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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cool wives

194 replies

SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 16:46

Is it me or is there some sort of competition amongst us women folk over who can be the best wife and put up with the most shit.

Whenever someone posts about their selfish and unreasonable OH someone else always responds that this is perfectly normal and all men do this so we should put up with it.

It seems to range from the marginally reasonable
'My OH works FT so he never does a night feed or changes a nappy' to 'I do EVERYTHING around the house and ALL the childcare but my OH doesn't have to lift a finger bless him because he works' right through to the mind-blowing 'I don't mind that my OH games 24-7/has nude lap dances/blows all our money on stag dos/sends sexy texts to other women/cycles 8 days a week/watches porn 2 hrs a day because he works and he needs his ME time'.

Do women like this really exist or are these men in disguise on MN sent to wind us up? Is there just a race to the bottom for what is acceptable from a decent husband?

I'm beginning to lose sight of what a normal partnership is. AIBU to be suspicious of these 'cool' wives?

OP posts:
humblesims · 07/08/2019 16:51

Do you mean on MN or in RL? I dont recognise those women you describe. Maybe just me.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/08/2019 16:52

Id say its the opposite, the moment a partner isn't100% perfect its LTB.
My husband didnt put the bin out "well hes clearly misogynistic LTB"
My husband raised his voice whilst I was screaming at him "well hes clearly got anger issues LTB"

MrsSpenserGregson · 07/08/2019 16:54

YANBU. I haven't met any "cool wives" in real life, but they seem to abound on MN. I suspect you're right and that they are actually men in disguise!

thisnamechanger · 07/08/2019 16:54

Not this again. This term gets thrown out a lot in relation to men having female friends and women supposedly pretending to be ok with it to be a "cool wife". Or maybe just everyone is different and has different boundaries/expectations. I don't give a stuff if DP watches porn or went to a strip joint on a stag do, for example, and I assure you it's not because I'm trying to seem cool! If you do care then fine, whatever! 🤷

Siameasy · 07/08/2019 16:56

My DH is not like this but my in laws are very pandering to men. It’s odd, like a family trait. All the females on his side seem to have a really high tolerance for bad behaviour. Plus they’re easily pleased eg “so proud that DH put DD’s hair in a pony tail”-shit like that. Infantilising and “the poor man”. My mum pandered as well which put me off and I’m really grumpy as a result

Original poster
SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 17:01

That's interesting thisnamechanger as I have never met anyone like you IRL. Whilst I don't mind my DH having female friends I do draw the line at sexting them and using sex workers.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 07/08/2019 17:01

I certainly do not see any women on here claiming that - quite the opposite! Everyone is very quick to tell posters to ‘ditch the twat’.
And cool wife? Never heard of that before. And don’t think I’d call any doormat a cool anything.

Original poster
SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 17:02

Humbles just on MN. I don't know any women like this IRL. Maybe they are super cool but just hide it from their friends.

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 07/08/2019 17:03

I think more is expected of women than of men.

Men seem to have a very low bar, so it doesn't take much for someone to be impressed by something they do, that women do every day/all the time.

Original poster
SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 17:03

Pip you are right. There are a lot of LTBs which isn't always necessary but there are frequently comments from people who think this sort of thing is perfectly OK. Much more than I have ever come across IRL.

OP posts:
thisnamechanger · 07/08/2019 17:04

That's interesting thisnamechanger as I have never met anyone like you IRL

Well we should hang out then Grin

Maybe I'm just a rare loon or maybe it just doesn't come up that much in RL conversation. Perhaps everyone just assumed their peers default position is the same as theirs.

Sausagessausagesandchips · 07/08/2019 17:05

Haven't met many but my mother has always been a bit like this. She's always had a very "women are awful but I'm not like other women" stance. Her current partner does absolutely fuck-all and she often has to leave coffee dates etc to go home and make him toast. She also doesn't have interests of her own when she's in a relationship. It's not something that's forced on her; she just has to see herself as "better" than all those nasty nagging wives. By contrast, she thinks my SIL is a monster because DB does most of the cooking.

