Cool wives

[SignedUpJust4This]

Is it me or is there some sort of competition amongst us women folk over who can be the best wife and put up with the most shit.

Whenever someone posts about their selfish and unreasonable OH someone else always responds that this is perfectly normal and all men do this so we should put up with it.

It seems to range from the marginally reasonable
'My OH works FT so he never does a night feed or changes a nappy' to 'I do EVERYTHING around the house and ALL the childcare but my OH doesn't have to lift a finger bless him because he works' right through to the mind-blowing 'I don't mind that my OH games 24-7/has nude lap dances/blows all our money on stag dos/sends sexy texts to other women/cycles 8 days a week/watches porn 2 hrs a day because he works and he needs his ME time'.

Do women like this really exist or are these men in disguise on MN sent to wind us up? Is there just a race to the bottom for what is acceptable from a decent husband?

I'm beginning to lose sight of what a normal partnership is. AIBU to be suspicious of these 'cool' wives?

YANBU. Standards are important. For self-respect and for a proper partnership.

I think there is a balance! There are others who are at the totally dictatorship end too. Give and take from both sides and equal efforts around the house etc is the ideal.

As for the porn issue, some women like porn themselves so it’s not a big deal to them for that reason.

It's not a thing outside of MN is it. Is it in the Urban Dictionary? First person there gets to define its meaning!!

I've RTFT but haven't seen the actual source of this anywhere - it's from Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl and the original phrase is "cool girl".

So for everyone arguing over the definition, here it is:

"Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross
And yet on MN It becomes shorthand for:

A woman has a different sexual preference to me and said she enjoys something I don't. She's a cool wife who just actually know her sexual tastes because no woman could possibly enjoy something I don't and the fact they might plays on my insecurities.

A woman said she has no issue with her husband having hobbies because that's fine as part of an equitable relationship. I don't have an equitable relationship and spend my day slaving over the house so the woman is a cool wife. She couldn't have a relationship where both a parties are valued and equal.

A woman has said that she doesn't believe in snooping on phones or policing social media on the grounds of trust. The woman says that they either trust their partner or they'd leave the relationship. But I want a relationship and don't trust my partner so I pretend that it's totally normal to snoop and the women who say otherwise are cool wives who must be happy to turn a blind eye to inevitable sexting. My lack of trust and insecurity means no other woman could feel secure.

A woman has no issue with her husband having female friends because they both believe friendships of both sexes are important and entirely legitimate. Obviously she is only saying that to be a cool wife because I would never consider it acceptable as the idea of DH getting a text from a woman about a shared interest presses my buttons, makes me jealous and because in insecure I think it's easier to police opposite sex friendships. The fact I feel insecure in my relationship means no other woman might be in a secure relationship (or have realised that policing friendships doesn't change the likelihood of cheating).

Aka. another woman does something different to me and because I have insecurities and/or trust issues they couldn't possibly have a different relationship to me that's valid. No, they're just being a cool wife to appease the men in their lives.

LolaSmiles - oh, I agree completely. This is why it was so annoying to realise that the OP hadn't actually cited the original source at any point in her thread.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross
I see what you mean.

I think it's a really bizarre phrase.

If someone being ridiculous and goady claiming they allow their DH to watch porn depicting teen gangbangs before their swinging parties which are required to help DH at the end of hard week where he does zero housework or childcare because he is the man and they worship him, then don't call them a cool wife: call them out for being a goady fucker

If it's a woman having a different relationship experience and is confident and self assured in her relationship then don't call her a cool wife, just consider that maybe not everyone is driven mad by insecurity and/or some people are actually in equitable relationships with grown men who don't act like man children.

Really there is no need for it.

https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13306276-gone-girl

I think you will find that the term 'cool wife' came from the book Gone Girl.

It is true that plenty of women will keep up a facade in order to appease their man.

I've known women like it. Women who will give their 'hubby' a blow job when they're having their period, even when they don't really want to. Women who fake orgasms because sex is really all about the man.

Women that are genuinely secure and happy don't feel the need to come onto forums telling the world how open, laid back, easy going and confident they are.

I don't know ANY woman like that. Most of my friends/school parents/whoever appear to be striving for 50/50 with kids and work/life balance, even if they don't always achieve it but I know hardly any SAHPs so maybe that's why. Even when one parent is a high earner the other is still working.

Cool wife - equals a woman who has internalised misogyny and often very naive.
I’ve actually seen women on here who clearly are being cheated on with other women saying ‘do t read his phone though it’s an invasion of his privacy’ yes just encourage them to give up their lives to a lie and get royally fucked over because god forbid you’d want to invade the cheating fucks privacy.

Women who don’t see the issue with thighs like porn, strip clubs etc have deeply internalised misogyny it’s very very depressing. I imagine most are younger and have grown up with it - there was a time when who wanted dirty mags had to go and be shamed buying them - sad those days have gone.

I think you will find that the term 'cool wife' came from the book Gone Girl.

If only someone had thought to point that out

RTFT

If only someone had thought to point that out

Ah ha ha.

Oh I am sorry, I didn't see that you had already mentioned the source. I didn't read every 162 posts, some very long.

Does it really matter?

Women that are genuinely secure and happy don't feel the need to come onto forums telling the world how open, laid back, easy going and confident they are
Or only an insecure woman would see another woman sharing her different perspective and think "gosh they can't possibly happy and secure because they've spoken about being happy and secure". It's kind of a perfect example of women using "cool wives" to knock any women who doesn't find the same things threatening.

