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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guilt ridden grandparent

182 replies

Iloveliberty · 07/08/2019 23:42

Help, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter lives at home with her boyfriend and has just announced she is pregnant. I love her dearly but she has always been my difficult child and I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her. They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything. I work part time in a job I love and am too young to give up work, but I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old. They are hoping to move into a flat by Christmas time but I honestly can’t see how they are going to afford to set up a home, prepare for a baby and then pay for child care if I say I can’t commit to that. I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver. Is that incredibly selfish? I’m so torn and am agonizing over how best to discuss it with them as my daughter just blows up if things don’t go her way. Her boyfriend is a lovely guy but only has casual work at present.

OP posts:
ChocolateCroissants · 08/08/2019 01:00

Sounds like she's got pregnant first and thought about logistics second. You can't just expect someone to provide pretty much full time free childcare. She can't be that naive at 24, surely?

It might an idea to tell her sooner so she has time to work something out. Maybe shift work? One does nights the other days? My parents worked opposite shifts for years to juggle childcare.

LadyB49 · 08/08/2019 01:05

Set your boundaries now !!

We have 6 dgc. 3 are local. We were retired when the first arrived and we were asked if we'd do one day childcare. We agreed to one day.
Second one came along and he got a day. Both the same day.

Different son gave us dgc3. We have him one day childcare and he goes to a childminder for two days. DS coparents with his estranged partner.

Point is, they have to grow up and make their arrangements.
I get the feeling that they haven't thought through the responsibilities involved in having a baby and paying bills.

We try to have them all on the one day but usually they're spread over two days.

We will also cover an emergency.

One dil went jobshare so as to cut down on expense and will go back to full time when possible.

They know that even tho we are retired we only give one day excepting emergencies and this has never been a problem.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 08/08/2019 01:05

Why hasn't she realised you'd have to give up your job? I don't understand.

Mileysmiley · 08/08/2019 01:32

Just say no It is her responsibility to arrange childcare not you

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2019 01:47

I mean this as gently as possible... Stop being such a mug! Your daughter is clearly very immature and very manipulative. This will never stop until you force her to take responsibility for her own life and decisions. Stop this madness right now.

User02 · 08/08/2019 01:51

There can be a lot of manipulation to get grandmothers to do child care for free and in the process to give up any life the grandmother had.
I knew I was being emotionally blackmailed into child care but I did it for the sake of the DGC and also because I knew that if I did not do as I was expected I would not see the DGC at all.
Some of the moves to ensure that I provided child care were ridiculous in the extreme such as leaving child to fend for itself (non gender for confidentiality. I do not call DC "it")

Weezol · 08/08/2019 01:54

They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house

Why on earth do you allow this? That's an epic pisstake by any standard.

They've got time to find a flat before the baby comes.

Rachelover40 · 08/08/2019 01:57

You're not selfish at all, iloveliberty.

You do a lot for your daughter and her partner and you're very generous. It's not fair of them to expect you to stop work and look after their baby for maybe three days a week.

Compromise. Suggest you will have the baby one day a week but they must find an alternative for the rest of the time. They will receive some free childcare.

You're a very nice person from what I can tell online.
Flowers

Durgasarrow · 08/08/2019 02:01

You are a good, decent woman. I understand just how you feel, because I have one of those children. But you have a right to your own life. And it really is good for her to start finding her own solutions for her problems. Having boundaries is not the same as not loving someone. And grandparents aren't responsible for their grandchildren. Parents are.

Knitclubchatter · 08/08/2019 02:28

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enabling-101-how-love-becomes-fear-and-help-becomes-control-1018134
i read this article recently (another thread just this week) and it might help you understand what is happening and give you insight into what you should or could do.

JanesKettle · 08/08/2019 02:29

You are totally fine to say ' can't, hon...I work those days'.

I was youngish when I had my first child, but not in a million years would I have expected my mum to stop working to help me out! Your daughter's expectations are unreasonable.

KC225 · 08/08/2019 02:42

You need to make it clear that you will NOT be giving up your job. You are too young to give up work and you need the money.

Chances are they will still be in your house by the time the baby is born. Unless they have been spiriting away every penny (not implied) how will they managed to get a deposit for a flat and all the stuff needed for a baby.

What about the boyfriend's parents, have they been asked?

TwistyTop · 08/08/2019 03:05

The more that you post, the more that your daughter is sounding like a very entitled spoilt brat. I'm sorry OP but it's really coming across that way.

It's absolutely absurd that a 24yr old woman would just presume that her mother would quit her job to provide child care. That's not a normal expectation. You say she won't have considered it and think you'd jump at the chance? That's even worse. She sounds shockingly self centred.

Tell her you're over the moon that you're going to be a Grandma and you'll help out a bit where you can, but make no mistake that this is all solely her responsibility. She needs to get her own place and sort her own childcare.