Original poster
SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 17:06

Sausages that's what I mean. It's almost like bragging

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 07/08/2019 17:07

I think that ‘cool wives’ tends to be used as a slur against women who have a different outlook on relationships. Neither camp is right but the ‘cool wife’ type of person who sees a relationship as a partnership between individuals rather than a couple as a single codependent entity are in the minority so of course they get picked on. This is exacerbated by the fact that many ‘cool wife’ traits are just traits of an emotionally self sufficient and stable person. No one wants to admit that they are dependant on their husband for their emotional needs so they belittle women who aren’t in an attempt to normalise the codependent relationship model and to validate their approach instead of actually doing something to address the issue.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 17:07

"women are awful but I'm not like other women" Ohh these women make me rage

Biancadelrioisback · 07/08/2019 17:08

I agree with namechange.
All I expect of DH is what I expect of me, and I expect to be treated like an equal.
I don't think I'm "cool" and I fully respect that my personal boundaries do not dictate anyone elses.
I don't agree with LTB being thrown around, not do I agree with "well I don't mind that behaviour so you shouldn't".

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2019 17:10

I think too often "cool wives" is a lazy way to try and shut down discussion or to deny any relationship might work differently.

E.g. 1.
OP- AIBU to think DH shouldn't be texting the woman he works with on a Saturday. It's not even about work stuff!
Lots of replies - start getting your ducks in a row, there's something he's not telling you / if he isn't sleeping with her then he probably wants to / this is an emotional affair / I question any man who feels the need to build friendships with women outside our relationship
A few posters -It could be something and it could be nothing. Actually both me and DH have colleagues we are friends with of the opposite sex. We text about all kinds of nonsense and it wouldn't be work on a Saturday. Unless you've got any other concerns why don't you have a chat with him, maybe see if you could meet a few of his work friends
Replies: ignore the cool wives / there's always cool wives who'll accept anything / it's awful and sad how some women have to play along with emotional affairs like they're just friendships because they want to seem cool and chilled

So called cool wives: actually we were just pointing out opposite sex friendships can be above board and there's nothing wrong in them automatically.

thecatsthecats · 07/08/2019 17:10

I find the term 'cool wife' is used to shut down women who have a different perspective on an issue, more usually related to social/sexual issues than domestic load ones.

As a result, I tend to distrust anyone who uses it, and it invalidates entirely the input of anyone who says 'Ignore the 'cool wives'.

Why the fuck SHOULD a woman be dismissed because she has a different perspective on an issue?

Original poster
SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 17:11

Sorry boggles. Too many big words for me. Do you mean that expecting my DH to do 50:50 parenting is just me being emotionally co-dependent?

I don't have a problem with a woman doing it all if that's what she wants. But when men behave (in my eyes) badly, I don't think she should have to put up with it and smile.

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 07/08/2019 17:11

I haven't seen many (any?) posters condoning their partner using sex workers or sexting other women. Can you point out these threads please?

(I don't mind my partner watching porn, and he doesn't mind me watching it either. Neither of us are very cool!)

thisnamechanger · 07/08/2019 17:12

Just to be clear, if someone's deal breaker was porn and their DH knew that and accepted that and it was made clear from the start of the relationship and they knew what they'd signed up to and then turned out to be using it secretly anyway I would not think that was ok either.

I'm just saying different couples have different boundaries between themselves.

thecatsthecats · 07/08/2019 17:12

Boggles has put it perfectly.

BogglesGoggles · 07/08/2019 17:12

I’m with @thisnamechanger as well. I think it’s just not talked about. Obviously I don’t go myself and would judge DH if he did but it would be really unreasonable to take it personally. It doesn’t effect me. My self esteem doesn’t require his full attention (or any attention from anyone for that matter) and his behaviour or poor taste is no a reflection on me at all. He’s an individual who has a right to a personal life. So long as he doesn’t do anything to harm me or our relationship what he does do is his business. Feel free to disparage me as a cool wife of you want. I don’t care what you think either.

user1493413286 · 07/08/2019 17:13

I see far more ltb on here than anything else; to the extent that a man can’t have flaws and things can’t be worked on, the solution is just .
I have met a few of these “cool wives” in person but it’s often a bit of a front from what I can work out.

RedForShort · 07/08/2019 17:15

It's not a thing outside of MN is it. Is it in the Urban Dictionary? First person there gets to define its meaning!!

I always have it in my heart that it's a suppose to mean a woman who pretends she's fine with her husband's behaviour when she's really not. Not sure why I think that!!!

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