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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend has accused me of being a snob

246 replies

HiveBehind · 10/08/2019 09:31

I live in an area which is very beautiful and has many good points, but has an issue with bored teenagers drinking in the park/committing petty vandalism and the like.

A few friends were at my house last night and we were discussing some of the latest antics of the local youth. One of my friends said you could hardly blame them, as they were bored and had nothing to do. I said I disagreed-I grew up here and didn't behave like that, and neither do my children. I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had. She got quite cross with me, said "not everyone can afford violin lessons you know" (DD plays violin) and told me I was a snob and needed to check my privilege. Everyone sort of went quiet, and she then tried to laugh it off as ironic banter, but it clearly wasn't.

I sort of went to bed a bit "oh" but the more I think about it the crosser I am. I was born and raised here in an overcrowded council house, my mum ended up a single mother, we were skint. I went away, came back, DH and I aren't loaded but we've bought our own house and we prioritise the DC doing activities and such because we want to give them as many opportunities as we can. DD's violin was fourth hand, I bought it with money that I was given for my birthday, I do car boot sales over the summer to pay for her lessons over term time.

Friend moved down here from the city for the scenery and to do the whole Good Life thing, comes from well off family,yet apparently seems to know it all. Who the fuck does she think she is?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/08/2019 09:35

Keep her at arms length from now on. She's envious of what you have.

Fredastaireatemyjamsandwich · 10/08/2019 09:36

Yep, she’s jealous.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/08/2019 09:36

Anyone who says check your privilege can fuck right off

Horehound · 10/08/2019 09:38

Anyone who calls another a snob is usually jealous. What it actually means is "you have more money than me and gave nice things/a nicer life"

Yeh, well...so what!

C0untDucku1a · 10/08/2019 09:38

Yes arms length.

I do the same as you, op. Prioritise the children’s extra curricular activities. As a secondary school teacher of many, many years, i regulalrly See the benefit of keeping them busy! The devil makes work for idle hands.

pictish · 10/08/2019 09:38

Storm in a teacup. You’re not a snob and she isn’t necessarily envious of you like the pp suggested. You disagreed, that’s all.

If anything I’m slightly leaning towards being on your friend’s side...I have a 17 yr old and I agree that there’s little to entertain and support that age group in our society.

How old are your kids? You don’t say.

pictish · 10/08/2019 09:40

It certainly isn’t worth losing the friendship over.

Pollywollydolly · 10/08/2019 09:43

Take it as a compliment. It means you have higher standards than her.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 10/08/2019 09:44

6 of 1 tbh. She was a bit OTT, but to assume that her point was invalid based purely on your life is a bit small minded too.

growlingbear · 10/08/2019 09:48

Sorry this happened to you. It sounds hurtful. people can get so aggressive and envious when they see you making a good life for your DC and making an effort to provide. People love to complain it's all luck and priviledge rather than acknowledge any hard work and sacrifices.
She's not as pleasant or in tune with you as you thought.

GreenTulips · 10/08/2019 09:48

not everyone can afford violin lessons you know

Kids on benefits get free music lessons here!

You prioritise your kids opportunities, others prefer holidays or even paying rent.

I agree we didn’t cause trouble and blame boredom - we didn’t go to clubs or have music lessons.

Kids create trouble because there’s no consequences at home. Parents want them out of their hair.

Mine kids feet wouldn’t touch the ground if they behaved like that. So they don’t.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 10/08/2019 09:53

Cuts in youth services, lack of funding, no 17yo I know still does 'extra curricular' activites, by and large they are forced on them by parents, and come burden of GCSE work the vast majority don't keep on with things like that. Boys tend to be a little different with sport, give a boy a ball and he'll be happy over the park for hours. Not so much for girls

I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had

And these facilities are all free are they? and your average single-parent-council-estate-child, as you were, could afford this every night for several hours, for numerous siblings?

Boom45 · 10/08/2019 09:55

I think she (very) badly expressed a valid point. Some young people are just shits, but some end up bored and easily led and don't have the kind of decent family life that helps keep them at home and entertained. It's not about violin lessons but I find some people judge all young people hanging about very harshly - on my local facebook group the other day some one posted we needed to check our doors were locked because she saw someone skateboarding....

pictish · 10/08/2019 09:55

Barren I agree. My dh is fond of saying, ‘Well I never did (whatever) when I was (insert age)!”, and I often think ‘bully for you...other people are different.’

HiveBehind · 10/08/2019 09:57

My eldest is a teenager so I'm not the naive mother of an adorable toddler or something, who doesn't know what lies in wait.

Within walking distance of my house there is a sports centre where kids can hire the AstroTurf or badminton courts for £1 an hour, plus they can get heavily discounted gym membership, there are 5 different independent sports clubs, there are the usual Scouts etc, an art club directed at teenagers,a library which is always running coding clubs and things directed at kids and teens, there are two youth clubs that run all year, there is a country park on our doorstep, the cinema and big shops are 30 minutes away on an hourly bus. Schools are pretty good. My DC don't actually have time to do everything they'd ideally like to do here, I actually think that for a rural area we do very well indeed. I have friends who live in the suburbs who struggle to get their children to similar clubs and activities and who have poorer public transport links

OP posts:
HiveBehind · 10/08/2019 10:00

Yes actually. My mother also made sure we had all the opportunities she could manage. My brother's career is actually directly linked to the hobby that she took on a small extra job to fund. That's just what you do, surely?

OP posts:
pictish · 10/08/2019 10:00

So...sports clubs. If you’re not sporty?
What else is available facility-wise? And by available I mean easily accessible and affordable. There are libraries. Anything else?

peachgreen · 10/08/2019 10:00

I think her point was less about the specifics of affording violin lessons and more about the fact that a lot of those kids most likely don't have the supportive home life your kids enjoy and therefore don't behave in the same way they do. Social deprivation leading to anti-social behaviour is a very well established link, she wasn't saying anything groundbreaking and I do think it's a bit snobbish to entertain your friends over dinner with "the latest antics of the local youth". I suspect she was just frustrated and lashed out.

peachgreen · 10/08/2019 10:02

That's just what you do, surely?

You're very naive if you assume all parents do these things.

pictish · 10/08/2019 10:02

There are no youth clubs in my area.

HiveBehind · 10/08/2019 10:04

So it's an investment too. DD is hoping to get far on enough to be able to make a few quid tutoring violin if she decides to go to university,she'll have to work her way through because we won't be able to help her out much. She says she'll busk too, apparently she's going to dress up as a pirate and play Disney music on violin
The mental image makes me think she'd perhaps be better off drinking in the local park after allGrin

OP posts:
pictish · 10/08/2019 10:05

“That’s just what you do, surely?”

Ok I’m with your friend. It might be what you do...it sure isn’t the case for everyone. You are being small.

HiveBehind · 10/08/2019 10:06

Sports clubs, art clubs, libraries, bus to cinema and shops, gym, scouts, youth clubs, wtf else do you want? Would it kill them to be bored for a few evenings?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/08/2019 10:06

Some kids like to just Hang Out. They don't want to be organised or supervised.

But - they can do that without causing trouble.

My kids managed.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 10/08/2019 10:06

My daughter has violin lessons in school, they are only 35 euro a term! She comes home and teaches me. My other daughter has piano and singing lessons which cost 190 euro for the same term! I also have singing lessons.

I'm not a snob, just trying to give my children opportunities I didn't have growing up.

Maybe your tone was condescending and your friend was annoyed. Who knows.

I wouldn't bin your friend for this one comment.

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