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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cool wives

194 replies

SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 16:46

Is it me or is there some sort of competition amongst us women folk over who can be the best wife and put up with the most shit.

Whenever someone posts about their selfish and unreasonable OH someone else always responds that this is perfectly normal and all men do this so we should put up with it.

It seems to range from the marginally reasonable
'My OH works FT so he never does a night feed or changes a nappy' to 'I do EVERYTHING around the house and ALL the childcare but my OH doesn't have to lift a finger bless him because he works' right through to the mind-blowing 'I don't mind that my OH games 24-7/has nude lap dances/blows all our money on stag dos/sends sexy texts to other women/cycles 8 days a week/watches porn 2 hrs a day because he works and he needs his ME time'.

Do women like this really exist or are these men in disguise on MN sent to wind us up? Is there just a race to the bottom for what is acceptable from a decent husband?

I'm beginning to lose sight of what a normal partnership is. AIBU to be suspicious of these 'cool' wives?

OP posts:
TheBigBallOfOil · 07/08/2019 19:41

That’s one thing I’ve never got.
Porn - fine. Strip clubs - fine. One night stand or drunken snog - hands thrown up in horror. I’m not saying I’d like the latter but I don’t think I’d lose respect for dh to the extent I would if he was an habitual sex industry user. That’s just so shit, sleazy and pathetic. I couldn’t respect him at all.

Original poster
SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 19:47

That's it. I wouldn't stop my OH doing what he wants but if he went to strip clubs I would lose respect for him.

OP posts:
TheBigBallOfOil · 07/08/2019 19:50

I wouldn’t fancy him anymore either. It would make him less of a man in my eyes IYSWIM? Probably to do with the fact that the men I’ve known who behave like that have all been horrible little turds. He’d be associated with them in my mind. Not sure I could talk myself out of that.

ReapersHowler · 07/08/2019 19:52

Cool wives is just misognystic bullshit. Shuts down women with views different from yours and comes across as petty and rude. Tends to be used by women who think other women are below them.

NoSauce · 07/08/2019 19:55

He can do as he wishes with his own time, be it gaming, cycling or wanking

Grin
Crazyrunninglady · 07/08/2019 19:56

I wouldn’t fancy him anymore either. It would make him less of a man in my eyes IYSWIM? Probably to do with the fact that the men I’ve known who behave like that have all been horrible little turds. He’d be associated with them in my mind. Not sure I could talk myself out of that.

Let's be honest, that's because they are horrible little turds. Even if they're darling wives like to pretend otherwise because they're so laid back.

I wouldn't stop dh doing anything, he's free to do as he pleases. I will make compromises on lots of things because no one is perfect and neither am I.

But I do have certain standards, there at some things that if dh did I'd simply lose respect for him and probably fall out of love.

It's quite liberating to realise that you don't have to put up with anything goes, I'm not afraid to be alone.

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 19:57

That's hilarious grin Although I don't care where he parks (I also enjoy different garages...cars... ...this is going too far) so I'm PEAK cool wife

Haha! Go you!! Grin

TheBigBallOfOil · 07/08/2019 20:00

The men I’m thinking of haven’t succeeded in obtaining and maintaining relationships with any wives, cool or otherwise. Not a coincidence, I feel

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 20:00

@Lennon80 Urgh ‘porn is fine’ makes my blood fucking boil. Would you let him rank off in a room watching two people have sex?

Hell yes!! We’re pretty kinky so it works for us. So long as he doesn’t emotionally commit to anyone an awful lot goes in our marriage. Lots of freedom and lots of fun!

Sandybval · 07/08/2019 20:19

Most of the threads on here irrationally say LTB for petty things as well as serious stuff.

LaVieilleHarpie · 07/08/2019 20:25

Yeah, well, they're a bit thick, but you can't really fix it so leave them to make a rod for their own back.

Longlongsummer · 07/08/2019 20:34

I don’t think it’s about freedom.

DH can climb Everest or go away with his friends for two months on a self discovery quest or get drunk on a night out and roll in at 3am. As long as we had organized respectfully who looked after the kids, I’d be fine. I like going away on my own for weekends.

However if he watched porn I’d think less of him, as let’s face it that industry is seedy as hell and he’d be propping up some dodgy practices. He can wank over pictures of another woman though, who cares about that!

And I’ve met and been friends with women who work in strip clubs. It’s not nice. The men leer and shout and they earn nothing. Why would I be oh so okay with that?

