Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guilt ridden grandparent

182 replies

Iloveliberty · 07/08/2019 23:42

Help, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter lives at home with her boyfriend and has just announced she is pregnant. I love her dearly but she has always been my difficult child and I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her. They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything. I work part time in a job I love and am too young to give up work, but I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old. They are hoping to move into a flat by Christmas time but I honestly can’t see how they are going to afford to set up a home, prepare for a baby and then pay for child care if I say I can’t commit to that. I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver. Is that incredibly selfish? I’m so torn and am agonizing over how best to discuss it with them as my daughter just blows up if things don’t go her way. Her boyfriend is a lovely guy but only has casual work at present.

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 09/08/2019 14:38

Yes Rock it is a bit harsh. Sadly the poster has suggested that she feels guilty for not wanting to take on the childcare. My point is that she has allowed a situation to develop to the level where she is being severely put upon. Taking on child care is no easy option even if you dont have to give up work to do it. I believe our job as parents is to help children grow into caring responsible adults. This young couple are neither resonsible nor caring and will get worse if they are allowed to . Too many people think grandparents shoud be thrilled and honoured to give free child care. We do it mostly to help our children who are doing everything they can to help themselves and do not expect , or take help for granted

Herocomplex · 09/08/2019 14:43

Childcare is a big responsibility, but I would hope most grandparents do it because they want to spend time with the children and build a relationship with them. Of course it’s greatly helpful to the parents, but that can’t be the main reason.

corythatwas · 09/08/2019 14:46

What others have said. Stop thinking of this as something you have caused: your dd is well old enough to take responsibility for her own behaviour. If you have to bring your maternal responsibilities into it, then think of it as one of your responsibilities to help her acquire the ability to stand on her own feet now.

growlingbear · 09/08/2019 14:46

I don't think @Confusedbeetle is being harsh. It's part of our parental duty to nudge our DC out of the nest in a timely manner. Make sure they realise how much adulthood costs and how full-on running a home and raising a family is. If we don't, we are doing them a disservice and keeping them infantilised. The OP acknowledges this is a problem. She clearly didn't get round to that difficult part of raising your kids, and now she has an issue with the result.

YouDoYou18 · 09/08/2019 15:34

I have an 11 month old and am expecting number two next month and me and my husband are starting to look at childcare options for when I return to work.. we have already flat out said we will not be asking grandparents because we think it’s awfully unfair to expect commitment to a particular day/days for the foreseeable future... people have their own lives! So I think you’re perfectly entitled to say no...

OlivaX · 09/08/2019 17:44

Did she ask you before deciding to have a baby?

nuxe1984 · 09/08/2019 17:45

Tell her that you can't give up work yet because it will affect your National Insurance contributions and have an impact on your pension. And you don't want to put any of the family in the position of having to support you financially because your pension is too low due to giving up work.

She needs a reality check!

manicmij · 09/08/2019 17:45

If you even consider the request you may as well hand everything you have to your DD and turn yourself into a doormat. Your DD has absolutely no consideration for anyone other than herself. And, to bring a child into the equation shows even more how irresponsible she is. Give her notice to leave before Christmas and to find childcare for her child. When on earth does she expect to be a responsible adult if you keep holding her hand and treating her like a child.

Jack80 · 09/08/2019 17:48

Could you not do so many days and her boyfriends parents do so many days, also maybe ask for some rent towards food etc, I never stayed at my parents rent free.

Cocobean30 · 09/08/2019 17:51

Why on earth are they not paying rent already.

Jaxhog · 09/08/2019 18:03

You are so not being selfish. She is. She is also being irresponsible and very unfair to you. She's already sponging off you (as is the BF).To have a child when they don't even have their own place is so wrong.

You need to set a time scale for them to find their own place and move out. The BF needs to find a full-time job so he can support the extra expense of a child. By all means do a little childcare, but only around your own commitments and choices. This is THEIR responsibility, not yours.

