Friend has accused me of being a snob

[HiveBehind]

I live in an area which is very beautiful and has many good points, but has an issue with bored teenagers drinking in the park/committing petty vandalism and the like.

A few friends were at my house last night and we were discussing some of the latest antics of the local youth. One of my friends said you could hardly blame them, as they were bored and had nothing to do. I said I disagreed-I grew up here and didn't behave like that, and neither do my children. I pointed out the numerous sports clubs and facilities avaliable to young people in recent years, far more than we ever had. She got quite cross with me, said "not everyone can afford violin lessons you know" (DD plays violin) and told me I was a snob and needed to check my privilege. Everyone sort of went quiet, and she then tried to laugh it off as ironic banter, but it clearly wasn't.

I sort of went to bed a bit "oh" but the more I think about it the crosser I am. I was born and raised here in an overcrowded council house, my mum ended up a single mother, we were skint. I went away, came back, DH and I aren't loaded but we've bought our own house and we prioritise the DC doing activities and such because we want to give them as many opportunities as we can. DD's violin was fourth hand, I bought it with money that I was given for my birthday, I do car boot sales over the summer to pay for her lessons over term time.

Friend moved down here from the city for the scenery and to do the whole Good Life thing, comes from well off family,yet apparently seems to know it all. Who the fuck does she think she is?

I don't think it's snobbish to want to do the best for your children, l have always sacificed things to give my child better than what l had and l have also had the snide its "ok for them" comments but l shrug it off because l'm never going to apologise for doing my best and yes it doesn't always mean that your children still don't make mistakes but at least l know l did my best and that's all l can do and yes not all children are as lucky but that's unfortunately not something within our control. Well done op keep doing what your doing and ignore people who try and bring you down

Friend moved down here from the city for the scenery and to do the whole Good Life thing, comes from well off family I don't get the impression that the friend is jealous of the OP's violin lessons.

She maybe has pmt m/having a bad day/kids being twats and is feeling as “Oh” as you now.

You sound similar to me OP, I think the people I am friends with don’t always realise that just because my children are always dressed nicely and we have a nice house and drive two (albeit fairly old) cars that we aren’t particularly well off. We buy everything second hand (clothes, furniture, basically most stuff)

Personally, I’d let it slide this time. But another strike and she’d be out lol

Look she has a very valid point which she expressed badly. No she's not jealous of you (come on mumsnet). Lack of oppurtunity isn't always about the most obvious things like violin lessons or oppurtunity for sport. Even if you have the violin bought and lessons paid for unstable and ill parents can make taking up the oppurtunity impossible. It's a trickle down affect from numerous social, cultural and employment areas in society which create inequality. It's complex it's sad you want to make things so black and white. Your assertion that essentially they're just bad kids is very very very privalaged and naive. So dissapointed by some of the silly responses on here tbh.

You sound like a snob the way you were talking about the local teenagers imo.

100% what @winniestone37 said

I think that a lot of youth misadventure goes a lot, lot deeper than ‘hire the AstroTurf’ and is fuelled by lack of role models, aspiration poverty and cultural capital. It’s just not inherent in a lot of kids to get engaged in a sport or whatever. Many of these kids use substances and antisocial behaviour because of wider issues like parental DA, communication needs, educational disadvantage etc etc. I think you are naive and narrow minded to think having local activities is a magic wand and that your friend was understandably frustrated. I think she expressed it badly but that you also need to look st the bigger picture

I don’t think the friend is envious either...why would she be? She’s moved from the city for the good life so I assume if she wanted violin lessons to feature, they would.
I think the friend responded to the OP’s sanctimony with a dose of reality. I know the OP didn’t like it...but having read her posts, I haven’t got much by way of sympathy for her.

www-spiked--online-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.spiked-online.com/2006/08/23/when-did-hanging-around-become-a-social-problem/amp/?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQA#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.spiked-online.com%2F2006%2F08%2F23%2Fwhen-did-hanging-around-become-a-social-problem%2F

A few years old but still relevant? I hope none of these juvenile delinquents are playing hopscotch or ball games after 7p.m.!

Your friend is very very rude at the least.

My DH (aged 61) has recounted a story about when he was out on the streets when friends as a teenager and challenged by the police for sitting on a telephone box. The officer was not impressed when he explained that he and his friends explained they just wanted to see how many of them could sit on it at once. One of said friends is now a millionaire property investor, another influential in the community and former mayor of a prestigious town in England. Some people just don't want to fit into boxes and prefer to create their own entertainment with like minded friends.
Of course, there are different reasons for young people wanting to get out of the house and socialise with like minded peers. But it's not all about disfunctional families and lack of moral fibre.