So yes, help out, but don't do it at the expense of your career, and help her to help herself. Don't just take on the responsibility for her.

1forAll74 · 08/08/2019 03:09

OH . of course you are going to care about your daughters new baby, but I guess it's now time to sit down and talk about all things that are needed to be talked about.. Otherwise your daughter is not respecting you at all, and how you feel about things. I think you said you daughter was 24 now, so its sure old enough to get real about her life, her baby, and being more mature about everything.

I know it must be difficult,if you have a daughter who thinks along these lines. but you need to say how you feel and get the message across to her.

fargo123 · 08/08/2019 03:25

If she says you don’t care about the baby, turn it back on her. Ask her why SHE doesn’t care about HER OWN baby enough to provide it with a home

My thoughts exactly.

I was shocked when you said she was 24. I thought she must be 16 - not that that would excuse the breathtaking arrogance and entitlement in expecting someone else to give up their livelihoods to provide free childcare, housing and whatever else they expect.

I know plenty of 22/23/24/25 year olds who have (had) babies and every single one of them managed to support their child themselves (with their partner), because...... that's what parents do.

ShippingNews · 08/08/2019 03:56

There is a big difference between being a good mother / grandmother and being a doormat. You are confusing the two, OP. No wonder you feel as if your daughter manipulates you ....she does ! This is NOT a normal mother / daughter relationship and I think you know that.

Your daughter is getting a free ride through life for some reason - only you know why you are allowing this to happen. You are allowing her and her boyfriend to live with you, free and easy ! That's not normal for a start . And now, oh whoops, they are pregnant and of course Mum will give up her work so they can have free child care . And if you don't do this, they'll blackmail you by saying you don't care about the baby. Geeze Louise, what more evidence do you need that you are being manipulated and taken for a ride.

Look, I'm a grandma too . I do a lot for my children and grandchildren because I like to do it. But if they tried to manipulate me ,or make me feel guilty ,for not wanting to sacrifice my entire life to make theirs easier , I'd soon speak up and clarify that I'm not to be taken advantage of.

You need to make it clear to your daughter AND her boyfriend that just because they chose to get pregnant, doesn't mean that they now get everything done for them. If you don't, you'll be a doormat forever and you won't ever be able to get your life back. Good luck OP.

Yeahnahmum · 08/08/2019 04:09

She is 24???? She sure doesn't act like it
Op, just say no.
And if that doesnt suit her then they can move out.
Remind her throughout that this is HER baby. And you are not going to look after it as you have a job etc

RebootYourEngine · 08/08/2019 04:14

It sounds like you are scared to say no to her. Has she been spoilt and pandered to her whole life as this is what it sounds like.

Why does she want/need 3 days childcare when the baby is 3 months old, is she going back to work?

Original poster
Iloveliberty · 08/08/2019 04:38

I love her dearly but I guess over the years I have gradually given in to her demands, so I really only have myself to blame for the situation I am in now. She has a knack of pushing the right buttons. I have truly appreciated all your replies and advice and have taken it all on board. Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Iloveliberty · 08/08/2019 04:39

Yes she will go back to work after 4 months maternity leave.

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady159 · 08/08/2019 04:43

I had my daughter at 21

My mum worked; it was only when she gave up work and retired early when my dd was 3 that my mum offered to have my dd 2 days a week for me so I could work & reduce my childcare costs! The other 2 days she went to a childminder

I wouldn't have expected my mum to give up work so I could work! I chose to have my child therefore I need to either be in a position to not work and be supported by my partner or pay for childcare and go to work!

user87382294757 · 08/08/2019 04:45

You need to nip this in the bud now or she will assume it continues, and baby will get attached and more difficult to change anything. It is not possible, you are working, she needs to sort childcare, tell her soon so she has time to prepare. It sounds like you are a bit scared of her.

user87382294757 · 08/08/2019 04:46

Also the more you give in to the buttons etc the more that will continue, the same dynamic. She needs to realise you won't give in to her moods and demands

Nautiloid · 08/08/2019 04:48

No. You have nothing to feel guilty about and you can stand up to your daughter on this.
You already work...partly so you can pay to support two extra adults.
You don't give up your job to care for an adult's child for free.
You sound like you will be a lovely grandparent. Tell your daughter now so she has time to make alternative arrangements.

Rock4please · 08/08/2019 04:48

If you say yes, they won't be grateful and ultimately it won't improve the relationship - it will get worse, as they will expect more and you will feel resentful. They need to grow up and take responsibility. It's absurd, selfish and naive to think you should pack in your job to provide free childcare. Don't do it!

Of course you will be a wonderful granny and, if you still have an income, you may be able to help in other ways such as helping with the cost of extracurricular activities which will enrich your grandchild's life and which your DD may not be able to afford. And you should definitely encourage them to move out and become independent or you will be expected to look after the baby when you are not at work and there will be no way of escaping. You need to put some healthy boundaries in place.

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