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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guilt ridden grandparent

182 replies

Iloveliberty · 07/08/2019 23:42

Help, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter lives at home with her boyfriend and has just announced she is pregnant. I love her dearly but she has always been my difficult child and I have often felt emotionally manipulated by her. They don’t pay anything to contribute towards the running of the house and although they are often great company we seem to do and pay for everything. I work part time in a job I love and am too young to give up work, but I have now been asked by my daughter to provide free child care for three/ four full days a week once the baby is three months old. They are hoping to move into a flat by Christmas time but I honestly can’t see how they are going to afford to set up a home, prepare for a baby and then pay for child care if I say I can’t commit to that. I want to be a fantastic nana, and help when I can but not take on the responsibility of main care giver. Is that incredibly selfish? I’m so torn and am agonizing over how best to discuss it with them as my daughter just blows up if things don’t go her way. Her boyfriend is a lovely guy but only has casual work at present.

OP posts:
bevelino · 08/08/2019 05:08

The baby should be a wake up call for the couple to start acting responsibly.

If OP agrees to give up her job to care for dgc her dd may get so used to the arrangement and the freedom it gives, she might not move out. Furthermore, the bf is unlikely to look for permanent work to support his family in this scenario because he doesn’t have to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/08/2019 05:23

Wow, what a cheeky bludger she is!

No, you absolutely should NOT give up paid work to be her unpaid nanny. (pun intended).

She's already cost you a lot in terms of upkeep, her AND her boyfriend

  • how on earth did you let them get away with that? I see the emotional manipulation part but seriously - you're paying for 2 other adults to live in your house, eat your food and use all your amenities!

She owes YOU money already but she wants you to be even less well off to save her even more money - cheeky mare!

Say no. You can, you know. And start charging at least the boyfriend rent!!

AJPTaylor · 08/08/2019 05:27

Work out what you are prepared to do and offer it.

MedalMedalMedal · 08/08/2019 05:28

She has learned to get her own way by throwing a tantrum. Be clear about what you realistically wish to offer and let her rage away. Stick to your guns.

Seasword · 08/08/2019 05:28

To me, being a parent is all about making decisions about providing a safe world for your child. That is your daughter’s job for her baby. Yours , as a grandparent is to support her doing that.

Helping out, not taking on the parenting role.
How does she expect you to manage your finances if you give up work?

Your daughter needs to be told to grow up, plan her adult life better and look into childcare costs and expect you to plan your life without having to make huge changes to suit her life choices.

Best of luck.

Ladywillpower · 08/08/2019 05:31

If you give up your job to provide childcare are your daughter & her partner going to take over the household costs? Otherwise how will you manage to pay bills etc?

Teacher22 · 08/08/2019 05:44

I have read of this scenario in enough Mumsnet and Gransnet posts to know that the baby will be used as a hostage. Basically the DD says, ‘Do what I say or the baby gets it.’

This is the consequence of liberal parenting. Traditional parenting with rules, boundaries, punishments, an understanding that consequences follow actions and an insistence on manners, respect and an expectation that a child will earn his or her own keep was much better. It was better for the parents and child but also better for wider society which is now suffering greatly from the millennial generation.

OP, you are going to have to be tough to be kind. The DD and her useless BF need to move out and find their own childcare.

katewhinesalot · 08/08/2019 06:00

With the power of mumsnet behind you I hope you feel strong enough to set strong boundaries, including not letting yourself be default parent whenever you are at home.

TheBrockmans · 08/08/2019 06:21

'I cannot do that much as you know I have to work, I will do one day / cover emergencies if not working/ babysit once a month/ whatever suits you. I am happy to sit down with you and go through the finances and work out what benefits you are likely to get.'

Set clear boundaries and offer other help such as getting benefit applications sorted out so she can learn to live independently.

INeedNewShoes · 08/08/2019 06:45

Why is she planning to go back to work so soon after the baby is born? Most women manage 9 months off now that there is paid maternity leave for that length of time (I managed it as a single parent on SMP).

Anyway that's a slight aside.

You know you have to say no to this. It's a long-term commitment to deal with childcare until school age and no doubt she'd then she'll expect you to do the school run, then she'll probably have another baby and you'll be doing older child's school run as well as looking after the second child at home.

If you feel that you would LIKE to do some regular childcare then work out what is realistic for you to do happily. Then you can say to her, 'I'm sorry. It's just not possible for me to look after the baby for 3-4 days a week. I've worked out that I could look after them for you every Tuesday so that will save you a day's childcare'.

