Cool wives

[SignedUpJust4This]

Is it me or is there some sort of competition amongst us women folk over who can be the best wife and put up with the most shit.

Whenever someone posts about their selfish and unreasonable OH someone else always responds that this is perfectly normal and all men do this so we should put up with it.

It seems to range from the marginally reasonable
'My OH works FT so he never does a night feed or changes a nappy' to 'I do EVERYTHING around the house and ALL the childcare but my OH doesn't have to lift a finger bless him because he works' right through to the mind-blowing 'I don't mind that my OH games 24-7/has nude lap dances/blows all our money on stag dos/sends sexy texts to other women/cycles 8 days a week/watches porn 2 hrs a day because he works and he needs his ME time'.

Do women like this really exist or are these men in disguise on MN sent to wind us up? Is there just a race to the bottom for what is acceptable from a decent husband?

I'm beginning to lose sight of what a normal partnership is. AIBU to be suspicious of these 'cool' wives?

@SignedUpJust4This no, I’m explaining to you what cool wives means. You are describing shitty husbands, not cool wives. Again, trying to blame women who choose to put up with their husband poor behaviour instead of actually placing the blame where it belongs. Seems like misogyny to me...

You're right. Cool wife is a lazy term. I don't mean to use it to belittle anyone who enjoys the domestic life. And if a couple agree to an open marriage or that nude lap dances are OK then absolutely crack on. But these posts occur when a man has done something along these lines with no prior discussion, agreement or consideration for her feelings and then others pipe up with 'I wouldn't mind this'

I’m not cool but would be hypocritical of me to think it’s ok to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex but he can’t and I can watch porn but he can’t. Surely there’s a middle ground between uptight and ‘cool wife’.

@LolaSmiles has it spot on. I posted this on a other thread, that I hate that a phrase that was originally a clever summary of the unrealistic and misogynistic expectations men have of women, has just become another label for us to trash other women with.

I don't blame the women at all! You are confusing happy couples with their own specific terms and boundaries with a wife who has just been shat on from a height and then been told its fine! I certainly don't judge the woman at all. I know it's not always possible to ltb and I know it is not her fault. I'm just surprised with how many say 'I wouldn't mind this'. 'not-minding' is different to 'forced to put up with'

I haven't seen a single instance of someone condoning cheating. I see a lot more people egging poor posters on that a text message from a woman means her husband is cheating and she should start tracking his movements, or a guy who is a bit lazy and grumpy is abusive and she needs to contact shelters. Perhaps the 'cool wives' are actually trying to inject some reality into a forum that thrives on creating drama?

Too many big words for me. Do you mean that expecting my DH to do 50:50 parenting is just me being emotionally co-dependent
That's not what Boggles is saying.

They're saying that people who are often labelled as "cool wives" are usually the people who are confident in themselves, are an individual in a relationship (not one half of an entity) and, abusive situation aside, don't spent their days seeking emotional validation from their partners or husbands.

It's nothing to do with distribution of parenting. It's where someone's sense of self comes from.
E.g. I'm in a relationship with DH. I expect him to do his fair share and we both have weekly hobbies. some weeks/months he may have more on than me and vice versa so the split of household stuff may vary. On the whole it balances out.
Say DH wanted to train for a sporting a event in 6 months time, I wouldn't mind picking up a bit extra to support his training.
I do this because I know he would do the same for me and has done the same for me and we are in a relationship of equals.

On some threads so much admitting that I have non-issue with DH doing a hobby twice a week would be met with "cool wife" cries and the idea that for a short period of time I'd pick the slack up would be met with pity and cool wife cries because some women can't seem to fathom that a relationship of equals involves give and take on both sides. Often the women who cry "cool wife" on hobbies and social time are the ones who marry/have kids with overgrown manchildren and then enable his behaviour, never have any time to themselves and have no hobbies of their own (often with martyr tales about how they simply couldn't manage to have any me time because they are so so so busy) and so rather than accept that their own relationship dynamic is out of whack in many ways, they seek to dismiss and attack women in more equitable relationships.

Perhaps we need a term for thread starters who are prone to exaggeration?

I’ve yet to meet one in rl.

If its an agreed give and take that's fine.

And it might seem like an exaggeration but I made sure I only thought of actual threads I have seen on Aibu & in relationships (although the times are exaggerated eg 8 days a week). I could post links to these threads but don't thi k that would be fair on those individuals.

