I simply told her my decision.

My son has 2 grandads and 3 nanny's. Because his stepnanny does so much for him. We call her "nanny -" and use her first name. He loves her to pieces. But of I or dh didn't get on with her and she wasn't like that the no way would we call her nanny. It's you call, not your mums.

WOW. I think what you've done here is horrid. You are only half way through the pregnancy, and you've already taken your Mum to one side, to tell her that her Partner will never be called Grandad? I would be gobsmacked if my daughter did that to me. And I'd be really upset, that of all the things you could be thinking about, with regards to this baby, that this is taking up your head space.

‘Horrid’? ‘Gobsmacked’? Massively overdramatic. The OP simply doesn’t want someone who makes little effort to get to know her to be given a title that puts him on a par with her biological father.

I agree with most posters that it's totally up to you.

But I also very much see @DisplayPurposesOnly 's point in saying it won't be what your child sees.

Parents on both sides are divorced for us. His mum, my mum and has dad all have new partners. Apart from his dad's partner (mutual choice) they get called papa /grandpa and granny/gran. For us it works great and noone feels upset or left out.

I didn't know anything about my partners mum's bf until I had the wee one. Now we have a great relationship. Having a baby seems to have brought everyone together, and it's definitely worked for us.

As I mentioned though, it's your choice at the end of the day and if your mum wants to try and blackmail you, then tell her to do one.

Your mum sounds really unkind to put it mildly. It's your decision what your son calls your stepdad. Please don't let her blackmail you into getting her own way!

How long have you been with YOUR partner? How many years did he have to log before your sister deigned to recognise him as a BIL?

This isn’t comparable. In-laws are just that - people you are related to by law. A comparable situation would be the OP throwing a strop because her sister didn’t consider her partner a ‘brother’.

I'd be inclined to duck it for now and let things evolve and find their own level. It will be a year or two before your baby is talking. As PPs have said, children often come up with their own pet names for relatives, which stick and replace the "official" ones, in which case problem solved. You (and your mum and her partner) will also see what relationship he and your child have with each other and judge what feels right in light of that. It's all a bit theoretical at the moment (and probably more loaded for that).

My parents divorced decades ago and my father has remarried. I was adamant before DS was born that she would never be anything other than Firstname, or Auntie Firstname. But once DS was here, "Granny" grew on us all. If closeness doesn't develop, you can steer things in the Uncle or Firstname direction?

I had an extra "Grandma and Grandad" growing up, in my case a couple of my grandparents' generation who were very close family friends and in other circumstances (parents not religions, wasn't christened) would probably have been godparents instead. There was never any confusion in my mind about the family relationships, I just felt lucky to have some extra honorary grandparents.

YANBU, especially as biological grandad is still alive and he is a relatively new partner. I called my grandad's wife by her first name.

If he's made no effort with you and your sister or your nephew then he doesn't deserve to be called Grandad.

Did your Mother fall out with your Sister when she told her she didn't want him to be referred to as Grandad?

@Emthebaker
I read the other posts too. I just disagree with you. Family is family. There is no requirement that they make special efforts towards you in order to be recognised as family. I think it is petty and hurtful and exclusionary.
You are actively causing and perpetuating a family rift. You don’t need to call constant attention to the fact that this grandad is not your father by refusing to let your kid address his stepgrandad as grandad. It’s pathetic the whole “not a blood relative” thing.

we just call them different things so we have a grandma and grandpa, a gran and grandad and a nanna and gramps.

We let the blood relatives have a say in choosing, only "nanna" and "grandma" were bothered and fortunately chose different things

"gran" and "gramps" are both "step" relationships.

You’ve just made it plainly obvious you do not want to know him better or let him have any relationship with his stepgrandson.

IMO, to infer this simply from a desire that DM's DP be referred to as his given name is really stretching it. It also seems OP's DM is trying to force a relationship against the inclination of her own DP. She would probably do well to bear in mind that wise old adage: 'relationships are like farts. If you have to force them, they're probably crap'.

My Mil's husband is always addressed as his given name by our DC.
He's a great bloke and - this is a view I've never voiced openly, especially to my DH - I like him better than the rest of my in-laws put together. Addressing him by his given name does nothing to detract from that, and quite likely wouldn't even be his preference. He gets along famously with our DC when they meet, but he has his own DC and grandchildren who take priority in his life and rightly so. I would never, and have never, had any expectations to the contrary.

OP is not the one throwing her rattle down like a child and saying 'we're done', nor is she the one trying to dictate the terms on which this particular relationship will play out; a decision that should rightfully remain with the child's parents.

OP hasn't chosen to die on this particular hill. Her DM has.