Friend has accused me of being a snob

[HiveBehind]

I live in an area which is very beautiful and has many good points, but has an issue with bored teenagers drinking in the park/committing petty vandalism and the like.

A few friends were at my house last night and we were discussing some of the latest antics of the local youth. One of my friends said you could hardly blame them, as they were bored and had nothing to do. I said I disagreed-I grew up here and didn't behave like that, and neither do my children. I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had. She got quite cross with me, said "not everyone can afford violin lessons you know" (DD plays violin) and told me I was a snob and needed to check my privilege. Everyone sort of went quiet, and she then tried to laugh it off as ironic banter, but it clearly wasn't.

I sort of went to bed a bit "oh" but the more I think about it the crosser I am. I was born and raised here in an overcrowded council house, my mum ended up a single mother, we were skint. I went away, came back, DH and I aren't loaded but we've bought our own house and we prioritise the DC doing activities and such because we want to give them as many opportunities as we can. DD's violin was fourth hand, I bought it with money that I was given for my birthday, I do car boot sales over the summer to pay for her lessons over term time.

Friend moved down here from the city for the scenery and to do the whole Good Life thing, comes from well off family,yet apparently seems to know it all. Who the fuck does she think she is?

haven't read the whole thread but

I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had.

I am not able to afford any clubs etc for any of my DC. So yes, I think it is snobbish to assume that other parents can afford to finance hobbies for their DC just because you can. I know many other parents in a similar position to myself. I think it is pretty common not being able to afford any out of school activities.

*“That’s just what you do, surely?”

Ok I’m with your friend. It might be what you do...it sure isn’t the case for everyone. You are being small.*

OP was talking about her mother giving them all the opportunities she could afford and not talking about herself. No it isn't the case for everyone but SHE isn't being small

And no it is not unreasonable to get pissed off with antisocial behavour or to discuss it with a group of friends

Check your privilege is such a twattish thing to say though

Why do teenagers need to be entertained? They need to learn that not everything is given to them, they need to entertain themselves, use their imagination, stay out of trouble, have some down time!

I have two teens and I understand the pressures they face are different to what I had when I was that age. But if we continue to solve all their problems (like how to entertain themselves legally) they will remain bored with “nothing” to do. The other day we took a hike up a local mountain (I’m not a fitness freak yummy mummy - far from it) and they loved it. They have found a new interest they can do for free with each other and friends.

You don’t sound like a snob. I’m sure music lessons cost a heck of a lot less than a PS4 game! If anything, your friend sounds like an inverted snob.

You can't force teenagers to do what you want them to do. It's all very well saying they have clubs and astro turfs but have they asked for this? Have they asked for the clubs to be run the way they are? No they haven't.

2 different social experiments. One a housing developer redeveloped a community and made it 'nice'. The community wasn't involved in the process and so didn't use or appreciate what was done. It wasn't what they wanted and so they didn't use it. People who chose to move into the area used the facilities but that was down to them choosing to live there and subsequently their ownership of that space.

Second experiment, trouble with a large group of teenagers. A youth worker built a relationship with them and found that they wanted a skate park. The youth worker put in for funding bids and the teenagers helped design all of it. Those teenagers looked after their space as they had ownership of it. They taught the younger generation to do the same thing (cool teens telling younger not so cool teens works really well) and 15 years later that skate park is still in tip top condition.

Teenagers are supposed to rebel. It's part of their brain developing towards independence. Their empathy and risk taking is last to develop which makes it a tough time for them and their parents. Teenage brain development is the biggest brain change apart from toddlers that a person will have. Imagine toddlers and their struggles, then compare them to teenagers and you'll understand their contrary and funny ways a bit better.

Just going back to the original post OP

Your friends was rude and a bit blunt and that wasn't needed, but I understand her point.

Where I live we have some amazing facilities. Several sport centres, trampoline parks, pottery cafes and much more, but they need paying for.

On top of that, they need bus money to get into town.

We don't have many free things about and if I'm honest, you could do them all in two days so not sure how they'd make up the rest of the 6 week holiday.

You're very lucky that you can afford for your children to do extra things and had a wonderful parent who did it for you, but there are some who take on these extra jobs just to put food on the table and pay for uniform. Activities on top for them is just not possible.

I disagree about there being nothing to do! I used to teach Air Cadets. £10 per month and those Cadets have a blast! They're all taught discipline, have a great time and are all weapons trained, go on Army assault courses, do Charity work etc.

There's also Army Cadets and Sea Cadets. They all go up to age 20

No excuse

@pictish Please see my last post above

Fizzypoo what an good post. I agree with you.

