Friend has accused me of being a snob

[HiveBehind]

I live in an area which is very beautiful and has many good points, but has an issue with bored teenagers drinking in the park/committing petty vandalism and the like.

A few friends were at my house last night and we were discussing some of the latest antics of the local youth. One of my friends said you could hardly blame them, as they were bored and had nothing to do. I said I disagreed-I grew up here and didn't behave like that, and neither do my children. I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had. She got quite cross with me, said "not everyone can afford violin lessons you know" (DD plays violin) and told me I was a snob and needed to check my privilege. Everyone sort of went quiet, and she then tried to laugh it off as ironic banter, but it clearly wasn't.

I sort of went to bed a bit "oh" but the more I think about it the crosser I am. I was born and raised here in an overcrowded council house, my mum ended up a single mother, we were skint. I went away, came back, DH and I aren't loaded but we've bought our own house and we prioritise the DC doing activities and such because we want to give them as many opportunities as we can. DD's violin was fourth hand, I bought it with money that I was given for my birthday, I do car boot sales over the summer to pay for her lessons over term time.

Friend moved down here from the city for the scenery and to do the whole Good Life thing, comes from well off family,yet apparently seems to know it all. Who the fuck does she think she is?

But you are privileged if your mum took on an extra work to provide you with extra curricular activities, those kids may not have that privilege. So in that respect your friend is right. Though probably a bit rude in how she went about making a point.

Slight digression but I wouldn’t busk Disney tunes - they’re like the men in black for copyright infringement!

Mid teens is a really difficult age ime (not from a parenting perspective admittedly). It’s too old for lots of structured activity if they’re not a semi-serious level and too young for having your own spaces available to just hang out.

There’s no excuse for vandalism or terrorising people but I completely see how boredom coupled with being too old for constant supervision leads to antisocial behaviour.

I don’t really have an answer to be honest, I don’t think anyone does hence this is the same problem it was thirty years ago.

God, I didn't even think of copyright. How would they ever find out though? DD will be devestated, her jack sparrow impersonator dreams crushed

Good post why.

OP I am sorry to be blunt but you are sounding smaller, smugger and more full of yourself by the post.
I genuinely hope your kids follow the trajectory you imagine they will. It will be better for them if they do. Just don’t count on it that’s all...and certainly not to the point where you feel compelled to slam down your metaphorical gavel in the earshot of others.
You might well end up eating your words.

From your last few posts you sound crackers.

I think your friend had a point.

‘Check your privilege’ is hilarious coming from a woman who you say is from a wealthy family. I would have told her to check her own damn privilege.

Don't be silly. Different people behave differently. It definitely happened in your day too. My mother caused havoc between 13 and 15 (when she moved out. Then she still caused havoc, just in a different city). I met my friends in the local park and got drunk, but we were polite and tidy... Other teenagers had parents who gave more of a fuck and had money for the bus, the cinema, a quid for the sports centre, were alowed their friends in their home.

My best friend as a teenager had a mentally ill single parent, a very violent older sibling, a no friends rule for her family home and not a penny to her name until she was old enough to be employable. Where should she have gone? Home? Beaten up by her mother or sibling. Cinema? Money. Shops? Money. Bus anywhere? Money. Sports facilities? Require money and footwear that's not a single pair of boots. Library? Bus to get there. Money.

You parent how you should, and that's fantastic. Not all parents prioritise their children. Where do you think those kids go? To the park, with the cider they cobbled £3 between 8 of them to buy. Because that is pretty much all they can do, if they can neither be at home, nor afford anything fun to do outside.

It's shit parenting, more than it's shit teenagers.

Unless you have trackers on your teenagers, you are very naive to think you know where they are every waking hour when they're out of your sight anyway. Can you be 100% certain they're never part of a group hanging round the park drinking? To my parents I was a compliant little swot, but they didn't - and still don't - know half of what I got up to with my friends when they thought I was somewhere else.

Storm in a teacup

Agreed. This woman makes one comment and you’re worrying about it into the night and making a thread on MN explaining all of the ways you’re not privileged. You mustn’t have much else on at the minute.

