Friend has accused me of being a snob

[HiveBehind]

I live in an area which is very beautiful and has many good points, but has an issue with bored teenagers drinking in the park/committing petty vandalism and the like.

A few friends were at my house last night and we were discussing some of the latest antics of the local youth. One of my friends said you could hardly blame them, as they were bored and had nothing to do. I said I disagreed-I grew up here and didn't behave like that, and neither do my children. I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had. She got quite cross with me, said "not everyone can afford violin lessons you know" (DD plays violin) and told me I was a snob and needed to check my privilege. Everyone sort of went quiet, and she then tried to laugh it off as ironic banter, but it clearly wasn't.

I sort of went to bed a bit "oh" but the more I think about it the crosser I am. I was born and raised here in an overcrowded council house, my mum ended up a single mother, we were skint. I went away, came back, DH and I aren't loaded but we've bought our own house and we prioritise the DC doing activities and such because we want to give them as many opportunities as we can. DD's violin was fourth hand, I bought it with money that I was given for my birthday, I do car boot sales over the summer to pay for her lessons over term time.

Friend moved down here from the city for the scenery and to do the whole Good Life thing, comes from well off family,yet apparently seems to know it all. Who the fuck does she think she is?

I don't think she's jealous btw. She maybe just doesn't realise it's not really on to call someone names.

Don’t understand why everyone’s having a go at the OP. It sounds to me like she’s stating facts. Let’s not lose sight of - parents doing extra hobbies to fund activities, budgeting, and being interested in sport aside - that NOT having any of these things people have said to the OP are a ‘privilege’, is still not a green light to behave in the disgusting ways OP describes.

Are people seriously saying ‘Oh poor young people with no entertainment; no wonder you want to smear shit on the house of an elderly person for fun.’

As everyone has the power to do what OPs mum did to help her, and do what OP does to give her children these opportunities, she’s not ‘privileged’ she’s just lucky to have had a great role model who has passed on good values.

Op, I have a similar background to you. My mother took on extra jobs , so that my siblings and I could take part in extra curricular activities. We all turned out well
So I get where you are coming from
However, the tone of your posts suggest that you are perhaps judgemental which can come across as snobby.
As another poster pointed out, you don’t have to be rich to be snobby. In fact, some of the snobbiest people I know are not wealthy at all. On the other hand, some of the wealthiest people I know are the least snobby.
Also, we really don’t know how our own children will turn out. You can give your kids ‘everything ‘ and they still turn out to be lazy , entitled brats.

Off topic a bit but Re: cinema.
Meerkat Movies does 2 for 1 tickets every Tuesday and Wednesday, any cinema 'brand.'

You can get it for a year, by buying just one days worth of insurance (e.g. a couple of quids worth).

Agree with Charley50. Your friend was really rude.

Good manners cost nothing!

All those resources sound great but they may as well be on the moon if there isn't a parent or other trusted adult acting as the driving force behind getting their kids involved. If you've never been brought up to prioritise those kinds of sports and activities it can feel like "oh that's for me, that for others" iyswim?

EugenesAxe, some people probably do think that. The little shits around here have taken to attacking cats, pigeons etc with catapults and when someone challenged them they turned the catapult on her. When it was mentioned on a local FB page some twats actually said 'kids will be kids' as though it's acceptable.

She was wrong to say "check your privilege". It sounds as though you want more for your children than you had and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your children however are hugely privileged - maybe not financially but by having engaged parents who prioritise them, they are indeed very privileged. But I think your friend has a point. It's really easy to say, oh there's loads to do, but if sport as an alternative to hanging around the park isn't something that these kids have been encouraged to do by their parents, then they're less likely to want to do them.

I also think you're making the common mistake of thinking that just because you have improved you're circumstances, there's no reason others can't. Most people don't, you're the exception to the rule. By the same token Alan Sugar is a self-made millionaire. If he can do it, why haven't you?

YABU (and also sounding snobbier and more judgemental with every post).

Clearly you've a very limited understanding of brain/cognitive development or the impact of trauma on children and young people. Also, it's not as simple as getting a side job in order to fund extra-curricular activites. I wonder if you'd preach that to the people being forced to use foodbanks and go without to ensure their children are fed and looked after.

You also made the point that you left, then came back (presumably to look down your nose at the have-nots who haven't dragged themselves up to your standards). So you can't really understand the circumstances of those who aren't as privileged as you are...

Considering you've no idea in the slightest about their home lives, or other life experiences, then you've no place in judging just because your privileged kids don't behave that way.