OK IABU to use the term 'cool wife'. It is derogatory.

But just to be clear I do not judge women who are OK with these things. I do not judge women who are unable to leave crappy husbands. I do however think it's a bit unfair when someone says 'my husband has nude lap dances all the time and lies about it and it really hurts my feelings but he doesn't give a shit' and someone else responds with 'I think it's fabulous when my husband has a nude lap dances. We go together sometimes.' Not the same thing.

On threads where the OP has posted asking for advice after their DH has kissed someone else I’ve seen posters say that they genuinely wouldn’t mind if their DH did that and wouldn’t be bothered

Exactly Glower. And in disproportionate amounts than I would IRL. Its happened so much recently I'm beginningto think they could be MRA in disguise.

I was called a cool wife as I said I didn’t mind my husband going on holiday with his friends to Magaluf. I was told he was obviously having sex with women there.

He actually flew out again this morning.

I agree with BogglesGoggles, it's an attempt to silence and to put down women who have a different setup or viewpoint. Pathetic really and just displays insecurity. Do what you like, nobody cares. Why does everybody have to talk so much about stuff that's really quite personal and nobody else's business? Bizarre!

I don't think 'cool people' hang out on mumsnet generally so it's a bit skewed towards navel-gazers and those who like sit in judgement.

I agree with the premise of the post OP but not the use of cool wives. I have seen some really horrible responses to women who have posted about their husband’s shitty and abusive behavior and it does make me wonder who these people are in real life.

Do women like this really exist or are these men in disguise on MN sent to wind us up? Is there just a race to the bottom for what is acceptable from a decent husband

I am absolutely not a little mouse of a wife. I have said that I don't see why it's unreasonable for a mum on maternity leave to take on the bulk of the nighttime duties with a young baby, simply because mum is on mat leave and dad has to go to work and will have zero allowances made.

But other than that? Nope. From nappy changing to feeding, to taking to places, to attending school meetings, DH has done his fair share. Perhaps not as much life admin like organising school stuff, but he also irons his own shirts, cleans, takes the bins out, and in addition, does all gardening as I don't. And makes his own packed lunch for work - and sometimes for me or ds as well (I work from home so need them very infrequently).

You know whether you are in a fair relationship or not.

And dont even get me started on those threads when a wife has the audacity to think her dh might contact her now and again on his "lads" holiday! The posters that pile on to tell her how needy clingy and controlling she is being - just for wanting to know that he's alive and ok! They apparently don't are far too cool/independent to even want to contact or be contacted by their other half whilst on their separate holidays. I mean fine if that's true but why assume we should all be like that?

Sorry boggles. Too many big words for me.
Really 😙!

I don’t think you are describing ‘cool wives’, your description in the OP describes downtrodden wives. Surely the cool wives are the ones who don’t mind their husbands having a social life and close female friends? And surely they don’t mind that because they themselves have a social life and close friends of the opposite sex. Shit term for it though.

I agree wholeheartedly OP. It absolutely astounds me what women put up with, both IRL and on MN.

But then I also know a lot of men who put up with shit wives as well.

I won't link but specific examples are the man who games a minimum of 11 hours a week and doesn't do anything with his wife. She was told he need his ME time.

The man sending very flirty texts to a colleague (with half nude bathroom selfies). 'Hes allowed female friends!'

The man who left his heavily pregnant wife and 2 small children to go on another bender they couldn't afford even when she was in pain and asked him not to. 'he works. He needs time away with the lads'

And the one who avoided all family time by cycling 'he needs to keep fit'

For every 'cool wife' though there is someone else saying LTB for the slightest thing so I would say it's quite balanced, with most people being somewhere in the middle.

My DH is not perfect. I am not perfect.

Mn is full of cool wives.

On some threads it's a competition to see which women will put up with the most shit.

I’m similar to Lola, and I do find women throwing the ‘Cool wife’ insult at me annoying, so I usually CBF to engage in threads that fuss.
We’re equals, we choose to be with each other and have been for nearly 40 years. Neither of us looks elsewhere for a lover, we both have hobbies and jobs that include members of the opposite sex.
We trust each other, otherwise we wouldn’t be a partnership and I certainly wouldn’t have had children with an abusive arse.
I think that’s pretty cool.

I have never used the term cool wife until right at the end of my post when I tried to sum up what my point was a bit more concisely than in my post and think of title. I don't mean to be dismissive of anyone who feels they have a fair relationship and plays to their strengths.