I think she is right in a way . Teenagers do hang around o street corners /in parks / by shops because everything else costs money and they are bored. I think teenagers will rebel to some extent it's part of growing up. But I do agree that it isn't acceptable for them to undertake petty vandalism and misbehave. I think you are doing the best for your child. I think she probably didn't phrase it I the right way. I think sometimes you just have to brush things off. Or keep people who think you are a snob at arms length like others have suggested.

Ps I worked with young people for a long time and the teenage brain doesn't develop its decision making (think it's the frontal lobe) part until age 25 which is part of the reason they act the way they do x

OP, you sound alright to me. Your 'friend' sounds rude and ignorant.

"Check your privilege"??!! What a fucking cheek!

I tend to agree with her too. Admittedly, I live in Chav Town, and yes, lots of bored teens who get drunk in the park and do a bit of graffiti and make some noise now and again.

It is easy to judge the kids that don't behave so well as one's own, but it's well to remember that a lot have little to look forward to because they lack the opportunities. Just because hobbies are there, doesn't mean they're affordable. Just because you can encourage your dd to pursue music as a pastime doesn't mean that everyone can. How do you know what these particular children's home lives are like? Maybe they have parents who are always shouting, angry, violent? Maybe they'd rather spend the violin lesson money on frozen shit from Iceland which at least put food in bellies.

No sense comparing your childhood with theirs. The times have changed. Social expectations are completely different. Years and years of austerity politics have wrought so much damage on people's pride, dignity, sense of self.

So yes, try to be kinder towards the people around you who have so much less than you, they don't even have hope of better.

How many did fit, Devora? . I recall being chased out of the school toilets by an angry nun for the same experiment.
17 of us fit in the one cubicle. Sad that I still remember that, really.

Your missing the other point of hanging around as a teen. Just to be talking with your mates in your own space. You don't want to be doing a sport every hour of the day/entertained at a youth club etc.

You're.

One of my children drank in the park, it was not for the want of something else to do it was just what his friends did and he wanted to do the same. He also played a musical instrument and was involved in sport and other activities. It was about establishing his independence and doing something a bit rebellious. Well done to all of you whose children conformed and did their best to please you. I don't think it makes you a snob but perhaps you have earned the right to be smug. This young man just realised a bit too young that he was in control and was going to do as he chose. He would have called you a snob I think.

Most of us have drunk in parks (or fields, in my case). Some parents cared, some didn’t. Very, very few were unaware, though.

I hung around parks, I did not drink. But as a teenager I wanted to just talk to my friends. Like I do now. Rather than always doing organised activities. But you don't have your own house to invite friends to to just talk - all hanging around one bedroom really doesn't cut it for too many hours. You are too young to go to the pub, and coffee shops either do not open long enough, or young people do not have enough money, to hang around in them for many hours in a week. So the park or bus shelter it is.

This is why I’ve always had open house for my dc’s friends. Chaos at times, and doesn’t always work as their schools have a pan London intake so their friends aren’t exactly next door, but it works sometimes. Better than nothing.

Yes it can work. But not all teenagers have houses or friends have houses where they can truly hang out. I can remember going to friends houses as a group of friends and we might hang out in their bedroom for a few hours. But 5 or 6 of us hanging out in a small bedroom was too small a space for more than a few hours. So especially at the weekend we would head off elsewhere.

I grew up in the country and our school opened a senior center during the day and it was a place for teens fridays and saturdays.

I have never seen anyplace else do this but every place I've lived needed a place like this.

In the long run it helped so members of our community that it also saved money bc we didn't have much crime and our elderly were happy too.
8
If i had any power at all in the world. I would do this over and over again for every community.

Idk. OP. Teens need safe places to hangout.

Ever met teens or people who are from very difficult backgrounds, some of them hang round the streets because it’s safer than being at home. The stories told by some people I have worked with in a voluntary capacity will never be shared as they told me in confidence, but they are truly horrific and upsetting and so far removed from anything normal that people may struggle or not want to believe.

You friend was clumsy but what she said was not untrue unfortunately. Plus being from a council house may mean you grew up in social housing and were poor but sounds like your Mum really cared about you. I don’t like the phase check your privilege and that unfair but I think your naive.