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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cool wives

194 replies

SignedUpJust4This · 07/08/2019 16:46

Is it me or is there some sort of competition amongst us women folk over who can be the best wife and put up with the most shit.

Whenever someone posts about their selfish and unreasonable OH someone else always responds that this is perfectly normal and all men do this so we should put up with it.

It seems to range from the marginally reasonable
'My OH works FT so he never does a night feed or changes a nappy' to 'I do EVERYTHING around the house and ALL the childcare but my OH doesn't have to lift a finger bless him because he works' right through to the mind-blowing 'I don't mind that my OH games 24-7/has nude lap dances/blows all our money on stag dos/sends sexy texts to other women/cycles 8 days a week/watches porn 2 hrs a day because he works and he needs his ME time'.

Do women like this really exist or are these men in disguise on MN sent to wind us up? Is there just a race to the bottom for what is acceptable from a decent husband?

I'm beginning to lose sight of what a normal partnership is. AIBU to be suspicious of these 'cool' wives?

OP posts:
Ilovetolurk · 07/08/2019 18:42

I mean the situation where the man is genuinely an arse as Mothra said and still there are posters saying they would be fine with this

genuinely an arse? In your subjective opinion. Not fact

Same as any other poster’s subjective opinion

Littlejets · 07/08/2019 18:45

What the opposite of a cool wife?

A 'hen pecker'?

Rachie1973 · 07/08/2019 18:47

I’ve been called. ‘Cool wife’ in a derogatory way.

I don’t think the examples from the OP are ‘cool wives’ though. If it makes you unhappy it’s not cool is it?

As for porn.... each to their own. We’re not offended by it.

Croquembou · 07/08/2019 18:48

@ShirleyPhallus

YES! I don't understand the coming home drunk ones either. 'Why should you do everything for this grown man', 'he's a disgusting manchild', like a total stranger has lurched into your bedroom and not, you know, a man you love?!

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2019 18:50

Isn't "cool wife" usually used when a woman won't "ban" her partner from doing anything they might not like / MN thinks they should object to, rather than ops examples Re the house?
So "my DH has a friend who is female, Aibu to ban him fro me er thinking of her" someone says yes, you can't control it and is immediately labelled a "cool" wife who is seen as basically permitting her husband to run around like a feral animal trying to insert his penis into willing participants

justasking111 · 07/08/2019 18:51

My OH has been to two risque events, first at a hotel in the ballroom a works do, girls and baby oil involved. Ruined the dance floor we were told. Second a friend of his who was depressed I said take him out, they ended up at a mud wrestling event which was actually girls in paddling pools fighting in baked beans I think. He told me all about both of them they sounded like fun for a man.

Someone once bought me a wall calendar, twelve pics of those male strippers it was my teenage sons who banned it Grin

Sports well men and women take part in iron man, friends have trained for them. Good luck to them, I prefer to stay in bed a bit longer.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/08/2019 18:52

Exactly @croquembou, I’ve had one too many sherries and stayed out a bit longer than I expected and DP has always just been lovely, asked if I’ve had a good time and made me a tea in the morning

Pretty sure if he’d left me a list of tasks or called me “disgusting” people on here would tell me to LTB anyway...

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2019 18:54

DingleyDells
There are 2 main uses for the term cool wife:
Use 1 - Quite a goady poster where 99% of the population would agree a man is out of order and they're clearly seeking a reaction. Otherwise known as a goady fucker.

E.g. AIBU to think DH was out of order for sleeping with someone on his mate's stag do?
Goady fucker - You need to chill out. It was just sex. No wonder he felt the need to get release somewhere else. My DH probably has orgies with hookers when he goes away but I accept that because he's coming home to me.

Use 2 - Anyone who is confident and self assured in their own relationship and has a different, usually more liberal, set of boundaries, perspectives or experiences to another woman.

AIBU to think that DH should be staying home instead of going to the gym 2 or 3 times a week?
Insecure posters - YANBU he needs to step up and stop being a man child. I can't believe he would show such little respect for the mother of his child But of course the cool wives will be on to tell us it's ok.

So called cool wives: It's a reasonable amount of time to have for a hobby, the main thing is how do you make sure that you also get some time to chill and follow your hobbies

ShirleyPhallus · 07/08/2019 18:54

My OH has been to two risque events, first at a hotel in the ballroom a works do, girls and baby oil involved. Ruined the dance floor we were told.

