Guilt ridden grandparent

[Iloveliberty]

Help, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter lives at home with her boyfriend and has just announced she is pregnant. I love her dearly but she has always been my difficult child and I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her. They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything. I work part time in a job I love and am too young to give up work, but I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old. They are hoping to move into a flat by Christmas time but I honestly can’t see how they are going to afford to set up a home, prepare for a baby and then pay for child care if I say I can’t commit to that. I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver. Is that incredibly selfish? I’m so torn and am agonizing over how best to discuss it with them as my daughter just blows up if things don’t go her way. Her boyfriend is a lovely guy but only has casual work at present.

better. It was better for the parents and child but also better for wider society which is now suffering greatly from the millennial generation

ODFO. I’m the ‘millennial generation’. I’m 34 with three DC under 6 and have never asked for, nor received, a day of childcare from my parents. We do spend a lot of time with my mum as we get on well, but she is busy with her own job/friends/hobbies etc, as it should be. We pay for her to come on holiday with us once a year. My ‘millenial’ friends all have similar dynamics with their parents, and organise their own paid childcare.

My DD moved back to her home town when DGD was coming up to 2. Her cocklodger of a partner left her 48 hours before the move, despite claiming he wanted it, too. She took on a full time job that involved weekend work and we ended up with DGD every other weekend. She barely knew us, as they had previously lived 500 miles away. She was too little, we were too strange and we both worked. I was also driving 180 miles over the weekend and I was exhausted. Finally, DD admitted defeat and got herself a part time job elsewhere. Had she been nearer to us, we might have been able to keep helping a bit more, but it was very tying, I work some weekends and it was too much. You can be a great nana without doing all the childcare, especially if it would mean you giving up work. My DD was furious, tearful and I felt hellish, but I was cracking under the weight of her expectations. Helping out is one thing, but I have done my child rearing and have no wish to start again now. I'm afraid you just have to tell her this.

Oh dear. As you have said you've somewhat enabled this. However you are under no obligation to provide any care. If you can offer one day then do but explain to her that you cannot give up your job to do this.

She will be hormonal so do expect some ruffled feathers, especially if she is usually like this.

I am afraid your daughter is going to have to realise that she is the parent now and has to solve all the problems.

Boyfriend needs to step up and find a more permanent role pronto.

No way! She's 24 and pregnant, not 14!!!!

They're both living under your roof for free and she expects you to provide free childcare too?!!! Absolutely no way!

This baby has two parents. It's up to them to sort their situation out, not you.

DO NOT give up a job you love because they created a baby without thinking how they would manage and they need some tough love and to quite frankly, grow up!

That’s not going to work for me, I really like my job and I need the money, I’d be really vulnerable if I gave up work.
I’d really like to help where I can, shall we look for childcare together?
Just stick to it calmly. Very calm, very clear.
If she gets upset it’s because she is upset, and you can be empathetic, but it’s practicality and kind firmness that will be best for both of you. Good luck! X

OP, I am a granny. DD and her partner moved in when she got pregnant, moved out when baby was 12 months. She now has a second child. It;s hard, because one wants to help, but there is, as others have said, a line between helping and enabling, and its worth taking the time now to set boundaries.

It is not selfish to want ones own life, as retirement nears, to want ones own holidays, and not to be guilt-tripped into having ones own free time curtailed My DD chose to have her children when frankly their financial situation is dire, and it's not my job to bail her out in terms of my money and/or my time: they are her children, not mine!! It sounds like your DD is good at getting her own way: as are they all, lets face it, but maybe now is the time to decide on your boundaries and stick to them!

YANBU. Just kindly explain that it is not possible and the most you can do is .... eg one day per week/occasional babysitting......Explain that you need to continue working to live and to ensure you have a pension. Again gently but firmly emphasise that the baby is her responsibility and she will need to make other arrangements for childcare. Just be assertive and try not to get to drawn into any argument. Be assertive and repeat until she gets the message.

