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AIBU?

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Original poster

Guilt ridden grandparent

182 replies

Iloveliberty · 07/08/2019 23:42

Help, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter lives at home with her boyfriend and has just announced she is pregnant. I love her dearly but she has always been my difficult child and I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her. They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything. I work part time in a job I love and am too young to give up work, but I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old. They are hoping to move into a flat by Christmas time but I honestly can’t see how they are going to afford to set up a home, prepare for a baby and then pay for child care if I say I can’t commit to that. I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver. Is that incredibly selfish? I’m so torn and am agonizing over how best to discuss it with them as my daughter just blows up if things don’t go her way. Her boyfriend is a lovely guy but only has casual work at present.

OP posts:
verticality · 08/08/2019 07:41

Something a very wise woman once told me, which is good advice:

Setting boundaries is hard and is liable to provoke an initial reaction from the person who has previously overrun them. Stay calm, and be gentle but firm, and give them time to adjust to the 'new normal', which will be a shock to them.

You don't do kids any favours shielding them from the pressures of real life, because at some point they have to stand on their own two feet. My sister was shielded from everything until her mid 30s and is now really struggling to cope - her reactions to everything are bonkers because she's basically a 21 year old in experience in a 39 year old's body.

stucknoue · 08/08/2019 07:44

If you work part time, offering to look after the baby one or 2 days a week would be a good compromise, tell her you need to work. Her dp will need to step up and get a proper job plus they should use the benefits calculator, they may get some help towards the cost if they are low income

lastqueenofscotland · 08/08/2019 07:45

Threads like this sort of piss me off. You’ve let an adult live like a small child and now are surprised at the consequences. WHY aren’t they paying anything. Kick them both out now.

lonelyheartsclubband · 08/08/2019 07:49

Jesus. I had my first at 17, and within 6 months I'd moved out with his Dad and private rented. By your daughters age I was pregnant with a second child. Why on earth does she even think that's acceptable? Why can't her partner look after the child if he only has "casual work"?

You're the parent. Take control of the situation.

user1480880826 · 08/08/2019 07:49

You’ve been treating your adult daughter like a child and these are the consequences.

She is absolutely taking the piss.

Do not give up your job and don’t let her guilt you into doing something you will resent her for.

They shouldn’t be having a baby if they can’t manage their own lives. Your daughters partner needs to get a proper job and your daughter needs to grow up. You can help by treating them both like adults.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:49

You could ask the BF to pay rent or move out within four weeks.

If they can’t afford housing, they can’t afford to live together.

And have a straight talk with DD about her personal future. In all likelihood she will be a single parent, reliant on the state. Suggest to her that she investigates her housing options and benefits.

Even if you allow her and her baby to live in your home, I would make clear that childcare help would be occasional.

Morgan12 · 08/08/2019 07:50

How does she think you will pay your bills and eat if you give up work?

I'd help out on my days off for sure but it's ridiculous for her to expect you to stop working!

boomboom1234 · 08/08/2019 07:52

I would think about what you are prepared to do. Would you want to do anything? If you work part time would you want the responsibility of offering to help one day or maybe two days? If the answer is no then that is completely fair enough!

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:53

IMO OP doing any regular childcare would just enable her DD to continue as she is, behaving like a child. And she will HAVE a child.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/08/2019 07:59

Bloody hell OP

It's not that you dont want to help. Its that you can't afford to! 3 - 4 days a week is the majority of parenting!

I would offer what I could (maybe 1 day if you work PT?) And if they do ther same plus her bf family maybe they will only have to pay for one day at nursery

If they are a low income family they would get nursery help when the baby was 2 anyway.

She isn't just asking for a bit of help she is asking you to give up your job and raise her baby! I cant believe she even asked! Does she have any additional needs?

KUGA · 08/08/2019 08:06

You have done your parenting.
She needs to grow up and take responsibility for the situation she has put herself in.
Why should you give up a job you enjoy,which also gives you an income your daughter is happy for you to loose.
Selfish cow.

lovelookslikethis · 08/08/2019 08:10

Op, I am afraid this it is time for your dd and her bf to stand on their own two feet with some background support from you.