Egn
Woman 1 - I hate the fact DH texts a female friend from the gym
Woman 2 - YANBU totally an affair or he wants to sleep with her. Check his phone.
Woman 3 - DH and I both have opposite sex friends because we think it's reasonable and part of a trusting relationship. If you trust DH then it shouldn't matter who he talks to at the gym.

Based on your take Woman 3 couldn't possibly have a trusting relationship because she spoke about a trusting and equitable relationship.

Women who talk about having an equitable split of household chores shouldn't say that, because it proves to those who love the cool wives dig that the realtionship isn't equitable (because in the eyes of those who love claiming "cool wives" no relationship could ever be equitable or fair, or based on trust and mutual respect... Especially if you say nice things about it because that's proof it's a lie and you're appeasing men )

If someone asks for advice and opinions then there is a reasonable expectation that there would be an accurate cross section of women with a range of views and perspectives and preferences and experiences.

Stupid comments like "cool wives" are a ridiculous way of dismissing women with different views, and (really illogically) seem to think it's impossible for men to be respectful, treat their wives like equals, do their fair share around the house etc, because all these women must be lying about not marrying man children.

I didn't read every 162 posts, some very long.

Does it really matter?

Why do people do this? Assume that what they have to say is so important and groundbreaking that no one else could have possibly said it and not even bother to flick through the posts / even look at the last ones.

I have to say I don't recall 'cool wife' being used about a woman being ok with thier husband texting a female friend. Which is odd as that's been referred to a lot on this thread.

The context I've seen it in has always been about husbands and strip clubs, private dances or going out drinking whenever he wants without ever considering the family. 'Cool wife' is a term used in threads about that are about this type of thing and the woman saying/claiming they are fine with it. (Even if it causes great inconvenience.)

It's a completely made up MN thing. But if it stems from Gone Girl it's not about friends of the opposite sex. it would where there's something about sex (and another woman), a couple with a sex life that appears to be on the man's term, or an seemingly inconsiderate man. There's definitely the air that the person 'accusing' the other woman of being a cool wife that the coolness with the situation is false.

Though those stil can be viewed differently and the association comes because the accuser can't comprehend how another woman would be ok with the situation .

Funny isn't it, that everything else described as 'cool' is perceived to be a good thing, but when applied to wives it means quite the opposite.

It's from Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl and the original phrase is "cool girl".

Mmmmm, this character was absolutely fine. A role model

no woman could possibly enjoy something I don't

That’s pretty much the whole of AIBU in a nutshell. Almost every post boils down to ‘AIBU to not understand why not everyone does things exactly the way I think they should do?’

Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl

You all do realise that that quote is from the internal monologue of a literally murderous psychopath who is unable to form relationships with people?

She is a character designed to show precisely the insecure, envious and hostile mental state of the women who look down on 'cool wives' (which means those women who step outside traditional feminine gender roles). If you embrace that perspective, you're exactly what LolaSmiles is describing.

Everybody draws a line somewhere in their relationship. My point is that it doesn't seem to matter how despicable the man in the thread is someone always jumps on straight away with 'all men do this, I'm fine with it'.

I agree that cool wife is a lazy and dismissive term for someone who has different boundaries. But I'm not talking about the threads where he has a female friend or watches porn. I'm talking about the more extreme end of what most would say is unacceptable spouse behaviour.

There seems to be more and more of these types and my theory is that these people are either trolls who enjoy winding up mums or they are lying to us or most likely to themselves.

I honestly think some women are happy to “accept” flaws in their husbands or partners because they’re happy with them overall and because their husbands appreciate them too despite their flaws..

Some women are happy to accept that their husbands are humans with bad sides and good sides...

As long as the relationship is solid. Some examples you gave in the OP are extreme for anyone to accept in a relationship but other examples are a bit judgemental... many SAHM are happy to accept that their husbands don’t contribute to household chores... it’s hard.. they wish he would but they understand that he wouldn’t if he was working long hours and so on.

I think it’s unfair to impose your own standards on other people’s husbands. Relationships are different.

My point is that it doesn't seem to matter how despicable the man in the thread is someone always jumps on straight away with 'all men do this, I'm fine with it'.

No they don't unless there is another version of MN that you read.

I agree that cool wife is a lazy and dismissive term for someone who has different boundaries. But I'm not talking about the threads where he has a female friend or watches porn. I'm talking about the more extreme end of what most would say is unacceptable spouse behaviour

As far as I'm concerned anyone who excuses the extreme end of bad behaviour isn't being a "cool wife". They are being deliberately goady or inflammatory and are best ignored.

Someone says another poster should pick up after her man child all day because they're totally cool with dressing in kink gear when they clean, cleaning toilets with toothbrushes whilst their DP verbally abuses them isn't quite simply a goady fucker.
I have to say I don't recall 'cool wife' being used about a woman being ok with thier husband texting a female friend. Which is odd as that's been referred to a lot on this thread
I've literally been on a thread in the last hour where an OP feels that she can police her partner's friendship with a former FWB and concluded the woman was a nasty woman with no morals. The vast majority of people said YABU. Then a few posters showed up saying "I'll probably get attacked by all the cool wives but he is so out of order / no wonder so many men cheat when women accept this".

That's the type I mean Lola. I often find myself wondering if they are genuine. But I suppose you could say that for most things on MN. This one irks me especially because I think it often makes vulnerable and abused women question whether they are expecting too much.

Why are there so many women bashing threads today?