I am assuming op you need to work, pensions, state and work need paying, bills paid etc.

Perhaps get your bills and sit down and show her what you have to pay and say, actually, whilst I love you being here I was actually thinking of starting to ask for small contribution to bills, not give up work.

Gently and kindly explain these things to her. If your adult child has no idea what bills are, what living costs... Blame yourself.

I can't understand posters who come out with the, chuck her out lazy bitch get into the the real world...

My dd is 12 for years I show her where we get the money to go out from, whose wage covers what. Mortgage, credit cards. How we save to do things, save slowly, and build up ££ to do nice things

She's very plugged into the money side of our household. Eg we have had sofa we hate for 5 years longer than could bare it, told dd I could buy one on credit but we are not going to. We will save for new one.

She's also got little bank book she's had for years, she doesn't really get Xmas or holiday money from relatives but I put in money every month, encourage save half, spend half and I've also got her playing on ocado app to do a food shop.

Because you can shop and watch it adding up without buying... To give an idea of that.

My own dm was a bit like some pp on here in that she never explained anything or showed me anything but would just nag about bills. Dc need to be taught these things which is why I'm laying ground work for dd!

Anyway op, sorry I went off piste there just gently explain things to her.

Childcare is incredibly expensive and unless the two of them get their act together im not sure how they will afford it. This might mean that you end up having them live with you even once the baby is here. You need to have a conversation with your dd. She is absolutely wrong to demand you give up work to look after her child so that she can work. She needs to get her act together and start planning for her family.

Wow, she sounds like a brat!

I was 17 when I fell pregnant with my eldest child, my parents wanted me to have an abortion, when I refused, they made it quite clear we would have to move out into our own place as "they had done their baby years" as they put it.

Anyway, aged 18 and our Son was born. We'd moved into our own little privately rented house a month before he was due (to enable us to save as much money as possible to furnish the place) and have always stood on our own feet as much as possible.
I didn't go back to work, due to the cost of childcare but my partner worked full time and we got some help from housing benefit.
My point being....we NEVER expected either of our parents to share the load.

Your daughter needs to grow up, 24 is not young! Make it clear they need to start saving now to move out and that you won't be able to provide full childcare. Good luck!

@Iloveliberty explain to your DD that you can't afford to give up work and suggest a childminder.
I did full time childcare for DGS3 but that was because I'd retired at 60. I wouldn't have given up work to do so.

Also make sure she and her partner move out before the baby is born or you will be stuck with the childminding whether you want to or not. She sounds selfish and self entitled - time for some rather overdue tough love Op.

OP - your DD and her BF are living with you rent-free, and now expect you to care for their child 50% of the time - and you think you are being selfish to say NO?

Fucksake. I'm willing to bet your DD has never heard the word NO.

As an adult, it's time she learned to stand on her own two feet, and look after herself and her offspring. It is not your responsibility, hard as it is to turn your own child out, esp when pregnant. But you need to set reasonable, rigid and defined boundaries, or this child will become her blackmail tool of choice.

I wouldn't have let him move in to start with.
I'd write them a letter to take down to the homeless section of the council. They are just sponging off you.

I'd kick him out today, hes nothing to do with you and has a real cheek.With your daughter I just tell her I wasn't going to do childminding and she'll have to make other arrangements. Also she needs to be paying you her keep until she gets someplace else.

She's being ridiculous. I also got pregnant at 24 (DD is 6 months old now). Me and partner, who weren't exactly on great wages managed to scrape together enough for a deposit on a house during my pregnancy. We were in a month before I gave birth. My mum has my daughter for a few hours one day a week (literally so I can just catch up on house work/go out child free if I want and she gets to bond with her GD) and it works for us. When I go back to work, we're planning on me and DP working opposite shifts for two days, me working a shorter shift one day and my mum having her the other day (I'm dropping my hours down to 20 p/w), until she's in nursery.