See I think that sounds pretty gross, crosses a line for what’s expected at a work event for me for sure

jesuschristwtf · 07/08/2019 18:56

What the actual hell is a cool wife. I find people who use this really stud phrase irritating. Apparently a cool wife is someone who is ‘ok’ with a husband having female friends along other things? I thought that was just being normal.

jesuschristwtf · 07/08/2019 18:57

^^ stupid. Not Stud.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2019 18:57

I think that's pretty much spot on, Lola.

Nottheduchess · 07/08/2019 18:58

OP, the “cool wife” title is trotted out to dismiss other women’s views which may be different to yours. It pretty pathetic really.

Crinkle77 · 07/08/2019 18:58

It's a difficult one. I mean what is a 'normal' partnership? What's normal for one isn't for another. I'm pretty easy going with my partner cos we don't have kids and don't stop him doing anything. He rarely goes out and if he does he never usually gives a coming home time and I wouldn't expect him to but I know he'll be home when he's home and he doesn't the piss by staying out till all hours. However the odd time he has said he'll be an hour then 3 hours later he's not home. I go mad not cos I don't trust him but if he is going to be longer just say he doesn't know what time he'll be back or ring and let me know. That is very rare though. I did go mad once though when he used me as an excuse to his mate not to go out. He made out I wasn't happy and that's why he couldn't go. I was absolutely bloody furious and told him off for making me look bad to his mates.

Funguy · 07/08/2019 18:59

I put up with very little- having put up with so much in the past.
Best have your own boundaries and stick to them and have a partner who allows you to have them!

NoSauce · 07/08/2019 18:59

It’s just different to what you’re used to OP.
I hate the term tbh. It’s a bit pathetic and makes anyone using look quite sad.

notso · 07/08/2019 19:02

I've been called a cool wife in RL and told I was spoiling things for other wives. Reasons for being a cool wife,
I'm ok with DH going away with 'the lads',
not needing contact every 5 minutes when he's away or out,
not minding him going out and coming home drunk in the early hours of the morning,
having sex (with DH) a lot,
saying a good hangover cure is a lie in followed by cup of tea, a bacon sandwich and sex.

flashdancer19 · 07/08/2019 19:02

have never used the term cool wife until right at the end of my post when I tried to sum up what my point was a bit more concisely than in my post and think of title. I don't mean to be dismissive of anyone who feels they have a fair relationship and plays to their strengths.

Apart from in thread title that is!

PeggySuehadababy · 07/08/2019 19:06

Cool wives is usually used on MN to personally attack women who seem to have a minimum level of common sense and try to avoid drama and shit stirring. (The famous "I'm sorry OP, he has someone else", when the OP is venting about her DH being 10 minutes from work).

Nottheduchess · 07/08/2019 19:10

I don’t think it is peggysue,

placemats · 07/08/2019 19:15

In real life:

He knows where the towels are kept.
What a keeper.
He discusses a book you have read.
He feeds his children.

Reader. I divorced him.

IABUQueen · 07/08/2019 19:16

Placemat. I’m still waiting for you to explain what a mine craft thread is.. on that other thread. Lol

TheBigBallOfOil · 07/08/2019 19:24

I’ve seen it used for posters who are dismissing other posters’ concerns in a vaguely sneery manner, at pains to emphasise how much more relaxed they would be in like circumstances.
Arseholes would seem to be a better term for such people.

Longlongsummer · 07/08/2019 19:30

I do think it’s a thing. Especially hypocritical for me is when a ‘cool wife’ thinks:
Her DH watching porn is fine.
Going to a strip joint is fine.
His having female friends is so okay.

And then pretend to care about sexual exploitation and women trafficked and forced into the sex trade.
And get horrified when their sons grow up addicted to porn.
And tell anyone whose husband had an affair (from a close female friendship that took one step further) to Ltb.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 07/08/2019 19:40

This "cool wives" shit is ridiculous.

I don't care how much porn my husband watches, he's free to go on whatever trips he likes - stag do or otherwise - as long as they don't impede on our holidays together. He can do as he wishes with his own time, be it gaming, cycling or wanking. I don't own him! We're both adults, both still very much individual people as opposed to 2 halves of 1 being and we're both very happy, very secure and very laid back.

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