Friend has accused me of being a snob

[HiveBehind]

I live in an area which is very beautiful and has many good points, but has an issue with bored teenagers drinking in the park/committing petty vandalism and the like.

A few friends were at my house last night and we were discussing some of the latest antics of the local youth. One of my friends said you could hardly blame them, as they were bored and had nothing to do. I said I disagreed-I grew up here and didn't behave like that, and neither do my children. I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had. She got quite cross with me, said "not everyone can afford violin lessons you know" (DD plays violin) and told me I was a snob and needed to check my privilege. Everyone sort of went quiet, and she then tried to laugh it off as ironic banter, but it clearly wasn't.

I sort of went to bed a bit "oh" but the more I think about it the crosser I am. I was born and raised here in an overcrowded council house, my mum ended up a single mother, we were skint. I went away, came back, DH and I aren't loaded but we've bought our own house and we prioritise the DC doing activities and such because we want to give them as many opportunities as we can. DD's violin was fourth hand, I bought it with money that I was given for my birthday, I do car boot sales over the summer to pay for her lessons over term time.

Friend moved down here from the city for the scenery and to do the whole Good Life thing, comes from well off family,yet apparently seems to know it all. Who the fuck does she think she is?

I think you’re mistaking wealth and being a snob as going together. You can still be a snob with no money at all. You also sound very defensive about your childhood and not having money. Usually people who are that defensive about a particular thing are very sensitive if they feel they are criticised about it. Could that be the case here? Could your friend have made a comment about something that frustrates her but you have taken on board far more than most people would because of your own insecurities from childhood and now? I don’t mean this harshly but if you try to take a step back and look at it again without any emotion involved, could that be the case?

She’s talking bollocks. Kids have masses more to do then previous generations.They can also stay in and talk to their mates for free if they want.
Even if they like hanging round there is no need to drop litter or be anti social. We always picked up our Cinzano bottles after necking them in the graveyard.

She’s just trotting out some nonsense she’s heard without thinking too hard about it.

What happens when your dd suddenly decides playing the violin is lame and she doesn’t want to do it any more? When she decides she’d rather hang out with her friends in the park?

kids can hire the AstroTurf or badminton courts for £1 an hour

Or they can go to the park for free

the assumption as ever is 'oh its only a pound' and a pound in the great scheme of things is nothing, but two or three siblings, every day? that over £20 a week, and only an hour? I love this 'heavily discounted' comment - yes we have heavily discounted things too - we also have food banks.

You're friend is right, you don't seem to have any concept of today.

And for the It never happened in my day' - that sort of bollocks pisses me off, if it never happened in your/our day there wouldn't have been borstals etc. Apparently no one before 2010 ever committed a crime or was a bored feckless teenager

Rural areas get little or no funding, bigger towns will get spending depending on council priorities. My local council (London) has closed down nearly all the youth centres, the ones that are left are open 2 nights a week now. We are often on the news for knife crime, moped thefts.

But Im sure all the single mothers on council estates round me can send Jaiden Kai to tennis lessons .

Some people have lost touch with the real world

Agreed.

You are sounding like a snob now tbh, yes.

She’s right though- not everyone can afford violin lessons..

Most 17 years olds just hang out with their mates rather than participate in organised activities at that age, surely?

I think it’s naive to say there are art clubs, badminton lessons for a small cost etc. Those sort of examples are usually something encouraged by the parents and if a young persons parent aren’t into that sort of thing then they’re going to find other ways of entertaining themselves.

Your friend sounds horrible. Get rid of her.

I always believed that if you gave your children stability, love, attention and opportunity, all the things I never had, they would turn out just fine.

How naïve was I?

I don't judge others anymore.

OP your friend is jealous. I do not consider it snobbish to not want your teens hanging out in parks etc.

I have the same approach with my teens. It takes a great deal of energy to keep teens busy. I also have friends that are fine with their dc going to parks etc and towns, and these are the very same friends that have big problems with their teens. It is not a coincidence.

Village in my experience yes. Obviously there are 17 yr olds playing badminton...but not many.

I made with you. Allowing children to run feral in gangs and not know what they’re up to is parental negligence and almost inevitably leads to shabby behaviour.
They don’t necessarily need organised activities (but it helps in all sorts of ways) but they need constructive activities and adults who know and care what they’re up to and where they are. Parents who are involved and active in their lives. Family activities and events.
Just chilling in the park with a large group is a recipe for mischief and consequences of mischief.
It’s not snobbery; it’s good parenting and aspirations for your children.

I used to hang out with my friends in the park. We didn't cause any trouble or break anything though. We just sat around having a laugh and flirting with the lads.

I think that, faced with the same situation, what would have grated with me were the fact that the comments came from someone who had no personal experience of what it’s like to be a 17 year old from a family where resources were very stretched. It is actually snobbier (in my view) to have low expectations of people and just assuming it is all about resources when it may be other things - eg peer pressure to spend time being ‘cool’.

When they brought in ASBOs, I remember David Blunkett saying the opposition to them did not come from people living (or who had lived) in areas where antisocial behaviour was a problem but from people like Lord Irvine who had never had any personal experience of the problem.

So no, YANBU

Even kids who do want to do art/sport/cookery don’t want to do it for every waking hour, they also want to just hang out with their mates, making a noise and, yes, occasionally drinking.

No, it’s not great when stuff gets damaged, and I wouldn’t let my DD hang out in the park causing trouble, but I have a big enough house for her to be happy at home, and can afford to give her money to go into town to the shops, for lunch etc. There are plenty of families where an adult gets a second job like your mum did to put food in the table, not to fund a hobby.

Lost touch with the real world

Oh dear, have put were not was and assuming not assume. Sorry - should have proof read.

Of course, when a 15 yr old former violin player is found with an gaggle of teens in a local incident involving groups and alcohol, I’ll be sure to blame her parents. You can hire a badminton court for a pound an hour you know.

Well it’s irrelevant whether these activities exist or not. They’re not three year olds, teenagers are old enough to be held accountable for their behaviour more or less (obviously allowing for minor indiscretions).

OP I would put a bit of distance between you and your friend and then decide if you want to stay in touch. The comments seems to suggest some sort of resentment on her side. She could've made her points / had a debate without making it personal.

And FWIW I'm with you. I grew up in a deprived community on a council estate and there was fuck all to do (mainly because a lot of the facilities had been trashed). But I stayed home and watched telly, read books etc, went to hang out at friends houses, got up of my arse and got the bus with friends to go to the cinema, local town etc and went to the youth club which was on one night a week. And I studied hard because I saw that would give me opportunities.

Nettie thank you. That's what I'm trying to say. On paper I come from the same background and same class and income bracket as the kids ripping up newly planted trees, stealing kid's bikes and spraying shit up the walls of pensioner bungalows. Yet, as if by magic, I make damn sure my children aren't lumped in with that set- and no it's not about teens "hanging around", there's hanging around and then there's being deliberately violent and destructive. Funny how people on here get really offended when you don't stay in your box marked "prole".

So pictish what do your kids do? Do you just wave them off with their bottle of white lightning and say see you later, sweetie, sorry I can't offer any alternative suggestions to getting pissed in the park? You'd be fucking running to the badminton courts with your pound