So what if there are sports facilities? Who wants to play sport...apart from sporty bods? Do teens make noise about wanting more access to badminton courts? No. Do they wish the library was open later? Do they fuck.

No teenage rebellion has ever been sorted out with bloody tennis lessons. If your kid is going to go astray, they will...and unless you’re proposing to keep them locked in your house or insist on fitting them with a go-pro, by the time they hit 15/16/17 there is little you can do to control it. They’ll lie, manufacture, manipulate and calculate to shut you up and then they’ll do what the fuck they like regardless.
It’s not inherent badness - it’s a biological drive for independence.

I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure OP’s daughter is still a young teen and not yet at The Stage. If so, she wants to be very careful what she says to others regarding the parenting of teens. She hasn’t got it sewn it up yet...not by a long chalk. Heh.

My own son was a biddable, studious delight until he was around 15. He’s very nearly 18 now...and while it has been a rough three years steering my headstrong and exuberant lad through and at times I have truly despaired, I’m starting to see signs of our hard work and effort throughout his upbringing have been instilled after all. He’ll get there...despite drinking cider in the park when I forbade it.

Happy - I didn’t want to be an Air Cadet, I wanted to be Siouxsie Sioux. Sorry.

My son was in the Scouts for years. He got a lot from it and even became a Young Leader for the Cubs.
When he was 16 I think it was, the Scouts were dead. His interest waned and died and he stopped going. I did my utmost to persuade him to keep it on but might as well have been talking to a pot plant.

I am a good parent. Or to use a smug term from this thread, a ‘present parent’. I did all the right things, created and facilitated the opportunities, spent the money, offered the support, imposed the sanctions, spent (and still spend) the Quality Time. I have encouraged, boosted, assured and celebrated my lad’s virtues...I have grounded, revoked, followed through and held firm on his foibles. I take being a parent of a teen seriously and still have two to go! Help!

Don’t sit there thinking you’re immune, giving it “I blame the parents”.
Unfair, untrue...and stupidly simplistic.

Your mate is not jealous of you, she thought you were being a dick.

They're all taught discipline, have a great time and are all weapons trained, go on Army assault courses, do Charity work etc.

Would never ever have joined a club where I handled weapons and I wouldn't let my children do so either.

Can’t imagine anything I would have avoided more as a teen. I was a music bod...had no interest in weapons, ta. Still don’t.

Hi @Reallybadidea, just wanted to say thank you for saying everything you said as you hit the nail firmly on the head. It's not about money or what facilities are available or whether things are better now or 1 million years ago, it's about the time and discipline you have to engage in your children. And of course some children are more obedient than others regardless of how strict or laid back their parents are.
I can leave the thread now .

Pictish and fizzypoo make excellent points also.
So many smug posts about how their children have or will turn out due to excellent parenting choices but failing to remember how their delightful babies slept through the night and were no bother at all.
Some kids are just easier than others at the end of the day.
My DM was a rebel without a clue as a teen and she was a very laid back young single mum, incredibly Liberal, I could've got away with murder . I was given sooo much more freedom than all of my friends and I was the only one who never got pregnant as a teen and I didn't smoke my first cigarette until I was 25.
Without blowing smoke up my own arse, my mum got incredibly lucky.

Your friend is not wrong. Privilege talk is surely a twattish thing, but yeah, violin lessons aren't for many families budget. And teenagers either hang out, or stay inside with their Xboxes.

Love fizzys post. I don’t think any parent can afford to be smug.

Agree the phase check your privilege immediately identifies the speaker as a prat though.

It's forgivable if the speaker is 15 to be fair

I'm with your friend. Because you can afford for your children to do activities everybody can? Not all families have spare money, yes even £1. Do you know how many families use food banks for christ sake?
Your comments make you come across as snobbish, and whilst you might not like the phrase, you do need to check your privilege.

I would talk to her alone and tell her EXACTLY what you have told us.

Make it clear you have damn well worked for what you have and in future to keep her jealous bitchy comments to herself and further to that, to kindly not use buzz words/phrases that she doesn't understand.

Tell her you are beyond offended by her wide of the mark remarks and that as a result will be keeping her at arms length where she belongs.

Smile sweetly and leave. Don't look back.

I've endured similar attitudes. Like you, I came from little and had little so had to make some very difficult choices and I'm VERY good at making the most of almost nothing. I'm now in a place where I'm better all around and my standards are high because I set them high for myself.

As a result I've had nearly a lifetime of jealousy, bad behaviour and one oneupmanship from people who are supposed to be my friend. Calling us a snob is the last bastion of the intellectually meagre. Let her get on with it, she is NOT your friend.