Your daughter needs to realise she isn't a child anymore and get her shit together. I probably wouldn't take money off her now if she's saving for a place but she needs to be saving for one. Her and her partner need to live very very modestly until the baby is born, saving every penny they can. You need to make it clear that you cannot afford to give up work (even if you can, don't) and while you can have her a day or two a week, anything more is ridiculous and that's what a nursery/her DP is for.

You're already being a great mum by helping them, but I'd say now is the time to stop to a certain extent. You can still help and be there, and if your finances allow you could help with baby things and whatnot, but she needs to stand on her own two feet and continuing to enable them is just encouraging them to take advantage of you. Her bf needs to get a full time job, even if it's a job he doesn't want to do. She needs to work a ft job. They need to be throwing money in a savings account like no tomorrow. If they live with you and pay no expenses, there's no reason why they can't save over half their wage each month, if not more.

Just how do they expect you to live, if you give up work to do their childcare for free?
And if they really haven't considered that, then they're not mature enough to go out in public on their own, let alone have a baby.

@SoyDora fellow millennial here (35, as is DH) we pay for childcare. DS still sees grandparents and has fun with them. Seems a fairly normal dynamic amongst friends.

I think lots of people forget most millennials are in our 30s!

Depending on their income then they will be eligible for benefits including a considerable amount of the childcare costs- feel no guilt.

I would support them to move into a flat just before the baby is born and then benefits will kicks in once it arrives. She mustn't forget to claim the maternity allowance.

You have to put your foot down OP and do it now while she has time to sort out alternative arrangements.

Broken record technique is your friend here. When your daughter starts ranting and raving, keep repeating,
"I can't mind your child as I have to go to work. I cannot afford to give up my job."
"I can't mind your child as I have to go to work. I cannot afford to give up my job."
"I can't mind your child as I have to go to work. I cannot afford to give up my job."
ad infinitum until she gets the message.

And you should ask her where they are going to live when the baby is born too.

I know now I’ve enabled this so in her defense it’s just as much my fault

Stop making excuses for her. Sit down and think what you want or need from this situation, write it down if necessary, and keep repeating it to her. She may blow up - that’s her being allowed to be a child, most adults don’t behave like this.

She is about to be a parent herself and needs to grow up fast. Ideally, you could sit down together and discuss / write down a plan of action - this is an adult way of taking this forward.

Sit the pair of them down. Tell them they are now fully fledged grown ups with responsibility for another human on the way. The free ride has stopped and they, like every other set of parents, need to find somewhere to live, get themselves sorted with work and fund their own lives. Tell them the bank of mum and dad has closed and there is no way you are giving up your job. You can tell them this without being confrontational. Don't offer to mind the baby for one or two days either. You keep your job. You can babysit for them if you wish, for a night out, but don't commit to anything else or they will see you as a soft touch and most likely assume you will simply do more than you are letting on. You have reared your kids. You have done way more than most parents by allowing your dd and her partner to scrounge off you for far too long. Time for them to fly the nest and fend for themselves.

Don't offer to mind the baby for one or two days either.

YES YES to this! Because that will be the green light for them to wheedle their way into getting you to do it more than that. Plus evening babysitting for them to "have a life" because otherwise "it's not fay-err!"
You seem to have raided an entitled child. Stop enabling her now, otherwise you will be saddled with this for life.

I have gradually given in to her demands, so I really only have myself to blame for the situation I am in now.

Please don't blame yourself. On Mumsnet its ALWAYS the mothers (unless there is a stepmother then it's her fault😂) but in the real world it's the person who is being badly behaved who is in the wrong.

I would also say that you can't. Lie if you need to. Say you are actually thing of increasing your hours.

Good luck. It's a difficult situation.

You have allowed this girl to walk all over you. How can she learn to take on adult responsibilities while you let her contribute nothing?

That's a bit harsh, Confused. OP realises the problem and needs support.