I have a friend like this. Once, after a few drinks, she said she was jealous of me because I’d worked my way up from a council house baby to a successful business owner... definitely a touch of the green eyed monster and a ‘friend’ to keep at arms length. People who don’t celebrate your successes are not people you want around you.

Just because teenagers don't have a lot to do, it doesn't mean they have to go round vandalising bus shelters, drinking lager and smoking spliffs in the playground or causing a nuisance to people going about their daily lives.

If it was as easy as getting an extra job to fund activities it would be easy. I could/would do that. You then loose benefits so are no better off! Or then you would have to work so many hours that you are never around for your children.

With regard to Meerkat movies, it's great but we live a 45 min drive from our nearest cinema, for people like me I can't afford the fuel/parking cost to take my kids.

Some people are literally counting every penny and are trapped.

She hates you OP. She’s been polite to you for ages but I bet she slags you off to others. This is nothing to do with snobbery

I reckon the friend could be in the right here.

It's a bit odd that she comes from a well-off family and you don't and yet she called you a snob. Your 'privilege' that you're supposed to 'check' is apparently that you've worked your way up in life. What a load of bollocks. Disapproving of vandalism is not snobbery.

And surely complaining about being bored is an obligatory part of being a teenager?

If you're otherwise good mates I'd let it go.
She shouldn't have said it that's for sure but these things happen.

YANBU. I can't stand people like your friend. No wonder there are so many badly behaved hanging around in Britain. Having hobbies is something encouraged in most other Northern European countries. Suggesting you are a snob for saying having hobbies is a healthy thing for parents to encourage is just awful, negative, backward thinking.

"Check your privilege" do people actually use that phrase in real life? Cringing at the thought. YANBU OP

Of course kids hang out, but it’s what they do when they’re hanging that’s the issue.
What they shouldn’t do is wreck other people’s property, break baby swings in the park, wander the streets with menace etc etc, yet these behaviours happen all the time.
I would describe myself as living in a ’naice’ area - lots of privately owned houses and expensive rentals with 2 cars on the drive, yet the local park for the under 5’s is a disgrace as all the equipment has been damaged, despite their being plenty of stuff for bigger kids in a separate area, the houses in our road that sides onto a public footpath has had to replace its wooden fence for a high concrete wall as it was constantly being damaged and there are bottles of cheap cider and cigarette packets thrown in the hedges. Money or lack of it is not an issue here and the blame for behaviours like this lies with parents who don’t seem to care that their kids are just going out to wander the streets.
We are not rich but like many on here I have always made an effort to ensure that my children have every opportunity to try things that they might find themselves enjoying in the hope that it will keep them off the streets when they are older. If (and when) they do end up just hanging about with their friends I am pretty confident that they will know the difference between right and wrong and that they should respect other people’s property because they’ve been taught this from an early age.
OP a has been given a hard time for her violin lessons - it’s the general principal of giving children opportunities to do things that will give them an interest. This has nothing to do with being a snob but more to do about being a good parent Where I live such opportunities are plentiful and cheap, yet there are obviously parents who chose not to encourage their children to try things and are happy enough to just open the door and let them do as they will. They also seemingly haven’t bothered to teach them good manners or respect for others which says a lot about them as parents. In my view you don’t need to be privileged to be a good parent.

Check your privilege has become such a meaningless catchphrase, mostly used in completely inapposite ways.
I discount all of what’s been said whenever I see it chucked into a conversation now. See, because I’ve never actually heard it said out loud.

I think it was slightly easier in the past because most of those young people would have been in full-time work. Now we have 16 and 17 year olds who are no longer kids, but not allowed to be part of the adult world as well.

By the way I hung about parks and would never have done anything wrong. Most anti social behaviour and crime is committed by young men. This is about the idea of working class masculinity, coupled with boredom and sometimes poor parenting.

Well, maybe I am a snob.

I'd rather be a snob if it means making an attempt to provide something better for my kids than sitting in a park at 11pm with a pack of fags and a can of cider.

What an up myself cow eh.

The hilarious thing is, this being mumsnet, most of you are probably loaded compared to me, and nobody is smashing the shit out of your local play park.

Still, I'll take it on the chin,as you were now.

Oh god, “check your privilege” is right up there with “educate yourself” for the worst obnoxiously woke catchphrases.

twat her with violin

Your 'friend' is resentful of you, so not a genuine friend in my book.
She's also very narrow minded.
Can you ditch her? If you can't, at least you know what she really thinks about you.