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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guilt ridden grandparent

182 replies

Iloveliberty · 07/08/2019 23:42

Help, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter lives at home with her boyfriend and has just announced she is pregnant. I love her dearly but she has always been my difficult child and I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her. They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything. I work part time in a job I love and am too young to give up work, but I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old. They are hoping to move into a flat by Christmas time but I honestly can’t see how they are going to afford to set up a home, prepare for a baby and then pay for child care if I say I can’t commit to that. I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver. Is that incredibly selfish? I’m so torn and am agonizing over how best to discuss it with them as my daughter just blows up if things don’t go her way. Her boyfriend is a lovely guy but only has casual work at present.

OP posts:
EllenMP · 09/08/2019 19:22

I would offer a compromise, like 1 or 2 days a week depending on your work schedule. It's absurd to ask you to give up work, but I'm sure you do want to help out. If your daughter plans to work she will have to find a childminder for the rest, like everyone else. Or the boyfriend can work when you or your daughter are home.

jacks11 · 09/08/2019 19:26

You should not feel guilty for not giving up work to provide free childcare for your grandchild. This is not your problem to fix. If your DD and her DP are responsible enough to ha e a baby, they are able to arrange appropriate childcare. If they can’t, they have no business having a baby.

You shouldn’t feel guilty. You should be horrified your daughter is so entitled, or cross that she is so self-centred that hasn’t thought about the implications for you if giving up paid employment to act as unpaid childcare. You can be a good nana without having to provide practically full time childcare.

deleteandrewind · 09/08/2019 19:27

Of course YANBU. She's being incredibly selfish and sounds immature.

It was very irresponsible to plan a pregnancy (you haven't mentioned it was unplanned) when they aren't even living independently nor making any contribution to bills at your home.
Her partner needs to get a proper job and they should move out.

It sounds as if you have done too much for them already and she now just expects more.

fedup21 · 09/08/2019 19:28

Why hasn't she realised you'd have to give up your job? I don't understand

This!

And if she hasn’t realised, why haven’t you spelt it out to her?

7salmonswimming · 09/08/2019 19:33

Children having children.

Now is the time to explain she has to shape up and take responsibility for her child like you took responsibility for yours. Being a daughter doesn’t absolve her of being a parent.

Brideof2020 · 09/08/2019 19:47

Ask your DD how you pay your mortgage/ rent, council tax, gas / electric, feed yourself, clothe yourself with no income coming in - because you would have to give up paid work to look after her child.

If that doesn't work, ask her why she's going to work ?

A: to earn money to pay the above....

fedup21 · 09/08/2019 20:21

They need to move out now.

Have you explained why you go to work? How does she think the bills will be paid if you’re not working?

Do you have a partner living with you?

carly2803 · 09/08/2019 20:45

oh god no.
she needs to get her own place asap -this needs to stop being enabled - living in your house with her boyfriend? shes tkaing the piss OP

my mother is a fantastic grandma. She does no child care for me. She offers then I say yes if i know its not putting her out. If i ever thought she was doign it out of guilt I would be mortified and say no.

Sorryisntgoodenough · 09/08/2019 20:55

They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything -why??? Have you been been enabling them to furiously squirrel away thousands?.

I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old did you laugh at this suggestion?
Or at least have you asked her to consider how you could pay for anything AT ALL if you gave up your job to look after HER child? FREE of charge whilst not earning any money at all? If not, maybe sit down and give her a basic maths lesson.
Do NOT give up your job to look after your grandchild, this is your last chance to teach your child about the costs of/in life. If you fail, what will she pass on to your grandchild??Frightening!

supersop60 · 09/08/2019 21:07

OP - sorry, I haven't read all the comments. Your updates show that you know you have enabled your DD so far.
Time to make some changes, then.
She has a job, that she is going back to after ML. That's good. You can sit down with her and her BF (does he work?) and discuss how they are going to handle their money now that they have a child to take care of. Don't TELL them, the have to make the decisions for themselves.
They need to think about rent, food, supplies for the baby etc because that's what adults do.
Please don't give up your job. You have done your share of childcare.
You can help out, when you have the time.
Some growing up needs to be done.