So your mum took on extra work to fund the discussed activities? Yet you can't see what the barrier to these kids having the same opportunities might be? As your friend said...check your privilege. It comes in lots of guises.

@HiveBehind fuck knows but they do. There’s loads of examples of you look for them, admittedly more people who have an online presence but they do crack down on some obscure operations sometimes.

I suppose (in a way) your dd is planning on being a troublemaker. Just that she’s more into corporate criminality. That’s very advanced though so silver linings and all that

There is tonnes for teenagers to do around where I live. Libraries, sports clubs, loads of youth clubs. There is plenty for engaged teenagers to do. The thing is though, teenagers are teenagers. They push boundaries. Those who really boundary push have little interest in participating in yet another adult led activity (home/school is enough) and so they choose to do their own thing. Their own thing can be anything they conceive, that can be as wild as the imagination allows.

I think she was pointing out that in order to do the things you mention as alternatives to how they are currently spending their time, they would need money. You have confirmed this in later posts. Some people don't have £1 and even if they did would perhaps not have the money to buy the astro-shoes which you should use on astroturf. My kids could not do scouts when they were little as we didn't have the money for subs and uniform. These things are not free and not within everyone's reach. The way you expressed yourself perhaps suggested to her that you did not understand this. Listing things you could do instead when all those things cost money is sort of missing the point isn't it? That said, I never do really buy the 'they're just bored' argument as a reason why kids do anti-social things. We found ways to make our own social entertainment with no money and no facilities as kids. We were not vandalising things for fun - I don't know when kids stopped being able to entertain themselves....

Exactly whytho. Some of the in the park kids will have parents as “good” as the op. We have friends with young preteens very smug about their numerous activities and worthy ways. But there comes a point where the child decides and if they choose the dark side there is little a parent can actually do. There but for the grace of god go I is my view on this and I would never be complacent about my own dds or judgemental about other people’s.

Does it really matter about what's available? Would the teens actually do it if it was free? Probably less than half would. It's not budget cuts that mean teens are bored and have to vandalise the place. It's lack of discipline and consequences.
I'm almost 40 now. I grew up with no money for clubs even if they did exist (which they did not, where I lived, not even so much as a Girl Guide type thing)
We had 4 channels on the telly and the BBC ones shut down at night. We had no internet. No mobile phones. Buses stopped at 6pm. Shops shut even earlier. We children didn't have even a fraction of the disposable income that kids do these days. You were lucky if there was maybe one games console in a house and a single game would take 10 mins to load.

And they're bored NOW?! NOW it's a perfectly reasonable excuse to be bored and cause petty vandalism? Oh come on.

She sounds jealous
You sound like me i don't think I'm better than anyone but have been accused by certain people who are 'friends' with us of being so.If doing everything to make sure your children are happy makes you a snob then whatever.
My daughter does violin too.I budget for her lessons and her violin was from Facebook!

So to the outside world my family was a middle class average family, kids did clubs etc.
recently I left my husband due to DV. He invested all our money unwisely and now I'm on universal credit and work PT hours (I'm a professional)I have 2 kids and I couldn't afford to send them for £1 per child to a club. I can barely afford food. Don't even know how I'm going to buy school uniform.

WhyTho, I understand, some more fortunate people, never will.

@ohwhattodowithmylife there is a government grant available to you
I advised a lady the other day of it whilst i was treating her.I will find out what it is.Are they primary age?

I don't think you're a snob or you need to 'check your privilege.' Your friend made a general discussion with differing opinions personal, calling you names. That's why you're pissed off.

Posted too
Soon- we don't get free music lessons as a previous poster commented. I have had to stop DD guitar lessons.

People think they know what another's situation may be like but it's not that black and white.

Girls it is well documented loose interest in sport after puberty so sports clubs are not going to be where you ding girls wanting to hang around generally.

Also the cinema, are you joking- that would cost more than half a mo the food money for me to send my kids to the cinema.

I would suggest times are tough for many. You may not understand the reality of it.

Hi,
No government grant available in my area for uniform.