I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

[Emthebaker]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here, this is my first pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks + 6 days as of posting this) so please be nice! I really need some advice if anyone can help.

My mum has been with her partner for 4 years, he’s a quiet man who doesn’t make any particular effort to get to know my sister and I - which is fine! - and he has a daughter and grandson of his own. My sister also has an 11 month old son (the apple of my eye!) and my sister has told my mum since before her son was born that she did not want my mum’s partner to be called Granddad. We suspect that my mum is referring to her partner as Granddad when my sister and I are not there, but have no proof.

Now it’s my turn to have this difficult conversation with my mum - who I have a fairly strained relationship with anyway - and she’s become very angry. My dad is still a very active part of my life and will be an active part of my son’s life, so I would feel that it was disrespectful to him for my son to be calling a man I barely know Granddad, too. I may feel differently if my mum’s partner had been around for my whole life and I saw him as a father figure, but this is not the case. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.

I know this is super long and rambling, I’m sorry about that, but I really just want opinions on whether I should back down? How do any of you deal with ‘blended families’?

Thank you 😊

Oh dear, @Emthebaker - there is so much more going on besides the main point of your post, isnt there?

I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and asked her to respect my decision, but she has told me it’s not my place to dictate to her and said if my decision is final then ‘we are done’ and she has not spoken to me since.

Not your place, to decide for your own baby?!
Your mum is prepared to not speak to you over such a minor issue?
She is a controlling, manipulative, selfish piece of work ...

However -
Is it worth all this aggro just over what name your baby is going to end up calling DM's DP?
It's complicated with blended families. My GD has 3 grandmothers. She (ie my daughter decided for her) calls us 'Grandma Anne, Grandma Betty, Grandma Carol'.
That way, nobody gets precedence, & nobody gets confused.

Of course you are going to want to honour your dad's involvement in your baby's life by calling him Grandad. I suspect your mum's insistence that HER DP gets the title is far more to do with rivalry & showing her ex-DH who's boss.
But could you compromise by calling mum's DP eg "Grandad Joe"?

I'm not recommending that you lie down & let your mum walk all over you (which, reading between the lines, sounds like par for the course from her). But I am suggesting that you might not want to choose THIS particular hill to die on. There will be battles aplenty to choose from as your overbearing mother adjusts to the fact that YOU are the mother now, & attempts to take over in various ways. I'd really save your thunder for then.

Conversely, you could decide that this is your line in the sand, she doesn't get to dictate to you, or make her DP who makes little effort with you "Grandad" ahead of your own dear dad.
The trouble is, at some point she is going to pull her emotional blackmail stunt again & threaten to not speak to you unless she gets her own way, so - I am so upset as I obviously want her to be a part of my little boy’s life. - I think THIS is where you should be focused, not some daft row over who gets to be called what by a baby who isn't even here yet.
You may find yourself in the not-too distant future needing to call her bluff, or be controlled by her forever. Your finance has obviously go tthe measure of your mum: To make matters worse, my fiancé doesn’t understand why I am so upset and feels I should have seen this coming due to my mum’s previous pattern of behaviour.
& I think you should absolutely prioritise a long talk - many long talks! - about this with him.

It's easier to spot the pattern from the outside, & the one on the inside can be drowned in a wave of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt - google it!) & unable to navigate away from the FOG-creating relative.
Try thanking your fiance for his insight, & asking him how he would have tackled it differently. It's no use him saying "I told you so" - he needs to get on board & support you 100% in presenting a united front to your emotionally blackmailing mother.

The name issue is so unimportant. Her rejecting you for her fiancé is fucking trash. Tell her that so she knows what she’s doing to her blood.

I think you and your sister should come up with a compromise name you are happy with.

My FIL married again after my MIL died. They are Dutch, Grandma is Oma in Dutcn. My SIL was adamant that the new wife was not going to be Oma.
But we had to find something.
In Holland, many older people are known as Oma Smith as a sign of respect. Teh distinction between Oma and Oma Smith is subtle, but was enough for my SIL, so new wife became Oma Smith, and everyone was happy.

there are lots of names you could choose, which are variations on Ganddad without being Grandad. That would give him some status as Granny's partner without giving him status as grandad

YANBU.

My DM’s partner is known to the whole family as ‘Bob’, and everyone knows where they stand. He is a good bloke, and we all get on fine with him, but he isn’t anyone’s father or grandfather and nobody pretends he is.

