Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm appalled that parents ask their child to lie about term time holidays.

223 replies

Soontobe60 · 09/08/2019 10:00

I've seen many threads on MN where parents ask about taking their children on holiday during term time. Will it be authorised? Will they be fined? Does it count as exceptional circumstances? Should I just phone in sick? My big concern is that by phoning in sick, the parents are then expecting their child to lie about the holiday before they go away, and then again on their return to school. I can't say how these parents coach their dcs in the lying but I can imagine it's something along the lines of 'The headteacher is really mean and won't let you come on holiday so we need to keep it a secret. Mummy might get fined and that wouldn't be fair. Remember, don't tell anyone.'

The pressure that child is then put under is huge, from the moment the lie is concocted until well after the holiday is over. I just can't see why a parent would do that to their child. It's tantamount to abuse. So many times I've seen children try to lie to staff or other children about their holiday and it's awful. I know they're lying, I know their parents are lying.

What then happens when that same child tells their parent a lie about something they may have done, and their parent tells them lying is wrong? What they actually mean is it's ok to lie if it stops mummy or daddy getting into trouble.

If you want to save money by going on holiday in term time then own it! Budget for getting the fine whilst you're budgeting for the actual holiday. Tell the school well in advance, and accept that it will most probably be unauthorised and may incur a fine.

Please, just don't make your child lie for you.

OP posts:
frogsoup · 09/08/2019 18:03

CarolDanvers me too. People this morally priggish make me feel like I'm on the set of Oranges are not the only Fruit.

frogsoup · 09/08/2019 18:06

And I have NEVER said to my kids that school rules don't apply to them. Where do you get this nonsense from?

MirzyMoo · 09/08/2019 18:07

Appalled are you @Soontobe60 Biscuit

Cohle · 09/08/2019 18:08

The vast majority of people manage to have "lovely times and experiences" with their children without taking them on term time holidays and being deceitful about it to avoid fines or, god forbid, "hassle".

Christ some people are precious. Doing whatever you want and teaching your kids to do likewise doesn't make you some kind of charming free-thinking maverick.

ElleDubloo · 09/08/2019 18:10

@CarolDanvers Maybe it’s the “limited thinking” and “suffocating” and “joyless” comments that are getting my goat. The implication being if I don’t go on holiday = I don’t have joy in my life? That’s what I find really depressing! I enjoy my every day: my evenings, my weekends, my stay-cations, and above all my work. My kids enjoy our local area: our home, garden, parks, swimming pools... and their school. The thought that some people spend 50 weeks a year just looking forward to going on holiday depresses me more than the thought of not going on holiday depresses you! We have an absolutely lovely time all year round, because we love each other’s company and we have the imagination to find cheap things to do locally! Smile

But then, I’ve never been a rebel and I’m happy with my lot in life! Smile

FishCanFly · 09/08/2019 18:11

A friend used to do it a lot. Now her kids are at private school she never does. Just shows you value what you pay for..

And you get more holidays, and you don't get fines.

FairyDust92 · 09/08/2019 18:11

🙄
Honestly I think you're over dramatising it... a holiday is 1 week - 2 weeks max, chill. There are bigger things to get your knickers in a twist over.

shrunkenhead · 09/08/2019 18:11

Like a previous poster said, I don't agree with asking a child to lie as it opens up a whole can of worms and messes with the parent/child dynamics and causes confusion. We teach children from the outset that lying is wrong and if an adult tells you to "keep a secret" then you don't.
As for fines, holiday costs etc etc, surely it's the attendance record that everyone is more concerned about, both teachers and parents. Most of us strive for the 100%attendance certificate....or that just me?!Hmm

Passthecherrycoke · 09/08/2019 18:14

I would be seriously worried if my adult children where so thick they couldn’t differentiate between lying to take holidays in school term and phoning in sick to their workplace to go on holiday

herculepoirot2 · 09/08/2019 18:14

I lied ultimately because it's easier all round. Unauthorised absence looks bad for the school and they have to send out ridiculous official letters after each instance. I'm not going to get fined for two days of unauthorised absence in seven years for kids who have between 98 and 100% attendance, so in reality unauthorised absence would have been no real skin off my nose. I also lied because the system is absurd and I refuse to buy into it.

What a load of coddy codswallop. You lied because it’s easier for YOU and makes YOU feel like you’re in the right. And then you dragged your kids into it. Nothing to be proud of there. Hmm

shrunkenhead · 09/08/2019 18:15

ElleDubloo exactly! I used to work with colleagues, who were grown adults, and would tick days off on a calendar on a "countdown" to their hols!?! I thought it was depressing as hell as when they'd return they'd start all over again counting down to the next year's hol!!!! Just enjoy your life fgs!

