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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guilt ridden grandparent

182 replies

Iloveliberty · 07/08/2019 23:42

Help, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter lives at home with her boyfriend and has just announced she is pregnant. I love her dearly but she has always been my difficult child and I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her. They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything. I work part time in a job I love and am too young to give up work, but I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old. They are hoping to move into a flat by Christmas time but I honestly can’t see how they are going to afford to set up a home, prepare for a baby and then pay for child care if I say I can’t commit to that. I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver. Is that incredibly selfish? I’m so torn and am agonizing over how best to discuss it with them as my daughter just blows up if things don’t go her way. Her boyfriend is a lovely guy but only has casual work at present.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 07/08/2019 23:45

What? Your daughter expects you to give up work for free childcare? She’s being ridiculous! Does she work? What age is she?

pinkunicornsparkles · 07/08/2019 23:47

Your daughter should not expect you to fulfil the role of parent to her child. It is not a grandparents responsibility to do all the things you have listed. YANBU, your daughter is taking the piss.

Bambamber · 07/08/2019 23:48

You can be a fantastic nana without committing to so much childcare. What do they propose you do for money if you're providing the childcare?

SusieSusieSoo · 07/08/2019 23:53

Op if you can offer some help then do, but not at the expense of yourself/your job etc. DM is retired but has hobbies. Straight away she said she'd do one day (no hobby day) and help out if dc Poorly & couldn't go to nursery. I knew where I stood & she knew where she stood.

If they are on low income they may well get help with childcare costs but you have to be very clear with them that this is their dc and not yours so their issue to solve & their sacrifices to make not yours. Good luck op I'm sure you'll be a brilliant nana xx

Original poster
Iloveliberty · 07/08/2019 23:56

Thank you so much for your replies. She is 24 and I don’t think she’s even considered the fact I’d have to give up paid employment. I think she assumes that I’d jump at the chance to be so actively involved.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 08/08/2019 00:02

Does she have a job or are they both feckless? Tell her now you’ll help where you can but you need to work. She blows up if she doesn’t get her way? I’m sorry but your DD sounds like a nasty user, get them to move out ASAP and get your life back, do you have a DP?

1stmonkey · 08/08/2019 00:08

Good god, run for the hills!!
No, you absolutely should not be committing to that level of childcare, or any chilcare, unless it's 100% what you want to do. She's being wicked to expect it.
You can be a wonderful, dedicated and involved grandparent without taking on a parental role. Your daughter needs to grow up!
Honestly, i think this is your chance. You really must set out your stall now. Think about what kind of relationship you want with your daughter and grandchild long term and be clear about it. If you back down now i fear you will end up being constantly relied upon/taken advantage of. Your daughter needs to understand that she and her partner are responsible for the child's every need, every day, and that they cannot expect you to take on that responsibility.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2019 00:09

Just tell her plainly that you cannot afford to not work. If they want this baby, thry either pay for childcare or one of them gives up work. If she works full time and he's casual, then it looks like he's in th best position to be a sahp.

Just keep it simple - you cannot afford to not work

Likeazombi · 08/08/2019 00:18

She's a cheeky mare.
I had my son at 23, I was living with family when I got pregnant and made sure I was out before baby was born.
My mum has helped me a great deal with my ds but I would never have dreamed of asking for so much as your daughter has.
I paid £150 a week nursery fees so I could work and my mum helped my out one day a week my work fell outside of normal hours.
My ds still has a great relationship with my mum, but more importantly he has a brilliant well bonded relationship with me because I have always been his main carer.
They need to work it out between them.
Assuming you wouldn't work if you didn't need to, don't give up your job to take on their responsibilities.
She is rude to even ask so much from you.

WeaselsRising · 08/08/2019 00:20

I told my DS from the outset that while I will help out where I can with my DGD, I have only just gone full-time after years of being part time around the school run, and I cannot and will not provide regular childcare.
If you are upfront then you all know where you stand. Your DD is an adult and her childcare is her problem, not yours.

Likeazombi · 08/08/2019 00:21

Ps I was a single parent before my ds was a year old, still didn't even imagine putting any of that on my mum, there's two of them, they need to work with each other not rely on people who are done raising kids

Isadora2007 · 08/08/2019 00:24

No

It’s a complete sentence you know.

PurpleWithRed · 08/08/2019 00:27

Good grief 3-4 days a week? No. Time they grew up.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2019 00:33

Jesus Christ, op, STOP ENABLING THEM.

justasking111 · 08/08/2019 00:33

You have to say no. My children gave me five grandchildren in four years. How do you pick and choose between them. I help out on my terms, we still have one child still at home. I was also still working when they started arriving. OH and I are kind of looking forward to youngest going to uni. and having a bit of peace ourselves. We have been raising children for 39 years.