SAHM2019 · 09/08/2019 18:05

You need to be really clear with your daughter with regards to what you would have to give up to allow her to work and be her childminder. I read on one of your replies that you don't think she has even considered that part... she probably hasn't so you should have that conversation with her and get that part out in the open so she knows she needs to look at other options. Obviously only you know what you could actually help out with in terms of child care and its your choice again if you want to do that. But lets say for example you offer to help 1 day per week, that should be good enough for her. You are entitled to your own life like she is. Also, if her partner only has casual work, she will be entitled to help with childcare costs. I'm not sure of the exact amount but I know they pay up to 70% I think and it is definitely doable with 1 child (I did it). Not so great with more than one if you have small age gaps but with 1 she will be absolutely fine. Think the most important thing here is that you communicate with her or she might assume that you will just go along with her plans and then it will make everything harder x

slavetolife · 09/08/2019 18:08

Bloody hell! I was a single mum at 18! But I worked, I sorted out childcare for the days and had two willing little sisters to help out when I worked evenings (I know I was lucky with that) - many years on at 35 I have another DD who is 9 and we have had very, very little input from either set of grandparents, for childcare or otherwise. We have just sorted everything ourselves and given up on the idea that they want to be involved at all.

Your daughter should count herself lucky to have a lovely mum like you, but she is definitely taking the piss.

Timandra · 09/08/2019 18:18

You're worried that she will say you don't care about the baby but you know she won't actually believe that. She will saying it to manipulate you; using emotional blackmail to force you to fulfil her wishes.

Write a list of the things you expect her to say and then add a response to each one that explains what is really happening when she says them. Read it through before you talk to her.

You need to learn to separate what she says from what she needs and remember that her words are about getting what she wants, rather than what she really feels.

ElleDubloo · 09/08/2019 18:25

Could you gently explain that you don’t want to give up work because you enjoy it, and you can’t afford to give up the income?

Perhaps there’s a compromise, e.g. you look after the baby for 1-2 days for free? Or look after the baby for 3-4 days and they pay you (a bit less than they’d pay a childminder)?

SalomesDance · 09/08/2019 18:32

Please don't do it. You will end up being the live-in nanny and the baby will think you are 'mummy' and always turn to you. You've never have a minute to yourself. I'm speaking from experience and it ended badly when I couldn't take any more of it. I nearly had a breakdown. Put yourself first. And they won't move out by Christmas - they just won't move out!!!

Loreleigh · 09/08/2019 18:39

Your daughter is taking the p**s! If she is old enough to get pregnant then she needs to take responsibility for her child, a home of her own, a job of her own, and childcare costs of her own. You should not be free accommodation, free childminder etc - time for her to be booted out of the nest.

Celestine70 · 09/08/2019 18:43

No you shouldn't give up your job. Her child her responsibility. You can be a great grandma in other ways.

BenjiB · 09/08/2019 18:47

She sounds very selfish. I hate that some people think their parents should look after their children while they have a life. I have a 28 year old daughter and there’s no way I’ll be looking after her children when she has them. I’ve done my time as a full time parent. I’ll want to see them but not look after them all the time!

Treenymph · 09/08/2019 18:50

Please don't feel guilty wanting to say no to your DD. To try to manipulate like this is wrong and shows how immature she is.if she kicks off some growing up needs to be done. Right now it would be a baby having a baby 👶.

QueenEnid · 09/08/2019 18:51

I guess @Iloveliberty that if she's always got her own way, then she simply feels that this will go her way too and isn't giving any thought as to why it shouldn't.

I don't think you're selfish at all. I do think families should help each other out where they can but that doesn't have to mean being an unpaid babysitter!

My mum helped us out with 1 day childcare each week. That increased to 2 days when I had my 2nd, although the kids go to nursery on alternate days too as I was very grateful for the help but thought it would be too much for my mum to have both kids on one day. There must be nothing worse than having resentment grow and everyone get upset.

It's early days yet so tbh I think you should be quite breezy about a response. Rather than say no, ask her how you would be able to look after the baby when you're still working? I'm sure she's not doing to be so daft as to suggest you stop work!

EllenRipley · 09/08/2019 18:53

Nothing new to add, can only second what others have said: you can and will be a fantastic, involved nana but you need to draw a line right now, and stick to it. Your daughter is going to be a mother, so she needs to learn that she (and partner) are completely responsible for theirs and baby's life. Any support you decide to provide, on your terms, is a bonus. Don't let her bully and manipulate you!

MrBlobbyWasTrulyAwful · 09/08/2019 19:03

You do need to speak to her calmly and say of course you’d love to help... when you are not working yourself.
Then give her a list of what you can realistically do, and leave to give her time to take it in before she reacts.

Tistheseason17 · 09/08/2019 19:07

I agree with PPs. This is the moment to say no. If you put it off it will only get more difficult and she will be within her rights to say, "but you never said it would be a problem".

Her actions are a direct result of your reactions. If you do not react any differently, nothing will change.

sheshootssheimplores · 09/08/2019 19:10

I think it’s really important that you don’t do that actually. She needs to take the main parenting role and not delegate to you.