WarmthAndDepth · 09/08/2019 18:17

Apologies for not RTFT, but most children tell, it slips out one way or another and if they've been told to lie they tie themselves up in knots trying to back-pedal. As a teacher, I don't like seeing it.
Holidays are such an exciting thing, and it is natural for kids to want to share both the anticipation and the high of their return with their friends and teacher; asking them 'not to mention it' is a Herculean ask.
I also think it is poor to tell children that the system is 'stupid' and that it warrants lying for this reason, as a PP suggested. The system is stupid, as are lots of systems and rules, but it does children no favours seeing parents approach it like this. Young children can't differentiate between their school and the rule, and don't understand that the school doesn't make the rule. Watching parents bend or break rules is a very disconcerting experience for many children. But again, I would be the first to ditch the no-term-time-holiday rule, and give all families a holiday 'allowance' of three days p/a.

frogsoup · 09/08/2019 18:17

Why is it easier for me?

frogsoup · 09/08/2019 18:23

"Most of us strive for the 100%attendance certificate....or that just me?!hmm"

That's just you. Luckily our school agrees with me that attendance certs are discriminatory and immoral. If they didn't, I would tell my kids that attendance certificates reward the luck of the draw in being healthy and having parents who want you to be in school, and that I want nothing to do with them. But hey, it's me who is the moral reprobate apparently.

Letseatgrandma · 09/08/2019 18:24

Most of us strive for the 100%attendance certificate....or that just me?!

I can honestly say that I have never strived for an 100% attendance certificate.

I think the whole thing is quite unpleasant and a backward step towards inclusion for any child with additional needs or health complications.

I would go so far as to sack our ‘attendance officer’ -who gets paid more than an NQT- and I would use the money to hire family support workers instead to support families in difficulty, rather than hound them, like she does.

Baguetteaboutit · 09/08/2019 18:28

I couldn't give a shit about 100% attendance. I wish more parents felt similarly and didn't drag their contagious kids into school to get a certificate and a mars bar some time in July.

Fragalino · 09/08/2019 18:29

Blame the system op. Hmm

A system where parents can not control when they want their own family holiday!!

It's atrocious and it's poor families who are hit the hardest.
It's disgusting.
On the other hand it's good for children to see that the state doesn't own us

We can do what we feel we need.

Fragalino · 09/08/2019 18:31

100% attendance is awful. Yes as lighthearted, aim but for the dc with on going heath issues, multiple docs app etc not fair at all.

bluebluezoo · 09/08/2019 18:31

Sorry but some people really can’t afford holidays unless they are in term time

I can't afford holidays. So we don't go. Holidays are nice, but they aren't an essential.

I often find when people say they can't afford holidays unless it's in term time, they mean they can't afford the holiday they want unless it's term time. If their budget is 1.5k, for example, they could easily do eurocamp or similar at home or abroad, but they want AI in the canaries or the balearics.

If we want a more expensive holiday we will go every two or three years instead. You don't have to holiday every year, you do what suits your budget.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 09/08/2019 18:32

I would go so far as to sack our ‘attendance officer’ -who gets paid more than an NQT-

I deal with our attendance (as well as a myriad of other things). I get the same hourly rate as a TA but work less hours, I’d love to earn the same as an NQT!

Fragalino · 09/08/2019 18:33

Warmth the way my dd outstanding primary has conducted itself over the years has already made my dd a cynic and wised up to total Injustice.
Supposedly a moral upstanding school

NailsNeedDoing · 09/08/2019 18:34

The sad thing is, teachers ime generally understand why parents take their children out of school during term time, even when it is inconvenient for us for various reasons, and even when your child is struggling so much that they really do need every day at school they can get. Honestly, we get it, we wish we could do the same and and get the cheaper holidays too.

But when parents lie to us, and worse, try and get their children to lie, we just think they're a twat.

Would you still have the same level of respect for someone that had disrespected you and lied (badly) to your face? No, probably not.

micah · 09/08/2019 18:42

Never got a fine, her attendance is otherwise good, and she passed her exams with flying colours - I even asked her teacher for work we could take with us

I have many teacher friends and they all hate the attitude that some parents have - oh it's ok we're taking her out of school, we're taking work with us.

Who is it do you think has to make time in their already overworked schedule to sit and set work? Yes the same teachers whose class you disrupt taking your child out.

Passthecherrycoke · 09/08/2019 18:44

We went on a family holiday last year and rented a barn in suffolk. The children were taken out of school 1 day early. The barn was £1500 cheaper. Honestly, very few people would pay £1500 rather than miss the last day of term

Also, it’s ok to peg holidays as Unnecessary but when the parents work full time, weekends are full of activities and long drives to visit grandparents, Christmas is a whirlwind of organising things and so on, a week or 2 away as a family is very precious. Non negotiable for us

ElleDubloo · 09/08/2019 18:46

@Fragalino

I can’t believe you wrote this:
*A system where parents can not control when they want their own family holiday!!

It's atrocious and it's poor families who are hit the hardest.
It's disgusting.
On the other hand it's good for children to see that the state doesn't own us
We can do what we feel we need.*

This is wrong on so many levels and absolutely not what I want to be teaching my children. Can I ask, do you work? If you work, you must have some understanding that you can’t always do what you want, when you want?

Why do you think “poor families are hit the hardest”? If you can’t afford to go on holiday, just don’t. No big loss. Instead of sitting on a hot beach getting fat, maybe your children would benefit from playing in the park with you and visiting local museums? I’m not sure what “hit” you’re referring to, and what you find particularly “disgusting”?