Yes you can help, support her, yes you can babysit, but you can not give up your own life to facilitate hers any longer.

The answer needs to be no, and her boyfriend now needs to step and find a proper permanent job to support his child, and his dp.

You can do the odd day if you can, but you certainly can not give up your own job. They are never going to learn to be responsible parents/adults until and unless you make it clear that childcare needs to be arranged for their child.

leckford · 08/08/2019 08:11

Sadly people still produce children with no idea about how they will pay for them

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 08/08/2019 08:15

You aren’t under any obligation although we are very grateful for any help we get (annual childcare for a few days so we can have a break and some babysitting now and then).
You can say an outright no, you could say yes but only on a Monday. Try to deliver it with love and you can’t go wrong.

Loveislandaddict · 08/08/2019 08:16

Do they work? Where do they get their money from? Are they expecting you to provide funding?

vertically advice on setting boundaries is a good advice.

You need to be firm now. She’s the parent of this baby, not you, and needs to start acting like one now.

She may create and have a tantrum, but that’s her problem, not yours. It doesn’t Mean you don’t love her.

Beesandcheese · 08/08/2019 08:17

Even if you can afford to tell her you can't afford to give up paid work. You both need to improve your boundaries it doesn't sound a healthy living situation if they are dependent on you.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 08/08/2019 08:19

You say that she has always been your difficult child and I’d bet that you have often walked on eggshells to avoid upsetting her and accommodated her by doing things you don’t really want to do, to avoid rocking the boat. I speak from experience.

Are you frightened that if you refuse, she’ll refuse you access to the grandchild. Well, she might. But you will be making a rod for your back if you give in to these unreasonable demands. She and her boyfriend have conceived this child. He or she is their responsibility and you are not. You have a job that pays the bills and a life. Please don’t give that up because you will be taken for granted. Again, I speak from experience.

StCharlotte · 08/08/2019 08:20

I think you need to brace yourself for the mother (pun intended) of all tantrums from your DD when you tell her no but be strong and let/make her (AND her DP) grow up!

Rachie1973 · 08/08/2019 08:22

I have 7 small grandchildren. I would never be able to help them all. More to the point I have no desire to! I love my kids but I am not their maid/childminder/cleaner etc.

My youngest shocked us all by getting pregnant and having a baby at 16. Of course, still living here. We had a chat where she was told I will support her, advise her when she wants and generally teach her but I would not be raising her child. I have raised my children, I want my time too. She’s 17 now, and is moving out at the end of September. She’s a confident and capable parent. It’ll be tight for her and partner, but she chose this.

You know you have to be strong xxx

ineedaholidaynow · 08/08/2019 08:26

Is the boyfriend planning to get a better job?

Pineapplefish · 08/08/2019 08:29

They're expecting you to give up your job to provide childcare when her partner doesn't have a proper job himself? Why can't he look after the baby?

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 08/08/2019 08:29

Are you scared of your dd? That’s not a great way to live. You should be able to say no to her, and she should realise that she’s being very unreasonable.

She and her p should be paying rent too, and contributing to the running of the house.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/08/2019 08:33

What’s both their working situation- if they’ve lived with you without constituting for a while they should have some savings?

cookieoclock · 08/08/2019 08:36

Why is she planning to go back to work so soon after the baby is born? Most women manage 9 months off now that there is paid maternity leave for that length of time (I managed it as a single parent on SMP).

I only had 3 months off due to being self employed and wanted to keep a client base. And stat mat allowance is even less so I couldn’t afford 9 months off, even I was able to.
Everyone’s circumstances are different.

Really, at 24 she needs to get her life together. She’s having a baby, she needs to provide for it. You should not feel guilty about not wanting to provide so much childcare.
Tell her honestly, and if she sulks, let her sulk.

CrotchetyQuaver · 08/08/2019 08:36

Say no and tell them you want them moved out and living elsewhere by the beginning of October at the same time. They are a pair of pisstakers and it'll only get worse when the baby comes.