Them affording childcare is NOT your problem. There are government schemes in place to save everyone 20% of the cost from any age and then funded hours from age 3 (or even 2 if their income is low enough).

As my income is on the low side I receive some tax credits to subsidise my childcare costs.

You don't have to get involved. Say no now and keep saying no if it's brought up again. Reiterate that you're looking forward to being a doting grandparent and doing some babysitting and buying it nice things but that it's not feasible for you to take on the role of childcare.

LunaLovesgood · 08/08/2019 06:47

@Teacher22 the Millennial generation Hmm sweeping generalization considering that it ranges right up to late thirties don't you think. OPs daughter is being massively unreasonable and a presumptuous bugger too but it has fuck all to do with her just making it into the Millennial category and is significantly more likely that it's just her personality.

Nautiloid · 08/08/2019 06:49

I think you would be doing your daughter no favours carrying on like this. To a degree, children need help to 'launch' into adult life. She's coming at that from a place of support, but I too would be focusing that support on helping her spread her wings a bit and try doing things for herself. Gradually get her and DP doing more at home. Help them work out a financial plan and budget etc.
If people don't learn to stand on their own two feet, they get stuck in a sort of late teenage limbo, for decades sometimes. Life is scary for them...and for those supporting them.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 06:49

Their DC is their responsibility. It will fall to your DD if/when the relationship breaks down, which is probable.

Your paid employment is important, in the short and long term (pension). As is your health - eg it may not be good for your wellbeing to provide childcare even on your non working days.

You’ve thus far enabled them both to be selfish and not pay their way. That is bad for you, and them too.

usersouthcoast · 08/08/2019 06:51

Tell her you can't afford to give up work

growlingbear · 08/08/2019 06:51

Just say, "I'm dying to be a grandmother but I can't do what you've asked. I work! And we need my income."

She sounds very emotionally immature but you have enabled that by letting her live at home without encouraging her to take responsibility.

Original poster
Iloveliberty · 08/08/2019 06:59

Lunalovesgood yes it is very much her personality, but she also has many many good traits. I know now I’ve enabled this so in her defense it’s just as much my fault.

OP posts:
Ithinkmycatisevil · 08/08/2019 07:01

By her demands I thought you were going to say she’s 16 or something, but she’s 24 and should act like it. Her baby her problem.

If you don’t mind having the baby on your days off, then you could offer to help out then, only if you want to of course. There’s no way you can give up your job to provide her with free a free childcare!

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 08/08/2019 07:16

I think you've supported your daughter and her boyfriend enough and its time for them to grow up and become more independent/self sufficient.

As you work part time do you work full or part days? If you can I would suggest you offer one day a week, that way you are helping but limiting it. Tell your daughter you don't want to and can't afford to give up work.

Also three/four days a week with a three month old who will get older and more demanding will be really hard work do you want to take that on anyway?

I think it's time for your daughter and partner to grow up.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2019 07:16

Not just as much your fault - your DD is an adult.

But you can make changes, and also give her a wake up call about her future reality, which is likely to be very difficult.

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 08/08/2019 07:20

Just as a footnote being a good nanny doesn't mean providing all the childcare! Don't fall in to that trap! Baby isn't here yet, on top of needing childcare so they can work they're yet to discover how much having a baby will curb their social lives so they'll also be wanting babysitting so they can go out/have time to themselves.

Moondancer73 · 08/08/2019 07:26

She's 24? I thought you were going to say she was 18! Time for her to have a reality check. Get her to the council, on the housing list and tell her you can do what you can around your job but no more. Is she really prepared for this baby?

Didntwanttochangemyname · 08/08/2019 07:27

Be a good Nanny by helping your Daughter be an adult and take responsibly for herself and her child.

Moondancer73 · 08/08/2019 07:28

Oh, and why don't they pay? You're the one letting them get away with that - no wonder she's expecting you to drop everything for her baby

SummerInTheVillage · 08/08/2019 07:29

Just tell her you can't afford to give up work and, by the way, she needs to start paying rent for her family.

Time she grew up.

Tighnabruaich · 08/08/2019 07:38

If anyone should feel guilty it should be your daughter - living off you at that age, and then expecting you to give up your job to look after her child.

Why does she think she'll go back to work so soon? What is her job?

Yes, you've been enabling her, but when will you stop? When she's 34? 44? Will she still be taking the piss when she's 54?

I get so angry when I read threads like this, where good, decent, kind women are royally taken advantage of.

She's not 14, she's 24! She'll take and take, and your life will diminish.

Please try and stand firm, and stand up to her.

If she 'blows up', let her. Ignore it. Walk away.