You have given them a roof over their heads up till now, it is time they grew up.

NCpreggo · 08/08/2019 00:35

That's crazy to expect - and I can't believe she has asked that of you. Very rude/cheeky! I would never ask for childcare from my mother - it's not her responsibility.

You can still have a great relationship with your grandkid if you provide no childcare at all - you can still do lots with them, going places etc but allowing the parents to do the parenting!

You need to start as you mean to go on with this as once you start, or do something "just for now', it'll be very hard to stop - particularly if your daughter is so manipulative.

I know someone in a similar situation - she I basically a co-parent and has been for years, she is guilt tripped at every turn and when the kids are old enough the guilt tripping comes through them, from the mother of course (e.g. she tells them what to say, or "oh but wouldn't you love it if gran took you on holiday"...kid of course says yes and then goes on about it).

Also if/when your DD has another kid, if you've been doing childcare for this one she will say the other needs the same. My friend has this way been roped into, so far, 9 years of childcare at 3 days per week minimum, plus she sees them every day (they always turn up at meal times and expect to be cooked for). The childcare for her won't be stopping any time soon. She has aged immensely in those years and her own health and mobility have declined because of it.

Don't do it!!

pallisers · 08/08/2019 00:35

I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver

of course you do. This is perfectly normal. It isn't normal to plan a baby when you aren't living independently and can't support yourselves - your dd needs to wise up as does her boyfriend.

Honestly I think you need to sit down with your daughter and have a reality check chat with her.

Tell her outright that you are not giving up your job so forget that.
Tell her now she is pregnant, her and boyfriend being financially independent and living away from you is an imperative and how is she planning for that and when will she be moving out.

You may dodge the free childcare but my guess is she will bring the baby home to your house and you will be expected to support them - unless you act now. Boyfriend needs to seriously up his game.

And listen - if she blows up, she blows up. Take it on the chin and tell her you won't change your mind. She needs to be in your home. You don't need her to be in yours. I know exactly what you mean by emotionally manipulated. The only way to deal with this is weather the storm

Lou573 · 08/08/2019 00:36

OP, my mum is retired and I wouldn’t expect her to give up her time to look after my kids. She does one day because she enjoys it and I’m grateful, but it’s absolutely her prerogative not to.

Original poster
Iloveliberty · 08/08/2019 00:37

When ever I’ve read this sort of post I’ve thought Oh for heavens sake just say no! But now I’m in this position i just feel anxious and am dreading my daughters reaction . I know she’s going to say I don’t care about her baby etc. which is so far from the truth!

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 08/08/2019 00:39

Say no op. My own DF has been used as an unpaid overworked babysitter by Dsis. 3 kids later and she pans them off to 3 different relatives so she can go out with friends. She also blows up if things don't go her way. Its causing nothing but tension within the family.

Nomorechickens · 08/08/2019 00:42

Decide what you can and would like to offer (if anything) and offer it. Eg one day a week on a certain day, or 2 days a week but only on days when they are both working, or two half days. If the boyfriend is not working he can do childcare. Make it clear you will not be doing childcare by default just because you happen to be at home.
Then sit them both down and have a serious talk about budgeting. And start taking money for their board (you can save it for the baby if you feel inclined to but don't feel obliged to)
Otherwise you will be keeping the whole family for life...

Likeazombi · 08/08/2019 00:43

She will say that to manipulate you.
She sounds quite immature and I say that as someone not particularly mature who had a baby same age as your daughter.
They need to stand on their own feet, was this baby planned do you think? Either way it is wrong to expect you to take on more than you want to.
Offer one day if you can and are able to, end of discussion. She's got a lot of growing up to do.

TheFairyCaravan · 08/08/2019 00:43

It's not selfish to not give up your life so that your daughter can continue hers. At the end of the day the baby is their responsibility not yours so don't feel guilty about not being the free child care. You can still be a very involved nana without this.

Our children are 22&24 and I've already told them I'm not being the free childcare much to DS2's girlfriend's disgust. I'm qualified in childcare, but too unwell to work, so if I could look after a baby all day I'd be out getting paid to do so. We'll babysit when necessary but that's as far as it goes.

WhyTho · 08/08/2019 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 08/08/2019 00:57

When I got pregnant with my first daughter my mum sat me down and said something along the lines of.....I've raised my kids and the reward for me when you have kids is I get to be a Nanna without all of the responsibilities. I don't want to ever resent having my grandchildren so please don't expect me to be a regular childcare provider.

I completely understood and appreciated her honesty. You are not there to look after her kids. You have done thay already.