Cool wives

[SignedUpJust4This]

Is it me or is there some sort of competition amongst us women folk over who can be the best wife and put up with the most shit.

Whenever someone posts about their selfish and unreasonable OH someone else always responds that this is perfectly normal and all men do this so we should put up with it.

It seems to range from the marginally reasonable
'My OH works FT so he never does a night feed or changes a nappy' to 'I do EVERYTHING around the house and ALL the childcare but my OH doesn't have to lift a finger bless him because he works' right through to the mind-blowing 'I don't mind that my OH games 24-7/has nude lap dances/blows all our money on stag dos/sends sexy texts to other women/cycles 8 days a week/watches porn 2 hrs a day because he works and he needs his ME time'.

Do women like this really exist or are these men in disguise on MN sent to wind us up? Is there just a race to the bottom for what is acceptable from a decent husband?

I'm beginning to lose sight of what a normal partnership is. AIBU to be suspicious of these 'cool' wives?

I got called a "cool wife" as i had zero issue with my husband going to stay with a friend he's known for 17 years who also just happens to be a woman. He also spent all afternoon and evening yesterday with shock horror a woman.

I'm not a cool wife, i just trust my husband not to be attempting to diddle every woman he spends alone time with.

Likewise, i have zero worry if he watches porn and likewise no issue with him going to a strip club. Its not like the hot, young stripper is going to see the drunk middle aged bloke drooling & decide hes a catch and equally my husband wont look at these skinny women & then suddenly decide he doesnt find me attractive.

That sounds fairly jormal to me mothra. Would you be OK with the examples I gave above? Men who send nudes to colleagues? Men who don't ever spend time with their children because they are cycling/gaming?

But arrowfanatic would you not lose a bit of respect for him?

It is used as an insult by all the bosom-hoikers and scandalmongers here who can’t conceive of a man having female friends without wanting to stick his cock somewhere.

I would be a hypocrite if I got annoyed that my H went to a strip club.

I’ve only ever seen ‘cool wives’ on MN although have seen ‘cool girl’ in the wild. I’ve never taken it the same way you have OP, I agree with PPs who have seen it come up when someone says ‘Dh has gone for meal with colleague just the two of them AIBU to be annoyed?’ and some posters say it’s ok and then others are all ‘oooh hark at the Cool Wives’. Also on threads about porn.

The examples you describe I don’t think I’ve seen described as ‘cool wives’.

See, that would fit in my definition of not choosing an arse for a partner, OP.

I'd class myself as a cool wife. I think it just means that you don't tend to get jealous of your darling husband's friendships with other women?

I totally don't mind if dp watches porn or goes to strip clubs. I'm pretty laid back about most things tbh. I wouldn't describe myself as a 'cool wife', just laid back. Oh and I promise you I'm not a man in disguise

I could think of a few words for a drunk middle aged man drooling over young strippers too.

I wouldn't have a problem with dh going to a strip club because I'd be scared he wouldn't find me attractive, I'd lose lol respect for man who paid into that industry.

It's definitely used a lot on MN as a put-down, by insecure women who can't understand how some other women can be so confident in themselves and their relationships.

"Well I wouldn't be happy if my DH had a close female friend. No doubt, the 'cool wives' will be along in a minute to say YABU".

There was one only the other day actually.

They're the same type of women who says things like "I get on better with men than women"

So maybe I'm not talking about the 'cool wfie' with the female friends situation. Maybe I mean the situation where the man is genuinely an arse as Mothra said and still there are posters saying they would be fine with this.

I only think the last statement was rediculous but the first two I’ve seen plenty in real life and there is nothing wrong with that

@worraliberty haha I thought you must have lifted that direct from a thread cos that is EXACTLY how I’ve seen it on MN.

I agree with @BogglesGogglesand @LolaSmiles, their excellent posts on this subject have summarised it perfectly, IMO.

I think the original post doesn’t describe the topic of “cool wives” well, as it conflates obviously awful and uncaring things some husbands do with the general nature of compromise and boundaries in a healthy relationship.

Of course it’s not okay if husbands are off on lads’ breaks leaving their wives in physical pain. I don’t think any “cool wife” would agree with that. In fact, the women making apologies on behalf of men on those threads are likely actually male themselves, or are the kind of women who are misogynistic against their own sex.

On the topic of actual “cries of cool wives”, I expect I would be decried as being such on threads of that nature. Yes, DH has had a lap dance on a stag. Equally, I’ve had male strippers give me dances on hen parties. Of course, I can understand that in other people’s relationships, they would consider that to not be okay, and breaking that boundary would be unacceptable to them. But I don’t see why their standards should be applied to my relationship, and ridiculed with the use of the (casually misogynistic) term “cool wife” when it’s not relevant to us? I agree with Boggles that it’s a reflection of the fact that I am self-sufficient in a stable relationship, and why should I be ridiculed for that?

I went to a strip club last week. Quite interesting. I've often read here the opinion that wives don't mind their husbands going into a club. Their issue is usually when the husband pays for a private dance. In the public area around the bar and stage, in the open booths and corridors the girls were sitting on the guys laps talking to them, pawing at them and stroking their faces. That was in full view, in public, in front of others and not a paid for private dance.

I wonder how many of these so called "cool" wives who have no issue with their husbands visiting strip clubs have actually been in one themselves.