I really think in this case that it's your child, your choice.
He doesn't need to be called anything other than his name and if your mother is going to throw a strop over it then that's down to her.
Daft.

I'm a step grandmother. I've been in DSD's life since she was 6 and we're very close. I assumed she and her DP would decide what to call me. And they did. I'm Grandma P, for my initial.

It would have seemed very rude and arrogant to demand a particular title. It was for the parents to decide. My DSGC already have two DGMs who are blood relations. They're Granny and Nanny.

Your DM is taking decisions that are not hers to make. If she's making batshit threats that's all the more reason to stand your ground. YADNBU.

it is totally your decision i feel, and you dont need to make it yet, your lo is not born yet.
you could chose your own name, pop, or whatever you choose. there is no discussion needed with your mum.
i would shelve it and not discuss it with her.

My father tried to get us to refer to his second wife as Grandma, not a chance!! It doesn’t mean that she couldn’t be a special person in DD’s life (she’s not really a special person, she’s a bit of a cold fish) and she is definitely not Grandma and that’s that. Any attempt to push the issue and I would have cut DF off, he was a pretty crap dad himself but now I hold all the cards, I have DD, and if he wants to see her he has to go through me.

My DD had the greatest Grandma in the world, my mum, sadly she died when DD was 4 but that didn’t make my stepmum Grandma.

I’m not quite clear how your mum seems to have reached some kind of accommodation with your sister on the issue but is being so dogmatic with you, sorry if I have missed that, but you are definitely not being unreasonable, your mum sounds a right piece of work. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy.

I don’t know anyone in real life who doesn’t call their step grandparents grandma etc. Can’t have too many ‘parents’ in a child’s life imo!

You're not being unreasonable, your mum's partner is not your child's grandfather and he knows it. Maybe have a conversation with the guy along the lines of, "What shall my (son or daughter) call you?" and think of a nickname that incorporates his own first name. That would be nice and friendly!

My grandma's partner was in my life from the day I was born, but he wasn't grandad. He was Uncle S. That was just what we called him and we never questioned 'why isn't he grandad?' etc. He was what we were told he was.

It's really not an issue. It's how people behave, not what you call them. Your mum can't insist you call anyone anything. Her isistance tells me that her relationship may not be as secure as she'd like and she's almost trying to jemmy her partner into having a position in everyone's lives in order to keep him happy.

Your mums boyfriend is simply that. They are not related in anyway.

They have had a very short relationship, it sounds as though your mum is far keener on him being assimilated into the family than he is. If they split up it would be very confusing to your children. Don't do it.

If they were involved in your life and had taken an interest and tried to build bonds with adult children then I'd have said YABU and that 'grandpa name' would be reasonable alongside your dad as granddad

The fact he barely makes an effort with you or your sister over the time he's been with your mum, doesn't have much to do with your nephew and he's throwing a strop over it (along with your mum's guilt tripping) means YANBU at all.

YADNBU.

You need to have a clear conversation with your partner to explain how you feel, and how important this is to you.
He needs to get this and support you.

Then, let your controlling, mean mother, take a jump.

Her boyfriend will be called by his name. End of.
You do not need to accommodate him in any way re his title.

Your father, whom you obviously care for, will be Granddad. Again end of.

If this is so important to your awful mother, that ye are "done"......
I would hazard that you are dodging a bullet.
Do not contact her.
Let her stew.
I'm always astounded by the tales of petulant mother's/MIL's on MN.

Who are these bratty women🙄

Take care OP.
Stick to your guns.

Yanbu but don't worry, kids copy you. We simply refer to mil's dh by his name, consistently and never use the g word, she got the hint quickly and the kids copied us

I always called my Nans husband by his first name, despite them marrying when I was 2 and him being with her for a long while before I was born. I remember asking when I was about 10 if I could call him Grandad, and the look on his face, and he was then Grandad for the next 20 years.

My mum has been with my step dad since I was 16. My son was born when I was 23. I have never called him dad, but he has always been Grandad to my son, and they have the closest relationship of anyone I know. However, that was my choice, and I also have nothing to do with my paternal father. My stepdad is as near to a dad as you can get, I buy him fathers day cards etc, just after 20 years still don't call him dad. Not sure why.