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2019 21:34

I don’t think it’s about freedom
I think part of it is, but part of it is two adults having a shared understanding of how the relationship works,

I see usernames pop up with the cool wives line and more often than not they also have tales about how the men in their lives were feckless or cheats or wouldn't meet their standards (some reasonable and some not). The problem is that they allow their negative experiences to dismiss the other women who are saying they've had positive experiences.

Housework threads are classic. There are:
A) some women acting like the world would end if they didn't clean up and pick up after the man child they've chosen to have 3 kids with. They moan about the state of play but then have enabled his behaviour for 5+ years. They are stuck with men who will spend 10hours and a trip to B&Q to fix a planter in the garden whilst ignoring the bathrooms need cleaning. They tend to be trampled on my arsehole men and know the situation is wrong but are unwilling or unable to make big changes at the moment
B) Similar group to A in they do the lion's share but they also add in the martyr approach about how they have to do the MN classic job of "household admin" and like to list every tiny job of why they have it hard.
Whilst it's commonly accepted that mental load and wife work is a thing, group B posters will refuse to accept that anyone else ever in the universe has an equal relationship in respect of housework and childcare (they are the ones who love citing cool wives)
C) the goady fuckers who will claim their calling in life is to be a live in maid and personal sex servant to their beloved DH and he never had to raise a finger because they understand how demanding his life is, they even give him a back rub with essential oils when he gets in before the tea goes on the table
D) the so called cool wives will say actually we are fairly equal, we've fallen into our set jobs that we do and both tend to get on with things that need doing. It's totally reasonable and achievable to have a balanced and fair relationship where ALL adults contribute fairly.

WestBerlin · 07/08/2019 21:39

I’ve been grouped as a ‘cool wife’ here because I have no problems with porn (in fact I watch it myself with and without him). The inference being that I secretly do share the anti porn outlook but I’m too much of a man pleaser to admit it. That’s quite condescending, and I don’t really understand the inability of some to see that we don’t actually all share the same perspective.

Longlongsummer · 07/08/2019 23:53

@WestBerlin I’m always happy to challenge anyone who watches porn, Male or female, it’s an industry that oppresses and damages many vulnerable women and also men. I don’t think that’s a different perspective. It’s a truth.

Littlejets · 08/08/2019 00:24

I’m always happy to challenge anyone who watches porn, Male or female, it’s an industry that oppresses and damages many vulnerable women and also men. I don’t think that’s a different perspective. It’s a truth.

So you don't think that many women (and men) choose to get into this industry because it's easy money?? And I'm not claiming ALL.

I watch porn and so does my partner, together and alone.

Longlongsummer · 08/08/2019 00:54

@Littlejets easy money doesn’t mean that it’s not exploitative. And what appears easy money is nothing like that, and often for people with few options too. You can’t bury our head in the sand and say that you watch porn and that your actions have no consequences.

Its deeply uncool. At least be honest about it.

Littlejets · 08/08/2019 01:14

@Longlongsummer

I know people who find it to be easy money for easy money sake. But I also know people who are in the sex industry because they feel they have no other option and it's the easiest way and most profitable way they can support their family.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 08/08/2019 01:16

[Porn is] deeply uncool. At least be honest about it.

You are clearly using the word cool in a very different sense to the way it labels us cool wives Grin

WestBerlin · 08/08/2019 05:11

Long -My point is that being okay with your husband watching porn IS a different perspective, and that women that don’t mind aren’t merely porn haters that put up with it to please a man. Plenty of us watch it ourselves, whether we have your approval or not.

TwistyTop · 08/08/2019 05:21

Yet another stick to beat ourselves and each other with

Mileysmiley · 08/08/2019 05:23

I wish I was a cool wife lol

Lennon80 · 08/08/2019 10:00

You are getting off on paid rape - because let’s face it you can’t buy consent

“The fact that people agree to it and are paid,” Chomsky replied, “is about as convincing as the fact that we should be in favor of sweat-shops in China where women are locked into a factory and work fifteen hours a day and the factory burns down and they all die. Yeah, they were paid and they consented, but that doesn’t make me in favor of it. So that argument we can’t even talk about. As to the fact that it’s some people’s erotica, well, that’s their problem. Doesn’t mean I have to contribute to it. If they get enjoyment out of humiliation of women then they have a problem.”

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/08/2019 10:16

Putting up with shit doesn't equate to making you a 'cool' wife. Quite the reverse. In general terms, it's called 'being a mug'.