I had to go to this place because I was working and had to take people there. I'm not cool enough to ever be ok with DH going in one. He knows my personal and political opinion on sex work, and if I'm honest I'd feel hurt and betrayed too.

I'm inclined to feel that sometimes some people are prepared to look past failings, and shortcomings just to get by, not rock the boat and keep the peace.

For those who say their husbands or partners behaviour or values is no reflection on them, I would argue it is. It absolutely is. And if my DH were to exploit, harm, hurt, lie, steal, or to do any other morally questionable thing I would be condoning this if I were to stay with him.

I did see an example of what you mean OP on a thread about a husband who was out of the house paying football on a Saturday morning- several (presumably) women falling backwards over themselves to say it was ok, but eventually a fair number of other posters turned up to say the DH was taking the piss.

missyB1
Again, that's you deciding some women are "cool wives" for having a different level of independence and contact expectations. Calling them "cool wives" is just dismissing and ridiculing a different way of doing things.

DH and I rarely message each other during the day. When we go out for nights out with friends we tend to only text practical arrangements like needing lifts or staying out. Over the course of a weekend away we would probably do the odd text but that's it. I wouldn't expect daily phone calls or regular updates letting me know he's alive and if he went a couple of days without it then I kinda don't mind. He's with his friends having fun and if there was an emergency I trust that him and his friends aren't total bellends.

That doesn't make me a "cool wife". That makes me a wife in a relationship where DH and I are happy with that level of communication. It wouldn't work for everyone.

Personally, some of the contact requirements I've seen on MN are needy to the point where I would leave a relationship. I wouldn't invent some silly term to talk about them. They are women who have a different threshold for meeting their emotional and contact needs.
Now those women can either find themselves a relationship with a man who also shares those expectations (family member had one of those relationships and it worked for her even if it was my idea of hell), or she accepts that pairing up with someone who is less dependent on regular contact means that there will be, shock horror, times where they aren't in contact. Just because a guy hasn't contacted as much as preferred doesn't make him a girl arsehole and if anyone is sat at home worrying about what their DH/DP is up to, lacks trust or needs regular reassurance then the problem is probably bigger than whether you've been text on a lad's weekend away.

That's why things like the "cool wives" make no sense most of the time. Most of the time it's people with. Different experience or different perspective.

Take other ones:
Man does sport a few times a week. Woman doesn't because she couldn't possibly have any time to herself at all because all her time is devoted to the house and it's so unfair that he is out doing his thing.
Goady fuckers: It's tough being a man and he should be able to do sport 8 days a week if it helps him. I don't mind raising 21 children on my own.
Unreasonable cheerleader types: tuning about how awful it is that he has a hobby, I bet it's golf or cycling, stupid mamils, you're working so hard OP and he's such a selfish dickhead
Reasonable posters: have a chat with him, a couple of times a week really isn't that unreasonable, however you should also have time set aside for you to relax, take up a hobby of your own to make it fair, make sure you claim some time at a weekend as well so you can recharge.

Cheerleader types: ignore the cool wives OP, as if having an evening off will improve anything. Next they'll be telling you a spa afternoon will solve your situation. You have a DH problem. It's not fair for him to he doing all this stuff whilst you sit home. He needs to drop it.

Reasonable posters (so called cool wives): Or maybe they could BOTH have some time to do their own thing. Why should he have to lose his hobby because the OP doesn't have one?

There are a lot of women who use “well I’m just more secure in my relationship than those other needy clingy women, so that wouldn’t bother ME!” as a way to excuse shitty behaviour. Much easier to tell yourself that putting up with shitty behaviour is a virtue.

Actually I've never seen cool wife used in that context.

To me it means insecure women who will put up with endless amounts of shit, just to keep their dh happy.

For example if a women came on saying 'Aibu to be upset that my husband went out on the piss all night the day after I gave birth, to wet the babies head, leaving me home alone with no shopping in and struggling with stitches'.

Then you get loads of women coming on saying yabu, he needs some me time, he's had a traumatic time watching his wife in pain. Or 'my husband went to work an hour after I gave birth so count yourself lucky he was around the day you did'. Or 'I walked 10 miles 3 hours after my c section, couldn't you have just gone to the corner shop for bread and milk and watched tv holding the baby'. Or 'if you keep being this insecure your marriage will fail'.

All falling over themselves to defend a man who is quite clearly being a bit of a dick.

I hate the term "Cool Wife" but it's not something I would associate with an independent woman who is happy in their relationship.

To me, it means a woman who puts her own needs and boundaries aside so that she can appear to be her partner's perfect woman.

Someone who rolls their eyes and belittles other women by calling them insecure and jealous for having perfectly understandable expectations from their own partners.

This is usually followed by bragging about how much their husband's friends lie to their own wives and would secretly LOVE one just like her.

What LolaSmiles said.
I may just copy and paste that sentence.

None of my friends leave an event to make hubbys toast. However, my neighbours OH does sulk when she goes out to events, which amuses me no end, it in no way stops her. They are both retired and he is unable to do anything for himself it would seem. Another retired couple, she deffo. does not pander to her OH, never cooks it is easy ready meals or something she can bung in the oven to look after itself. After raising four children and two husbands she is done with cooking

Well I don't know where I've been all this time, because until I opened this thread to find out what it was about, I've never even come across the term 'cool wife' before.

And having read the thread, I'm still not all that much the wiser and looking at my own relationship, I seem to be very cool in some ways and extremely uncool in others.