Zoejj77 · 09/08/2019 21:23

‘I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her’ well here you go again. Stop it now for her and her new family’s sake. She’s going to be a mum. She needs to grow up

SAHM2019 · 09/08/2019 21:24

Following this and lots of people are saying gran shouldn't feel guilty for not giving up work... but nobody has asked her to give up work. This is just gran feeling anxious about the outcome. Her daughter who sounds like shes been quite spoiled in terms of getting her own way and having herself and partner live at her parents house rent free at the age of 24 has asked her mum to child mind when she goes back to work herself. Yes she has asked a lot and yes she has been extremely inconsiderate of her mum's life in my opinion... but if her mum was clear in her lines of communication with her daughter regardless of if she's worried about her reaction or not, it would all be out in the open and they could both move forward from here. For God's sake, the gran has said how she is partly to blame for how her daughter is, well she needs to step up and NOT be to blame for anything more in this situation. It's actually ridiculous because gran is the one in control here. She just needs to voice exactly what she thinks to her daughter now she has seen that every response is pointing her in the direction of not enabling her adult child anymore. She is doing more damage than good in avoiding talking to her daughter about this.

olbndansmummy · 09/08/2019 21:28

We used a childminder when ds was little as mil still worked and I haven't got my mum anymore. When childminder had her holiday (and only if either myself or dh hadn't been able to get any time off) mil would book the time off work, but we paid her what we would have paid the childminder. She didn't want to take it, but it was just fair

Original poster
Iloveliberty · 09/08/2019 21:38

Right time for an update, I certainly didn’t expect to get so many responses, and I truly appreciate all the constructive advice. I have sat them both down and explained that I was not prepared to co parent their child, that if they were mature enough to have a baby they had to parent it and make plans for it. I have offered one day a week and suggested other grandparents offer one as well to cut down on costs. They are planning to move out before Christmas,so I’m hoping this will happen ,as you are all right in your advice of not ending up with them here permanently. Thank you all for your advice, most of it was helpful!

OP posts:
3luckystars · 09/08/2019 21:41

Thats great. I hope it all works out and she starts appreciating you.

HappyLoneParentDay · 09/08/2019 21:53

@Usernamewillautodestrustin How awful of her to say that to you

HappyLoneParentDay · 09/08/2019 21:54

@Iloveliberty Did she blow up?

CaptainJaneway62 · 09/08/2019 22:01

That's a good compromise OP.
I bet you feel better for having had the conversation.
And you still get to keep your own life intact!
Congratulations on your soon to being a Grandma...you will absolutely love being a Grandma!Flowers

Loveislandaddict · 09/08/2019 22:09

Well done. Good compromise.

SAHM2019 · 09/08/2019 22:37

Well done @Iloveliberty! Good compromise and giving your daughter some realistic life advice. Glad you didn't put off having that conversation with them.

ShoshanaBlue · 09/08/2019 22:55

What job did she do that gave so little mat leave?

Catsinthecupboard · 09/08/2019 23:10

FWIW,

I had a few go rounds with my dc about the usual things about responsibilities etc.

They've seen how we've struggled financially and healthwise too.

Now they tell me about various friends who aren't responsible. My dc seem happy that we taught them to be responsible.

They also take me to dr appts and cook, clean, do yard work and many other things. They don't pay rent, but certainly save us money on home repairs, etc.

My point isn't boasting, it's that by expecting them to be reasonably responsible, they ARE responsible.

BF should be helping with things around the home as should your dd. The question isn't how you help them, but how they help you. You're already providing for them. They need a clear plan for budget and moving out if that's their plan for the future.

Life isn't rainbows and happy nappies. It's work and practicality.

Sandytoesfrecklednose · 10/08/2019 00:09

I think the best thing you can say to that request is no. Nothing else. Just a straight no. Your daughter is already living a blessed life with her partner thanks to your kindness. It’s so difficult to say no but it’s absolutely the right thing. Your daughter needs to learn to stand on her own two feet before her baby arrives. And that’s from the youngest and most difficult child of my own family.

Booyahkasha · 10/08/2019 00:16

This infuriates me! I know it costs a bomb but honestly, you're not the main care giver, you've done your bit, one day a week would be reasonable but no more!

laraitopbanana · 10/08/2019 06:04

Hello,
Wow so selfish of her if she blows up when you try to help!
Maybe counter propose? Do not say «no» but propose what you can and explain that you can’t give up your paid job as you have bills to pay??
Hope things get better