Guilt ridden grandparent

[Iloveliberty]

Help, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter lives at home with her boyfriend and has just announced she is pregnant. I love her dearly but she has always been my difficult child and I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her. They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything. I work part time in a job I love and am too young to give up work, but I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old. They are hoping to move into a flat by Christmas time but I honestly can’t see how they are going to afford to set up a home, prepare for a baby and then pay for child care if I say I can’t commit to that. I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver. Is that incredibly selfish? I’m so torn and am agonizing over how best to discuss it with them as my daughter just blows up if things don’t go her way. Her boyfriend is a lovely guy but only has casual work at present.

My DD is expecting her first in feb i have 3 other dgc, ive already told her which nurseries are best for when she returns to work i will help out obv but not give up my life

YANBU. You have a household to keep running! They can’t expect you to give up your job for full time childcare, especially for nothing.
Her partner now needs to get up and find himself a decent job to provide for his baby.

What they say to you, @Iloveliberty

BTW - Liberty is a lovely name for the baby - offer her 1 day care in return for naming baby your gransnet name?
Good luck whatever you decide.

You need to be firm here. My parents often help me out during holidays but it’s never expected. They have made it clear that they don’t want the tie of regular childcare and that’s fine by me. And it is a massive tie - you can’t go on holidays when you want or accept invitations etc (and that’s even if you are retired). If you help one child like this then there will be an expectation for other grandchildren that will be very difficult.

It sounds like your daughter would ultimately benefit from you taking a tough stance on this. Ultimately she and her partner need to support their family. Ideally they would have considered it properly before conception. But even if it wasn’t planned, it is her problem, not yours and you are doing her no favours by allowing her to shirk financial responsibility.

My goodness me, YANBU - she certainly is. She has chosen to have a child, she cannot expect you to give up paid work to be her unpaid nanny! She should be thanking her lucky stars that her and her boyfriend have lived at your home for free! She's also very lucky to have a mum who will be a terrific grandparent to their baby (and who will, I assume, babysit from time to time). My mum died 10 months before my first child was born. I would have loved to be able to share my daughter (and my son a few years later) with her, but I certainly wouldn't have expected her to give up work to be my childminder (and I didn't ask my dad either!). Sounds like she needs to grow up. I'm afraid you're going to have a tough conversation with her. She won't like it, but it's tough! Good luck

Well done, OP. Hope your DD responded graciously and said thank you for the offer of a day, rather than blowing up.