This is ultimately your decision. But it seems there is a lot of family history with your mum anyway.

On the other side, my DP's parents buy my sons birthday cards saying to Grandson, and include them in their grandchildren count (we've been together 6 years, since my children were 7 and 5) but still write their first names in cards. And my children call them by their first names.

Maybe 30 years ago you might have had a case but with the very fluid family dynamics now it may be a losing battle. He's the man his grandmother lives with, it might confuse your child. In families I know the norm seems to be for the non-grandparent to be referred to as Grandad Joe, the biological one to be Grandad, seems to work well without creating a massive family rift about a relatively trivial matter in the greater scheme of things.

We have a grandpa and Ann, nana and John - no one questions it x

Stand firm.

You hold all the ace cards.

Why can't your DM just do as you ask?

I'm a DGM and a MiL and I listen to my DCs, they are the parents and I abide by their wishes regarding my DGC.

As your child's parents the final choice is up to you and your partner

Personally I've never had an issue with it - probably because you can have more than one grandfather

If he has been in the CHILD's life (not yours) since birth and is playing that grandfatherly role I'd be quite happy for them to call him Grandad firstname or a similar name

however as others have said I'd be more annoyed at the 'we're done' emotional blackmail

I feel like your pain OP. For many years I said happy step mothers day to my dad's wife on mother's day. One year they objected saying she doesn't like the term so I just haven't acknowledged the date since.

When I have kids, they will will call his wife a term I don't really like like nanna. However dad and his wife are married and she does care for us so feel she deserves a passive aggressive term of endearment.

Remember kids aren't daft and they will have a strong bond with your dad if they spend a lot of time with him. Whatever they call your mum's partner will just be a term.

I just find it astonishing that your mother would tell you that it's not for you to 'dictate' to you and that 'you're done' if you don't back down! (My mother is also a bit of a dictator and tbh, probably would have gone behind my back, but she would never have threatened to halt contact!). I'd only known my mother's partner/husband for a few years before I had children. He is a lovely chap so I was happy for him to be called Grandpa (and what an amazing grandpa he has been to my kids over the last 8 years). However, my Dad had died, so I didn't have that to contend with.

Your mum's partner might make a wonderful grandparent in time (how is he with your sister's baby?). And even if they did separate after a few years, he could still be in their lives. However, it really is your decision. How does your father feel? Does he have a new partner? If he did,how would you feel about calling her Grandma?

My biggest concern is your mother dictating to you! Threatening to cut you and your baby out if her life is, quite frankly, ridiculous! You should not allow yourself to be bullied. The crux is how much support would your mother give you when a baby comes along (emotionally and physically). You're likely to be extremely tired and hormonal. Can you deal with her when feeling like that? Is the relationship worth persevering with? You have a child to think about now and need to weigh up the pros and cons of having her in your babies life (particularly if things are strained). Alternatively, if you do get over this issue, there could be positives in maintaining relationships and showing children how to resolve disputes. Ultimately though, this should be your decision, not your mothers!

PPs have given very good advice here. If you once capitulate to this kind of emotional blackmail it will never end. Call her bluff, make it clear no contact is not what you want but if that's what she's decided, so be it. My guess is she'll probably sulk for a while and the reappear when the baby is born, but there is no way she's going to stick to this resolve.

As for the bestowing of a 'Grandad' title in a blended-family situation, this man is not your DC's grandad. He's your DM's partner. There is nothing whatsoever disrespectful or dismissive about addressing him by his actual name, particularly if your DF is the actual grandfather and still taking an active part in yours and your DC's life.

To back down on this would be making an enormous rod for your own back, and , potentially, your DC's. Stick to your guns. YANBU.

Different I know but I had two step grandmothers - one who had brought up my dad from when he was a little boy, And my step-dad's parents. We called them all Nanny along with my maternal grandmother. When my own children were born, they called my step-dad 'grandad' and I was happy with them doing so. The difference is that in all cases, the step-grandparents cared and acted as any 'real' grandparent would. And it was our DCs choice. In your case, I don't think I would be happy since your mother's partner has made it clear that he doesn't see himself in that role wrt your children and your sister's children. I am now a grandparent myself and see the role as a privilege, not a right. Definitely not just a 'name' given to someone who happens to be a partner to one of the grandparents.
Your mum has made it clear where her loyalties lie, And it's not with her children or grandchildren.